Sorry if there are some mistakes, I'm tired and too darn lazy. :)

Depression is not simply sadness. It's more than that. It's more than just a feeling you have. It's like…it's like black smoke. It surrounds you and covers you and you can't see anything beyond it. You breathe it in, and it fills you up to the brim and you can't escape it.

You can never escape it.

And you're choking in it, and it fills your lungs and you go to the ground, coughing and gasping. You can't breathe.

And this whole time, you don't even do anything about it. You don't try and fight it, because it's always there. And you don't try to escape it, because everywhere you look, and no matter how fast you run, it's always there, and it will always creep up on you and strangle you until you can't breathe. Always.

But then it occurs to you.

The answer.

The only way. The "only" way, to get rid of the smoke.

To get rid of the sadness.

To end it all.

And it seems like such a good idea. The best damn idea you'd ever had. You see, when you're depressed, those around you just…don't matter. It sounds harsh, but it's true. All you can think about is the sadness. The overwhelming, crushing sadness. So it doesn't really matter what people think, or the worried looks that they give. Your mind is set on one thing and one thing only. The only bright spot in the hell that is your life: the end.

But that bright spot was taken away from me the moment Edward saved me. Sure, it was nice of him. Sure, I knew that it was the right thing to do. But…all I could think of was that I might never have that chance again. My bright spot might be gone forever.

But then a new one began to emerge.

It startled me with it's brightness, and I watched, fascinated, as it flooded my being, blinding me and soaking me in light and warmth. I felt good. No, it felt fucking fantastic. But it also seemed all-wrong. What was I, the girl who was constantly shrouded by darkness, doing mingling with a light so pure?

But it didn't feel wrong. It felt right, it felt like it was just a puzzle piece in my life that fit all nice and easy.

And that just creeped me out.

It didn't belong. It was foreign. It was kindness. It was compassion.

It was Edward.

His name felt all too real on my mind, and sitting on the cold, damp swing, I almost tried to trick my mind into thinking Edward had been a dream. That the past few days had all been a silly little hallucination of mine.

But it was too hard when the real, electrifying feeling of his lips against mine was burned into my mind forever. Classic Isabella. Classic me. I always screwed up, and anything remotely good would be gone just as it arrived. Black smoke. My only friend. I closed my eyes, almost visualizing breathing it in and having it choke me until I suffocated right there on the fucking playground. I should be so lucky.

It scared me, to be honest. How I felt right now, it scared the shit out of me. I knew I should be mad, and hell I was when I'd left Edward's house. But that was gone now. I should've been hurt, and I had been too. Edward had learned of my true nature, and he rejected it. He taunted me and he mocked me and he cut himself to try and prove some point to me. Yes, it hurt. It hurt like little daggers dragged through my flesh. But…that was gone now too.

No, now was something different entirely. Now I just felt…nothing. No emotion. A blank canvas. Nothing.

No, that's not true. I was tired. I was so, fucking tired of it all. I was tired of the concerned looks I got when people weren't looking. I was tired of being a burden to those around me, Edward included. He'd had to put up for me, and god knows how horrible it was to kiss me. I wouldn't want to do it. And most of all…I was just damn tired of life. I was just…just fucking done. The night I'd tried to jump the bridge, I was sad. I was sad and hurt and that's what led me to jump. But now I just felt empty inside. Nothing was stopping me, yet nothing was motivating me either. I was a hollow shell.

I thought about my suicide, and accepted that it would be soon. I'd do it an easy way, and I would do it out of town where no one would find me. A box of painkillers would probably do it…Yes, that would be perfect. I was being dramatic when I decided to jump. The paramedics would find my long gone, battered body at the bottom of the cliff, if anyone even noticed I was gone. No, that was the mistake I made. It had faults. I surely had to have considered when I'd thought of it that someone might drive across the bridge, as I was about to jump. Isabella, you idiot.

No, the second try would be nice and simple. I thought back. I had some money in the bank that my pa-…that I was going to use for college. But that was before. It would be enough for a cab to Port Angeles and for a motel. I would do it there, and it would be as simple as a swallow. Then I would just…disappear. It's not like anyone would notice my absence.

