Chapter 6

Dad only calls once a month now, at most. It doesn't matter to me all that much, anyway. The phone calls have become pathetic nowadays.

It's been about a year since the wedding. I haven't seen my dad at all. I've just started high school as well, so things are pretty shitty.

I really hate that fucking cliché "no one understands me" teenage mentality, but sometimes I couldn't help but think it myself. My mom was more concerned with her own happiness than with mine, Roderich was just a bastard, and Feliciano was an airhead. As for my dad? I hoped he had it just as bad as I did.

The guy never showed his face…it's as if he just cut off all ties to the family. Well you know what? Fuck him. I didn't need him in my life! He obviously didn't need me in his life, or he'd actually try to act like a father rather than a coward. And yeah, I'm kind of a coward when it comes to lots of stuff, but at least I've been able to put up with my mom getting remarried, unlike him.

Living with my new "dad" was a big transition for me. Instead of Roderich just frequently visiting, he was home all the time. The only perk about this was the influx of pastries he made. I'd never admit it out loud, but he could bake a pretty amazing cake (and make a lot of noise in the kitchen doing so, I might add). The hardest part, however, of this new change was dealing with…the honeymoon. Mom and Roderich took a week off for themselves and made Feliciano and I stay over at our grandparents' house. A few weeks later, mom tells us she's pregnant.

I didn't know…how I felt about this. I remembered, back when I was really little and Feliciano was born, that I was angry for some reason. I didn't like sharing my stuff, and I especially didn't like sharing my parents. But, now there wasn't really anything to share with the new kid on the way. That poor, pathetic thing didn't need to share Roderich because, in my opinion, the baby could have him. I didn't really know if sharing my mom was going to be a big deal either. I was already ignored as it was, no matter what I did. I hated it when I felt like she didn't listen to me and only fawned over Feliciano and Roderich, so what would a new face to the family really do to worsen our relationship?

Sometimes…sometimes mom would try to talk things out with me. She'd get this look on her face that was filled with a lot of sympathy (but I usually considered it pity) and walk over to me, speaking in a soft voice about why she made these decisions and how she wants me to talk about how I feel and blah blah blah… Each time she tried that, I crossed my arms and turned away. I just…can't deal with that sort of stuff and I don't know why. It freaks me out. I feel like I'm being babied, and yet I'm fourteen years old already. Doesn't anyone respect that I'm growing up? Does anyone even notice?

I was in my bedroom playing videogames (and I was totally kicking ass) when little Feli decided to barge in and climb on top of my bed with me.

"Ve~ Lovino, where's daddy?"

I paused the game to turn and face him. I gave him a confused look on my face. "How the hell should I know, squirt? We haven't exactly seen him in while…"

My little brother just giggled up at me. "Lovi, we see daddy everyday!"

I was even more confused at this point. "Hey dumbass, dad moved out of here years ago."

"Huh?" was his brilliant response as he put a finger to his lips in thought. "I saw him baking a cake yesterday, and the day before that he played the violin, and the day before that-"

"Roderich?" I shouted at him, finally understanding the kid. Feliciano nodded the affirmative. I stared at my brother for a few seconds, eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar. My brother…he thought Roderich was his dad?

"Feliciano, Roderich isn't 'daddy', ok? Roderich is your stepdad," I said sternly, hoping to drive this point into his little skull. He just looked up at me with a blank expression.

"But…why isn't Roderich daddy?" he asked. Damn him for using that freaking innocent voice! Didn't he have any clue as to what happened these past few years? I mean, I knew the kid was only around 2-3 when the divorce happened, but c'mon! He had to know what happened before Roderich came into his life!

"Roderich's not daddy because…because he's just not, ok!" was my clever reply. "Your real daddy works at the fire station, remember? Remember?" I asked him, leaning down and trying to get him to recall anything that had happened. I was nearly interrogating the poor kid if the tears threatening to fall were anything to go by. He sniffed and shook his head.

I stared at him with an incredulous look on my face. He honestly…didn't remember his real dad? Our dad? For the first time in my life, I think I was actually dumbfounded. It was so hard just to comprehend that Feliciano didn't know who dad was…and it just made me realize how long dad hadn't been a part of our lives. He missed out on Feliciano's life completely.

