Chapter Four: Sex Ed.
Mello, Matt, and Near, who was dozing off to sleep, sat in a small circle around a laptop. It was two in the morning, four hours past their curfew, but they had managed to convince (via threatening and certain fire-cracker related incidents) Roger into allowing their emergency meeting.
Mello rushed Matt every now and then and slapped the albino one over the head occasionally to keep the kid conscious.
The three of them called it Operation Willy Wonka (which was strictly Mello's idea), and that was the only thing about which they had agreed. Everything from there had involved intense debating, firing of guns, and forts of Lego toys. In truth, the mission of the operation wasn't actually defined, as of yet.
But of course, none of them would admit it.
Well, they had generally called together the meeting to "help" L, although each sported different ideas of achieving the end. Mello decided that they were looking for the address, phone number, social security number, and blood type of the wrench who dared to send him a copy of her resume. Matt was convinced the operation was for locating the mysterious jail-breaking ambassador. Near thought it was to aid L in securing the identity of the Pentagon Hacker.
All said and done, Matt was the only one working anyway.
"I found it." The red-head mumbled an hour later, to no one in particular—for even Mello had fallen into a slumber (and leaning on Near, on top of that). He tried again, "Hello? You guys awake?"
"Thank you, Mister Willy Wonka, I will gratefully accept…" Mello mumbled.
"I found a lead." Matt repeated for the last time and twitched in fright when Mello's eyes suddenly snapped open, "Really? You found it?"
Matt chuckled at the disgusted look that covered Mello's face once the blonde realized he had been in contact with his albino comrade.
"It was done with a cell-phone, using an original programming language—which was why we couldn't run the copy on our computer. It seems as if the language was based on an entirely different counting system." Matt rubbed his eyes and replaced his goggles, "The phone is one of the exclusive Samsung products offered only in England. I traced the buyer to Leila Bell, a chief detective at London Police."
"Why would Bell send us her resume if she was already employed? And why from her phone?"
"Resume? Aren't we talking about the ambassador? And wasn't the resume under the name of Liang Xiaoxiao, who sent it ob-vi-ous-ly by computer?" Matt arched an eyebrow, putting down again the playboy which he had just picked up.
Mello's eyes narrowed, "Are you defying me, Matt?"
"We actually convened for this operation in order to aid L in his search for the Pentagon Hacker. It is clear that Liang Xiaoxiao is a completely different matter from Leila Bell, who may or may not be related to the Pentagon Hackings, which means that both of you should go to sleep and put a rest to this absurd operation." Near nodded, eyes still closed. Matt could swear he witnessed steam was gushing out of Mello's ears...
And suddenly the atmosphere in the room dropped. Matt quickly scampered for cover and Mello drew out his BB gun.
L finished his nap when his computer screen began flashing orange and green. It was an incoming call from the orphanage.
He tried conjuring up the possibilities which would give rise to the occasion: perhaps Mello finally succeeded in burning down the place, perhaps Beyond had scared off all the younger ones, perhaps Near had been tarred black due to sun-exposure, perhaps—
"HELLO?" The speakers erupted and three faces appeared on his screen, before L had a chance to even touch his computer.
Ah, so they were actually using his computer. L wasn't sure if he was to be impressed that the juniors have learned how to bypass his computer firewall and manipulate his software, or angry that they were manipulating it at all.
"Hello." L responded, staring sullenly at the three as he plugged in the headphones, in order not to awake the sleeping Asian in the bed a few meters away.
There was a face stuffed too close to the camera and hence looked enormous on his screen, another with his goggled eyes downcast, and another looking completely disinterested. Mello, Matt, and Near, respectively.
"L, we have identified the ambassador who broke out from jail last night." Mello rushed, "She's not Chinese, actually, she's of complete English decent and a Chief Detective at the London police force—and she hacked out of jail using just a cell-phone!"
"Mm." L didn't feel surprised. Other than the enormous mistake they made about Bell, everything else was already background knowledge, "Is there anything else?"
"Well, she seems to be living in London right now, so we called the police and they're arresting her at the moment—"
L's eyes suddenly popped open, "Arresting Leila Agnes Bell?"
"How did you know her name?" Mello sparkled with fandom, and L's heart dropped all the way into his stomach. He didn't have the courage to turn his head to the direction of the bed on which Xiaoxiao Liang was snoring away.
