Snippet 260

Guest Writer Theater 3

Genre: Humor

Pairs: None

AU-Type: RWBY

Note: Courtesy of the Hapless-Ace.

Greetings, and salutations, it's your old friend Green. I bring you that oh so sad story of someone dying, and the vultures who knew them coming for their will. Such a sad time to see…let's take a look.

Gathered in the high room of what was once Salem's castle were Ruby, Yang, Jaune, Blake, Cinder, Emerald, and Oscar; for what was to be the reading of Salem's last will and testament. At the head of the large table in the center was one Mercury Black dressed in a three-piece suit with his hair slicked back. Neo was also there with a large box next to her that no one could really look into.

Really it was a shock for all of them to learn that A) Salem had a will, and B) that they were all in it. Though they'd all been summoned to the former castle, and Mercury was the one to officiate it. Really it was a curiosity to see who would get what.

"As the only one of Salem's lieutenants who had nothing to gain, or lose, upon her death she chose me to read her will." Mercury explained to everyone gathered.

"This is a waste of time." Yang complained, not seeing why she had to be here.

"Waaaahhh!" Cinder sobbed crocodile tears, trying to appear like a grieving mourner that was sad over the lost of Salem.

"Come on Cinder, they're reading the will." Oscar said to the older woman who instantly stopped her sobs to find out what she'd been left by Salem.

"This is gonna be boring." Ruby muttered, not in the mood for any of this.

"Why did we even come here?" Blake asked looking at her friends, and Cinder.

"I, Salem Celestia Luna Brighten Aurora the third, being of sound body and mind." Mercury began only to be interrupted by an outburst from Yang.

"Heh that's a laugh." The brawler refused to believe the Grimm woman was of sound mind.

Continuing on, and ignoring Yang's outburst, Mercury began reading again.

"Do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional protégé, Cinder."

Cinder looked hopeful for whatever former mistress had left her in the will. Oh, how she hoped it would be that giant throne made of extinct animal bones.

The next words that left Mercury's mouth soon dashed those hopes, as Mercury said the words. "Who grubbed with her hands open, grubbed for everything she could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy."

A record scratch went off in Cinder's head, snapping her out of her fantasies of sitting on a badass throne. "What?!" She raged at being called out.

"I leave a boot to the head." Mercury finished.

Without question Neo pulled a boot from the box and chucked it as hard as she could square into Cinder's forehead.

"Ow!"

"What the?!" Oscar was just surprised to have seen a boot fly at Cinder.

Mercury then pointed at Oscar. "And one for Ozma's wimpy host!" With that Neo chucked a boot as hard as she could into Oscar's cheek.

Yang just burst out laughing at Cinder's pain. And at Oscar too as she could appreciate some slapstick, it was classic comedy after all.

Cinder flared up as she glared at Mercury. "This is an outrage!"

Mercury for his part just resisted the urge to smirk as he continued on "...ah, but still, you are my apprentice, you have admired my Bone Throne, and since I no longer need it..."

Immediately she'd perked up again. "Oh, dear Salem, she's too kind!" Cinder was started to sing Salem's praises again.

This time Mercury didn't fight back the smirk that graced his face "...I bequeath another boot to the head."

Cinder was shocked again "What?" Neo didn't give her time to process as another boot hit Cinder's forehead…in the exact same spot.

A pregnant silence filled the room, a silence that was interrupted by Cinder's pained moans, and Yang's roaring laughter. Now she didn't hate it that she had come to this thing.

"And one more for the wimp." Mercury suddenly called out as another boot hit Oscar this time in the cheek. "Next, to Summer Rose's degenerate stepdaughter, Yang..."

Hearing that had snapped Yang out of her laughter "Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!" She glared at Neo.

Neo grinned maliciously, already holding a steel toed boot, ready to chuck it at Yang's nose. "...to dear Yang, who has never worked a day in her mediocre life..."

Yang didn't try to dispute that like she normally would have, right now she just wanted to protect herself as she was underneath the table "I'm coverin' up my head!"

"...I leave my magic flying carriage that can't be detected."

When the words left Mercury's mouth, she was left pouting and deflated.

Yang looked out from under the table. "Really?"

Mercury then looked to Neo "And a boot to the head." The second Mercury said head was the second Neo sent the boot flying into Yang.

