The air was cold and bitter against his back as Johann swept the dry and dusty ground. His hands gripped lazily at the broom autonomously sweeping at nothing. That's all he knew, work, just do what the headmaster says and do it right. Beyond the dark iron gates of his home, the Munich Home for Wayward Boys, he could see the average person go about their day. Kids ran past hollering joyful jeers as they pushed the adults out of their way. His hand clung to the broom tighter, the bitterness making its way from his heart to his throat, he clenched his teeth to keep it at bay. He continued with his mindless chore when a puppy ran from the outside past his leg.
'Come here boy, yes shhh, it's okay, I got you,'
Johann turned to his friend, Dieter, with the puppy clutched in his arms. He looked as if he was holding onto it for dear life. Anger welled up quickly, this puppy would get them all in trouble if he wasn't careful enough. But to see the look of care and that small amount of happiness on Dieter's face was enough to make Johann soften, damn the consequences. Suddenly, a large unmarked truck came and stopped at the gates. A stern and hard-faced man leaned out from the window and called out to them.
"You boys see a dog run in there?"
Johann quickly directed his hand and gestured away from them.
"It went that way."
Before he could hear the driver's response a sharp and heavy hand cracked across the back of his head. He was dazed for a moment before he looked up to see the angered eyes of his headmaster.
"No talking to decent people, Schmidt. You know the rules."
It didn't matter what happened to Johann most of the time, and that's what he was used to. However, he would never let anything bad happen to Dieter that could hurt or change him. Even if it meant Dieter's death.
They stared into each other's eyes as they both processed what had just happened. Johann stared down at him blankly, almost as if he was staring at something behind Steve. A memory he has clung to for the majority of his life, something that fuelled his rage and his desire to redesign the world. He clenched his fist tightly as his arm began to tremble, he couldn't let anyone see him like this. He couldn't let anyone see him this weak. The blissful daze subsided in his mind and he took a defensive step away from his former adversary.
Steve looked up at him confused. His eyes trailed across Johann's body, he noticed his trembling, and he didn't understand it. He quickly glanced back up into his eyes and all he saw was pain. He went to reach out for him, to place his hand on the man's arm. Johann recoiled away from him again, as he shook his head adamantly. "I have to go." He spoke with a steady shake in his voice. "I won't go through this again."
Steve stared up at him with wide gentle eyes, however, they also told a tale of hurt. He always played second fiddle to his old friend Bucky. Every girl he was set up with just never clicked with him and he never understood them. Perhaps that's why he stuck to his old friend like glue, he was someone who clicked, something he understood. He didn't want to lose this feeling, he didn't want to let go like he did Bucky, like he did Peggy.
But to Johann, all he saw when he looked down at Steve now, was the wide eyes of Dieter. He couldn't shake the memories, he couldn't forget his face, his eyes, and those pleading eyes. For a moment he pictured himself at ease, what if he could let it go, what if he could move on. Wouldn't that be what Dieter would want? The idea of peace moved its way through his chest as he imagined himself free of the constraints of the past, to be free at the moment to allow himself to feel these feelings. Before he could fully ease into the comfortable feeling the images of other gay men being tormented and killed because of who they loved were brought back to the forefront of his mind. His own experiences with the world's hatred for gay people burned in his mind. All of these horrible feelings culminate in experiencing a flashback to Dieter's face after he had killed him. He began to shake violently as he pushed Steve away from him. "If you want to die you can stay here and you can continue whatever you started with that kiss!" His real red visage appeared for a brief flash as tears began to well at the corner of his eyes.
Steve looked at him incredibly hurt, he had just made himself vulnerable to him and now he was being punished for it. But he wasn't going to back down, he knew Johann now, and he knew that when Johann was scared he turned his fear into anger.
"I'm not going anywhere," Steve said determined to show strength and to show Johann that he was not afraid and show him that he was here for him. "I know that we come from a time that didn't allow men like us to even look at each other with kindness let alone do what we just did, but I've seen people's attitude towards it now, it's not like that anymore. At least for the most part," he trailed off at the end. He knew it was more accepted now, and by being more accepted it wouldn't lead you to an insane asylum to be castrated, but it didn't mean that everyone was happy about it being acceptable. He regretted his weakness in his suggestion that people were still cruel because it seemed to confirm Johann's fears.
