A/N: Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews, favorites, alerts, etc.! I'm really happy you're all enjoying this story. Everything in this fic has been culminating up to this point, so I really hope this chapter turned out well. Without further ado, enjoy!

Chapter 7

I felt like an outsider in my own family.

Mom was happy. Roderich was happy. Feliciano was happy. But I was unhappy.

I was unhappy with everything and everyone. I couldn't believe that everyone pretended that everything was normal now, that everything was ok when it clearly wasn't. I noticed how mom would sit at the kitchen table and sigh. I noticed how Roderich would always pinch the bridge between his eyes whenever he had a nasty headache. I noticed the way Feliciano would constantly beg to go to Ludwig's house rather than stay at home.

And yet, they all acted as if they were really happy. After observing them for so long, I could see right through their little façade, their little game. I was the only one who acknowledged that I was unhappy, that I was downright miserable.

Playing pretend was my least favorite game. My parents used to do it when they worried about finances and look where that got them. They pretended everything was fine during the day, but at night they revealed what was really going on in their minds. Why couldn't everyone just admit and accept what was going on in their lives? Why did they have to pretend? And why should others put up with their bullshit?

At least when dad was around, they used to be a happy family. All of them. Dad would break out the barbeque and mom would bake her signature brownies, and all Roderich would do is visit, not stick around like he does now. I would get to play catch, get to brag to friends about my awesome and heroic dad, get to grumble and act as angry as I wanted and still receive affection in the process…

My dad had really loved me, a long time ago. And I knew that I had really loved him. Maybe…maybe I still loved him. But as of now, that love was buried deep in my heart behind all the layers of hate and disappointment I had in him.

He was gone now, though. He was gone beyond my reach and I just had to accept that fact. I'd just have to learn how to actually be happy in this messed up family of mine, no matter how hard it would be.

However, I had no method to go about doing so.

What, exactly, would make me happy? What would make me feel better? The phone calls hadn't worked. Talking to Roderich would make me feel the exact opposite of happy. What did I need?

Did I need to learn more about Feliciano? Yes, I did. I would need to work on that…

Did I need to actually let my mom in? Yes, I did. I would need to work on that as well…

Did I need dad to come back home?

Yes.

Yes I did.

If dad was home…if dad was home, even if I just go to see his face…things would look up.

Nothing about my life was complete without my fun-loving dad in the picture. Roderich couldn't replace him, no one could. I knew that I never told anyone how much I actually cared about dad before. I knew that I even had trouble accepting how much I cared for him. But the fact of the matter was that I needed him. I needed him so badly, just to hug me and give me the attention I craved and love me for who I was and never be disappointed in me and always accept my faults no matter what they were!

Where was this dad of mine? Where did he go?

He just disappeared, straight out of my life! He willingly gave up his son. And for what? Because of heartbreak? Because of drinking?

At that moment, I was just so angry with him, like I had never been before. I was conflicted, missing him and hating him and loving him all at the same time that I pulled at my hair and tossed and turned in bed.

Where the fuck was the father that tucked me in at night, that gave me a goodnight kiss and always made sure he told me he loved me every single day? Had my father been a bastard all this time? Had he really not cared for me all these years?

Of course not! He had to care, he had to! There was no way he stopped loving me, no way he stopped loving my mom Elizaveta, no way he stopped loving little Feliciano!

The drinking took him away for good. Drinking makes you forget, and he forgot about us.

I had to do something about this.

Roderich was the one to drive me to the station. He did offer to be there for me, and at that moment I needed a ride.

When I walked out of the car and into the fire department, I didn't know what to expect. Would my dad be there? Was this even his shift? Putting on a brave face (my signature scowl), I stormed into the station and walked up to the first man I saw.

"Where's Gilbert Vargas?" I asked, or more like demanded. The man looked at me with surprise.

"Gil? He hasn't worked at the station in months…"

My eyes grew wide. "What?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah. The guy wouldn't stop drinking and it interfered with his performance. We're short on members, but we couldn't afford a slip up when dealing with such a dangerous job."

I took a minute to absorb the information. My dad had been fired. He had been fired for being a fucking alcoholic! "My dad…where is he right now?" I asked hurriedly. I had to find him.

The guy looked surprised again. "You're Gil's kid? Damn, look at how old you are!"

I scoffed impatiently. "Yeah, whatever, can you just tell me where he is?"

"Now wait just a moment. Your dad's been asking me to give him something for a while. Can I trust you to give it to him if I give you his address?" I nodded my head quickly. I really didn't care what I had to deliver, just as long as I got to see my dad.

The man disappeared into the back of the station for a moment before emerging with a piece of paper in his hands. He offered it to me. The realization of what it was struck me in an instant.

"Your dad loved that picture. It got him through a rough time…he kept bragging about you. Lovino, right? Yeah, he was so proud of you, he would talk about you all the damn time…made my ears hurt, to be honest…"

The man kept talking, but I had long since tuned him out. I just kept staring at the picture I had drawn all those years ago, a picture of a happy family staring back at me. We were all smiling. We were…normal. We were happy. I felt my eyes begin to sting. I wanted to crumple the paper in my hand. My drawing was butt-ugly anyway…but still. I had promised to deliver this back to my dad and…I didn't think I'd be able to crumple this up regardless.

