Muffled sounds, flashing lights, Sam's face and incoherent screams were the only things Dean's mind could process, while he was being laid out on the stretcher he tried to ask where his wife was, unaware that his mouth wasn't moving. He struggled to get up, but every time he tried to push himself off the stretcher the pain seared to through his arm. He tried to grab Sam's hand, but his drifts in and out of consciousness had him disoriented and he found himself more than once grabbing at thin air. When the ambulance finally began to move and the EMTs shined lights in his eyes, he saw her face. He began to cry, he screamed out her name and when she faded away he screamed for her to come back, it was useless and he knew it. He knew she was gone. The lights on the inside of the ambulance began to dim and he cried out to her to come back, that he could protect her no matter what, then before it all went completely dark he whispered "Sammy help me."

Sam

"Sammy help me." He held Dean's hand watched his head come to rest on the stretcher facing him, Sam watched as the paramedic put her fingers to his neck and watched as if in slow motion all the attempts they were making to resuscitate him. He watched them pound on his chest and each hit was like a blow to his heart. He watched when they put shock pads to his chest and watched his brother's body jerk upwards. He ran his hands through his hair and let the tears fall, they were too heavy to hold back. He looked at the stony faced EMTs as they offered him meaningless words of comfort, telling him it would be alright, he looked at the door of the ambulance and wished he could just jump out and escape. Too many times he's seen his brother like this, he was tired of it, tired of the hospitals, stitches, bandages and near death experiences. He was tired of hunting and being hunted. He wanted to be happy he wanted his brother to be happy. He just wanted to be left alone, he wanted the world of demons and ghosts to leave them alone.

The paramedics were loading Dean off, they'd gotten him breathing but were preparing for another relapse. They carted his off into the hospital and down to the emergency room, leaving Sam outside.

He broke down right outside the doors, he screamed in agony, in torment, in exhaustion. He cried tears in anger as he walked in circles body shaking while he pulled at his hair and mentally beat himself up.

"Sam, it wasn't you're fault you didn't know." Castiel said appearing in front of him.

"Yea it was! It was something I could've prevented from happening." Sam punched one of the concrete pillars.

"What happened, happened." Castiel said grabbing his arm, stopping Sam from punching the pillar again, "you were as unaware as I was. There was nothing we could've done."

Sam hugged Castiel and cried into his shoulder, "He's the only family I've got Cas and if he dies then I'll have nothing. I'll be alone. I'd rather be dead than be alone."

Castiel nervously patted his Sam's back, "Though I cannot comprehend the emotions you're feeling right now. I know you'll prevail, both of you. You were destined to."

Sam pulled out of the hug and stared at Cas, "Destined? Destined, I'm tired of being destined for something. It's like I have no choice, I don't have a choice. Even you of all people, beings should know what that's like." He threw his arms up in the air, "it's like my free will was thrown away the minute I came into this world." He brought his arms back down to his sides, turned his back to Castiel and sighed.

"I wish I could be like you" He said wiping the remnants of tears from his face "I wish I couldn't feel a thing."

"Being able to feel, is the best part of being alive. The best part of living," Cas said walking up Sam, " it's what separates you from the demons , it's what makes humans one of God's greatest creations."

"Well I didn't ask to be created." Sam said then walked off into the hospital, leaving Castiel outside to only try and imagine what he felt.

Sam walked passed about a dozen rooms before he stopped one of the paramedics he recognized from the ambulance, "Where did they take him?"

"They took him to surgery to try and pop some of those bones back in place, after that he'll probably be in the ICU. I don't know which room he'll be in though sorry." She said.

"Well can you point me in the direction of the ICU?"

"Sure." And she gave him the directions and told him not to worry and that his brother was strong.

'That's his façade.' he thought as he thanked her and walked on.

Hours later in Dean's room

Sam sat in the chair beside Dean's bed and stared at him, the sound of the heart monitor's beep held him in a trance. He was calm, but developing rage was starting to cloud his mind.

"Sir?" a nurse had knocked on the open door, "Can I get you to come down to the morgue with me, to…um….identify the body? It'll only take a minute." The nurse asked.

"Yea" Sam said drily as he got up, never taking his eyes off Dean.

The nurse placed a soft hand on Sam's back while she walked with him down the hall, and to the elevators,

"I'm really sorry that you have to do this sir, but your brother is well, out of commission at the moment." She said as she pressed the down arrow.

"S'okay." Sam said watching the numbers lights above the elevators, trying to keep from forming tears in his eyes.

The elevator doors open and they both got in, the nurse pressed six and leaned against one of the bars in the elevators. Sam looked at his reflection in the steel doors of the elevator as they closed. He was a mess, his eyes we blood shot, his hair was disheveled and his clothes were wrinkled.

The elevator stopped and he and the nurse stepped out into an array of bodies lying displayed out, and numerous people standing over them crying. Some people were shouted at the doctors, and some were just shouting in disbelief. Sam looked at the nurse and she looked back,

"These kinds of thing happen often?" Sam asked with genuine curiosity.

"Just tonight, they just keep coming in." the nurse said putting her head down as she walked through the grieving crowd.

"And this doesn't scare you?" Sam asked watching the woman out of the corner of his eye as he walked beside her.

"It scares the hell out of me, my shift ended hours ago, but I'm too afraid to leave the hospital." She stopped in front a cover body and checked the toe tag, said a prayer over it, then moved on.

Sam stopped and looked at the tag too, 'Shay Jones. DOB: 05/12/08. C.O.D: unknown. She was two…'

Sam dropped the tag and caught up with the nurse, who stood beside a table, head down and hands clutching to the cross that hung around her neck.

"Sir, do you recognize this body?" she pulled back the sheet, and Sam looked down at the body. He had a sharp intake of breathe before he turned away and told the nurse to cover her back up.

"Is this her? Sir?" the nurse pressed as she covered her back up.

"It's her." Sam said and he pushed his way back through the crowd to the doors of the elevator.

Once inside he stared vacantly at the floor till he heard the ding telling him he was back in his floor.

He walked quickly back to Dean's room, and stood outside the door, hesitating to open it.

'What am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell him?' he sighed deeply and open the door slowly, not expecting an immediate confrontation but silence and time to himself to think about how to tell Dean.

"Where you been Sammy?" Sam looked up and saw Dean sitting up in the bed and eating.

"Oh come on, you look like you just saw…" Dean's eyes flashed all over black, "a demon."