Disclaimer: Everything belongs to The Marvel Universe except for my character Julie – she is my own creations and is not meant to resemble anyone else's OCs in any way.
A/N: Reviewers are dropping like flies! Are you all getting bored with this story now that the slow burn has finally exploded?
*** TRIGGER WARNING: TORTURE AND ABUSE ***
Chapter 18: Memories
A few days after Bucky's return, Julie went in for a session with Dr. Raynor. She had spent a lot of time thinking about what he'd told her, about his fears. Truthfully, she wasn't completely sure he wouldn't accidentally hurt her. That chilling thought scared her and yet filled her with guilt at the same time. She walked into the room and took up her usual seat on the gray couch.
"Good morning Julie."
"Morning."
"You look like you have something on your mind."
Julie looked down at her hands, her fingers fidgeting together. Licking her lips she glanced back up at Dr. Raynor.
"Bucky came back from a tough mission a few days ago and we had a conversation about his nightmares…sometimes when he wakes up, it's like he's still half asleep. Or maybe he's just confused and can't sort out his dream from his present reality. I don't know, but it usually only lasts a minute or two before he fully wakes," she paused to take a breath and gather her thoughts. "He told me that on this mission he and Sam got into a fight because he woke up so disoriented. I haven't experienced him that bad…yet. But he made it sound like it was not uncommon for him to take some time to come out of one of his nightmares…"
Dr. Raynor sat in front of Julie, patiently listening to her as she went on. The younger woman swallowed hard, taking another shaky gulp of air before continuing.
"I'd never really given it much thought before, and honestly, it was probably incredibly stupid of me not to…but he's afraid he'll be so disoriented one night that he'll hurt me."
She stopped and looked at the therapist, waiting for a reply. Dr. Raynor took a moment, considering her response. Although Bucky had authorized her to discuss certain things with Julie, she still attempted to remain as neutral and impartial as possible between the two.
"I know," she finally answered.
Julie blinked at her in surprise. Then the realization dawned on her.
"Of course you do. He already told you all of this."
Dr. Raynor nodded at her.
"Well…what can I do to reassure him?"
"You can't. Because the truth is, you don't know for certain that he wouldn't. When he has these experiences, they're not just simply nightmares. They're not something he can reassure himself aren't real, just an imaginary monster in the closet. Because they are real. These are memories for him. Painful, scary, horrific memories. As long as these nightmares continue, there's no guarantee that he won't be so lost in them as to not immediately recognize that you aren't a threat to him. When he wakes in this state, his body is in fight for flight response, going on autopilot. And unfortunately, James has been thoroughly trained to fight."
"So what do I do?" She whispered desperately.
"He has to continue to work on it, to put these things to rest. And he is, but it'll take time. And even then, they may sporadically creep back up during times of fear or stress. Until then, all you can do is support him in his efforts. And we can talk about how to handle him when he's in a PTSD state. What you can do to help bring him back to the present."
Julie let out a tense breath and nodded for her to continue.
…
The warm spring air enveloped the two women as they sat in the rocking chairs on the porch. They watched the boys play, throwing the football back and forth across the front yard. Bees and butterflies zipped from flower to flower as a small dusting of pollen settled around them.
"So how's it going with Jackson?"
Sarah smiled serenely, "Really good. I'm happy, I'm…content."
Julie closed her eyes, soaking up the sunshine and smiled at her friend's comment.
"I'm glad."
"What about you?"
"What about me?" She asked without opening her eyes.
"Well it's been months since you and David broke up. Anyone else you're interested in?"
"I'm happy the way things are right now," Julie responded vaguely.
There was a long pause and at last she opened her eyes to find her friend staring at her pensively.
"What?"
"You know you can tell me anything, right? We're basically sisters. I'd never judge you. I only want the best for you."
Julie's brows wrinkled in confusion, suspicious of why Sarah was telling her these things.
"I know."
Sarah let out a small exhale and frowned. There was a shriek of laughter and they both turned back to the front yard. Sam had come out of the house and joined the boys, giving them tips as they continued to play.
