Disclaimer: I do not own Square Enix's Kingdom Hearts, nor am I making any money off this fanfiction. Seiya is © S.G. Smythe, and San is © S.G. Smythe and J.E. Jones. To use these characters without permission of the authors is illegal and punishable by law.

-o-o-

Author's Notes…

Only two chapters left to go, everyone. Sorry it took so long. I finally realized why it takes me forever to write this. Usually, with my other things I write, I can bounce ideas off friends, get feedback, and et cetera. But not with this one. No one wants to know what's going to happen! So it's a journey by myself this time.

Anyway, it's almost over. Please bear with me just a little longer.

-o-o-

A Careful Remedy

Chapter Five

Only Chance

Over my mother's shoulder, I can see Roxas. His eyes are nothing but hostile, suspicious, distrusting in general. When is the last time he looked at me with something close to fondness? Or just—happiness…? I guess that's asking for too much. I stole Riku from him. He'll never forgive me for that.

But you—just—wait—until after… after…

My thoughts trail off. My eyes catch sight of flaming red hair and a tsking frown. No one notices him. No one ever does. I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not as much as I was the first time, in the church, looking at my coffin, hearing my mother's sobs in the pew behind me… remembering Riku's despondent eyes…

I did this. I did all of it. I'd blamed Riku at first, so hard. I'd wanted to strangle him. I'd hit him, and my hand had passed straight through him. He means everything to me, and he went and did that. He betrayed me in the worst possible way. Only… how much of the blame can I place on his shoulders? I can't. I can't do it. Not after the last handful of days. He still means too much to me, and I betrayed him, too. I gave up on him, on myself.

He shouldn't have done it. No one should do that. But… this isn't about revenge.

This is about making things right—about letting go.

Axel sighs at me, giving me a long stare. I meet his gaze, not… really sure what I feel. Angry? No. Defeated? Nah. Accepting? Not completely.

Mom throws her arms around me. I catch her, and though she makes no noise, I can feel her trembling in my arms. She presses her face into my neck. I've always been short. Dad got to keep all the tall genes, with none to spare for Roxas and me.

"Mom—" My voice is gruffer than I intend. I have to close my eyes. Emotion burns too strong. How many times have I wanted to scream, to cry? How many times have I denied myself that? And now, with the distance of five years closed and a strangely fragile mother in my arms, she threatens to bring all my finely crafted walls down. I love her. I shouldn't have left her. She just hadn't understood—that didn't mean she'd hated me.

But God… I've… I've always been so angry about everything… I don't even know when it all started…

"Kid, I'll never understand you. You've got it all right here! Take him, take the gold! Your mom will always love you. Who's left not to? Roxas? So what? He'll get over it! People move on all the time."

I clench my eyes shut more tightly and ignore him. He's the one who gave me this chance, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to him.

Finally, my mother draws away, and we give each other watery smiles right before she laughs through her tears and punches a good one on my arm. The rest of my family takes heart from this, all of them releasing their own shaky laughs and getting to their feet to come forward. Dad, a few of my cousins, my grandparents, an uncle. I'm gathered into arms and hugged close, passed from one relative to the other.

The only one who doesn't join in the reunion is my brother.

Axel fades.

Riku's hand stays steady on my shoulder. We're moved from the front door to the sofa, all but shoved down on it. The Christmas tree in the corner glitters merrily at us. Instead of a chosen pattern of ornaments like the ones I picked for my own, my mom's is a myriad of anything and everything, some ancient, passed down through the family, others new. She's never had the heart to get rid of any of them, and usually boxes are left up on the attic. Each year, she lovingly decides which ones to put up, which ones to leave for maybe another Christmas.

"All right, son." Dad ruffles my hair. "Want some cocoa? It's the drink of choice tonight."

Mom lightly swats his arm. "San. I'll get it. Want some cookies, Sora? They're your favorite. Snickerdoodles."

In the kitchen, I hear a plate crash, and everyone jumps. I don't. I saw Roxas vanish into the kitchen as we were migrating to the old couch.

"What on—" Mom's smile vanishes, and she hurries off.

"Seiya, I'll help." Riku gets to his feet and heads after her. He must have noticed Roxas's absence, too.

I'm left alone.

Expectant faces all peer at me, some curious, others fond.

Heat spreading along my cheeks, I duck my head and rub my hand over the back of it.