The fearful man's face clenched with anger, "Then what are you going to do if people find out? What are you going to do when people find out who I am? I doubt they'll accept you but they will hate you if they found out it's the Red Skull who you have affection for!" Steve went to reply hastily but he stopped, Johann had made a good point, but that didn't matter to Steve now. He couldn't think like that, he couldn't let himself think like that. He had to stay strong, he had to stand his ground.
"I don't care what they think, because we have no idea how they will react. That's if anyone finds out, which they might not. We won't know how to react to any of them because it hasn't happened yet."
Steve being reasonable seemed to only anger Johann further. He didn't want to hear that, he wanted to hear something that told him this was over, that he didn't have to feel vulnerable. Something that confirmed to him that he was a horrible person and that he didn't deserve anything. He tried to hold back his emotions, he held his tongue to the roof of his mouth in an attempt to stop his tears but every attempt was futile.
"I won't die if I stay with you. I know you're just trying to push me away like you always do, but as I said. I'm not going anywhere."
For a moment Johann stopped shaking, he stopped moving altogether. His eyes narrowed in on Steve who glared up at him determined to remain strong. Steve stood by his feelings, and he stood by his impulsive choice. Johann's head craned to the side as a cruel expression came across his face. "Do you really think that's the case?" His voice was cold it was like his demeanour had completely changed. However, Steve was prepared for this, he knew that when Johann's attempts at pushing him back wouldn't work he would try and make Steve fear him. "Do you want to know what happened to the last man I loved? Or perhaps even the first one?" He took a step closer towards Steve his eyes full of harsh and cold emotion.
"I killed them. I killed the first with a bullet in the head, and the other died because people found out he was a homosexual. If it weren't for me that never would have happened. If it weren't for me they would still be alive. In fact, many people would still be alive. I don't understand how you could honestly stand there and claim to respect me enough to love me. You betray everything you stand for, it seems I've manipulated you into liking me."
Steve's tough demeanour began to falter at Johann's words. 'But why, why would he shoot him?' Was one of the many questions he had circling his mind. The second death was no fault of Johann's but the first one left him puzzled and made him want to ask more questions. When all seemed lost Johann said that Steve only liked him because he was being manipulated, and that sentiment sent a fire through Steve like no other.
"No one has ever told me how to feel. No one could ever manipulate me into liking someone. Do you think it's easy to understand these feelings? Do you think I would love you if I choose to or if you simply will it into existence? I doubt you want to manipulate anyone into liking you since it causes you these problems." He paused for a moment to take a deep breath before he continued with fire in his words. "I like you, hell I love you because I just do. No magic or science can explain it, maybe it was the time we were forced to spend together, or maybe it's because you were the only thing I have from my past. Whatever the reason it doesn't matter. My feelings are mine and everything I say, I mean with my whole heart. It's what makes people respect me because I stand by what I say and my actions. I stand by that kiss." He held his head high, he wasn't going to let Johann's insecurities win. He couldn't.
Johann glared down at him for what felt like an eternity. His mind was racing to come up with something to say, something to retort to Steve's reasoning. His eyes darted around searching Steve's hoping to find anything, an ounce of weakness, an answer, just anything that could stop this from happening. To stop him from feeling anything. But in his eyes, he found nothing but that spark that cursed spark that pushed Steve to fight for what was right.
Johann paced in Erskine's office as he waited for him to get back from the string of meetings he was scheduled for. Fury in his veins as he clutched the letters he had written to his second love. As well as the letter that was sent to that lover's family to let him know that he had been killed 'in action' which was a lie. He was killed because someone had anonymously given the letters to the SS and they took care of the rest. There was only one person that Johann knew had knowledge of their existence, and he was about to enter the room. The fireplace hissed, Johann stood before it searching its flames for strength. Erskine opened the door unaware of what furious creature awaited inside. He stopped in the doorway, and hesitantly he shut the heavy door behind him.
"Johann."
"You took your time. Might you explain what these were doing in the hands of the SS?" He held the letters up without looking towards the old man.
"I redacted your name from them so they wouldn't know-"
"And that makes it better?" Johann spoke harshly through gritted teeth. He was holding a tidal wave of rage at bay as he stared into the fire. "I was wondering why I hadn't seen him around in a while. Turns out my trusted mentor sent him to his death!" He whipped around to face him, a gun in hand pointed directly at the scientist now.