"I think I'm going to have them meet Jackson."
"Really?!"
"Yeah…we've been dating for a little while now and…I think I'm really falling for him. No…I know. I love him. And I want the boys to meet him. I want them to get to know each other."
Julie put her chin in her hand, propping her elbow on the rocking chair arm.
"Aren't you at all scared?"
"Of what?"
"Of all of it. Falling in love, bringing him into your kids' lives, the possibility of it all crashing and burning?"
The rocking chair creaked slightly as Sarah rocked back and forth. At last she turned towards Julie.
"Yes. Yes, I am scared."
"Then why? How can you do it any way?"
"Because I know that no matter what, it'll be worth it. And come what may, I'll survive it. We'll survive it."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because we've already survived it once before Julie…"
Julie swallowed hard, knowing that Sarah was referring to Cass and AJ's dad.
"After everything you went through? All the pain, the grief, the heartache…you really think it was worth it?"
Sarah appraised Julie for a moment.
"I had years of happiness and unconditional love," her gaze drifted back to the boys. "I still do now. How can I not think it was worth it?"
…
He sat in the dark, his eyes started to drift shut and his body wobbled to the side as sweet sleep began to overtake him. Just as his eyes closed and his body slumped there was a loud crash. He jerked awake, groaning from the pain of the movement. Metal fingers drifted to the broken ribs on his right side. He cringed, agony searing through his shoulder. Heart pounding his gaze went down to his left arm, still unused to the odd prosthetic. It didn't matter though, the windowless room was pitch black offering no light to see by. A small whimper escaped his lips. He wanted to sleep so bad. But every time he drifted off, they woke him up. His hand shook from the mental and physical abuse as he ran it up the back of his hair. He flinched, touching the throbbing spot at the base of his skull where they'd shaved his head so they could insert the probes. He didn't know what they did, but he felt like pieces of himself were slowly being chipped away at each and every time. Footsteps sounded down the hall outside his prison and anxiety shot through his body. He wasn't sure what was worse, the dark isolation or the suffering that came when he was removed from there.
The thick metal door creaked on its hinges as it came open. Bucky had to blink several times, his eyes attempting to adjust to the blinding light. Several armed men entered and grabbed him up, hauling him to his feet. He stumbled, attempting to keep up with their pace but his body was weak and tired. The lights flickered overhead as they dragged him down the hallway, taking so many turns he couldn't keep it straight. The smell of food wafted into his nostrils as they passed what must have been a kitchen. His stomach gave a loud growl and one of the men chuckled behind him. He swore mentally, if he ever got out of here he would kill each and every one of them. He would make them suffer. Then they turned a corner and he saw it. The glass door stood open, like a mouth gaping wide, ready to swallow him whole. He dug his heels into the concrete floor, stalling them.
"No.." He moaned weakly.
The men holding on to him jerked him roughly, ripping pain through his left shoulder and the newly healing fracture in his right arm.
"Come on. Don't make this even harder on yourself than it has to be."
"NO!" He said more forcefully.
He began to struggle.
"I'm starting to think you enjoy this!" Growled the man to his right.
He let go of his arm and hit Bucky sharply between the shoulder blades. A painful grunt flew from his mouth. A surge of energy and raw power followed the ebbing ache. His arms flew up and he struck the men closest to him. They fell to the ground with a thud. The other four guards whirled on him. Bucky decked one with his new metal fist, a kick came to the stomach of the next man who neared him. The two remaining soldiers descended upon him simultaneously. He was weak from his torture, but still managed to hold his own. He was determined to give it everything he had, until his last breath. He would not give in, he couldn't.
A crack came to the side of his skull from the butt of a gun, blackening his vision momentarily. Disoriented, he stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall. The six guards were upon him in an instant. His eyes tried to focus. Blinking he cleared the double vision and stared down the barrel of the gun pointed at his face.
"Enough."
