"Quinn, are you okay?"
Rachel looked at Quinn with concern. She still hadn't opened her eyes.
Upon hearing Rachel's voice, they snapped open, only this time fear was not mixed in with the hypnotizing hazel swirls.
Carefully Rachel raised her hand to brush a stray strand of blonde hair away from Quinn's face.
"Don't touch me," she whispered as her body flinched away from Rachel's touch.
"Quinn, please…"
The blonde stood up and backed away slowly, tears running down her face. Her hands were shaking violently.
"I-I can't. I just-I can't do this," she whispered and bowed her head to the floor in shame.
The rejection stung Rachel, the pain of Quinn not wanting her hitting her like a brick wall. The brunette tried to reach out once more to hold the girl she firmly believed she was falling for.
"Don't touch me!" Quinn shrieked, her fear rapidly turning into anger.
Rachel stood in the same spot in shock as the sound of Quinn's cry echoed throughout the venue.
"What have you done to me?"
"Quinn, I'm sorry, I-"
"You think you can turn me gay, you freak? You're going to hell!"
Rachel winced. Tears spilled out of her brown eyes that were now filled with hurt and confusion.
"What- what are you talking about? Being gay isn't a sin."
Quinn laughed emptily.
"Do you even read the Bible? It's right in there. It's wrong. You're wrong. This," she cried, gesturing to the two of them," is wrong. You're a freak. Just, stay away from me, Man Hands. Stay the fuck away from me and go try to turn some other cheerleader gay!"
"You have no right to be mad at me, Quinn! You are such a hypocrite! I never said you were gay, for the record, so even if you were I-,"
"I am not gay!" Quinn screamed, her face flushed with anger and soaked with tears.
"Then why did you kiss me?"
Quinn was silent, save for her heavy breathing.
She had no answer.
Rachel looked into Quinn's eyes, pleading her to stay.
"Fuck you, Man Hands,"
With that the blonde stormed out, her face wet with tears.
Everything hurt. Her head hurt from all of the confusion and the thinking and the hurt and how everything was suddenly real.
She just wanted it to all go away. She wanted to erase all the feelings, the guilt, the lust, the anger, and the confusion from her mind. She wanted to be a Cheerio again dating the quarterback, making fun of Rachel like things were before; but it would never be like before.
It could never be like it was before.
-/-
Rachel collapsed onto the floor, burying her head in her hands.
Was she a freak?
Everything Quinn said to her felt like daggers to her heart, yet she still ached for Quinn, the touch of her lips, and the softness of her hair.
Her petite frame shuddered as a sob released from her lips. Contrary to popular belief, Rachel wasn't one hundred percent okay with her sexuality. It scared her. Being gay would mean more bullying, less friends, more slushies, and more loneliness.
She leaned her head into the piano, stared at the ceiling and cried. The tears fell easily. Rachel made no effort to wipe them away.
She needed this. She needed to let out all of the pain of rejection and the desire for something she couldn't have. Then she closed her eyes tightly. Images of Quinn, her blonde hair, hazel eyes, smooth skin, soft lips, vanilla lip gloss, greeted her even though all she wanted was to forget about the girl. Her body shook once more, and at that moment she believed that it was truly and sincerely over, that she had lost the potential love of her life.
-/-
"I can't do this," she breathed as Puck was feeling her up on her bed.
"Sure you can, have another wine cooler," he offered.
"I'm president of the celibacy club. I took a vow."
"So did Santana and Brittany and I did them."
"What about Finn? He's your best friend," she asked.
"Come on, we're in high school. You think either one of us is going to give a damn about Finn in three years? Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a metal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead."
"Okay, but you can't tell anybody. I can't lose my rep."
"Our secret, baby," he breathed, the heavy scent of alcohol bombarding her senses as his hard lips crashed into hers.
"What about protection?" she asked.
"I got it. Trust me."
Then Puck's expression softened.
"This isn't just another hook up for me."
And Quinn let him kiss her again, her heart pounding in her chest, her conscience screaming at her to stop; but it felt good. It felt good being with Puck. He made her feel pretty. No one ever made her feel pretty. Finn sure as hell didn't make her feel pretty. He was too busy drooling over Man Hands to compliment Quinn or tell her that he loved her.
"Tell me one more time," she breathed desperately.
"You're not fat."
-/-
"Quinn? Quinn?"
Quinn whipped around and found Mr. Schuester staring at her with concern.
"You alright?"
She wasn't alright. She felt fatter than ever, glee club, the one place she sort of felt comfortable, was over, and then there was Rachel, an issue she couldn't bare to think about.
She nodded anyway.
"It's been a long year…" she started, unable to finish her sentence.
"Yeah," her teacher agreed.
Quinn decided she really didn't want to get into her deepest secrets and troubles with her Spanish teacher so she grabbed the plates and began to walk towards to the living room.
"Oh, do you need some help with those plates?"
"I'm not due for a month. I think I can handle a stack of plates."
"Right," he responded, obviously embarrassed.
The two walked into the living room. In front of them sat twelve depressed looking teenagers. Quinn took a seat and glanced over at Rachel. Her long brown locks fell beneath her shoulders. She was leaning against Finn who seemed more than content with the situation he was in. Quinn clenched her fists tightly, but she didn't want a rehash of the Jesse incident so she shut her mouth and just listened to Tina weep about not having friends.
