12. Circle

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be.

(Zachary Levi, Mandy Moore - I See The Light)

...

So… now, what?

And what is this feeling?

Oh, yes.

I remember it.

I've felt it, from time to time. Mostly when I was by the piano… but also, a few other times.

Yes.

This is it.

This is what I've been looking for.

My lungs fill with the warm air, as my fingers press on the ivory keys by their own will, effortlessly, without me even having to think it, and suddenly there's music all around, and it fits everything else so perfectly, it feels as if it was already here all along, as if it was a part of the scenery. But it isn't; I'm the one creating it, every sound and every note exists only because of me, as long as I keep breathing and my fingers keep moving on the piano.

Fortunately, it's easy now.

Nothing feels old now.

Not the piano, not the keys… not even me.

Now, everything feels young and fresh. Breathing isn't a struggle anymore. This melody that I'm creating pours out of me as if it was an extension of me, as if it was me but in a different form, in the form of sound... and it's calm, and placid, and nice.

This is how I always wanted to feel. How I'd want to feel for as long as I am still allowed to exist... which I know, can't be long now.

The thought isn't distressing or upsetting anymore. I'm at peace.

Also… I'm not alone. There's someone nearby, getting closer... perhaps attracted by the music I'm playing?

I can almost feel the steps, one after the other, naked feet on naked floor; I can almost see the shape, the hand touching the pictures as she walks, as she gets closer; the many pictures I have hanging on both sides of my corridor.

It's okay. I'm no longer worried about this meeting or the pictures, and my music sounds exactly how I want it to sound. Everything feels easy now: I take the right pauses, I press the right keys, it's not any harder than breathing, not any harder than just being alive. I don't have to push through it, there's no struggle anymore. It just... happens.

And I can feel her, opening the heavy wooden doors and standing for a moment in the doorway, watching me play. I feel we already lived a moment like this before, like a thousand years ago, in a different life, with a different song, in a time when a terrible storm was roaring up above our heads.

But now the storm has passed and disappeared, and there's only a warm breeze and gentle sunlight coming from the open windows. And she's not cold, nor anxious, nor dripping water all over the carpets; and I don't need to see her to know she's wearing a resplendent white dress and smiling. I'm wearing white clothes too. Everything around me, the piano, the walls, the curtains, the floor… everything seems to be white now.

"Finally… you're here," I mutter, not stopping playing as I feel her walk in. "What took you so long?"

"I'm sorry," she says, softly, as she comes closer. "It was really a maze, getting here… I got lost many times."

"It's okay," I say, smiling too. "You made it."

"This song..." she says. "You've figured out what was wrong with it."

"Yes," I say. "I was me. I was what was wrong with it. It turned out, I didn't need to try so hard... just come back to it with new eyes."

"I'm glad you've realized that," she says.

And then she remains quiet for a while, leaning against the piano with her eyes closed, just listening to the music. Even if I'm not looking at her, I feel her, and I see out of the corner of my eye a few locks of wavy, shiny, raven-black hair against the white, lacquered surface of the piano.

And it's so hypnotic and calm, it's so beautiful to play like this that I could keep doing it in a loop just forever; and even more now that she's here, listening to my song.

"I was right... wasn't I?" I say, as I continue playing. "I told you that you would do it. And that you were the goddess. Remember? You wouldn't believe me, but I was right all along."

She lets out a soft, amused chuckle.

"Are you going to make this a competition too?"

"Like in those games of chess we used to play? No. I never win, anyway," I say, and I hear another chuckle coming from her. "This… is much better."

"Yes... it is," she says, her eyes still closed, and for a while, no other word is spoken. There's just the two of us, the piano, the notes I play, and the silence between them.

It surprises me now how very few times in my life I've actually noticed the silence. There was always so much noise, both inside me and outside, everywhere… but the silence was there too, underneath the noise; I just couldn't be quiet long enough to hear it. And it's here now, surrounding me, surrounding everything; it's what all the sounds are created from, and also what they all fade into. It's always here, I can always return to it, and being aware of this gives me a strange sense of peace too.

And I try to stay in that peace and this moment for as long as I can, or for as long as this song will allow me to, because it's just so enjoyable… but eventually, I hear her voice again.

"Hey… Let me know when you're ready."

I let out a sigh.

"I have been… for a while now. But I'm also certain that, if I could, I'd just stay here, playing this song forever."

This time, the sigh comes from her.

"I know, but all things must end… even this. Even if it feels so peaceful and joyful now… how long could you keep doing this until it becomes repetitive, then boring… then unbearable? Time needs to flow… things need to change. You understand that now... don't you?"

"Yes. You made sure I understood. Don't worry… I won't give you any more trouble. I've already tried eternity, and it didn't really suit me anyway. Just… let me finish this song… and then we'll go."

"I'm sorry," she says, and even though I'm not looking at her face nor can see her eyes, her voice sounds a bit sad.

"Why?" I say. "You've given me exactly what I've asked of you, and you're even giving me a chance to play this song correctly, once, before I go. I'm the one who should be sorry for bringing so much trouble into your life, and also… for not letting you die when I should have."