I got the address and ran back to the car where Roderich was waiting for me. We followed the directions the man had written for us on a piece of paper and before I knew it, we were in front of this old apartment building that looked barely habitable.

"Rod, are you sure this is the place?" I asked, hesitance written all over my features as I stared at the building. Roderich quirked an eyebrow at the nickname, but otherwise didn't allude to it.

"Well, the address on the door of the building is the same as the paper…" I glanced at him before climbing out of the car, gripping the drawing in my hand with a lot of force. I didn't think I'd actually be so nervous. It was just my dad, after all…but I hadn't seen him in years. What if everything I had wanted to tell him after all this time just…didn't come out?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I had to do this. With a heavy breath, I bravely walked up to the building and pushed open the door.

I knocked on his door with more force than necessary. My hand was shaking beyond my control, but I couldn't help it. I heard the sound of locks being undone and a voice that sounded groggy, as if someone had just woken up. When the last lock was undone, the door swung open…

And there he was.

Dad rubbed his eyes, saying, "What do you want?" I said nothing in response. After he was done, he removed his hands from his face and did a double take.

His eyes practically bulged from their sockets. "L-Lovino?" he asked, probably unsure that I was actually here.

I glared at him. I was up to his neck now…I had really grown since the last time I saw him. "Dad…" I said in a stern voice. I prayed that he didn't hear that slight waver.

My dad just kept staring at me as if he didn't believe I was in front of his door, looking him in the eye after all this time… "I…I haven't seen you in a while," he said, sounding completely stupid since he was probably at a loss for words.

I was going to make sure that I knew exactly what to say. "I haven't seen you in awhile either," I replied bitterly.

The tension in the air was awkward at the very least. After a few more moments of silence, my dad moved over and opened the door a bit more. "Uh, come in…?"

I barged my way through and into the apartment. It reeked of alcohol and there were bottles everywhere. The place was hardly furnished. There was a couch and a fabric chair in the living room with a crappy TV in front of both.

My dad turned to me after closing the door behind him. "You, uh, want a drink or something?" I stayed silent. "Oh, you can sit here!" he said, pushing away the garbage that had piled on top of a chair. I sat down, the drawing still held tightly in my hand and threatening to rip with the force of my grip.

Dad sat down on the couch and just stared at me. I had so much to say, but now that I was here, I didn't know where to start! All I felt was this perpetual anger coursing through me, but where could I even begin when I was feeling this way?

My dad was the one to try and break the ice. "So…what are you doing here?" he asked uncertainly.

I almost wanted to smirk. I almost wanted to laugh in his face while choking him with my own two hands. "What am I doing here?" I repeated in a sarcastic tone. "To ask you this: where the hell have you been?" I shouted at him, turning to look him in the eye. I hoped my expression showed just how furious I was.

Dad looked shocked at my sudden outburst. "What? What are you talking about?"

I couldn't believe this guy! "Don't give me that bullshit, dad! Where have you been for all these years?" It was a question he wasn't meant to answer, but it was also a question that had been eating me up from the inside for years.

He was quick to respond. "I've been here, working at the station-"

"Like hell you are, I heard your ass got fired!" I screamed after his failed attempt at lying to my face.

At his, my dad's expression turned serious. "Who told you that?" he asked in a demanding voice.

I wasn't going to let that intimidate me. "One of the guys down at the station."

My dad gave a small "hmph" in response. "I see… Alright, yeah, so what? I'm looking for work…" he said indifferently. This just made me all the more angry.

"Looking for work? My God, are you that pathetic? Look at this place!" I shouted, gesturing to the whole crappy apartment. "It's trashed with beer bottles!"

I could see my dad getting angry like I was. "So what?"

"So what?" How could he even ask me that? "You're a fucking alcoholic who has no job and has two abandoned kids at home!" I screamed while standing up and looking him in the eye. It had felt so good to utter that last statement.

"I didn't abandon you!" He was fucking joking, right?

I gave a sarcastic chuckle. "Didn't abandon me? Didn't abandon me? You've got to be shitting me! I haven't seen your fucking face in years, so don't give me that crap!"

"Is that why you came here? To yell at me?" my dad shouted back, now standing up along with me. "Yeah, I know I'm a pathetic father, alright! I know I screwed up! I don't need you spewing it in my face, Lovino!"

"No, what you need is a drink to make all your fucking troubles go away like magic!" I said, twiddling my fingers when I said "magic". He was living in the delusional and fake world of alcohol. "Just look what drinking's done to you! You never used to be like this!" I now gestured to him. He was wearing a bathrobe and pajamas underneath. All items of clothing were extremely ratty. He also looked like he hadn't shaved in a while. His hair was all askew.

He glared back at me. "Don't you think I realize that? I'm not going to stop just because you tell me to, you know! Stopping drinking won't change a fucking thing in my life!"

I scoffed at that. "Maybe it'll make you sober enough to realize how pathetic you are!"