The voice that came from the glass room sent cold dread flowing into his veins. Bucky's head hung as his arms were grabbed once more, yanking him upwards. He panted, his heart thudding so hard he thought it might burst from his chest. He knew what was coming. He began to struggle again but he was no match for all of them at once.
"NO!" He rasped out, "PLEASE! NO!"
"The less you struggle the better it will be for you, Sergeant Barnes."
Feet came into his line of sight. His gaze drifted upwards and met with the face of his nightmares. Zola. Panic burst through him, he was having trouble catching his breath. There was a glint in the side of his vision and before his addled mind could register what was happening he felt the prick of the needle in his neck.
"It will all be over soon," he told Bucky. "You just have to give in. Give me what I want, and I will make all the pain go away."
"What do you want?!" Bucky croaked as his vision grew fuzzy.
"You. I want you Sergeant. To be the new fist of Hydra. And you will…you will give me what I want. One way or another…"
His voice faded as everything slowly grew dark.
…
It was a dream. It was all just a horrible, awful nightmare. It wasn't real. None of it was real.
A moment of relief washed over his tired mind as he came to. Sunken blue eyes opened and the world came into focus. His heart jumped into his throat and began to pound sharply as fear filled his very being. He tried to move but he couldn't. His arms were restrained and legs strapped tight to the chair. He knew this chair. He knew this room. He knew what was coming.
Nooooo…
Bucky's eyes shut as he attempted to breath. Tears began to build. How much more of this could he take? He wasn't sure. He just wanted it to stop.
Why? Why? Why? What have I done? Oh God, what have I done to deserve this? Why?
"Are you ready to comply yet?"
Bucky moaned, eyes screwed shut and shook his head from side to side.
"What is your name? Who are you?"
He whimpered, still not responding. He felt the machine whir to life and settle around his head. Bucky's eyes flew open. Terrified orbs met cold and sadistic ones.
"No," he begged. "Please, no. NO MORE!" He begged before a mouth guard was shoved between this teeth.
Then the shock came. His head was thrown back, eyes shut and muscles tensed. The electricity surged through every fiber, spasming his muscles. He cried out and screamed but it did not relent. It went on and on until he thought he couldn't take any more. At last it stopped. His nerves continued to tingle as if on fire.
"Again," he heard Zola instruct.
His throat felt raw as he screamed over and over, unable to articulate any real words. The torture continued for what felt like hours.
No more…please please please…no more. Please God, please. Make it stop. I can't. I can't do this any more. I don't want to. Pleeaasseee…
He could sense it now — his body and mind were giving out. He had survived weeks and weeks of mental, physical and emotional torture. But he couldn't hold out any more. He could feel himself giving up. He felt weak. Disgust and disappointment in himself drifted through his mind. He should be stronger than this. But he just couldn't do it any more. He wanted to keep fighting but he couldn't. He needed it to stop. Fire tore through his body. His mind was splintering. Someone was speaking but he couldn't make sense of the words, everything was a garbled mess. His eyes were shut so tight he was seeing stars. The electricity speared him again, but he did not scream. He couldn't. He had nothing left. Bucky knew this was it. Dread settled deep in the pit of his stomach as his chest heaved between bouts of torture, desperately attempting to get some air to his lungs.
This is it, this is the end. I can't do this any more…I can't…
The shock came through him strong and sudden. Then his mind went blank.
…
(Lose Control - MEDUZA, Becky Hill, Goodboys)
Bucky came awake with a scream, his eyes were wild and he threw his head into his hands, fingers yanking on his hair. Julie startled awake beside him, her heart pounding. She looked over as he climbed out of bed. He was muttering something and pacing around the room, panic and fury radiated off of him.
"Bucky…?" she said gently.
He did not react. She wasn't even sure if he was aware of her presence. His jaw pulsed as he ground his teeth and continued his pacing. Panting heavily, his incoherent mumbling became louder. Julie was pretty confident he was speaking a different language altogether. Russian? Romanian? She wasn't sure.