Edward could not find out, though. I wouldn't tell him. I was sad that my last memory of him would be of him cutting himself and yelling at me, and instead focused on our kiss, and when he'd bought me clothes. He'd bought me long sleeves without any hesitation, knowing my unwillingness towards wearing anything with short sleeves. And he didn't even question it, he just accepted it. He didn't deserve all my emotional crap, and he would get no more of it. I would simply disappear from his life. It would be good for him, he would think that I'd moved on, or maybe I was getting help to cope with my depression. Oh, I was getting help, all right.

A drop of water fell onto my hand, which was neatly in my lap. Great, wonderful, fan-fucking-tastic. It's raining. My eyes dragged up to the sky, and I furrowed by brow when I realized that it, in fact, wasn't. My hand reached up to my eye. I was crying.

I broke into a stream of steady sobs then, blubbering like an idiot. It didn't matter, no one was watching me.

My sobs quieted after a while, and I wasn't sure what I was crying more for. The fact that I would never see Edward again or the fact that I was lying to myself when I said he would think I'd moved on. Hell, he'd know I moved on, but not simply to another town or something. To heaven. Or hell, in my case. A creature like me would never be allowed in heaven.

The black smoke showed me as much.

I realized I couldn't spend forever sitting on a swing in a playground. I had to get up. My brain said the actions, but there was just no effort in them. I didn't even move. Congrats, you've finally given up. And I had. I didn't even see the point of moving anymore. Or breathing.

Crunching of the gravel floor of the playground signified that I wasn't alone. Great. The last thing I wanted was someone to find me here. I was trespassing, after all.

I turned my head, just slightly, so that I could catch a glimpse of whoever it was in my peripherals. My eyes widened as the last person I expected appeared in my sight. The image was blurry, but the bronze hair was enough of a tell.

Edward.

Damn him, he'd found me.

I turned my head away, closing my eyes and feeling defeated. I had a feeling he wouldn't go away. Any attempts would be useless. He walked up to me, and his steps sounded strangely uneven. He was usually so graceful, what had happened?

Edward closed the distance and was soon right behind me as I sat quietly on the swing. "Bella..." He whispered, and I was surprised at the sound of his voice. It was sad, pained, and even desperate. His hand lightly touched my shoulder, to which I flinched away.

"Don't, Edward. Just...just don't." I replied to him. What right did he have? What fucking right?

"Please…" he whispered, stepping in front of me. Then I fully caught sight of him. His hair was even wilder then usual, he must've been running his fingers through it. He always did that when he was thinking. His eyes were bloodshot, and I could see the makings of tears in the corners. Edward was crying? I closed my eyes, not wanting to see more of the sight that was breaking my heart. I needed to be strong. I couldn't just give in because he looked sad. Remember what he'd said to you… I did, and it made my resolve come back.

"No Edward. You can't just do something as stupid as you did and then expect me to just forgive you! I can't forgive you for this!" Tears began to build up in my eyes too. His head drooped, and his eyes looked to the ground. He looked so heartbreaking, I couldn't stand it. I looked away and instead focused on the bright yellow slide next to the swings.

"Edward, do you think that I chose this? That I just woke up one day and say 'Hey, I think I'm going to cut myself just for the fuck of it.' No. No no no. I didn't choose this! You can't yell at me like it's my fault, because I didn't fucking choose this!" Tears poured down my cheeks. I looked back to Edward. Something was going on in those green eyes of his. Something had changed. I was curious, so I settled on staring at him. If he couldn't realize what he did was wrong, then I didn't think we could move on from here. I didn't even know if I wanted to move on.

"Bella…please…can you just let me…explain? Please…?" His head turned up, and I saw that he was now crying too. Why was he crying? I felt myself growing more pissed. He wasn't supposed to cry! But with that expression, I got the feeling that whatever he was going to tell me was worth the listen. So I sighed and nodded.

Edward took a deep breath, his bottom lip quivering as he got his sobs under control. I was beginning to get scared. Why was Edward getting so worked up? "My Mom was married before she met my Father." He began, "She was married to a man named Charles. They were happy, but he had a drinking problem, which didn't go over too well for her." He opened his eyes, as if to make sure I was still there, then closed them and continued with his story.

"Well, she found out she was pregnant, and she was terrified. She was scared of bringing a child into the world while Charles was an alcoholic. But when Mom told him, he was thrilled. He began to treat her differently. He wouldn't hit her anymore, and he stopped drinking. He began to treat her like a real husband should.