"Heh…"

-o-o-

I'm going to be gone soon. I'm trying not to ruminate on it too much, but… how can I not? I've got to die. I died the first time, so I have to again. If I don't—well, Axel was pretty scary when he warned me off that, wasn't he? I've got no choice. I want to stay… I mean, I'm not so saintly as to not have any lingering wishes to remain a part of this earth… but we don't always get what we want, and this is the best I can do. It's the best anyone in my position can do.

The smile on my face is maybe forced this time as I push up from the couch and depart from family members. It's growing harder and harder to be happy as the seconds tick closer. This is all I've got. It's all going away soon. I have to keep it together. I know that. It's just so damn hard. The biting irony of it all is that I wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place if I hadn't let myself get so bad. Riku would never had had the need to cheat on me. We've already been through all this, so I don't do it again. It's nothing more than an endless circle.

"It's okay, Roxas," Mom is saying. My brother's at the table, face in his hands, elbows on his knees. Riku has a hand on his shoulder, presumably to be comforting. I look away from the sight and bend to help my mother instead. "Thanks, Sora," she says upon seeing me, and I take the broom and dust pan from her. Broken pieces of green plate litter the floor, and what looks to be ten cookies, all decorated with sprinkles for the season.

"No problem, Mom." I get to my feet and walk over to the trashcan. Behind me, I can hear Riku murmuring to Roxas, and I can't quite make out what they're saying. Probably something about how it wasn't Roxas's fault that he smashed the cookie plate. I'm betting he did it on purpose. Okay, so you may think that's extreme, but it won't be the first time. Roxas can be a petty little snot sometimes if he's not getting his way.

Here, Sora, have some of your favorite cookies, I mime in my head.

Noooo, he can't have them! Smash.

"The others are leaving soon, they've got their separate families to go to, but we're all going to stay for dinner." I feel Mom's fingers begin to push through my hair, smoothing it out straight. I've never understood why she bothers. It's just going to flop right back into place. The spikes are unmanageable. "Speaking of which, how long are you staying, Sora?"

"Um… a few days, we thought." I glance meaningfully at Riku, trying to catch his eye. He's still absorbed with Roxas. Blegh. Fine. I return my attention to Mom. "Is that okay? I know it's out of the blue, but…"

"Nope, it's fine!" Mom puts on a charming grin for me and smacks my butt with the dish cloth in her hand. "Why don't you go put your things in your old bedroom and get cleaned up? I've got it in here. I know it must have been a long drive."

"Thanks, Mom." I give into impulse and hug her, and she flushes with delight. Smiling at that, I kiss her forehead. My mom's sweet. A little annoying at times, but that's just because she's pushy and only wants what's best for me. Now, more than ever, I see that. I love her. She's the best mom ever. And no, I'm not just saying that because she's my mom. I bet if she entered the Best Mom Contest, she'd win, hands down.

I nudge Riku's leg with my foot as I pass him. "Hey, I'm going upstairs."

Riku glances up, as if seeing me there for the first time. I arch my eyebrows. "Uh—yeah, okay. Hold on, I'll be there in one second." A little red around the ears, Riku ducks his head back down and murmurs one last thing to Roxas before he pats his shoulder and departs to walk alongside me out of the kitchen. I pretend I didn't notice anything. I mean, what's the point in arguing with him now? God, they're so obvious. Oblivious. Both.

"You're in a good mood," Riku whispers, his hand finding the small of my back. I'm a bit annoyed at that. I don't need him to lead me. But what the hell. While we're on a not arguing scheme, might as well stick to it.

"It's going better than I thought," I confess. We wave idly to the family and head outside to get our things from the car. Five minutes later, and it's trudging upstairs with us, thunk, thunk, thunk. Overnight rollers, two pillows, and a bag full of stuff to do. That last one is mine alone. I'm surprised Riku didn't bring anything to do. Normally he gets bored faster than me—and trust me, I am not always easily entertained.

I'm a very restless individual. I like camping and all of that good stuff. Yet if you put me in a cabin for a few days, I'm going to go out of my mind. I have to be doing something. That's how I got started writing, actually. One day I'd fished out some paper and a pencil and got to work. It wasn't that hard, and over time it became more than just a hobby. I liked it. I had stories to craft. And then it started making me money, so it was even better.

Then I just sort of got involved in it, and…

Riku kisses my temple as we hit the upper landing. "Don't start frowning now."