A yelp of pain escaped Yang, and she glared at Neo out of pure spite.

Mercury just went back to the Will, and yawned. "And another for Cinder and the wimp."

Cinder and Oscar's yelps filled the room, Oscar groaned as he held his head.

Jaune was chuckling a little seeing all the boots hit people.

"Next, to the know-it-all people seem to think is one of my descendants which make no sense cause my daughters died, Jaune..."

Those words from Mercury killed whatever mirth Jaune felt.

"Oh no…" he groaned already feeling it coming…

Mercury snapped and pointed at Jaune to signal Neo. "...I leave a boot to the head."

A groan escaped Jaune as Neo's aim hit him hard enough that he fell from his seat. "Uh! I knew it."

Mercury gave a yawn before he responded with a bored tone. "And one for Cinder and the wimp."

Neo threw a couple more though Cinder was holding her face as a golf cleat had hit her. "That was a cleat, you diminutive ice cream tramp!"

"Oh, in the case of Cinder getting hit with a golf cleat then she gets two boots to the head." The second Mercury said that a set of high heel goth boots hit Cinder, the heel getting in her eye.

"This takes care of tall people's obligations. And now, to Ms. Ruby Rose..."

Ruby panicked as she didn't want to be booted. "Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'!"

Mercury just continued reading "...who defeated me fairly, and was a good sport about everything we'd gone through…." This part has earned an eye roll from not just Mercury, but everyone at the table.

Ruby was a bit pleased at all this. "Oh, I didn't mind."

She'd uncovered her head.

"To Mrs. Ruby Rose, I bequeath a boot to the head."

Neo took great pleasure in throwing a boot she'd specially painted to look like Roman at Neo.

"Ahh!" Ruby rubbed the spot on her head that was hit.

"And one for Cinder and the wimp." Mercury snapped and Neo obeyed, throwing clown boots at the both of them this time.

The boots connected with Cinder and Oscar, who were both on the floor. They could both only groan at Neo somehow still able to hit them so well.

After having a nice laugh at Cinder, and Oscar's expense did Mercury get back to reading "And so, to that cat Blake Belladonna, I leave my entire vast...boot to the head!"

Blake looked unamused as she deadpanned out a single "Of course." After that she was booted and glaring at Neo. "I'm gonna kill you ice cream bitch."

Mercury chuckled as he wiped a tear from his eye before looking back at the will "And finally, to Mr. Mercury Orion Black, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head...but a rabid Vacuoan devil, to be placed in his trousers?!"

This had to be a mistake, no way was this happened. Mercury had been so distracted by re-reading the will he did see Neo, who was already shoving the animal down his pants causing him to scream, but he continued on reading.

Mercury let out several pained yelps and squeals before Neo forced him to continue reading the will" Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and...and I leave my entire estate of 666 krillion Lien to Emerald Sustrai so she can afford to move somewhere decent!" Mercury finished as Neo fished her pet Vacuoan devil out of Mercury's pants

Neo rolled out a giant treasure chest, and the deed to the Evernight Castle. Emerald's eyes lit up, and everyone else just looked pissed.

"Is that it?" Oscar groaned as he rubbed his poor aching head.

Jaune glared at Mercury, Neo, and that goddamn will. "That's it?"

Yang just scoffed. "That's disgraceful."

"Sweet!" Emerald was happy to have it all, and it was all hers, as she stood up to hug her newfound riches.

Mercury shook his head before speaking again: "There's one last thing for everyone."

"Cover your heads, everybody!" Ruby screeched as she hid under the table.

"I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream." Mercury told them simply.

Cinder had finally regained consciousness as ice cream was mentioned. "Ice cream?"

"Ice cream?" Blake questioned. "After all this it better be some damn good ice cream."

Jaune was too skeptical of all this, this much suffering for ice cream. "Ice cream, that's all?"

"That's all." Mercury confirmed with a nod of his head.

Ruby looked up from under the table "Well, what flavor is it?"

"Boot to the head!" Mercury hollered as Neo pelted everyone except Emerald, and Mercury with boots. A chorus of pained cries would soon follow as Salem's will had been followed to the letter.

(A/N: Personally, I thought Emerald got off easy. In other news, past chapters have been updated to fix their errors and such. Those include the following chapters: 100, 109, 125, 139, 242, 244, 247, and 249.)