"L is always a step ahead of us." Near yawned, "Please take care of yourself, L. We are going to sleep now, so good—"
"Wait no! I'm not done speaking to L ye—Beep."
L stared blankly at his computer screen. It was the first time in ages that he felt afraid. In fact, he wasn't just afraid. He was beginning to become paranoid. He wondered if it would be a good idea to pack up and run now, before Xiao finds out what had been done, and then decided it would be useless since Xiao would probably track him down and do something terrible to his sex organs if he ran.
It was four twenty in the morning.
Leila Bell sat across from her subordinate, who flinched every time she looked up at him. It was no surprise. She looked like a giant, baggy-eyed ball of murderous evil, who was rotten to the point of having given up on hiding her evil intentions.
"There must be a mistake." Her soft protest sounded worse than the thunder.
"Yes, there definitely is." He repeated meekly, blinking rapidly and near tears, "Would you like some coffee? Tea? Watermilkjuice? ...Blood?"
"It's four in the morning. I haven't had my beauty sleep and consequently I look like a runaway panda from the circus." She tapped her foot impatiently on the concrete floor and her subordinate began trembling terribly.
To the observers outside the interrogation window she seemed to be the one interrogating, despite her handcuffs.
"I have a blind date in fourteen hours minus nineteen minutes and thirty-two seconds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be rid of dark eye-circles once they form, and do you know how absolutely gorgeous the man I'm blind-dating is supposed to be? Do you? Do you understand at all the consequence of what you have done, of shoving me in here with the likes of you and charging me with an absolutely absurd statement and putting me, most unforgivably, in these handcuffs which aren't even cushioned on the sides and will make red marks on my wrists and might give my blind date a bad impression? Do you? Do you, YOU IDIOT?"
"I'm so sorry." He shot up from his chair and dropped to his knees, "I'm so sorry, chief…"
"Fuck, get me a bottle of vodka and find a replacement for yourself. You have ninety seconds to do that or offer me your head on a platter. And, if I ever see you again, I'm going to put a bullet through your balls."
Xiaoxiao woke up to her cell-phone ringing. Her foot was sour beyond reason and her lower half was burning in pain. Suddenly she remembered how she had gotten in this state in the first place and shot the most fanatically devilish glare she could muster at the man staring at her—
And speaking of which, why was Ryuuzaki staring at her?
Suddenly her heart stopped. Could he have found conclusive evidence that she had been visiting the Pentagon? Shit, she shouldn't have left her computer unlocked… he must have stolen her hard-drive and made a copy and sent it to a decoding agency and now she was so dead, so, so, so—
"Good morning." He smiled.
"Uhm." She frowned, baffled. Why was he smiling?
It looked like a victorious smile.
But it couldn't be.
He found her out.
But it still just couldn't be.
It just… she was too young! She couldn't waste her brilliant, sparkling youth in jail, she couldn't be jailed, not without her computer—please, god, don't do this to me, I don't deserve it, she pleaded, I've been bad, I know I've been, but you're generous, right? Right? I'll stop hacking. I'll be nice now. I'll just be a virus-catcher. Yes, yes I'll stop wasting my life away. Please, god, give me another chance and just make this evil fiend before me go away! GOD!
"I will raise your pay by twenty dollars an hour if you do not pick up the phone." Ryuuzaki's smile grew even more alarmingly wide when Xiaoxiao frowned.
"What?" She arched an eyebrow, finally stepping off her imaginary soap box.
And then she realized that he was smiling out of fear, and grew slightly more relaxed and smug. So he wasn't going to capture her? Ah, she knew it. He wouldn't be that fast, anyway, and-
"Please do not pick up the phone." As indifferent as he sounded, it was more a plea than anything she had heard so far... which worried her. And knowing the attitude that Ryuuzaki always sported, it was probably a cue that something on earth was terribly, terribly out of place.
"Why not?" She reached for the little black box and read the Caller ID—'Lei'. Why was Ryuuzaki so afraid of Leila? Could it be that he had just became aware of her wrath? It could be. Leila was a dangerous, scary figure after all.
"It's okay, Ryuuzaki, she's not so bad if you just tell her the truth." Xiao attempted a gentle smile, sympathizing with the frankly very adorable fear Ryuuzaki was emitting. She felt that the two of them had something in common. Thank god for Leila, the most probable reincarnation of Hitler in an English, non-penis-sporting, police officer form.
"I see. However, please refrain from picking up the phone." Ryuuzaki hopped down from a chair and moved behind it. She realized that he was hiding from her. "Why is that?"
