Chapter Seven: The Powers of a Transvestite Subordinate
Asimo-san's corner: Hiyo readers! Sorry for the long wait (-sigh-). This time I was kidnapped by fossils of T. Rex & Company and sent off to Jupiter to have a tea party with some aliens. Ahem.
Exactly forty-two years and seventy-nine days ago, Heath Monroe's zealous sperm swam fiercely past Janet Monroe's cervix and won first place in the four-inch dash for the almighty egg. Eight months later, Kevin Monroe was born onto earth to carry out forty-two years of unremarkable and blissful time-wasting (twenty of which were spent as a prison warden).
Yet, despite all his hard work to be un-outstanding and excellently normal, God decided to chug him down the toilet (metaphorically speaking, fortunately) after fate took a crap all over his face.
That was the only explanation for his present dilemma, Kevin decided.
Only two weeks ago, Kevin was the head security guard for the state prison. But then a mad Chinese woman, now identified as a cross-dressing sugar-thief, broke out of jail—or, more like, Kevin let him out rather publically since it seemed (it really did at the time) that the edgy person was a Chinese Peace Ambassador.
After it was revealed that there was no such thing as a Chinese Peace Ambassador, and that Kevin had just released an assault-and-robbery prisoner also charged with a four-inch thick file of other faults, Kevin was demoted into an assistant security guard.
A chance for promotion came when the police recaptured the cross-dressing-sugar-stealing-fraud. Kevin quickly volunteered to guard the man until the day of the trial.
But two hours ago the entire prison blacked out and the only prisoner of whom Kevin was in charge—Transvestite Ryuuzaki—had disappeared.
Kevin was left be bashed thoroughly by a bad-tempered sack of white, angry, fat, who also decided to suspend him from the head-guard unit permanently.
Kevin therefore retreated to guard a cell of three children. At first he comforted himself with the thought that children would be easy to take care of. After all, at six-foot-five and waxing two hundred pounds, Kevin could squash the little things with a snap.
It turned out that he couldn't have been more mistaken. The moment he stepped within proximity of the cell a blonde, flat-chested girl threatened to sling a bullet through his balls if he didn't present a box of chocolate within five minutes. And the thing was, Kevin was scared shitless just from the pair of grim blue eyes.
So much for squashing children, Kevin sighed to himself, as the three began re-enacting World War II with Lego forts and PSPs and rosemaries.
The worst, however, was scarcely over for Kevin Monroe.
When he returned (it was almost like a déjà vu) with a box of chocolate, suddenly the lights flickered off. Again.
The first thought that came across the middle aged man's mind was that perhaps he should have gotten his pulse checked. He might have recently died. After all, two blackouts just don't happen in the same day in the nation's biggest prison.
Kevin then froze mid-step, and recalling the previous catastrophe, dashed for his cell to make sure that the three midgets from hell were in place. He wasn't about to let another prisoner walk out of the place alive.
Except, by the time he had reached the metal barrier, the three had already made their way out. By the little rays of sunshine crawling through the barred windows, Kevin could make out three figures dusting themselves off carelessly as they sauntered towards the exit.
"Hurry up, Mello." The white one mumbled, staring holes into the blonde girl behind him.
"Can't you see that I'm busy, Near?" A vicious snap followed, accompanied by a glare.
"You can pick lint off your shoes later. Do you seriously desire to be caught escaping from prison?"
"The guard's already here." The one with goggles mumbled flatly, eyes still stuck on his PSP. Kevin agreed, opening his mouth to say something and kick the three of them back in their place. He felt glorious, beautifully triumphant and grand and—
The blonde one, Mello, shot a deathly glare his way.
It was seriously like a virtual bitch slap, that glare. "He's not going to get in our way, Matt."
Kevin flexed his jaw speechlessly, all his two hundred pounds of muscle and masculinity melting away due to the look of doom, "Well, um actually—"
"Actually what? Do you wantto get into my way?" Mello snapped, and Kevin shut up quickly, "No."
And that was the last conversation Kevin ever had in New York State Prison. He submitted his resignation letter rather voluntarily, after twenty years of service, and walked cheerfully into an asylum the next day.