"I did what I had to! You were becoming too obvious, you're Hitler's chosen soldier think of what they would do to you if they found out!" Erskine made a hard decision. He had tried to tell Johann in the past to cease the relationship but it was no use. The young, stubborn and passionate man wouldn't listen to him. Every day with the increasing risk he would go and meet his love. He couldn't risk what would follow if they found out Johann was the one involved. Erskine didn't want to see this young boy that he had helped teach, train and raise be killed because of foolish feelings.
"You didn't have to do anything!" Johann cried out to him, "You killed him! You betrayed me!" The words stung in his through as he choked back tears. His hand gripped tighter around the gun, he clung to it for strength to do what needed to be done, to avenge an innocent man. "I also found these while I was in here," he revealed that he was also holding a one-way ticket to America that left at the end of that night. "You were planning to leave me here, just so you didn't have to face your guilt!" He hissed furiously. He moved his hand that held the ticket towards the fire the fury in his eye threatened to set them alight.
"I did it to protect you!" Erskine pleaded with the boy but it was no use. Nothing would change his mind, nothing will make him see reason. His eyes widened when Johann threatened to burn his way out of there. "No! You can't I have to get away, not because of my guilt but because of the serum. I cannot have it stay here, I'm taking it where it can be used for good."
"Used for good," Johann said in a harsh whisper, "but what about what you promised?" His hand that held the gun began to shake as if the fury inside of him couldn't contain itself and was begging to be released.
"I know what I said Johann, but-" He paused for a moment, he could die if he said the wrong thing. That didn't matter, what mattered was that the serum he had made did not end up in the hands of Hitler. "I cannot let you take that serum, it would destroy you."
"But you promised it to me! That's what I've been through hell training for you, why I listened to your lessons!"
"The answer is no Johann, I will not give it to you!"
"What do you mean no! Abraham you promised! You promised it would be me!"
"I know, Johann but I- Look at you! How can I anymore?"
"But I did everything you asked! I was good, I am trying, I did everything right!"
"You did everything I asked, but you never stopped. You just kept going and going…"
The mind stone's influence before was strong, but not strong enough to reveal the whole memory to Johann at the time. It was Steve's defiance of his attempt to go back behind the walls he built that brought it all back.
"… I had to have him sent away! I didn't know it would end up with him dying but I had to stop you! Your emotions are like those that we keep away from society. But no medicine could ever bind you in reality. Nothing can stop the path, the path that I helped push you on. You are destructive, you are headstrong. I cannot help you. I do not know how to help you. I cannot give you the serum, it will destroy you. It knows it knows that you are vicious and it will tear you apart to show that to you!"
"So that's it! Because you think the serum has a conscious that it will change me into some kind of mythical monster has suddenly made you change your mind. Has made you so scared that you will run from me?!" Johann dropped the papers on the desk bitterly before he slammed his hand back down on it. The gun was still aimed at Erskine's head with the red light of the flames dancing across Johann's deranged face. "Whatever I did, I did make you proud! All I've ever done is prove myself to you and everyone else that I'm not just some scum on the street, that I mean something. I did everything you asked of me, and this is the reward I get!" He threw a glass paperweight that just merely missed Erskine before it smashed into the wall behind him. "No matter, I will get that serum because you can run away from here. I will make you regret ever betraying me!" He stalked around the desk, gun still aimed high. He stared furiously into Erskine's eyes for a moment before he reached for the door to open it.
"I cannot help you anymore Johann," Erskine spoke softly as he saw this boy, who he had helped raise from a teenager into a young man, become a being fuelled by his own terrifyingly cruel hatred. "I'm sorry, for the false promises I made. I'm sorry for encouraging you without truly listening to you. I fear your recklessness is partially my fault."
Johann looked into the man's eyes with pure disgust. Even when apologising he couldn't admit that he was the sole reason for Johann's reaction. He even took time to insult him, it was as if he meant nothing to him. Without another word, he left for the laboratory to make a decision that would change the course of his life forever.
The feelings of that day weighed heavily on his chest. The cruelty, the defensiveness and his insecurities began to drain away from his expression and heart. "Do you truly mean what you say, is there a place in your heart for me?" He asked Steve one final question, but his voice had lost all of its anger and power.
Steve could see he had finally broken through and he hoped this was the last time he had to break this many barriers to get to the real Johann. "I meant every word, and every action, there is room for you with me. I made sure of it."