"Please place your trust in me." He was shrinking farther behind it, but she simply dismissed it as prejudice.
Xiao smiled cheerfully, "I'm going to be okay, Ryuuzaki. I've known her longer, anyway. You see, she's nice to her own. She's calling me just because she's a little worried."
And with that, she reached for the phone and tilted her head in an assuring manner at L, who was beginning to perspire. Was it really so bad? What did Leila do to him, anyway? It must have happened while she was sleeping. He wasn't so afraid of her before…
"Hello?" She answered, despite the desperate and suicidal look that was growing on his face.
"Hello, I would like to order two helpings of kidney and brain from a Chinese peace ambassador, who happened to spend three hours in jail yesterday with my stolen cell-phone."
Xiao's eyes snapped open and her hand quivered. The phone slid into her lap. She was so over. This was the end of her.
She picked up the phone to whimper into a deadly silence. "Lei, I'm so sorr—"
"What's wrong? Is it not possible to deliver from Cambridge to London? Or, are you located across the ocean, Miss Liang? That's interesting, because in the note that my dear ambassador left at home, it stated quite explicitly that she was visiting a store in Cambridge. So did it actually happen before she disappeared into a jail across the ocean? EH?" Leila's pleasantly murderous tone sent Xiao trembling and near tears, even without Leila's classic glare and threatening hand gestures, "Please spare me—."
"Did you know that I have a blind date today?"
"Yes I did."
"Do you know at what hour a bunch of idiots woke me up and dragged me into an interrogation room in handcuffs?"
"No I don't."
"Do you know how inhuman I look?"
"I could imagine."
"Do you understand that it is quite impossible to escape before my date?"
"Y-y-y-ess…"
"Do you know how long it took me to find someone to introduce me onto this date?"
"No, I would never understand your magnificent efforts. I'm so sorr—"
"Would you like to die?"
"Yes please."
"Then before you commit seppuku, I will advise you, you mother fucking idiot, to turn off your mother fucking phone so that it can't be fucking traced. If you're going to fucking break from the mother fucking jail, you mother fucking idiot, at least fucking do it so you won't be fucking found again."
"I'm so sorry."
"Why isn't your phone off?"
"Would you like to hang up first?" Xiaoxiao offered. Her voice was weak and timid. Never mind her voice. She was ready to piss her pants already, and from afar, L didn't look too much healthier.
Xiaoxiao faced the empty dial-tone and felt cold perspiration staining the back of her T-shirt. She displaced the battery from the phone, now less scared and more subtly confused.
How did Leila find out about her jail time?
More importantly, how did the police in London know about it, anyway? If the police all the way in London knew about it, that meant that the police here in New York should have known about it first and reported it to them and therefore there should be police banging on her door right now, after having traced her call, and…
There wasn't.
…Which meant that whoever found her did so by examining the path that she had hacked through the police files (within hours, to boot). There was no possibility that any of the American governmental forces owned someone of such talent—because otherwise the Pentagon firewall would have been in much better shape.
So the informant must have been a private detective of sorts. But which private detective would bother working for the NYPD? She squinted, turning her head slowly to Ryuuzaki, "Ryuuzaki, you didn't happen to inform Leila of my position, did you?"
"I would not dare invoke that wrath." Ryuuzaki attempted a smile, another failed attempt, but this time Xiaoxiao did not find it funny. At all. Xiao was sure that he was the culprit. There could be no other.
"Ryuuzaki, please come here."
"I would like to refuse that offer." His voice had become a bit weaker than usual. He was actually slightly nervous, Xiao realized. There was good reason, since she was going to peel off his scortum and stitch them to his eyeballs.
And she was going to do it now.
"It was a command." She snapped, rising from the bed. Ryuuzaki suddenly darted to the other side of the room, "You have my word that I did not inform Miss Leila Bell of your current disposi—"
"L! L, open up! We're starving and it's so cold out here!" A voice, clearly that of a boy, burst from behind the suite door. All the blood drained out of L's pastel face and immediately he looked rather grey.
"That is because you decided not to wear a jacket, Mello." Another voice joined, slightly less excited but still that of a child.
"Shut up, you albino pajama-sporting freak!"
Suddenly Xiao felt like laughing. The interruption fired away her anger, and the more she contemplated about what was said, the happier she became. It must not have been a coincidence. She turned towards Ryuuzaki—no, L: the world's greatest Detective L—"It's funny, isn't it, that there are people mistaking you for a famous detective now?"