I sighed, turning back to my videogame. Videogames couldn't get my dad back and they couldn't get Roderich to die, but at least they could distract me.

"Ve~ Lovino, you didn't answer my question…"

"I don't know where Roderich is, ok?" I yelled, eyes focused on the screen before me.

I didn't even have to turn around to know that Feliciano probably crying at this point. "B-but daddy said he would take me to Ludwig's today!"

I paused my videogame again. "Who the hell is Ludwig?"

Feliciano's tears dried up in an instant and his pout was replaced by a smile. "Ludwig is my best friend!" he joyfully exclaimed.

"Best friend…?" Since when did Feliciano have a best friend?

"Yes! Ludwig is very smart. He helps me with adding and he makes sure I remember not to put pasta on my head during lunch and he helps stop the bullies from beating me up and he-"

"Bullies?" I exclaimed. Why didn't I know about this either? Was Feliciano keeping secrets from me or something? I was his older brother, damn it!

Feliciano continued to smile and talk about his oh-so-wonderful friend before I interrupted again. "Feli, when did you start getting bullied?" I asked.

"Um…my first day of school?" His face was a blank slate at the moment.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked immediately.

"I don't usually talk to big brother," was all he said.

I hated having realizations, but I recognized the one I was having right now. Feliciano and I…we were like strangers even though we were related by blood. Feliciano didn't really have anyone at home besides mom and Roderich…he didn't know his real dad, and it was fairly obvious he didn't know his real brother while I didn't know a single thing about him. I had hated him from the beginning for being stupid, and yet I was still overprotective. But what's the point of being overprotective when there's nothing to protect him from, and apparently when he is facing danger, I'm not there for him?

I almost wanted to tell him that I'd handle the bullies, but schoolyard fights weren't really my thing. And, it seemed as though Feliciano was happy to have Ludwig protect him. This thought only made me angry. Someone else was closer to Feliciano than I was. Much closer. I hadn't even realized Feli called Roderich 'daddy' until today!

Throwing the controller onto the bed, I walked out of the room and plopped myself down the couch. I didn't want to deal with Feliciano right now and I didn't want to admit that I had been a pretty shitty older brother over the years.

…Maybe I would've been a better brother if someone had been a better father.

I hit myself in the head for thinking that. I really hated thinking sometimes. It didn't lead to anything. It was better to just react to situations than dwell too much on them, even though that's what I had been doing lately.

Staring into my hands, I wondered about the new baby that would be here, how I had been the worst role model of an older brother, and how Feliciano would treat the child once it was born…

RIIIING

It barely registered with me that the phone had rung. I had to literally push myself off the bed to even make it in time before the answering machine picked up the message. I knew it was my dad. It had to be since anyone barely called us. But like I said before, I no longer looked forward to these phone calls like I used to. They were short and done only because it was the proper thing to do. Dad probably felt less pathetic at night knowing he called, however rare it was.

"Hello?"

"Hey, kiddo, how was school today?"

His voice just wasn't the same. It was pure formality, even with that old nickname he used to have for me. There was no feeling behind the words. They were completely empty.

"Fine," I stated bluntly. "Today's Saturday, by the way. No school."

"Huh? Oh, sorry, didn't realize what day it was…" My dad's speech sounded slightly slurred. I narrowed my eyes as I began to speak again.

"Dad…are you drunk?" I asked disbelieving.

"I am not drunk!" he exclaimed, his words melding together.

"You're fucking drunk off your ass, aren't you?" Who the hell did he think he was calling me when he was busy drinking? Of all the shit he's put me through, you think he'd at least have the common courtesy to be sober when he called!

The line on the other end was silent. My face contorted into anger. "Call me when you actually have something to say to me, jackass!" I shouted and slammed the phone down. I was practically seething at what had just happened, but I guess I wasn't the only one who knew what had just happened.

"Lovino?"

I quickly turned around and found Roderich, of all people, standing a few feet behind me. His eyes were wide with shock and he just kept staring at me. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, so I just stared right back. I was always so careful to keep these conversations with my dad quiet, but it had been so long since we've talked and the phone calls didn't mean much to me anymore anyway!

