How 2 B a ttly Awsum Fanfikshun Riter
By
The One Called Demetra, in her prevailing eternal wisdom
Part Three: How To Live Vicariously Through Fictional Characters
Alright, so you've become the ultimate fanficcer, threw together some words and created your masterpieces. Now comes the fun part. No, not sitting back and watching as people worship at your feet—that's later. What I am referring to is the reason you joined this site in the first place, besides having your ego inflated to hazardous sizes—romance!
It's important to remember that romance is TEH BEST THING EVAR ZOMG!!11!111! I mean, how could it not be? Love is the greatest thing ever. Ergo, writing about love will make your writing the greatest thing ever. Simple logic. Here are a few things to remember about romance.
First off, loyalty. You must stick to your OTP, one true pairing. It is your life. LIFE I SAY. Draw your OTP. Write your OTP. Go on forums and write up manifestos as to why your OTP is the best/canon. Yes, that includes far-fetched pairings, including slash, cross-species, characters who have never met, etc. etc. It IS the best, dammit, and you know it—why not go on the internet and shout about the truth of this?
Troubleshooting:
Problem: Somebody ships one member of my OTP with somebody else!
Solution: Explain to them that they are misguided fools and that the true way to enlightenment is your OTP. Also that they fuck goats.
Problem: Somebody ships one member of my OTP with somebody I don't like!
Solution: Inform them that the character who they dare ship your favorite with is a whore and does not deserve your darling. She's a Mary Sue, too, just an awful character overall and totally unlikable as a person. God, how can anyone like this bitch? Clearly they have no taste and their opinions are therefore invalid.
Problem: Somebody dislikes my OTP!
Solution: Creatively insult them until your ego is restored to its former glory. Blasphemy will not be tolerated.
Problem: Strange green fluid is issuing from my ear!
Solution: Firstly, that is disgusting, secondly, that is irrelevant. What the hell are you doing here, anyway?
Once you've picked an OTP, you should know some basic guidelines about how to write it.
1. Canon. Go with fluff here. It's canon, what the hell do you need development for? The writers for the actual work have already gotten them to relationship status, and now that our lovebirds have found each other, they are utterly complete as people. They are the most they will ever be—they will of course never leave their love for another, or change in any way whatsoever, especially not in regards to their One True Love. I mean, love conquers all, right? And anyway, if things changed, things might not be as perfect as they are now. We can't have that. The characters must remain in deliriously happy stasis. Or else.
But yes, fluff. Picture them cuddling, dating, doing generic cutesy things. Phrases like "she gazed lovingly into his cobalt eyes" and "he breathed in the strawberry scent of her long blonde tresses" and "they continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of their forever" are recommended.
For the ambitious risk-taker, there is another approach. This is primarily used for canon couples that aren't quite canon yet. It involves putting easily surmountable obstacles between your couple for them to overcome. After all, conflict is vital. Things like arranged marriages, misunderstandings, convenient eavesdroppers, stuff that ZOMG PREVENTS TRUE LOVE. In the original work, you, of course, know that they'll get together in the end due to your keen perceptive skills and wise forethought, but all those other idiots might not! You must prove to them without a shadow of a doubt that LOVE WILL PREVAIL. Dicking around with false suspense and forgone conclusions is the way to achieve this.
2. Attractive Male Character/Female. Or male, but we'll get to that later. Look, this character is hot, right? And they have some other good qualities too, right? But, say, they don't have a canon love interest. Or even worse, they're paired with somebody you DON'T LIKE. That whore, she's not nearly good enough for your favorite character. This must be fixed. Kill her! Burn the witch! Or alternately, make her a villain! Make her clingy and possessive! Mutilate her until nothing but a caricature with no semblance to the original is left! No one will sympathize with her now, ha ha, no one at all. Now when you introduce a female character you DO like to him, readers won't protest when they fall into each other's arms, blissfully happy. If the female character already has a love interest, do the same to her boyfriend as you did to the attractive male character's girlfriend. Or pair him off with the non-threatening nice best friend—after all, he's a guy. He doesn't deserve to be just written off like that disgusting whore your favorite character was with until you took care of her.
