I Am Human

Kalin slowly stirred, blinking sleepily at the scene before him. He and Radley had fallen asleep on the couch again after lunch. And as he was waking up, he found that Radley was nestled peacefully in his arms as before. This time, instead of feeling awkward or embarrassed, Kalin smiled. This was what they both wanted. Radley understood the truth about Kalin's past and Kalin accepted the truth of Radley's friendship and now they were going forward in the future together.

Kalin relaxed deeper into the couch. It felt so good, hugging Radley and feeling him breathing. Kalin could never take that for granted. It still seemed like a miraculous dream, even though it wasn't.

Radley stirred too. "Oh, how cozy," he smiled.

"It is, isn't it," Kalin mused.

"It seems a shame to have to give it up." Radley sleepily snuggled against Kalin's shoulder.

"People are going to talk, you know," Kalin deadpanned.

Radley giggled. "Do we care?"

"No," Kalin said.

"It would probably be hard to explain anyway, wouldn't it?" Radley mused. "That we can carry on like this without any romantic feelings behind it?"

"Probably," Kalin agreed.

"Well, as long as they're going to talk anyway . . . why not leave the boarding house behind and move in with me?" Radley said. "I don't like living alone."

"Why do you, anyway?" Kalin wondered.

Radley shrugged. "The Bunch all paired off and there was no one left who needed a place."

Knowing how Radley longed for company, and how Kalin hated being alone himself, that seemed very sad.

That was when the rest of Radley's invitation finally sunk in. "Wait, you want me to live with you?!" Kalin exclaimed.

"Well, why not?" Radley straightened and looked up at him. "I've wanted it for some time, but I could never get anywhere with you. Now we're finally on the same page, I think. You'll come, won't you?"

Kalin slumped back into the couch. After everything, Radley's forgiveness still seemed so incomprehensible. Kalin had hurt him so deeply and yet he was still welcoming, still kind, even still making playful comments.

". . . You'll need help healing," he realized.

"That's true," Radley agreed. "Most of the worst damage was healed, but I'm still pretty wobbly. I don't think I should be left alone."

It was a very cheeky comment, and rather unlike how Radley tried to keep people from worrying about him. Somehow Kalin had the feeling that Radley really wouldn't try to use it as an excuse to get Kalin to come. He must have felt deep down that he really did need help.

"No, I don't think so either," Kalin said. He hugged Radley close. "I can't let you be hurt again, especially because of my neglect."

Radley smiled. "I was right all along," he said softly. "You're really a warm person."

"You never stopped believing in me," Kalin whispered. "Just like Yusei. . . ."

Suddenly Radley looked sad. "I can't be compared to Yusei," he said. "Not after the threat I made. . . ."

"You didn't mean it," Kalin assured him. "I knew all along it was a lie. I drove you to feel like you had to make it. I'm so sorry."

"I still shouldn't have done it," Radley lamented. "I was desperate and I was afraid I was going to lose you when I still needed you for the town's sake. I wouldn't have done it otherwise, even though I didn't know how I'd stand it if you left." He shook his head. "But it's no excuse."

"After everything I did in the past, and all I did to you, it seems like such a minor thing in comparison," Kalin rasped.

"I've never done anything like it," Radley sorrowed. "It's not like me at all."

Kalin hugged him close. "I forgive you, if that helps at all," he said.

Radley smiled a bit wanly. "The question is more, can I forgive myself?"

"I don't know if I will ever forgive myself," Kalin admitted. "But for the first time, I feel like I can live with my sins."

"After the way you've been, that's a huge step," Radley said.

"I know," Kalin said. "It wouldn't have been possible without Yusei and you."

Radley smiled. "I'm happy I helped, but what did I do? I only seemed to make things worse."

"You didn't!" Kalin insisted. "I remembered all the happy times you brought to me. And you lived. I couldn't have withstood the anguish if you hadn't."

"I really mean so much to you," Radley said softly.

"You do," Kalin said.

". . . I heard you say you love me like you love Yusei," Radley said. "What does that mean, exactly?"

"It means you couldn't be more dear to me," Kalin said. "You mean everything to me! I told you in the past that I have no romantic feelings for you, and that's true. I have no romantic feelings for anyone. But I love every bit as deeply as that when I truly care about someone."

Radley smiled, happy. He could see that Kalin was absolutely sincere and wasn't just saying this because it was what Radley longed to hear. "All true love is powerful," he asserted. "You really are what I hoped you'd be all along."