"Mister Alexander," L started. If he didn't believe in bad luck before, he certainly wasn't too far from giving in now. Within two hours he had had his credit card reported stolen and subsequently gained the attention of a cross-dressing waitress, and somehow, this cross-dresser was now adamantly (and rather shamelessly) stalking him.
If Xiaoxiao ever knew about this, she might die choking on her own laughter, L postulated dourly.
"Alexandra. It's Alexandra." The shrill woman—man, no, woman—corrected sternly, "Or Alex. Actually, just call me Alex."
"Alexander, please refrain from following me any further, for otherwise I would be obligated to remove you by force." L's face flashed with a grim, exasperated frown. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate her (no, his, no her—aish!) paying his bill earlier, but he had already paid it back and it was just unreasonable for her to follow him all the way from New York City into the front door of the Pentagon headquarters.
"It's okay, Ryuu, no one can remove me. I'll stick with ya!"
How she managed to twist the meaning of his previous statement, L had no clue. "I would ask rather that Alexander refrain from sticking to me, although I appreciate the notion."
L had several things in mind. First, he desperately needed to get rid of this Alexander, who had seen his face (despite the fact that he was wearing a mask now) and might threaten his anonymity. Then, he needed to figure out something to say to General Kim, who had called him to the Pentagon headquarters probably to beat into his skull the grave mistake L was making by taking more than a week to arrest the Hacker. After the two matters at hand, he still had a bet to win.
"Aw, but why? You see, us transvestites—" Alexander was cut off by the greeting from an approaching guard.
L turned his gaze sullenly to the approaching man. This could turn out to be a catastrophe. If the guard calls his name, then Alexander would realize that L was Ryuuzaki and would probably leak it to the press… L shook the thought out of his head and turned slowly to the guard, who saluted rather formally towards—
L couldn't believe it.
Alexander?
"Dismissed." Alexander waved casually and turned back to L, "Us transvestites, as I've said, we've got to stick together and—"
L's eyes widened when General Kim's figure swung into view. If the guard didn't recognize him, surely Kim would. "Agent Stewart and Detective L! How convenient that the two of you have already met! Come this way, then—"
L frowned, and deeper still when Alexander dismissed the old man, "Come on, wait your turn, you old pickle. Can't you see I'm trying to soak up a date here?"
"You're trying to date…? Heh." General Kim didn't continue, but even L's usually pastel face hinted at a blush at the old man's insinuation. Alexander blinked innocently, and then suddenly the tall blonde's face crumpled when he finally processed what the six-foot tall bag of aged anger had said a few seconds ago. "Wait, no—"
L itched to run.
"You're L? Ryuuzaki? Ryuuzaki, the jail-breaking transvestite fraud is the world's best Detective L? Well, well now, it seems as if I'm not the only one with an identity crisis." It looked like L needed a stash of permanent markers to fix the much-too-delighted smile mushrooming on the blonde's face.
"Come inside." The old man nagged once again and, with a chuckle, Alexander swung his hand in the direction of L's buttocks.
Thankfully L had rather fast reflexes and quickly followed after General Kim, dodging the potentially awkward smack.
"Well, Detective, since you were taking quite some time on the Hacker case, I decided to provide you with an assistant." Kim pointed a languid finger at Alexander, who beamed at the attention, "Hi~ya!"
"I do not recall requesting one." L responded sullenly. Alexander was going to get into his way at best and befriend Xiao at worst.
L could imagine doomsday vividly: Alexander would force L into marrying him, then imprison Xiao forever, and Xiao would kill herself and turn into a ghost to, as she promised so many times, throttle L's precious genitalia.
"I thought you'd say that. That's fine, though. Agent Stewart's just going to investigate on his own, if you don't cooperate. But, the compensation goes to whoever captures the Hacker first." The old man grinned, flexing his fingers, "Detective, please interpret this as a competition."
"I was about to interpret it as your asking for my soul, General." L muttered sarcastically to himself and was unfortunately caught by the perpetually slap-happy Alexander, "Oh, that can definitely be arranged! Would you like to hand it over upfront in one lump sum, or in monthly installments?"
L fed a thumb into his mouth, squatting into a nearby chair and folding his knees up feebly into thinking position. Alexander stared at him, seething adoration and other disgusting sentiments, while L wondered if it would serve him better to work with or against the shameless, doggedly excited transvestite.