"Mmm." I give him a tiny grin. "Sorry. Was just thinking."

He pulls a face of mock innocence. "You? Thinking? No way!"

I smack him with my pillow. "Shut up, Riku."

Giggling together, we enter my old bedroom and set down our stuff.

God, this place is old. Not dusty or anything, Mom seems to keep the cleaning in here up, but… yeah. Even before I vanished for five years, I still hadn't inhabited it for a couple of years before then. Aladdin bedspread. I hadn't been able to give that thing up, even when in high school. It wasn't like I had anyone to impress, you know? Only Riku, and though he poked fun at me a few times for it, he mostly left me alone.

Empty desk. Empty closet. I guess most of my old things are in the attic.

Shrugging, I turn to Riku. "She said to clean up before dinner."

Grinning, he slides a hand over my rear end and uses it to push me into him. His teeth find my ear and nibble, and a small shiver passes through me as I tilt my head into it. He's always been extremely good with his mouth. Already, I'm thinking about it on other places. Mmm. "It was permission to take a shower together, right?"

"Well—not exactly—but… she never said we couldn't…" I hedge, hoping to get more bribes.

His tongue curls around the shell of my ear. My breath hitches, and my hands clench into his shirt. His palms settle over my hips. He presses into me, and his hope at the possible future situation is a hard spot against my stomach. I put my head on his chest and bat my lashes up at him innocently enough.

"Riiiikuuu. What are you doing?"

"Don't play coy." He grips my wrist and is already hauling me down the hallway. "Come on. I know exactly where the towels are."

"Better hope she didn't move them," I tease.

Anticipation is a hot knot in my stomach. It's giving me a thrill that Riku still wants me. I don't know what I expect after everything that happened to us yesterday. Him to change his mind? Roxas to get a little more of a deeper hold on his thoughts? Either way, we're about to hit up the shower again. Yum.

-o-o-

I wake in the middle of the night to Roxas standing over me. I half-expect to see a knife in his hand, but no, there's not one. He's merely watching me, hands loose at his sides, brows lightly furrowed over his nose. I'm so tired that my eyes are already drooping again. Wind whistles past the window, and at my back, Riku stirs, his arm tightening around my waist. I'm trying to remember what the actual time is. I can't see it. Roxas is blocking the clock. For that matter, what time did I go to bed? Had to have been early. Just after dinner, I think, waving away my family and their attempts to get me to play Scrabble.

Shit. I'm really good at Scrabble, too.

But I've been so exhausted lately. It's the mental journey I've been on the last handful of days. My mind's been working in overload, maybe because it'll never get to do it again.

I open my eyes. Roxas is gone, as if he was never there.

-o-o-

I shuffle sleepily downstairs, pausing on the occasion to plant a hand against the wall and rub my eyes with the other. The staircase is in two pieces, encased by walls on the upper half when it drifts horizontally from the first part after a slight platform. When I reach the bottom, I grip onto the railing, letting it guide me. My eyes sweep over the room. They burn. I wasn't ready to be up yet, and I got out of bed anyway, so now they're tormenting me. But he's not here, either.

Where did he go?

Did I imagine him hovering over my bedside?

I'd find it creepy if I didn't know how much he loves Riku, and how much he hates me for stealing him.

Everywhere's quiet. Mom and Dad are snoozing, and if the snoring coming out from the bottom of their door is any indication, they're going to be out for a while. They've never been light sleepers. It always made it easy for Roxas and me to slip into the kitchen for snacks when we were little without being noticed. We'd become like ninjas at it, though stealth wasn't necessarily required with our parents.

A lone note drifts through the quiet, and now I know where he is.

There's a room just off the dining room. I guide myself into it. Like the rest of the house, it's dark… except for the sole candle he bothered to light, which sits on top of the grand piano he's seated at. Kind of dangerous. Am I going to tell him that? Not worth the fight. He'll just tell me he'll be careful with it and to go away before I'm ready to.

I watch the shadows of the flame flicker over the walls, briefly illuminating pictures in places. Outside the window, covered in heavy crimson draperies that match the rest of the room, snow falls. There has to be a good foot or so out there now. It's been nonstop since we arrived, and mostly heavy at that. Why, I expect in the morning we'll have about twenty-one inches, just like… just like last time…

It's so close. I can feel the end creeping in my blood, thrumming in time with my heart, reminding me that I now have less than twenty-four hours before I have to leave everyone behind because of some—stupid mistake the first time around. I still can't believe how selfish I've been. How does Riku even find it in himself to still love me? How do my parents accept me back when I've been such an ass to them? Especially my mother. God, I love her. She doesn't deserve what I put her through.