"I hope I will be," Kalin said. "I'm not used to being so open and affectionate. But you encouraged it and it feels so right." Moved tears pricked his eyes. "You're alive and moving. I want to celebrate that and to say and do everything I kept wanting to but denied myself thinking it was what was best for you."

"And I will encourage you in all of it," Radley said. "You deserve to be happy too, Kalin."

"I still don't know that I do, but at least I feel like I can embrace it now," Kalin said. "I only wanted to punish myself, but I punished you too. That is unacceptable."

"It's funny how people's lives are so interconnected that way," Radley said softly. "They say no man is an island. It's true."

"I thought I was an island," Kalin admitted. "You're right, I'm really not. I affected so many other lives."

"You certainly affected mine," Radley said. "I didn't realize life was still really worth living until I saw your grief."

"If you'd seen the Bunch grieving, that would have had the same effect," Kalin couldn't help saying.

"I wanted desperately to come back when I saw them," Radley agreed. "But I was still so crushed by the way you had acted. I wondered if I had the strength to come back and face you when I thought you didn't care."

Kalin stared at him in horror. "You wouldn't have really wanted to stay dead because of me?!" he exclaimed.

"I didn't want to be dead," Radley said. "I was terrified. But no matter how I tried to get back in my body, I just couldn't. I don't know if I was too hysterical or too devastated. I couldn't focus. But when I saw your grief and realized you really do care, I prayed for you . . . and me . . . and finally I was allowed back."

"Why wouldn't God have let you back before?" Kalin said in disbelief.

"I don't know," Radley sighed. "Maybe I had to really understand how my death was affecting everyone first? I know I was being tortured to death, but I was so lost in despair that after a while I just gave in and didn't try to keep fighting anymore. I thought no one cared about me and everyone would be happier without me."

Kalin hugged him close, shaking. "That was how I felt about me," he rasped. "You were such a happy person and I'd dragged you down to my level. I didn't feel worthy to live!"

"It wasn't just you, Kalin," Radley said quietly. "I've been gradually wearing down for years. Malcolm, this place . . . trying to be everyone's hero and not being able to stop things from getting worse and worse . . . all of that weight just pulled me down."

"But it was because of me you finally just broke," Kalin said morosely.

"And it was also because of you that I got that extra spark back that I needed to really fight to come back," Radley said. "That's what I'd rather think about."

Kalin looked skeptical. It was so hard to believe that he alone could have made such a difference when Radley loved others dearly too. How could he really matter so much after so much hurt?

"I know you still find that idea out there," Radley said. "But it's true. I was so devastated and broken by your rejection that I just couldn't seem to get it together until you showed me that you care."

"But . . . what if I hadn't?" Kalin rasped. "Wouldn't God have still let you come back?"

"If He had, I wouldn't have been the same," Radley said. "I would have come back still broken."

That was too heartwrenching to think about. Kalin just hugged him again, his hands trembling. "The Bunch would have helped you heal over time," he insisted. It was too awful to think otherwise.

"Yes, I think they would have," Radley agreed. "But even when deep wounds heal, they leave scars. My heart would have still been scarred. I never would have recovered completely."

". . . And you think now you can?" Kalin asked.

"Yeah." Radley smiled. "I know I can." He studied Kalin. "What about you?"

Kalin looked away. "I still committed terrible sins. How do I recover from that?"

". . . I don't know," Radley admitted. "I'm still haunted by mine. I just know I'll be here for you every step of the way. Is that . . . am I . . . good enough?"

"You have been a bright light on my dark heart these last weeks," Kalin said softly. "Yes! Yes, you're good enough! And now I am finally ready and able to embrace everything you wanted to give to me all this time. I want it with all my heart."

Radley turned, hugging him close. "Good," he said. "I'm glad."

"But can we all be the happy family you want?" Kalin wondered. "The Bunch too, even after what they did?"

"I sure hope so," Radley said. "I forgive them. I know they were just scared. It's not like they turned against me with malice."

"I guess not," Kalin relented. "But they still all left you. They weren't suffering from depression like I am. Not that I think that's an excuse for me."

"They still love me," Radley said. "You do too. I think that's enough to get us through this."

"I'm glad you didn't lose your hope," Kalin said quietly.

"I did for a while," Radley said. "You guys gave it back to me."

Kalin hesitated. "You're so willing to forgive and just push this all aside. Are you really not still hurt at all? We all came back to you, but how does that make it right that we abandoned you?!"