"Bucky?"
She was out of bed now, but keeping her distance. He still did not respond. Then a painful whimper escaped his lips. He grabbed his head again and dug his fingers into his scalp. Suddenly lurching upright he let out a fierce roar of agony. Fear prickled up her spine as she watched the muscles in his neck strain. She was nervous to approach him, unsure if he'd try to lash out at her in this trance he seemed to be in. He continued to hold his head as words tumbled from his lips. He was cycling through various languages now, more than she could count. But the word he was repeating was the same, this much she knew.
"…NEIN! NO! NET!…"
Bucky suddenly grew silent. Julie watched him drop his hands down slowly. He paused, now standing near the dark window, head bowed, long hair hanging like a curtain around his face. His bare shoulders hunched, hands fisted and biceps flexed. Chest rising heavily with each labored breath, he painted both a sultry and dangerous picture all at the same time. Julie finally decided to approach him slowly. She thought back to some of the tips that Dr. Raynor had given her when dealing with his PTSD flashbacks.
"Sergeant Barnes!" She called forcefully, the slight wobble in her voice betraying her.
Dangerous eyes darted to her face, finally attuning to her presence. His hands briefly relaxed, then closed back into fists.
"Stand down," she quietly commanded him.
His dark stare unnerved her. The empty orbs that pinned her in place were that of a cold assassin. This was not James Barnes looking at her, this was the Winter Soldier. Terror threatened to overtake her but she shoved it aside. Now that she had his attention she tried to change tactics. She had to bring him back to the present, bring him back to her.
"You're safe. You're safe Bucky," she said softly.
Moving cautiously and only a millimeter at a time, she reached out for his right hand. He flinched when he felt her fingers enclose his fist causing her to jerk back in fear. Then he went still again, standing rigid, watching her carefully. She tried once more, holding on to him this time.
"James…It's Julie. I'm here with you. You're ok. You're safe," she continued to coo.
Her hands gently pried his vibranium fingers open until she could slip her palm into his. She squeezed softly and repeated herself.
"You're ok. Everything is ok. I'm right here."
He finally raised his head, haunted eyes meeting her cautious ones.
"Oh James," her voice was barely above a whisper.
He reached out with his other arm and pulled her to him. His face buried in her neck and she felt him take a deep and shaky breath. Julie brought her free arm up, wrapping it around Bucky's waist. She held him close while he gathered himself. She sensed wetness on her skin and knew he was crying silent tears.
"Shhh," she whispered softly and ran a hand down the back of his head, attempting to soothe him.
Hot lips landed on the juncture of her neck and shoulder, eliciting an involuntarily shiver. She couldn't help the immediate desire that pooled in her belly. His nose nuzzled into her and he nipped slightly, delighting in the little gasp of surprise that escaped her lips and the squeeze of her gentle fingers against his hard metal ones.
"Bucky…" she whimpered softly.
The sudden shift from the adrenaline of danger to the acute desire he was drawing out in her had Julie's mind reeling. He brought his head up and his lips collided with hers in a powerful, searing kiss. His right hand pressed into the small of her back, drawing her hips into his, letting her feel the evidence of his arousal. Julie brought her arms around and ran them up and down his naked back, then to the front as she felt his taught muscles. Bucky's fingers tangled into the fabric of her tank top and tugged it over her head, then quickly shoved her shorts off her hips until they fell to the floor.
Maneuvering her backwards, he yanked his own boxers off before lifting her up and placing her back on the bed. She scooted backwards and put her head on a pillow, watching as Bucky crawled up her body. The look of desire on his face made her insides clench and she could feel the wetness seeping out. She wanted to squeeze her thighs together but he wouldn't allow it. He was already positioning himself between her legs, his weight resting heavily on her hips. Julie felt her heart pounding frantically as his thick erection pressed against her lower belly.