"Actually, it would be my honor to work with Agent Stewart."
L wanted to slap himself for admitting it, but having someone like Alexander on his side would be better than consistently working against him. Alexander noted his lack of enthusiasm, "It's funny how your voice sounds like the gutting of a cat in sync with scratching a chalkboard with iron nails, L. Very lovely transformation."
"That's settled, then. Good luck, Detective." Kim headed away, leaving L with a frantically beaming Alexander.
"I will certainly need it." L muttered to himself crossly as he surveyed the tall, lean chunk of girly manliness before him. Somehow he couldn't help himself from thinking that Kim had just tossed him into the hands of Satan.
Xiaoxiao jolt up in her seat, staring flabbergasted into the computer screen as Henry shaved a potato for dinner.
"HENRY."
"…Yes?"
"HENRY, WHY ARE MY THREE LITTLE PIGLETS GONE?"
"Well, could it be possible that you ate them? Maybe they're on bathroom break." Henry responded meekly as Xiaoxiao slammed a paw onto her keyboard and began clicking furiously with a mouse in hand.
A moment later some static filled the tense silence.
Henry put his potato down and stared at Xiao and her computer curiously. Her computer screen flashed an over-sized, narcissistic L.
Henry was beginning to wonder why the 'L' looked so familiar (he had definitely seen it somewhere in the newspaper…) when a soft cough came from the speakers. He caught Xiao looking rather flustered as she chomped on her lower lip, "Okay, L. I give."
"Huh?" Henry blinked, but was cut off by another voice from the computer speakers, "Shall we negotiate, Xiao?"
A second voice streamed out of the computer speakers, "Who's that, L?"
"Just an acquaintance, Alexander—"
"Alexandra."
"Alexandra. Please allow Watari to escort you to your room."
"Yes, because you've definitely given me a chance not to negotiate, L." Xiao groaned. Henry watched as she slammed her head against the table and groaned helplessly, "I admit. I've got no idea how you managed to steal them—you hacked into the system, didn't you? But how did you get them out so quickly? My computer didn't even—"
"L! So you broke out of jail, committed fraud, robbed and assaulted, and are also a thief and a hacker?"
"Alexander, please go to your room."
"L, did you adopt a child?"
"For the record, no, Xiao. And what, exactly, did I steal and hack?"
"You certainly enjoy rubbing this into my face, L, you hunchbacked pimp." Xiao groaned, head-desking again.
"Oh, you certainly don't need to rub that into her face! Hey, hey you, Miss Xiao—trust me, I understand what you're going through. But L's but a bad guy, you know, so keep going at it! Because, if you give up, I'll certainly take him!"
Henry stared in confusion at Xiao, who stared in confusion at the humongous letter on her computer screen. From the little Xiao shared with Henry, he could make out that the Chinese madwoman had a bet with a certain Ryuuzaki (which he assumed to be this L here) to break three children out of jail.
It seemed that she had just lost the bet, since her 'three little pigs' were 'stolen'. But what was this with the two people on the other line? Ryuuzaki and his girlfriend, maybe?
An awkward silence diffused through the room, which was filled up with a continuous rant from the speakers—"He really isobstinate, isn't he? I'm so jealous of you, Xiao. How did you ever manage to get him to steal your heart? Well, he's already stolen mine, but he's also breaking it mercilessly…"
"Alexander, please back away from the microphone."
"L, let me talk to her! Jeez, you just don't understand girls, do you?"
"Um, L…" Xiao attempted to say something, but was cut off with the sound of static and what sounded like struggling from the speakers. A second later the screen blacked out. Xiao turned to Henry, looking as if someone had just slugged her in the face, "Keep shaving your damned potato, or I'll sand off your nipples with my fingernails."
"You should've let me talk to her, L! You cold bastard, you." Alexander huffed, squeezing his hips with two hands as he glared stubbornly at the exhausted man before him, "Your poor ex! I can just imagine what she's going through—"
"I must profess, however, that you certainly do not." L sighed.
This was going to take a while.