Radley fell silent. "It doesn't make it right, and yes, I am still hurt, especially about the Bunch," he admitted. "I thought they would stand by me through everything. I know Lawton was intimidating and beating me made them lose all hope, but . . . it still hurts that they gave up on me. Some of them saw me in the mines and didn't help me because they were too afraid of what would happen to them. I still love them and I wanna welcome them back in when they feel so bad about it. I know they didn't really think I'd die, just like you didn't. But . . . it doesn't change that it hurts."

"Forgiving doesn't take away the pain?" Kalin wondered.

". . . I don't know," Radley mused. "Sometimes it does, I think. Knowing the truth about you eased that pain tremendously. I'm hoping I'll stop feeling so bad about the Bunch as we move on and they show they still love me. I really think they've learned their lesson and they won't leave me behind again if things get tough." Concern flickered in his eyes. "Do you think I've really forgiven them? Maybe if I'm still feeling bad, it means I haven't."

"I'm not the right person to ask," Kalin said. "Some people say forgiveness and trust are two different things. Some say they're the same thing."

Radley sighed and leaned back. "I hope they're two different things. That's what sounds more logical to me. I mean, let's say somebody has a reputation for getting drunk and being irresponsible. You can forgive them for something they might have done while on a bender, but are you really gonna want to leave a bottle of whiskey lying around where they can get it?"

". . . No," Kalin grunted.

"And I've heard that people can forgive, but still be angry about the hurt they went through," Radley said. "Maybe they can still be sad too. I don't know.

"So maybe I'll be a little cautious for a while, knowing they might run if something else bad happens. I really think they won't, though. They were devastated to find out I'd really died. They're good guys, all of them. This whole mess was just something they were completely unprepared for. They didn't know how to react. And that's kind of my fault. I brought them here."

"You didn't know what you were getting into," Kalin said. "When you did, it was too late to get out of it."

"Yeah." Radley sighed. "So in the end, I really can't blame them too much."

"Leaving you after all you did for them was unforgivable," Kalin said. "But when I did it too, I can't fairly judge them." He looked down. "I still can't forgive myself, but . . . for your sake, I will try to forgive them."

Radley smiled a bit. "Thank you, Kalin."

The sounds of the townspeople below brought their attention to the window. "They're asking about you," Kalin realized after a moment.

"Yeah?" Radley smiled more. "We should probably go down and let them see I'm okay."

"Do you feel up to moving that much?" Kalin eyed him in concern.

"Hmm. You know, I could open the window and call down to them with a wave," Radley mused. He got up and moved slowly towards the window.

Kalin watched. As was usual for Radley, he put on a bright smile and pretended he was completely fine as he opened the window. "Hey!" he greeted, waving to the people as promised.

There was an immediate clamor. "Radley!" called one girl.

"How are you?" a guy asked.

"Will you be down for dinner?" a woman added.

"I'm just great," Radley assured them. "Of course I'll be down for dinner! We can all visit then."

The people were satisfied with that and Radley closed the window again before going back over to the couch and sinking into it with a sigh of pleasure.

". . . Yusei said they were all mourning you," Kalin said.

"They really still care about me," Radley said softly in awe. "I let them down, but they didn't turn against me."

"You didn't let them down!" Kalin insisted. "They know you fought for them tirelessly for four years. I'm sure they didn't believe your threat either."

". . . I'm glad," Radley mused after a moment of reflection. "I was willing to blacken my name if it would help them, but . . . I really didn't want everyone to think the Bunch and I were bad."

"They know you too well and love you too much to think that," Kalin said. ". . . Which was the same with me."

"I'm glad you didn't believe it either," Radley said more quietly. "I was trying to get you to, but I didn't really want things to be that way."

"You have never been the punk you look like you are," Kalin said. "Pretending to be one just didn't work. It was immediately obvious something was off."

"If that had happened when we first met, would you have believed it then?" Radley wondered.

"Probably," Kalin said. "That goes to show just how much I came to know you in all this time."

"I wonder what new discoveries we'll make about each other?" Radley pondered.

". . . Maybe you'll discover you don't want me around after all," Kalin said.

Radley frowned. "I didn't turn against you after finding out you were a Dark Signer. Do you really think anything else in your life would do it?"

". . . No," Kalin said. "I hope not."

"You're kinda stuck with me," Radley said. "As long as you really want me."

"I do!" Kalin promised. "I do. . . ."

Radley smiled, drawing Kalin close in a hug. "Good."

Kalin returned it wholeheartedly. This was so right. He was happy. He was home.