Ever since that day in the auditorium, Quinn couldn't stand looking at Rachel. It frustrated her. She couldn't like Rachel. It was wrong. It went against everything she was taught. It went against the ways her parents raised her.
Quinn had already sinned enough. She cheated on her boyfriend, had sex before marriage breaking her vow of celibacy, and was now impregnated with an illegitimate child. Being gay would be the worst possible sin. Her father had bashed Rachel's fathers ever since Quinn was a little girl. She hadn't even known what being gay meant at the time, but they way her father said it clued her in that it wasn't something to aspire to being.
Still, Quinn never questioned her father's problem with the Berrys. He was her father; everything he said must have been true.
But if being gay was a sin, then why had kissing Rachel felt so good?
The baby kicked at the thought and it snapped her back to reality.
Quinn glanced back over to Rachel, who was obviously having a hard time keeping it together as well, but not for the same reasons as Tina or the rest of the club.
Rachel was afraid of losing her friends too, but she physically couldn't handle losing Quinn, though at this rate, it seemed that was exactly what was going to happen.
-/-
"Quinn?"
Kurt Hummel found a broken Quinn Fabray in the choir room during lunch the day before Regionals.
"What do you want?" she hissed.
Kurt sat down next to the cheerleader and sighed.
"It's Rachel isn't it?" he asked.
"What?" Quinn asked incredulously.
"Honey, I know we're not exactly friends, but it's more than obvious that something is going on between the two of you. I mean the other day you were practically having eye sex when we were rehearsing Loving Touching Squeezing. Plus, yesterday, I saw Rachel wearing sweat pants, Quinn, sweat pants! What the hell happened?"
Quinn was quiet. Could she tell him? Could she admit to someone other than herself what she had done?
"Yesterday I found Rachel singing and crying alone in the auditorium," she began.
"Go on…"
"And, well we talked and she found out what I did to Jesse and…"
"Wait what? What did you do that skeezeball?"
Quinn laughed. Skeezeball certainly was the correct word for the guy.
"I sort of beat him up."
Kurt burst into a fit of laughter.
"It's not funny!" she said defensively.
"Sorry, sorry, but why did you beat him up?"
"He egged Rachel! And abandoned her!" she explained.
"Oh, I see. You were protecting her."
"Was not!"
Kurt looked at her with one eyebrow raised. Damn he was good.
"Well, if things were going so well, please explain how I found you alone in here crying."
Quinn sighed and looked down at her hands.
"We-we kissed," she whispered.
A tear slid down her face. Kurt remained silent.
"I freaked out. We got into a huge fight and I called her a freak and she told me being gay wasn't a sin but it is because it's in the Bible and I can't be gay, Kurt. I just can't be gay. My parents hate me enough as it is. I can't. I can't be gay. I can't be…"
"Quinn, can I tell you something?" Kurt interrupted.
Quinn nodded slowly and began wiping her tears away.
"I was terrified when I found out I liked Finn."
"You were? Wait, you liked Finn?" she asked.
He nodded and sighed.
"Look, Quinn, being gay isn't a sin because loving someone isn't a sin. It's obvious to me that Rachel loves you, and you have feelings for her as well. I am lucky to have a father that accepts me. Even if your parents don't see past this you have me and glee club and Rachel. I'm not saying it's going to be easy because then I'd be lying to you. It's hard being gay, but so what? The sooner you accept who you are the better you'll feel. Trust me, Quinn. The minute I came out I was relieved. Now I can be who I am."
Kurt wrapped his arms around the sobbing cheerleader and rubbed her back.
"It's so hard," she whimpered as the tears stung her eyes.
"I know, Quinn. I know."
"What am I going to do? Rachel hates me. I-I said some awful things to her, Kurt. Like way worse than the things I normally say to her."
Quinn laid her head in the crook of the boy's shoulder and waited for his advice. She felt the rise and fall of his chest and it comforted her, made her feel safe.
"Well, it depends."
"Depends on what?"
"Well, how do you feel about Rachel? Do you love her?"
Quinn contemplated this question for a few seconds before answering.
"I- she makes me feel whole. I don't know how to explain it, but when I see her, Kurt, the baby starts kicking really hard. And when we kissed it was perfect and shit I think I do love her."
Kurt smiled to himself.
"In that case, you have to win her back, Quinn. You have to prove to her that you want to be with her, even though you know it'll destroy your reputation and your parents might never love you again."
Quinn frowned.
"Gee thanks, Kurt."
He shrugged.
"I'm just being honest with you, Quinn. Being gay is no walk in the park; but it sure beats being in the closet and having the girl of your dreams hating you."
Kurt was right. It hurt so much. Every time she looked at Rachel her heart pounded out of her chest and the baby rolled around. Everything about the girl was perfect right down to her silly wardrobe and sometimes annoying voice. The past two days had been hell for one reason and one reason only: Quinn hadn't talked to Rachel. And that's when it hit her.
"I'm gay," she whispered into Kurt's designer jacket and began crying and those cries evolved into sobs.
"I know, honey. I know."