The drive back had passed uneventfully. Rory slept in the back seat and Liz looked nervously out the window for most of the drive. She hadn't slept at all after Luke's phone call, just pacing back and forth in her small room, packing and unpacking her bag, thinking about her little boy. She missed him so much, he had always been her rock, but she had at least felt good knowing he was away from her, where she couldn't hurt him, where he could have a chance to just be a kid without worrying about his loser mom. Now she was almost beside herself knowing he was so sick and she wasn't there.

Had she made the right decision? "He thinks you abandoned him." Luke's voice echoed in her head. She hadn't known what to do. Her instincts had never led her anywhere good or sensible, but she wasn't so young anymore. It was a lot harder to turn a blind eye to the damage she was doing at thirty-eight than it had been in her twenties. When she was younger she thought it was cute that he was so serious and organized, my little man she had called him. It's like he's the parent, she had told her friends, laughing. God I was so stupid, she thought. So fucking stupid. She had let him grow up like that. Always anxious, always unheard, always putting her needs before his own.

Sending him to stay with Luke felt like the first time she had ever really put him first and thought about what he needed, but of course he felt abandoned. She could barely talk to him because she didn't want to beg him to come home. She told him to stay away at Christmas because she didn't think she could send him away a second time. And she was doing better. She's been single since that night with Rob. Her rock bottom. She ran her fingers over the eleven month chip in her jacket pocket. This was the longest she'd been sober since she was what, fourteen?

But how would he feel, to know she was finally getting her life together now that he was basically grown? That she could never be there for him but she was finally showing up for herself. You're showing up for him right now, she told herself. You can't change the past. All you can do is try to do right by him from here on out.

They parked in the visitor's lot a little before noon. Liz got out and lit a cigarette, taking a few deep drags on their walk from the parking lot and putting it out in the ashtray near the door. They were all quiet on the elevator ride to the fifth floor. Liz couldn't believe how nervous she was to see her own kid.

Jess was sleeping propped up in a sitting position when they arrived. Lorelai was shocked by how ill he looked. Liz immediately went to his side, and Luke got up and hugged his sister. "Big brother," she said in a tear stained voice. "How's he doing?"

"About the same, he was up for awhile this morning and seemed a little more himself, but when his meds start to wear off and his fever goes up he gets kind of lethargic and out of it. He's been sleeping on and off for the past couple of hours, but he's due for more meds soon."

She was already holding Jess' hand, "Hey buddy, it's me, it's mom, I'm here. You're okay, I've got you buddy." She murmured as she stroked his dark hair. He stirred a little but didn't really wake up.

Lorelai felt a lump in her throat putting herself in Liz's shoes and imagining how she would feel if that was Rory. Standing next to Lorelai in the doorway, Rory was staring wide-eyed at Jess. Her only point of reference was when Richard had his heart attack, but she hadn't imagined Jess could look as sick as someone who'd had a heart attack.

Luke made his way to the door. "Thanks for bringing her, I owe you big time," he whispered, ushering them out of the room. "Let's give them a few minutes together."

Liz sat on the edge of the bed, running her hands through Jess' hair, . "God, I would have sworn you were already grown, but you look so much more grown up since the last time I saw you. Maybe it's the stubble. I don't know if I've ever seen you with this much of a beard," she said, stroking his cheek.

"That tickles," Jess muttered, jerking his head away.

"Oops, sorry, I forgot about your ticklish cheeks, buddy."

"Mom?"

"Yeah, I'm here, bud, I'm right here."

With great effort, he opened his eyes.

"Heyyy kiddo, there you are." She smiled at him.

Jess looked confused. "I dreamed you were here."

"And here I am. Dreams really do come true. How you feelin' bud?"

"Not so great."

"I'm sorry bud, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry you're so sick and that I haven't seen you in so long."

"'s okay. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too, bud, me too. You just relax. Mom's here, Uncle Luke's here. We got you."

He nodded, closing his eyes. He squeezed her hand. "You stole my Metallica T-shirt."

She laughed in surprise. "Yeah, I'll trade it back to you for my Bowie tour shirt."

"Never."