"Clow, I…" she says, her voice sounding a little choked. "Wow. It's weird to call you that. Eriol, I… well, that feels weird too." She chuckles. "I don't even know what to call you anymore."

"There's always idiot. That's the one thing that never changes, right?"

She chuckles again.

"Look," she says, "I've already told you many times… I'm thankful that I met you. Yes, you brought chaos to my life, but chaos also means movement, it means excitement, it means... life. Life doesn't happen in stillness. Because I met you, I discovered what it's like to be in a real world, in a real place, where things happen."

"And it sucked… didn't it?"

"Yes… sometimes it did. But sometimes… it didn't."

"A life that sometimes doesn't suck… is that what you're thanking me for? Is that good enough for you?"

"It is," she says. "That's what I've been trying to tell you all along. What I still hope you'll be able to see."

"And I appreciate your efforts, honestly, but... it's a bit late for that now, isn't it? This is it… end of the road. We've closed the circle; there's nothing else to look forward to."

"Idiot… didn't you realize it yet? " she says, a strange, ominous tone in her voice. "A circle has no end."

Just as she says it, I play the final note of my song, and as silence envelops us again, I look up at her, a bit confused. She's staring at me a bit sadly and a bit apologetically; her face and her eyes are as amazing and luminous as I remember them, but for the life of me, I can't tell which color they are.

"It's time," she says, and I feel her hand being softly placed on my shoulder. "I just hope you can forgive me."

Suddenly, I get the feeling that there's something more to her words than just "forgive me for putting a dagger through your heart," but I don't have enough time to wonder, because soon, her face, her hair, her eyes, they all vanish, dissolve into whiteness.

Everything around me turns white, and then…

Nothing.

…

Nothing.

…

Until, eventually… there's something.

Warmth.

...

I remember the feeling... as if I had experienced it before. It feels like the sun's warmth on my face, and it's so nice, that for a hiatus of time I can't possibly define, that's all there is: just being here, feeling this warmth. Enjoying this sensation.

Just… being.

Slowly, I start coming out of it like from a thick, heavy mist, and I realize there's more than just warmth. I have a body, and it's lying on something soft, although I still don't know if I can move it or even open my eyes. That warmth envelops me like a protective shield, and I feel safe. There's a strange kind of peace, something I've almost never experienced in all the time I've been alive, and for a few minutes, I don't seem to grasp what's the reason for it. It's as if the world has suddenly turned quiet. But no, that's not true; I can hear sounds, although I can't, for the life of me, distinguish one from another nor tell what each one of them are. No, it's something else, something different, deeper. As if there has always been some sort of background noise, of static surrounding everything, something really low, almost imperceptible, which didn't allow me to hear the sounds as they really were; and now that static has suddenly, miraculously been turned off, and I could really hear them for the first time, crystal clear.

With difficulty, I try to open my eyes; it's like my eyelids weigh a ton, and when I manage to do so the light around me is so blinding, that for a moment it's really hard to see anything.

I vaguely realize I'm in some kind of room, lying on a soft surface, staring at a strange, white ceiling over my head, and even though I'm feeling very weak and disoriented and it hurts to even try to keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds, everything around me is unknown and white: the walls, the sheets, the curtains… but the fog in my mind is so thick, those very concepts are becoming hard to grasp; they're starting to fade away, everything around me seems to be losing its meaning until it's all just a white blur…

Where am I?

What am I?

Even though my eyes are nearly blinded by the bright light, I see movement, feel movement around me. I know I'm not alone. There's someone here, close to me; someone who speaks to me in a soft, soothing voice, and even though I don't understand a word they say, it's comforting to hear them, and I know I don't have to worry about anything anymore. I know I'm safe, and I'm home.

Finally.

…

Author's Notes

Well... I don't know if there's anyone still there reading because I took so long to update.

I'm really sorry I kept you all (whoever is still there, if any) waiting for so long. I know, two years have passed since my last update, making this my most overdue chapter, and perhaps one of my shortest ones, which I hope isn't quite so disappointing. This isn't the final chapter. I mean... it can be, if you want it to be. But there's still an epilogue, which I've pretty much already written, and which is much longer than this. But I needed to upload this now to let you know that I'm still here, working on this fic.

Last year I was diagnosed with ADHD, and suddenly many things in my life made so much sense... like for instance, how long it takes me to complete a project (like this one!), how I struggle to organize my life to do the bare basics, let alone find the extra time I need to write... How easily I get frustrated when things don't work out the way I want; how I get paralyzed with doubt and self-loathing, and how I sometimes need to take long breaks from anything that I put too much time and effort in, no matter how much I might love it, because my brain is fried. And writing kinda does that to me. I love it, but to me writing is 10% creating, 90% editing the stuff I created so it doesn't suck, and editing is hard work. Which I enjoy too, but I can't do it for too long or I end up hating it, and myself, and whatever I wrote in the process... so I step away from it when I need to. I'm taking meds now (yey methylphenidate!), and I'm doing much better. Finally, I could find the focus and willpower I needed to finish editing the last part of this story. There are probably still a few errors here and there though, because, well... ADHD is a bitch.

If you're still there, give me a holler so I know I'm writing for someone other than me! Love you all, and see you all one last time (if you want to) in the epilogue!