"It is certainly rather flattering." L nodded, voice a bit bigger now that he realized she wasn't going to murder him in cold blood after all.
"L, we located the cell-phone to be in very close proximity to your room. We know you're in there, we traced your wireless receptor, so let us in!" Yet another voice. A trio?
Xiao frowned at the first sentence. Located the cell-phone…Her eyes widened. Suddenly she realized she was in an intricate situation once again.
She snorted as everything began unraveling in her brain. So those children were the ones who submitted the phone information to the police. No wonder they pointed to Leila-they simply did not understand the witch's wrath. But for L to know about it before hand meant that he must have known these children, which meant that he was indeed L. It was more than enough proof. Ryuuzaki was a Detective. Ryuuzaki was L.
Xiao tried to analyze the situation
If L opened the door and answered, he would be insinuating that he was L. Consequently, she would be able to innocently question why he was pretending to own a company—though they both knew the answer already—and would be able to stop him from spying on her with good reason. After all, if it was clear that he was investigating her, she could hide her actions for the reason of privacy. However, if it was unannounced that he was a detective, her hiding things would only be proof of conscious guilt.
"L, we really did find the jail-breaking ambassador's phone signal here!"
But if L opened the door, the children outside would most likely lock her in jail for the rest of her life on the charge of breaking from jail and messing with governmental files. And from there, Leila would probably visit her once every month to rip out her spleen and feed it to the scavengers outside. Further, she would be deprived of her computer and stuck with herds of people who didn't even understand how to speak in Java.
On the other hand, if the door opened, L would never be able to prove her to be a hacker—since she would already be in jail. Xiao felt, somewhere within her, that to L, nothing was more important than pinning her down and winning his case. He could probably care less if he had to bail her out of jail every day to do it.
"Open up, sheesh, what are you doing in there anyway?"
So then it was in both of their best interests to keep the door shut, Xiao concluded.
L seemed to have reached the same conclusion and did not respond to the cries from the outside. Instead, he began packing up his things—which consisted only of a laptop and candy—into a suitcase from nowhere. Xiao believed that he was trying to hide his things and pretend that he wasn't there. It wasn't a shabby move. She watched with amusement as L darted around the door at surprising speed, given his obviously disabling hunchback.
But when he began taking his shirt off, Xiao's smile disappeared completely, "What are you doing?"
"You see me very clearly. Please join." He responded, as if it was the most obvious choice to make—which was completely unbelievable, since he was insinuating that they were to fake…
Xiao's face twitched, "You wanna die?"
"I'm quite sure you would be the one in most harm if the door was opened. And from what I can gather, the children outside seem intelligent enough to break the lock to this room and determined enough to do so, if it is not opened within three minutes."
"L, we can hear your voice! Are you with a woman? Why is a girl in there with you"
"That's…" Xiao dropped her voice when L put a finger to his lips—in a creepily adorable fashion—and pushed a DVD into the player below the television. He turned on the TV and a voice—not too different from his own—erupted from the speakers.
"L! IS THERE A WHORE IN THERE WITH YOU? LET ME IN, I'LL EXTERMINATE HER FOR YOU! DAMNED AMERICAN PROSTITUTES-!"
"From the sounds of it, those children outside would not leave unless they saw something entirely inappropriate. They seem intelligent enough to begin questioning why you have a room that is registered under a male name, Ryuuzaki, if you were doing something as mundane as sleeping. They would therefore report you for swindling hotel rooms. However, if we seem to be in a completely inappropriate act, they would act out of shock and leave immediately without thought. We may exploit that time to depart so that, by the time they regain enough composure to return, we would have moved far enough to be out of touch." L whispered.
Xiao groaned silently. The situation was unbelievable—and to an obsessive hacker which she was, who had never even held hands with a person of the opposite gender, it was downright absurd.
"Well, we're coming in!"
"Two bucks says you can't hack open it within three minutes."
"You're on."
But it was also necessary. It was obvious that she had to cooperate. L dimmed the lights and crawled onto the bed in his jeans. Xiaoxiao began quickly pulling off her shirt when she heard the familiar tapping of the keyboard. They really were going to hack into the hotel's lock system.
L had already covered himself completely with a blanket when she dropped her clothing on the floor and crawled into the bed next to him. He lifted a side of the blanket, letting her in as if it was the most normal thing to do.