Bucky reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a condom, quickly rolling it over his hard cock. Then he was back again, covering her small frame with his large body. He held most of his weight on his metal forearm and cupped her face with his right palm. Leaning in he kissed her deeply, desperately pouring all of his emotions into it. He wanted her, no, he needed her. In this moment, Julie was his anchor, his lifeline. And Bucky needed her like he needed air to breathe. Although he was usually so very attentive to her desires, always trying to make sure she reached her climax before him, he wasn't sure he had it in him tonight.
There was no time for foreplay. Julie felt his cock nudging her fold apart and then with one swift move of his hips, he was buried inside of her. She cried out at the sudden invasion, his considerable girth stretching her fully. Bucky stilled for a moment, allowing her to adjust. Her arms came up to encircle his shoulders. Then she shifted her hips, allowing him to settle deeper still. He groaned and began to move. His thrusts weren't gentle as he lost himself in Julie's body. She matched his pace and let him take his pleasure as he needed.
Bucky lowered his forehead to the crook of her neck and pounded into her. He wanted her to come but his body was demanding her so badly he didn't think he could hold out. The sound of their pants and moans filled the otherwise quiet room. He snapped his hips firmly against hers and let out a loud groan, coming hard. Julie was surprised to find how quickly her own orgasm had begun to build and she felt herself crest at the exact same moment as Bucky. She cried out in ecstasy, her walls contracting and spasming around him.
I love you. I love you…oh God, Julie…I love you.
Bucky's mind spun in the kaleidoscope of pleasure that filled his brain. He wanted to tell her those words. He wanted to scream them out loud. But he couldn't, the fear of rejection was too great. He didn't want to scare her away for he couldn't bear to lose her. A large part of him still believed he was unworthy. So he remained silent.
Then the euphoria began to subside and he was hit with an avalanche of emotions. The terror and pain from his memory, the wave of love for the woman still beneath him, the fear of abandonment and loss. Bucky didn't move. He was still buried inside of her when he brought his head back down to her shoulder and let the damn break. Julie held him tightly as a heartbreaking sob was ripped from his throat. She pressed her cheek against his head, her right hand holding the side of face as the fingers of her left hand ghosted up and down his back. She said nothing. Made no noise. But continued to soothe him quietly, allowing him to release everything.
After several long minutes Bucky finally quieted. His breath was still hard and ragged when he pulled out of her, rolled to the side and yanked off the condom. He deposited it on the floor before turning back to Julie. She opened her arms up to him, allowing him to rest his head on her chest. Her body enveloped him as he held on to her tightly around the middle. Moments later his breathing evened out. Julie gazed down at his now placid face. He had fallen back asleep.
…
The clock on the wall ticked with an annoyingly loud click as the two women sat across from one another. Both stared, neither one blinking, each one waiting. Julie uncrossed and recrossed her legs. The clicking went on, its sound the only thing to fill the silence of the room.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
Dr. Raynor pursed her lips and tapped the end of her pen on her notepad.
"You said you were going to use these next days that James was out of town to do some soul-searching. Some thinking."
Julie's arms went around her chest and she turned her head away in a gesture of defiance.
"I see. Julie…these things aren't going to sort themselves out on their own. At some point you have to figure this shit out and stop stringing him along."
Her body uncoiled itself as she sat up straight and rigid. Her face turned to the therapist in fury.
"I am not stringing him along!"
"Then what are you doing? What are you afraid of?"
The words bubbled up in her throat, they slipped up her tongue, laying heavy in her mouth, swirling around until they finally spilled out in a great burst. The shock of their truth, jarring Julie even as she spoke them.
"THAT HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND!"
She sat there, chest heaving, staring wild eyed at the therapist in front of her.
"He's still figuring himself out. He's still learning who he is without the Winter Soldier, learning what he wants. What if one day he wakes up and realizes that none of this is what he really wanted?!"
"At some point, you are going to have to stop punishing James, and yourself, for Adam's sins."
"That's not it! Look at him! Look at what his life has been like and the things he's been through. For so long he had no free will! And yet look at what he still does for a living! That's not the kind of life that someone leads when they're ready to settle down and have a family!"