Johann froze at the response as if he was waiting for Steve to laugh and for there to be guards ready to take him away to a hellhole he couldn't escape from. But nothing bad followed, just the sounds of the helicarrier buzzing around them. "I'm… sorry," was all Johann could stammer to say before he began to openly sob. He reached forward for Steve who understood what he needed and pulled him into a strong embrace. They held each other for a long time with Steve allowing himself to shed tears of grief for Coulson's death but also allowing himself to be open with Johann. Who would have thought the two of them would ever be found together like this. Certainly not either of them as they clung to each other desperate to not have to let go again.
They finally moved apart when the sound of boots clattered sombrely across the metal floors of the corridor. They wiped their eyes and brushed themselves down to make it look as if nothing had happened. They turned to face the sounds of the footsteps and it was Fury who was the source of the sound. He stopped just outside the door and looked inward to see the two of them there. A flash of relief went across his face as he stepped inside the destroyed laboratory.
"Glad to see you didn't run," he spoke quietly, the once noble commander was now stricken with grief at the loss of his friend. He slowly raised his head to look between the two of them. "I've got nothing for you." He managed to say before he reached into his pocket and revealed that he had Coulson's collectible cards. He placed them down on the table next to him slowly. The two super soldiers looked at him curiously. Steve's eyes wandered to glance down at the collectibles plastered with his smiling face. He remembered his smile and his look of admiration when they first met. It burned into his chest and branded itself there. He gritted his teeth before he turned his attention back to Fury.
"I know I didn't explain everything to you two, and yes, we were going to use the tesseract to create an arsenal but I never put all my chips on that number though," Fury's voice trailed off. He leaned up against the door frame as he turned his head to stare in thought out of the window. "There was an idea, the Avengers Initiative. It was going to bring together a group of remarkable individuals who could fight the battles we never could," he paused to look down at the cards he placed on the table. "Phil Coulson died believing in that idea… In heroes." Johann grimaced that the word heroes as he turned his gaze away from Fury. "I understand if you do not trust me, I would be concerned if you did. Just know that there is still a place for you both here, at this time, to do what's right." With that, he pushed himself off of the wall and walked slowly down the corridor away from them.
The two of them watched him walk away. They noted his slow and sombre demeanour meant that the events of the past few days were really starting to get to him.
Johann exhaled deeply before he moved to one of the tables to take a seat on it. For once he had nothing running through his mind and he was greatful. He needed a moment to gather his thoughts and he wasn't the only one. Steve came and sat beside him to bask in the thoughtless silence. The helicarrier hummed and the sound of wind drifted through the broken sides of the large machine. Then suddenly, a thought entered Johann's mind. ´Why did Loki want to be captured?' He couldn't help but ask himself as he recalled the events of the past few hours. His mind toiled as he thought about the event in Germany where he made all the bystanders kneel for him.
"He wanted to divide us," Steve spoke up quietly it was like they were both on the same train of thought.
"He knows we are a threat, without us, he will be able to achieve his goal," Johann remarked as he thought back to when he was in a similar position to Loki. He knew Steve would be a formidable opponent so he became his prime target. Perhaps it is the same with Loki and this group that Fury brought together, maybe he can sense their combined power.
"To fight the battles we never could," Steve repeated Fury's words as he tried to find reason in Loki's actions.
"He wants an audience," The voice of Tony Stark broke their concentration as stepped into the room to speak with them. His eyes were filled with a stunned shock, it was clear he was not processing what happened with Coulson well, but he was putting on his best show to mask it. He moved absently into the room to stand in front of them. "Just like I'm sure you did long ago," he gestured sporadically at Johann as his mind whirled with possibilities. Steve looked as if he was about to speak up angered by Stark trying to seed more division between them but before he could Johann placed a hand on his arm to stop him.
"Like what happened with him in Stuttgart? He wants to be seen as being powerful, he wants to be seen defeating us." Johann threw out the possible motive which received a snap of Stark's fingers in agreement.
"Exactly, but this is no longer previews this is opening night and he wants the world to see his show. He needs flashing lights he needs his name and face on the theatre-" He walked around as he rattled the possibilities before he stopped and turned to stare back at them. "Son of a bitch." He went to stride out of the room when he came to his conclusion. Steve jumped up and caught his attention.
"What is it Stark?"
"My tower, the arc reactor. He's going to use it for his power source." He swiftly moved towards the exit before he stopped to turn back towards them. "Get ready, because we're gonna be moving out. I'm sure someone knows how to fly a jet."