"Yes, I do. I totally do. I, like, so, like, totally, like, do. O-kay? Just hand her to me. I'll mend your bond in no time, promise. I'm super good at this stuff, and I'll do it as a favor to you because you're my partner and everything." Alexander beamed, waving a nail-filer dramatically as he propped a leg up on L's laptop.
L didn't even bother correcting that Alexander was a subordinate. He dropped another sugar cube into his coffee, which already had the consistency of sand, and peered up at the blonde. "I will deal with her on my own."
"Look at how you've dealt with her! She didn't say a single thing in your favor, did she? She even told you to stop rubbing stuff in her face, too, so she must be sick and tired of you trampling all over—"
"L!"
"Stop being so noisy, Mello. My cochlea is protesting the high frequency."
"Shut up, Near, I can be as noisy as I want to be!"
"Beep. Beep. Congratulations, you've passed level three!"
L's mind stopped dead in its tracks and turned slowly, as its owner practically fell off his chair at the sight of the trio who had banged open the door before him. "How did the three of you—?"
"Strange, isn't it?" Mello gazed into L's face with the sort of doe-like expression that sent L's insides crawling. Matt nodded, glancing up every now and then at L's empty expression, "Yes, we broke out of jail and it upset him for some reason."
"Oh, m'ai g-a-w-d. The two of you have children, too! How could you have treated the mother of your children that way?"
L ignored Alexander's proclamation and made his way back into his seat.
Everything was completely out of hand. First he was threatened into adopting this idiot as a subordinate. And then this idiot drives his negotiations with Xiao into the gutter (god knows what Xiao had concluded from the previous discussion). And now he had lost the bet with the most merciless hacker on the planet (without being aware that he had lost it), without a chance to even negotiate the loss. And what's more, he didn't even notice the presence of three noise-boxes in the building until they slammed open his door.
God knows what else he had missed.
"Who are you?" Mello narrowed an eye at Alexander. L was about to open his mouth to explain, when Alexander cut L off by cheerfully stuffing a hand in his face, "I'm his new girlfriend! Don't worry, little boys, I'm okay with skirt-flips, but you should beware that sometimes I forget to wear my panties…"
"Oh." Near deadpanned at the brilliant introduction and turned on his heels to find Watari.
"Is it just me, or has L gotten more promiscuous?" Matt mumbled, as he followed behind the albino and Mello (who was busy shooting death glares at Alexander) into the reading room.
"Was that inappropriate?" Alexander turned towards L, a look of concern floating over his face.
L fell flat onto the floor with his cup of coffee and didn't climb up again.
Xiaoxiao trampled up the last case of stairs at two o'clock in the morning, with Henry out of breath behind her. She hadn't meant to come home, but it so happened that L left her no choice. She leaned against the railing and stared murderously at Henry, "You."
"Me?" He looked immediately as if he was about to fall back down the stairs.
"Yes. Who are you?"
"Henry Jonsson."
"What's our relationship?"
"Um—"
"You're my boyfriend, of course."
"Boyfriend?"
"Yes, boyfriend. If you dare to say anything otherwise, I'll rip you another arsehole and take your antidote with my afternoon tea so that you can bleed to death out of every orifice and I'll chuck your bloodless corpse to the meat factory and have you ground into sausages for breakfast. Compris?"
"Uh, yes." Henry shook nervously as Xiao swung around on one foot and knocked on the door with a politeness and reverence which the American did not expect.
"What?" The door swung open to the scowl of the century. Henry indeed did fall off the stairs and rolled to a stop a few steps below. The conversation above continued merrily without him:
"I'm really, truly, deeply sorry for interrupting your beauty sleep."
"Why, ambassador, how do you do?"
Henry witnessed a meek smile from Xiao as he crawled up slowly.
"Well um—"
"Would you like to lodge in this modest place? It might not compare well to jail, or the world's greatest detective L's hotel room. And who the hell is that?" The blonde woman shot an unfriendly glare his direction and immediately Henry was about to drop down the stairs again. That was until Xiao stopped him with one hand (which Henry jumped at), "He's my boyfriend. Leila, meet Henry."
A sadistic grin covered the blonde woman's face, "Oh, is that so? Did something go terribly wrong?"
"No, actually—" Xiao snorted sarcastically, "This is exactly how I planned to end up."