More piano notes make themselves known to the dismal air. Roxas's eyes are downcast; his hair hangs in his eyes, the gel gone from holding it in place. Did he run water through it earlier? Who knows? Again, I don't bother him with it, I just remain perched in the doorway, unsure if I should go in or leave. I followed him this far. Might as well stay until he kicks me out.

After a moment, I recognize the tune.

Have yourself… a… His fingers drift down the keys, slowly, one after the other. …merry little Christmas… let your heart… be… light…

My throat grows tight. That's his favorite Christmas song. Mom used to sing it to him all the time when he was a kid. Hell, maybe they still sing it together even now. I don't know. I haven't been around like I should be. I should have stayed his brother—shouldn't have let him push me away. Despite what he probably thinks, he needs me.

From now on… our… troubles… will be out… of… sight…

I tread over to the piano, wondering if he knows I'm here. My hands in my pockets, I stand next to it, watching first the light flicker over the gossamer-looking coating, and then letting my gaze slip to his down-turned head. I didn't notice it the other day, but his brown roots are beginning to show. He'll probably dye it again soon. He always does. Ever since we were little, he's wanted to be different. Mom's never stopped him—she's questioned why a time or two. That's the extent of it. Dad doesn't understand, though. He thinks we should be proud to be twins. He thinks we should be close.

Have yourself… a… merry little Christmas… make the yuletide… gay…

But I stole Riku. I committed an unpardonable sin.

From now on… our troubles… will be miles away…

So Roxas dresses differently. He dyes his hair blond and styles it to where his spikes bear no likeness to mine. His mannerisms were well thought out and practiced until they were what they are now. His personality doesn't closely resemble mine, and he makes sure everyone knows it. He wants nothing to do with me on the level of brotherhood. He's told me that we should be proud to be different, so no one ever confuses us—wear it like badges on our clothes.

But I know when he's sad. He knows when I cry.

Here we are… as in olden days… happy golden days… of yore…

The need to care just stopped after a while, that's all.

Faithful friends… who are dear to us… gather near to us… once… more…

I wonder who set up the battlefield, who rallied first. Me, unknowingly? Or Roxas, when he began to change so much. We used to speak at the same time—we had the same laugh. Sometimes we didn't even need to talk because we shared the same thoughts. We were like one person, unwilling to drift from each other's side, always having to go everywhere together, do everything together. Now it's so different, he's like a stranger to me. That's the point, I suppose.

Through the years… we all will be together… if the fates allow… hang a shining… star… upon the… highest bough… He draws in a breath that shudders. …and have yourself… a merry little Christmas… now…

He doesn't look up as he holds down the last key, and the sound trails off into eventual silence. Even then, he doesn't release it. We both stare down at the keyboard, our breaths held, our hearts maybe even beating in synch. I can remember one time, when we placed a hand over each other's heart and felt and waited and slowed everything down until they were in synch. It seems strange now, that we used to want to be so close. Foreign. But I won't take those days back for anything.

"You know. Don't you?"

I don't say anything. It's not because I'm trying to make my silence speak for itself. Rather—I just don't know what to say.

I do know.

He knows I know.

In a perfect world, it just doesn't need an answer.

My brother—twin, savior, destroyer—is quiet for another moment. His finger slips from the key, and he settles his hands in his lap. "…I used to be so mad at you. You had everything," he says, his voice so soft I have to strain to hear it.

I wait a moment, then slowly shake my head. "I had what you had." It's the truth, as much as anything else is. But I suppose he won't believe me, will he?

"You had Riku." His smile is as soft as his voice, and it's fleeting. By the next flicker of the candle light, it's gone. He closes his eyes. I see his throat work as he swallows and then carefully exhales. "At first, you really cherished each other. Then, as time went on, it was like you became a whole different person. You were mean—you were angry. You didn't want to talk to anybody. You clung to Riku when it mattered, but you still somehow pushed him away."

His cheeks are damp. I pretend not to see.