"You know how some people say that people are born to be things? Alice was born to design clothes, and Dad was born to be a doctor, and Mom was born to be a Mom. It was the happiest time of her life, and she was so excited to have a child of her own.

"But something went wrong. She went into labor after only being seven months pregnant. They rushed her to the hospital, and while they did everything they could, the baby was born with a lung infection, and died only a few days after being born. She'd only got to hold it once." I saw the tears roll down his face as he paused, and momentarily forgot how pissed I was at him. I reached over and took his hand, but he didn't move. "It was a baby boy." He opened his eyes and looked down at our hands, and squeezed hard, as if he needed to hold onto my hand just to stay standing.

"The birth had affected Mom as well. She had some complications due to the early labor, and she couldn't have children after that. When Charles found out, he was furious. He left her because of it. Mom was devastated, not just because her husband had left her, but also because she would never have a little child that was hers. Mom fell into a deep depression. She started doing that-" He pulled his hand out of my grasp and pointed to my scarred wrists "-to her arms." Oh.

"Things progressed and got so bad, that one day, she…went onto the balcony of her two-story…and…and jumped." I gasped and put a hand to my mouth, eyes widening. No wonder Edward reacted so horribly to me cutting. His mom had cut and he didn't want a repeat of what happened with her. "She met my Dad when she was in the hospital, he was her doctor. She was so close to death. They grew close and well, fell in love, and years later adopted Alice and me." His story ended with a sad little smile, and I could feel my heart breaking.

"That was why I overreacted to you c-cutting yourself…I thought back to my mom, and what happened to her…and I…I couldn't bear to see that happen to you…" He whispered, his eyes closed. "I know that's not an excuse for my behavior earlier, and I'm truly sorry…I shouldn't have acted that way. If you can't forgive me, I completely understand. I'll just go…" Edward stepped away from me, and I saw that he was limping. What happened?

"Edward…" I whispered, standing up and keeping my eyes trained on the ground. "You need to understand, this isn't something I chose…I'm not too proud of what I do, but sometimes it seems like the only reprieve I have…" I explained, though I don't think I worded it quite right. I once again held my hand out to Edward, to which he took hesitantly.

"I know…" He whispered, "I was out of line…and I will never forgive myself for the way I hurt you." My eyes trailed down to his arm, seeing the two cuts still there. It made me uneasy to think that Edward had hurt himself, and I realized that that must be how he felt when I cut myself. And it all went into perspective then.

Gently, I stepped closer to him. There were still tears in his eyes, but his crying had stopped. I took the hand with the cuts and pulled it closer to me. Then, I looked at the cut closest to me, and pressed my lips to it gently. I felt him shudder lightly, so I pulled my lips away from that cut and kissed the other one.

I looked to Edward. His eyes were bright green like grass and emeralds and they were bright, so bright. Like the light he emitted into my life. I grew curious as the corners of his mouth pulled just slightly in a smile, and He took both of my hands and tuned them palms up. He gently pushed my sleeves down, exposing all of my hideous cuts. Some were crooked scars, from when I first started out, some where old and some were very new, and they were all lined up along my wrist in a nice little line. Looking at both my arms, I never noticed how many there were.

Edward brought my arms to his lips and kissed every single one.

Well there it is! I hope you guys liked it.

With the AMAZINGLY talented KarinaCullen's recommendation, I checked out the Bodies exhibit when I was vacationing in Las Vegas. It was amazing. For those of you who don't know, Bodies is an exhibit of the human body using actual human bodies and organs that have been preserved through a special process. It makes that much more of an impact on you when you see it, and I thought it was a very unique experience.

Well, this is all the updates there will be for the next three weeks. As I said in the last chapter, I'm going to be out of town without internet (and again I say, AHHHH x.x), but I will be writing chapters for Saving Bella and all of my other stories while I'm gone, and I'm going to post them up when I get back.

Also, if you guys like hurt/comfort and angst stories, I encourage you to check out my other main FanFic, Uncurables. Things are starting to heat up in tharr! :D

I know you guys are totally awesome, so I'm selfishly going to ask you guys to spoil me with reviews. :) It's amazing to see what you guys think!

PS. Sweet! The A/N brought this chapter up to over 3,000 words! This makes it the longest chapter of the story! Woooo! *nerdy dance*