How 2 B a ttly awsum fanfikshun riter
by
The One Called Demetra, who has lots and lots of reviews, which makes her opinion worth more than yours.
Part Four: How To Flaunt Your Ego Through an Original Female Character (Section Two: Implementation)
Okay, so! You have your wonderful original character! As she steps from the growing-pod that is your brilliant mind, dripping with the slimy muck of creativity, you can only marvel at her glory. Do her unique and telling eyes not shine with her innate speshulness? Does her skin not glow with the full moon's light? Is her hair not smooth and silky? Is she not the most remarkable character to ever emerge from a brain's exhaust pipe? Of course she is! Now all that is left is to loose this flawless creature into the fandom of your choice.
For actually getting her into the story, there are two basic choices. First, you can have her dramatically arrive from worlds beyond into the story. A totally hip American witch transfers to Hogwarts; a Perfectly Normal Teenage Girl gets sent to Middle Earth; a hidden and extremely powerful daughter of Zeus emerges; that kind of thing. This if a fun option, because, well, look at her! She's so SPESHUL! Doesn't she deserve a dramatic entry, with the whole entire world totally absorbed in the arrival of their goddess? It should be flashy! Take the world by surprise! She deserves it, after all.
The second approach is far more boring, in that it involves her being insinuated into the universe and things shifted around to accommodate her. The more involved the better. Since she's technically a newcomer, and already distinctive in how much better than all the other characters she is, you want the reader to accept her presence more easily, just in case a few of them are blind enough to not appreciate her awesomeness. A standard example is a girl who's Harry Potter's twin sister, Sirius's cousin, Dumbledore's daughter, Draco's aunt, Snape's daughter, Cedric's ex-girlfriend, Ron's, Dean's, Seamus's, Blaise's, Neville's, and Fred's crush/childhood friend/lust object, and Voldemort's daughter. And not just in relationships with the characters, mind. She should also be entrenched in whatever canonical events that happen. So go ahead and make her the eighth horcrux, the subject of another, more important prophecy, and the fifth contestant in the Triwizard Tournament. Does it make sense? Who cares!
Now that she's there, we have to determine how she'll interact with the other characters. This is usually pretty easy. Think about how you view the characters. That one guy, he's hot, right? So of course she's his love interest. If there's lots of hot guys, all of them can be in love with her, and the plot is her having to choose between them (if all of them are too hot to choose between, remember—polygamy is a-okay!) And that one guy's love interest, she's such a bitch, right? I mean oh my god, I hate her so much, she's so useless and annoying and UGGHHH, he sooooo does not deserve That Bitch, he should be with someone way better, and therefore, your infinitely superior character should be hated by her (after all, when you went on those forums to talk about how much you hated That Bitch, you were asked if you could do better. Well you sure showed them!). If your character is the nice type, well, she can just be confused and sad about why this mean, nasty person is so awful to her. If she's the feisty red-headed type, then of course they should constantly be getting into arguments, with your character uniformly winning them with her glorious wit. Just remember, when it comes to That Bitch and your character, your character wins, and when she doesn't, she only looks like an unfairly attacked victim whom That Bitch is being nasty to out of jealousy. The jealousy is important.
Naturally, all the characters you like should be on good terms with her. They especially should abandon their old friends and ideals so as to remain in her favor. And the characters you don't like, in addition to That Bitch, well, duh—you don't like them, why should she? Just remember, she has to win in the end, or else she might not be perfect anymore, so anybody who doesn't like or respect her has to end up dead, humiliated, or liking her.
Possibly, there's another character involved, one that's either a villain or close to the Love Interest, one who you don't like very much (the Boromir to an Aragorn, for instance. He's a villain, right?) What to do with him? As to many answers in the world of fiction, it's quite simple: rape. Rape is dramatic, a gutsy thing for an author to do, it'll make your character the victim, and effectively remove the rapist from any roles of importance, since clearly he'll soon be killed by either her or the Love Interest. If you're thinking that to use rape in a story in such a flippant way might be offensive to some, then clearly the only way to proceed is to have your character brush the incident off, because a) she's SUCH a strong character b) she's had worse in her tragic past or c) she's Just That Speshul.
Naturally, she's a great fighter, and a Strong Independent Woman—after all, you're the intelligent, forward-thinking type, and Strong Independent Women are the only remotely acceptable female characters. In fact, all characters who aren't Strong and Independent must be condemned (you're just that forward-thinking) – why? Because they are Mary Sues. Mary Sue is a term for a character you don't like, and any character, no matter how realistic the work in question is supposed to be, that isn't Strong and Independent should be called out on their humanity by your far superior character. Anyway, yes, because she's just so Strong and Independent, she should be outdoing everybody and gaining the respect of the most jaded, experienced types in the group.
Until it comes time to be kidnapped, that is! Kidnapping is lots of fun, and lets the Love Interest shine as he rescues her constantly. It's also a good opportunity to have That Bitch look bad by being against rescuing your character – if she's the Love Interest's current girlfriend, this is a golden opportunity to have him dump that whore and realize his love for your character.
As for an ending, there are, again, basically two choices. One is a happily ever after in which she marries the Love Interest, That Bitch is dead, and there are wonderful, perfect babies that never cry or poop. The other is to have her die heroically and save the day, perhaps in the face of That Bitch's jealous meddling. This is okay, since you can always bring her back later (maybe because when she went to heaven, God decided it was not yet her time and sent her back. God returns dead people to life because it was not yet their time constantly, so this is perfectly realistic) and THEN give her the happily ever after she has deserved. Dying will underline how awesome she is, so it's recommended she dies at least once.
Just remember to follow these narrow, specific rules, be creative, never dissent from my wise wisdom, let your fickle opinions wildly color every aspect of your writing, and you'll be on your way to having bazillions of glowing reviews!
I'm dissatisfied with this chapter. I mean, Mary Sue bashing? That's like the lowest of the low in terms of parodies. Plus I'm kind of rushing to get this out already because today has been my Get Shit Done day and there's only half an hour of today left. Please inform me of any additional suck you may notice here. But oh well, some people might still find Mary Sue bashing to still be the height of hilarity.
On a serious note, I really do hate how in demand Strong Independent Characters are. Because all people are Strong and Independent and Admirable and fiction should reflect this universal truth, amirite? I mean geez, fictional characters shouldn't have to be role models, they should be people—and some people are strong and independent, and others aren't. Is variety just too much to ask for? Seeing as I haven't found anybody who agrees with me yet, I'm expecting a hellstorm of complaining. Have fun!
Thanks for the fuckton of reviews, guys. There's maybe one chapter of this left to squeeze out, and then I'll be done.