"You didn't appreciate him anymore. I mean… I guess the only reason you hadn't broken up with him yet was because you were so used to him being there, it wasn't worth the effort to move on."

I listen to him in silence. He wouldn't be saying this if he didn't need to rant. I can give him at least this, especially because… it's also true. The words sting, and they bite as they were intended, and I can't tell him to stop. It'd be a lie. I'm tired of lies, of lying to myself.

Roxas suddenly slams his fingers down the keys. The resulting cacophony of a melody of anger is harsh in the quiet that spread between us.

"So I took him!" he hisses, turning his face up to mine. "I took him, and I didn't care if he was still yours!" His blue irises are darker than I've seen them in a while. He's really pissed. "I wanted Riku." Betrayed? He points to his chest, and maybe he sees sympathy lingering in my gaze, because he tsks and looks away. "I wanted him. I wanted to treasure and respect him where you didn't anymore. You didn't give a shit, but I—I did!"

Also true.

It's my turn to draw in a deep breath and close my eyes.

He loves Riku.

He's always loved Riku.

"For once, I wanted him to be mine—I wanted to show him that he could be appreciated, that someone needed him. Your relationship was in pieces." He laughs humorlessly, the sound dark and a little strange coming from him. But he's upset. Sometimes that distorts the voice in unfavorable ways. "All I had to do was walk on in and grab him, and he was mine. You'd left such a mess there wasn't much I had to do to start to clean it all up."

I want to interrupt him. I don't. Pain beats through my heart into my chest, and it's a struggle not to deny everything. But it's still all so true. I don't have the right.

Something inside of me needs to listen to this. It needs to swallow down my pride and hear the words that are coming from that mouth upturned in bitterness.

These are my mistakes that my brother deems fit to lay out before me.

This is my history.

This is true.

That laugh comes from him again. It ends on a ragged breath, and I open my eyes to see him dragging his fingers through his hair. So much pain fills his voice that it hurts me to listen to it. "He was so… so loyal to you…"

I look away. If he's so loyal to me, then why—?

"It took me months to get where I was with him. And now, suddenly, all he wants is you again!" His hands slam back down against the keys. "Suddenly all he talks about is you again!" A growl of a yell, so borderline to one I briefly wonder if it'll actually wake Mom and Dad up. "What did you do? Why do you care? Why didn't you just let him be mine!"

I want to scream at him, "Because he's not yours, and he never has been!" but the words are like glue at the sides of my throat. I can't make myself say it even if I want to. It will kill him, and he doesn't deserve it. I'm dying soon, anyway.

Why fight with him?

Why tell him he's wrong?

Why tell him that it hurt that Riku hadn't wanted me anymore?

Impatience bursts from Roxas, and he slams another fist against the keys. "SAY SOMETHING TO ME!"

I flinch and shake my head as the words echo through the room and probably upstairs. There are more tears gathering in his eyes. They make mine rise to the surface, and my throat is so tight I can't breathe. We stare at each other with only the light of the candle to aid us, and it's enough. There's raw pain in both of our gazes. I feel certain that he thinks he's the worse off. I wish I could tell him differently. I wish I could let him know what I had done.

It'd be so nice to unload this burden, to let someone listen to me and tell me it'll be okay, that they forgive me.

"I don't have… the right," I say at last. I can't tell anyone. Axel made that very clear.

I'm dying.

As we speak, I'm dying.

I killed myself.

I let Riku go.

I didn't fight.

I pushed everyone away.

All so there would be peace—all so that I could rest with my own damned selfish ignorance. And now that I'm here, to fix things, I see all the pain I caused everyone, and it's almost too much to take. Would everyone be better off without me? Would they be happier? I'm just a blight—I'm just…

"What's going on?" Suspicion hedged with wariness colors Riku's voice, and I turn to find him just behind me, his eyes riveted on Roxas and me.

Roxas's smile, when I glance back at him, is bitter again, and wet again, and there's a brightness to his eyes that doesn't seem altogether very healthy, as if he's barely hanging on as it is. "Hey, Riku." The words are almost shaky. He doesn't give any indication that he notices. Normally he hates such weaknesses. "I was just telling Sora about our affair."

Oh, God.

I don't want to deal with this yet. But when would be the proper time? Never, unfortunately.