Alternately, you can create an original character, which will be talked about next chapter.
3. Hero/Villain. You know how they say the line between love and hate is thin, yes? Well, DAMN right. All those times they're trying to kill each other and are trading insults? Repressed attraction. Belligerent sexual tension. Subtext. Pick one and run with it. This also gives you an opportunity to get creative and original with contrast imagery. Y'know, white/black, love/hate…um…up/down. It'll be all, like, postmodern and stuff, man.
4. Male/Male. Guy on guy is hot. And how do you prove this? SUBTEXT SUBTEXT SUBTEXT.
.
SUBTEXT.
SUBTEXT.
SUBTEXT.
It's TRUE. I mean, look at that one scene where Chuck passes Barry the mashed potatoes at the dinner party. What? You don't see anything? Look again. SEE?! For exactly one-fourths of a second, their eyes met. What do you mean, SO? Clearly their eyes were burning with forbidden desire in that scene. And how about that time Barry passes chuck that object that is longer than it is wide? Obvious phallic imagery, symbolizing their secret homosexual relationship. When writing this, same rules as canon. I mean, the entire relationship is practically spelled out in the #BRQ!#$%!, so you can just promote that SUBTREARARQWREQWTEXT to an open relationship in your fanfic and go from there.
And anyway, it's hot.
5. Character X/Character Y. Just friends? Haven't met? Hate each other? Different species? Crazed psychopaths? Uninterested? Asexual? One or both inanimate objects? None of that matters. Because true love prevails and the end, and NOTHING—and I do mean nothing—can limit that truest, purest form of ultimate emotion, and definitely not things like good taste and biology.
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SUBTEXT SUBTEXT SUBTESADBARFEWUOBTEXT SUB! TEXT! EHEHEHE! Subtextsubtextsubte—
Please stand by. Do not adjust your set. We apologize for momentary technical difficulties. Medication has now been administered.
Ahem. Right.
Another aspect of romance writing that was mustn't forget are sex scenes. Sex scenes garner readers, you want readers, ergo you write sex scenes.
Here is a simple test to determine whether or not you should write a sex scene.
1. Have you had sex?
A. Yes
B. No
C. No, but I totally know how it works, I've watched the hentai and everything
2. Can you write?
A. Yes
B. No
C. OF COURSE! I'm like, a writing genius!
3. Would the scene be appropriate in the text?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Pfft, any time is a good time, duh.
If you answered mostly A's, then congratulations! You are qualified to write a sex scene! If you answered mostly B's, then congratulations! You are qualified to write a sex scene! If you answered mostly C's, then congratulations! You are qualified to write a sex scene!
If you happen to be a twelve-year-old virgin who hasn't picked up a pen before today, don't worry, it's really easy. The actual sexing bit is obvious. I mean, the guy's thingy goes into the girl's you-know-what and then something happens and then one of them smokes a cigarette while making some kind of remark, right? That's simple enough. Just describe those things however you like and the reviews will pour in like…um…things that pour.
And finally, remember that romance is really the only thing out there. There's no real reason besides it to dabble in fanfic. Gen fic is pointless, plotted stuff is too long, character studies and stupid high-brow stuff like that is so boring, and why bother writing about two characters interacting when it's not romantic? Love is the pinnacle of human emotion, so it's doing it half-way to have a relationship of any different kind in your fanfic.
Besides, you already have friends, siblings and parents. Your love life, on the other hand, is as barren as you skull—I MEAN, the Sahara desert. That doesn't have to be the case with your real friends, the fictional characters. You're not living vicariously, really—you're just showing how wonderful love is!
Keep that in mind and keep on writing, you free spirit you.
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It seems that I'm incapable of writing anything intended to be remotely amusing without taking a jab at Twilight. I think there's something wrong with me.