"First of all, who gets to decide that? Maybe that's just not how you see life for your partner. But it doesn't mean he couldn't make it work. For all you know, he'd give it up in a heartbeat if you were to just ask."
"I don't want to do that to him. I could never do that to him! These missions, working with Sam, this is everything to him right now. I'm not sure he'd know what to do with himself without it all."
"Is it? Maybe he's just waiting for you."
"What if years down the road, he wakes up and realizes that he feels stuck? That he never really wanted to give it all up for me? That he's bored and this was never what he actually wanted? That he just got caught up in a train that was moving too fast and he didn't know how to stop it? I couldn't…I wouldn't be able to…"
Her voice cracked and tears trickled down her cheeks.
"Is that how you feel about what happened with Adam? That you just got swept up and didn't know how to get off the moving train?"
Julie choked slightly, tears streaming freely now.
"Yes," she breathed.
Dr. Raynor studied her for a moment. Then reached over and plucked the box of tissues off the table beside them. She handed it to Julie before returning to her own chair.
"I…I thought he was perfect for me. Everything that I was raised to believe I wanted in a husband. All the boxes were checked. Everyone but Sarah said we were great together and how good we looked as a couple. But I think I romanticized it all. I turned it into something that it wasn't in my head to make the pieces fit. That's why I never wanted to have sex with him. The stress and exhaustion didn't help but in the end, I may not have realized it then, but…I knew. Deep down I knew it wasn't right. He wasn't right. But I didn't know how to get out. I was too scared. At the end of the day he forced my hand and sometimes I wonder, how long would it have taken me to wake up to the truth? When would I have had the courage to break away and start over? Months? Years? Would we have been married? Would we have had kids?"
"And now you're afraid he's in your shoes. You two are such close friends with Sarah and Sam. What would happen if he were to walk away from you? How would that change your dynamics? Your lives? Is that what you're thinking? That he's going to feel so entangled he won't be able to extricate himself until you've gone so far down the road that it would simply break you?"
The air left her lungs and she deflated. Finally out of steam, Julie sank back into the couch cushions. Salty tears continued to pour out of her. It was one thing to have her feelings and these vague thoughts in her mind. It was another to hear them so solidified and coming out of someone else's mouth. The emotions rose up and encircled her throat, choking her, strangling the words that were clawing to get out.
"I'm already so far down that road I can't see where it ever began or where it ends. I…I love him," her eyes drifted up to meet Dr. Raynor's sharp gaze.
"I love him so much it hurts. And when I think about him leaving me…or not coming home from a mission one day…I can't…I can't…" she whispered, stumbling on the words.
A/N: As always, thank you SO much to the small handful of you who comment, rather than being silent readers. You are always appreciated! Thank you Thorunnironside, Alices Rabbit, Guest, MidnightStar, Alpinelover, isabetta1463, ThatGirlNextDoor.
We're nearing the end now…probably only 2-3 chapters left, depending on how things shake out when I write it.
Please don't forget to leave a review!
Thorunnironside: Yay! I'm so glad you liked that part, I really enjoyed writing it. You are actually the only one to comment on that scene and point out its significance (and really the significance of the entire chapter lol)! And yes, it's bittersweet for me too — I've become so attached to my characters and this story!
Alices Rabbit: Woohoo! That's such a huge compliment haha! Soooo, we sort of got some 'I love you's' in this chapter, but probably not the kind you wanted to see, huh? *sheepish*
Guest: Thank you for the encouragement! And all in due time… ;) The next chapter will be pretty explosive so hold on to your hat!
MidnightStar: Thank you! :)
Alpinelover: YES! Julie is just so jaded after Adam, but I really wanted to show how sweet Bucky can be and that he's there for her even through the mundane day to day problems of just life. And not just for the big moments. I hope it showed how he's not just caught up in the emotions and intense attraction between the two of them. As for Sarah, you'll have to wait a bit longer to see if you're right! Haha.