Riku's eyes are hard and equally bright as they settle on Roxas. His are a tad scarier, though. "Roxas." The name is flat and harsh to my ears, not quite a hiss, and I see my brother flinch as I had done moments ago, like Riku slapped him. Riku doesn't even have to raise his voice to make people do that. It's a nice weapon when he's seriously peeved.

"No, stop, it's—" I begin.

Roxas cuts me off. "Roxas what?" The smile notices itself up another inch. "Roxas, don't tell him, because I don't want him to leave me? Roxas, I told you from the beginning that I care about Sora more? Roxas, Sora always comes first?"

I can't do this.

"You guys settle this. I'll be in the other room." I brush past them, my heart pounding. It's one thing to know—it's another to have it suddenly splayed out in front of me in spades. This is a fight they need to have on their own. I'll pick up what's left in the aftermath, when I can better control my actions. If I stay in here now…

Riku grips my elbow. "Sora, don't—"

I shake him off and ignore the flash of hurt in his eyes. "I'm not mad, Riku. I already knew. Just—whatever… arrangement… you two come to… Let me know later."

His voice is small and unfamiliar coming from him. "You—you knew? But I—"

I squeeze his arm and get around him. Freedom. Air. It's so close, I can taste it. "Find me later."

With each step I take away from him after that, it doesn't hurt as much.

-o-o-

I want to say I never wanted either of them to hurt.

But that would be a lie.

God, what have I done?

-o-o-

What do you do when you finally acknowledge that the whole reason your life is terrible is because you made it that way?

What do you do when you open your eyes and you see that everyone is miserable because of you?

-o-o-

Shit, it's too late to fix this.

Everyone's dug in so deep.

They've fallen so far in the waves.

They'll hit the bottom soon.

I feel like I can't swim. My movements are too clumsy, too uncertain. With every league of water I manage to get through, another makes itself known to me.

Where is this end of all this?

Or does this pain just go on forever and ever?

-o-o-

Someone.

Someone, just tell me… tell me what to do.

-o-o-

Tell me how to make this right.

-o-o-

The lights are off in my bedroom. I'm staring past my window and to the balcony. I left the glass doors open enough that a chilly breeze can push against the heat of the room. It billows past my curtains on the occasion, once it's gathered up enough strength. It feels good against my flushed skin. The encounter with Roxas has shaken me to the point where I can't tell one end of anything from the other. It's all a mess. One great big mess.

That'll have to be the balcony, I think. It's the only one that'll do, won't it?

I wonder if I should just end it early. But that isn't part of the deal, and besides, I still need to "fix" things.

How could I have been so foolish as to think it would be a simple task?

I've been so blind.

-o-o-

The alarm on the nightstand reads that it's two in the morning when I finally hear the shuffle of Riku's footsteps, but I don't say anything just yet. I wonder if he'll be the one to break the silence. I hope he does. I don't trust myself to speak. Words are still lumped together in my throat, and I don't know which ones will come out first. I'm afraid they'll be the ugly ones, and that's the last thing I want with Riku right now.

We've been doing so good lately. It's been, what… two days? It feels like more, like weeks. I'll never forgive myself if I ruin it now.

"Hey." The word is hoarse and uncertain.

"Hi," I respond. I keep my eyes on curtains. Snow dots the floor. Mom will kill me when she sees the sodden mess the carpet is becoming. It's easier to imagine how that conversation is going to go than to focus on the one that's about to happen with Riku.

"Are we…?"

I work my throat into a swallow. My breath rasps out. Good. I can talk now without my voice cracking. "…Still together?" I finish for him. It's probably not when he's been planning to say. Oh, well. It needs to be addressed sooner or later, so why not now? It's not as if I have time to beat around the bush anymore. You'vebeensostupidstupidstupid…

Please forgive me when this is all over, I think at him, willing with all my might for him to hear me. Of course he doesn't. Please don't hate the memory of me.

His silence is long, and it's profound enough that I start to rise into a sitting position, my heart clenched with dread. He's in the doorframe, his eyes on the floor, his hands tucked into his pockets. Maybe he's decided he wants Roxas, after all. It'd be for the best. Less of a mess for everyone to clean when I'm gone, as Roxas has and will put it. They can be happy, and I can live out my final day content in the knowledge that Riku really is better off without me…

"Yeah…"

"Do you want to be?"