I was the first to speak. "What? What are you looking at, huh?" I used the anger that was already festering in my chest to lash out at Roderich.

"…Lovino, I'd like to talk to you. In private, if you please," he said. I just stood there staring at his retreating back. He was going into my bedroom. Tentatively, I followed him inside, unsure what he wanted to talk about. As a matter of fact, I don't remember ever having actually spoken to the guy, other than when I yelled at him…

Sitting down on the bed next to Roderich, I tried my best not to look the disgusting guy in the face.

"Lovino, why don't you ever speak to me about your problems?" I blinked rapidly at the question. What did he just say?

Cautiously looking him in the eye, I responded, "Why is it any of your fucking business?"

It was Roderich's turned to look surprised. "I just want to see if I can help." I almost laughed at this.

"Help? How can you help me if you're the problem?" I asked, looking at him directly in the face. I was feeling a lot braver than usual, but it felt good to finally voice how I felt.

"Why do you hate me so much, Lovino?" Roderich asked, and I could almost swear the guy looked…hurt. But bastards like him weren't supposed to have actual feelings!

"Why? You're seriously asking me that?" I shouted, anger bubbling up rapidly. "You came into my life when I didn't want you there, stole my mom away and now you're trying to act like you're my dad!" I stood up and looked down at him on my bed.

"Lovino, I am your dad now-"

"You will never be my father!" I shouted, furious at what he just said. "I have a dad, and it's not you!"

Roderich sighed. "Then at least acknowledge me as your stepfather."

"No!" There was no way in hell I'd acknowledge this guy as anything but the bastard who'd helped ruin a perfectly nice family!

"I consider you my son, Lovino," he spoke softly. I swallowed thickly.

"I am not your son, Roderich. I'll never be your son," I stated, hoping he got the picture.

"It doesn't matter, Lovino-"

"Yes it does! That kid growing in mom's stomach is your son and you've already convinced Feliciano that he's your son, but there's no way in hell I'd ever let you say I'm your son!"

"Why not?" Roderich asked quietly.

"Because you don't giving a flying fuck about me!" I screamed. He was so infuriating. "All you care about is banging my mom! You don't care about me or Feliciano or my dad! You're just some homewrecker that makes my life miserable!"

Roderich stayed silent for a moment. "…Is that what you really think of me?"

Now it was my turn to stay silent. At the moment, I didn't know what to think. Here was this guy acting all high and mighty and like he actually cared about what I thought. Why did he care? He had my mom, didn't he? Why did my feelings suddenly matter to him?

"Lovino…" he began, "I know that losing your father and gaining a stepfather is not an easy thing to go through." I scoffed. "But I just want you to know that, if your real father isn't there for you…that I'll be right here."

Roderich looked at me, trying to read my expression as I read his. I couldn't believe…I couldn't believe what he had just said to me. I gave a sarcastic chuckle and crossed my arms, shaking my head because this situation was just so ridiculous I couldn't believe it. Why the hell was he acting so nice? Why did he keep putting up with me and this family? Why did he have to make it so damn convincing that he actually cared?

"Why can't you be mean like I want you to?" I shouted at him. "Why do you have to act so nice?"

Roderich's eyes grew wide. "Excuse me?"

"How the hell am I supposed to blame this shitty life on you if you're never actually the wicked stepfather I want you to be?" Wheels were turning in my head, and I suddenly realized that the only reason I hated Roderich so much was because I needed to hate him. I needed someone to hate or else I had no one else to hate except my real dad…my real dad and myself. I didn't want to carry any of the blame for how I ended up in life. I wanted to dump it all onto one person, but it was just so difficult when the person would passively stand by and let you act viciously towards him!

There was a tense silence after my outburst. Roderich stood up silently, and now he was looking down at me.

"Lovino…I want you to know that I love your mother, Feliciano, and you."

"You fucking liar-"

"I held you in my arms when you were just born…I've known you you're entire life, whether you realize that or not…" I was breathing pretty heavily right now. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "I care about you Lovino, and I see you hurting yourself. If you need me, I'll be here." And with that, he walked away.

A/N: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed :) Critiques are loved~