"Move up." He ordered. She followed, expecting him to do so as well. However, he moved lower until she felt his hair brushing against her stomach.
She twitched and gasped every time he brushed against her as he attempted to crawl on top of her, into some awkward intercourse position. Xiao wasn't sure which of them knew better; it seemed rather clear to her, from the look on his face, that he was just as lost was she was.
"Do you know what you're even doing?" She yelped harshly.
"Your bra is still on." He whispered from his position below the blanket. Xiao felt his breath on her thigh and wanted to cry, "Do you realize where your head is?"
"This is the only position where I can cover my face to prevent being recognized. Please cooperate and open your legs." His voice was lower now, but still as indifferent as before. Xiao dragged the blanket completely over his head and took off her bra, "I'm done."
"Breathe heavily." He ordered from underneath the blanket.
"Shut up." Xiao didn't need him to tell her to breathe heavily. She was already near tears, perspiring, quivering, and her face felt ready to explode. It was an act, she reminded herself, an act. Once those kids see this, they will be out and gone and—beep.
The door slammed open. She pretended not to notice. She felt L's nails dig into her thigh and hollered in pain—"AH! What are you DOING?"
"Oh…"
Upon hearing the small voice she suddenly remembered that there were visitors and twisted her head towards them, quickly covering her breasts—which were rather flat, anyway—"Who the hell are you?"
"Ah, we're s-s-so…sorry…" Of the three children crowded five meters away from her, the blonde one looked the most petrified. The small, white one reminded her rather of L, with his completely indifferent look, and the red-head had barely finished his apology before snapping around and dashing for the door. The two others followed quickly, slamming the door with a loud bang after them.
It had all happened so quickly Xiao was left in disbelief. L, however, seemed to be in better shape. Within seconds he was already out of the blanket and redressing himself. Xiao could only swear and follow him, more out of competitiveness than desire. In truth she just wanted to bury her head in the blankets and die right there.
Within two minutes they were in the elevator, both sulking in a heavy atmosphere.
"I had previously believed that all women shaved their legs." L mumbled, at his corner of the cage.
"You should complain less while your pants are still tight around the crotch." Xiao snickered, staring down the buttons on the elevator panel. The reflection of the old lady behind them revealed a petrified face.
"It is very witty of you to make such a remark, Xiao, especially since you seem so flustered to even pretend to undergo the foreplay section of sexual intercourse. I find it of interest that someone as naïve as you can simultaneously make comments that give yourself the image of someone very well versed in fornification."
"Even a veteran prostitute would be upset to have someone of your caliber at her vagina."
"Is that why you were secreting such an incredible amount of mucous?"
"That's a biological reaction."
"Then I will say the same for my erection."
"Why did you pinch me, then?"
"You did not sound very natural. I imagine a woman having another's tongue on her clitoris to sound slightly more pleasured."
There was a thump. Neither turned around to help the old lady who had fainted.
"Ah, by the way, why did you have to hide your face? You do realize, Ryuuzaki, that this increases the possibility of your identity as L, don't you?"
"Please do not over analyze." The elevator doors slid open. They walked out at the same time, neither yielding an inch to the other, as L continued, "I simply desired to hide my face during pretense of sexual intercourse."
"Are you calling me shameless?" Xiao snapped as the two began walking faster and faster, each trying to surpass the speed of the other without admitting it.
"That would be rude." L and Xiao squeezed out the entrance at the same time, nearly running over a two-year old toddler, who watched in amazement as what seemed to be two original circus animals zoomed out of the hotel, completely in sync, "And why are you so sensitive about the possibility that I am L?"
"Because we're hacking into the Pentagon, which might be a case that L would look into. That's all." Xiaoxiao snarled.
"Since we are only developing the software, I believe that L will be looking into our employers, if the software is used. On the other hand, I believe that if L so desired to jail us for attempting to hack into the Pentagon, he could do so within seconds."
"Is that so? I wonder why we are not jailed yet. Is it because L is incapable?"
Xiao held down a giggle when L's eyebrows scrunched together for a split second, "No, it is simply because L is not particularly interested in arresting you."
"Is that true? He's not interested in sticking me in prison?" Xiao peered into L's eyes.
L returned with a smile, "Perhaps."
There was a short pause, during which both suddenly remembered that Ryuuzaki was still only Ryuuzaki. L added hesitantly, "Since I am not L, I cannot say for certain."