Riku's eyes flick up to mine, searching them. I let him, keeping my expression calm and on neutral territory, a sad smile on my mouth. Inside my heart is racing again. I hope it doesn't show. I don't want him to know how nervous I suddenly am. That would defeat the whole point of letting him choose on his own. And haven't I told Axel again and again that I'm not going to be selfish enough to yank Riku back?

You already have, a voice wheedles at my ear.

But it's different. He came to me. I let him. I…

Though I'll be gone in a day, I find myself hoping that he won't… give up on me just yet…

My thoughts flash back to yesterday. Lying on the bed, my fingers skittering across his arm—the shower, as we make love. The giggles before that, as we undress one another. The silence of the evening, my arms wrapped around his shoulders as we both watch the TV without really seeing it.

I don't want to lose him, and God, I know it's selfish, but even though I have almost an entire day and nothing more, I can't bear the thought. It hurt so much the first time, when I thought him gone from me forever. I don't want to experience that again, and I don't know if I can. I want to know I've done enough, that I've started to repair the disaster that became our relationship. Though it'll all topple over again on the beginning of Christmas Eve—though the mess will spread farther and deeper than anything I've ever done before—

Can't we at least have this brief happiness together?

Does it have to be tainted, soiled?

Does it have to go away?

"I love you," he whispers.

And just like that, all the grief and the mounting fear and the hurt and the anger that is thriving in my heart lessen.

He closes his eyes. "…I did something unforgiveable, Sora. It's okay to hate me for it. If you don't want to be together anymore…"

"Stop." The word's strangled. I can't manage anything more. "Just… just stop. Don't. I pushed you away."

"That doesn't make what I did right—"

"It doesn't," I agree. "But it doesn't mean it can't get better. It doesn't mean it can't be fixed."

Who am I to talk about fixing this?

I'll be gone in a day!

I do my best to keep my frustration down, since he'll think it's directed at him when it's not at all. "I love you," I say slowly, in no uncertain terms, so that he can better understand me. It wobbles in places, but if I'm not in an emotional state right now, he probably won't believe me. "I love you more than anything, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize what a huge—jerk I was being."

Riku's eyes hold vehement denial. "You can't help who you are," he says, and I love how… yeah, loyal he is.

But God, he doesn't know the whole truth, and since I've already been accepting it tonight, it's time to give some, too.

"I stopped taking my pills, Riku."

He grows quiet, as I knew he would.

"I threw them away," I whisper. "I knew you counted them, and I threw them away. I didn't want to deal with it. I—I wanted to be unhappy. I didn't care about anyone—I didn't even care about myself." It's so hard to get that out, and for a moment I don't think I can bear to continue. It's a familiar feeling. I force myself to, anyway. He needs to hear this, as much as I needed to hear what Roxas had spouted at me. "I resented you for being there for me when I just wanted to be left alone."

"Sora, I—" So helpless again.

"No, Riku. Listen." I scrub my hands quickly over my eyes and gulp in a deep breath. It's a moment before I can go on. I don't think I've ever been so honest with him before, not for a single moment in our lives. "…You were always there for me, in every way you could be. In every way I allowed you to be. What happened between us? That's my fault."

He sinks down on the bed beside me, and his hand covers mine. "Sora—I should have… fought harder or something. I shouldn't have let you deal with all of that alone."

A noble cause.

"It wouldn't have mattered." God, could this cut me to say it any less? Maybe it's part of my punishment. It's certainly divine enough. "I swear to you, Riku—whatever you tried to do to help me or our relationship wouldn't have mattered. I wanted to be that way, so I was."

His eyes lower.

"… I just—I've just… finally woken up." I take the deepest breath I can and let it out in increments. "I've seen what I've done to everyone, even to you. It took… a lot… for me to get to this place. And if you don't… want to—if it's too late… if you want to patch things up, if you love Roxas and want to be with him, then let me know. Just—tell me. I won't blame you. I promise. I love you, Riku, and I want… I just want you to finally be happy."

He's so quiet, so so so quiet. I swear I can hear my heart beating.

I lay my hand against his shoulder, almost afraid to touch him for fear that now he'll brush me away. "I don't want you to hurt anymore…"

"I only hurt because I thought I lost you." He lifts his head to look at me, searching again. "Have I?"

I shake my head, closing my eyes.

"Come here." He takes me into his arms then. He pushes my forehead against his shoulder, and then his nose dips to bury itself in my hair. Even with the chill lingering in from the outside, I don't think I've ever felt so warm.