"That's it!" he shouted. I had pushed him really far with that last remark. "Get the fuck out of here, I'm tired of listening to you!" With that statement, I was eerily reminded of that fight between my parents all those years ago.

I had to stand my ground, though. "I'm not leaving because I'm not done!"

My dad rolled his eyes and turned away. "Going to guilt trip me some more?" I heard the anger in his voice, but I also heard something I thought I'd never hear from my dad… He sounded…vulnerable.

He was so pathetic. "Why…why do you still drink?" I asked him, incredulous that he would stick to a habit that had brought about his shitty life.

He sighed, his back still turned to me. "…I like to forget things," was all he said.

I shook my head. I knew what he was talking about. "Dad, the girl in the fire was a onetime thing, you have to let it go-"

But before I could finish, my dad whipped his head around and looked at me in fear. "Who…who told you about that?" he asked, his voice wavering, but demanding.

I let out a sharp breath. "You think you managed to keep everything a secret, didn't you?" I stared him in the eye when I said this. I wanted him to know that I knew that little game he used to play with mom, where everything was all smiles in the morning because obviously nothing happened at night… "You thought you were so clever, whispering with mom about everything when I went to bed…I bet you didn't know I listened to you guys every single night."

The look on my dad's face could only be described as dumbstruck. He looked like he wanted to say something, but I wouldn't let him.

"Dad…dad I'm sorry for what happened that day," I said earnestly. "I'm sorry that you went through that, but just like that little girl needed a fireman to save her," I said, my voice beginning to waver, "I need a father."

My dad just stared at me, as if he couldn't comprehend what I was saying. Suddenly, his expression turned hateful. "…You have Roderich, don't you?" he asked sarcastically.

This entire conversation was exasperating. "Roderich isn't my dad! You are!"

"Why do you want me as your father, anyway?" my dad asked angrily, turning towards me and shrugging his shoulders. "Aren't you much better off without me in your life?"

No. That wasn't true.

"I'm miserable without you!" I screamed, my chest heaving. Why didn't he realize this?

My dad looked shocked once again. "What…what do you mean?" The way he asked the question…it's as if he didn't understand what I was saying, and yet…there was a faint trace of hope in his voice. It was a bizarre mix.

I felt tears begin to prickle in the corners of my eyes. "My life has been a living hell without you home!" I shouted at him, a tear streaming down my face. "I've been an outcast in my own family for so long…all because you weren't there. You stopped calling, you stopped caring when I needed you the most, dad!" I felt my voice crack as I continued to yell at him. The sobs were really threatening to break loose.

My dad looked off to the side. "…You don't need me."

"Yes I do," I said, so frustrated that he didn't seem to understand. "You used to play catch with me all the time. You used to tell me stories and tell me that you loved me…"

He stayed quiet.

"Where did that dad go? Where is he? Huh? Where?" My chest was shaking and I felt more tears stream down my face.

He continued to look away.

"Please dad…" I said in a small voice, too small for a person like me to have. But…but it was just so hard to actually say this. "Please come back home. I need you…I'm not happy, I haven't been happy in years…life is a living hell for me." I wanted him to look at me, damn it, I wanted him to see how miserable I was! "I'm not close to anyone. Did you know that Feliciano doesn't even remember you anymore? He thinks Roderich is his real dad…and mom? I can see that she misses you! The only form of contact she has is the check you send her every month for child support! She's even having another baby…" Didn't he care about all of us? At least once upon a time?

My dad finally decided to speak. Resignedly, he began, "Aren't you all just better off without me? Why can't you just accept your new family for what it is?"

"Because our family isn't complete without you!" I shouted, throwing the nearly crumpled drawing at him with all the force I could muster. "That's our family, dad…"

He picked up the paper, which had fallen to the ground, and smoothed out its surface. His eyes widened at the sight. I saw his own eyes begin to get glassy as he stared. "T-this was…this was a long time ago…"

I sighed. "Dad, please… I need you in my life." I looked into his eyes, searching for something, anything that would give me answers. "Don't you love me anymore?"

My dad looked back at me. "…Of course I love you…" he said. "I love all of you…it's you who doesn't love me."

It was my turn to be shocked. He actually…he actually thought that I, that we didn't…?

"Dad…" I began slowly. "Dad, I…I love you." The way I said this made it seem like this was the most obvious thing in the world. It was the most obvious thing in the world. "You're my dad. And I know I'm a fucking screw up when it comes to saying what I feel, but this is the truth. I love you, dad…"

He kept silent again. I kept going.

"…Don't you remember what you said to me one day?" I asked, recalling a conversation I had with him that meant the world. "When I was lonely because everyone was so busy with Feliciano that I felt downright invisible? You came up to me that day, and you told me that mom was really sad…you said she missed me. But why would she miss me when she had Feliciano, right?" My voice was getting smaller and smaller, wavering, but I knew that he understood what I was saying. "…You said nothing made mom happier than when the whole family was together… Well dad, nothing makes me happier than when the whole family is together, and right now…you're not here. And I miss you and I need you, dad…I need you to come back home…"

I had just poured my heart out, left it bare and naked before my dad. Yet, he said nothing…there was nothing more I could do.

"Bye dad…" I said, and walked out the door.