Disclaimer: I do not own Square Enix's Kingdom Hearts, nor am I making any money off this fanfiction.
-o-o-
A Careful Remedy
Chapter Six
The Last Day to Live
-o-o-
Riku is curled up in bed. Our bed. The lights are off, and the covers are pushed down to his feet. He's lying on one side, my spot empty. His eyes look wet. I think idly that I've never seen Riku cry before. At least, not in a good, long time. He's not even going to cry at my funeral, after all. Or, at least, he didn't the first time around.
He's looking intently at his phone, and after a moment, a voice breaks out into the silence.
"Hey, it's Sora. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. If you'll just leave your—hey ,Riku, stop tickling me!" Laughter, fresh and young and from so many years ago. "…call you b-back… bye!"
I've had that voice message for years, primarily because I've had the same exact phone for years. I never bothered to change it. I hate the phone, hate speaking on it if I can avoid it. Over time, I've grown to hate everything.
Riku sniffles. His tongue runs across his upper lip. His cheeks are shining, and his lashes are damp. Slowly, he presses a trembling finger against a button. Seconds pass.
"Hey, it's Sora. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now…"
It continues on like this for some time. I lose track. All I know by the end of it is that I want it to stop, to go away. Why am I being tortured like this? Why do I have to suffer with him? I know what I did was wrong—I know I shouldn't have killed myself when there was still so much to live for if only I had taken the time to fix it…
I know that, I know that!
So then why—why this?
Why torment me with images of what's going to be?
Why linger in a world that won't be mine?
Will it be like this forever? Is this my personal preview of the hell that awaits me?
I'm scared. I've been scared, this whole time, but there's only one day left. Only one day—
One… single… day…
"Hey, it's Sora. Sorry I can't…"
My throat feels raw. It's the first thing I notice. The second is the screaming. It's loud and piercing and it won't stop.
And it's coming from me.
"Sora—Sora!" Hands land on my shoulders, shaking me hard. If I wasn't already senseless, I would quickly become so. My head snaps back on my shoulders as I'm lifted, and past strands of silver hair I open my eyes to see green ones blazing into mine. But they're not Riku's—they belong to the person lingering over him, the person he doesn't even notice.
The person with a cat's smile.
I lunge. It's illogical, hopeless, and I do it, anyway. Axel vaporizes, reappearing a second later behind me as I whirl for him, already searching. He holds up a hand, and I stare at him, breathing wildly, each inhale and exhale the sound of a hurricane on the horizon.
"WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yell at him. It's only at that moment that I feel how damp my cheeks are.
"Careful, Sora…" he warns. His index finger wags back and forth. "Remember who you're speaking to—and what'll happen if you say too much…" His eyes narrow. "I'm sure you want to enjoy those last precious hours with your man."
My fists clench. I want to rend him limb from limb. "Why?" I demand again. My throat is thick with my tears. Riku looks bewildered, suddenly realizing I'm not speaking to him at all. He hesitates, backs up a step, then comes forward. He touches me, tries to get me to face him.
"Sora… Sora—what's wrong? Look at me—you're awake now…"
"Why what?" Axel draws out the word.
I shake Riku off and advance. Axel doesn't budge an inch, and I halt a foot away from him, wary of getting too close. The man is death, and even in my frenzied state, I can feel it from here. That otherworldliness that speaks of the grave.
"Why show me what you show me? What's the point of it? To make me suffer more?"
Axel calmly studies his nails, encased in black leather though they are. "Hey, kid, you're the one who off'd yourself. Don't come cryin' to me about it."
I growl, angry, no, livid—at the world, at my situation, at him. I want to murder him. The fact is, I can't. So I try to deal with that instead. I whip around, put my fists to my eyes, and I struggle to breathe. In, out. In, out. That's it, Sora. Easy peasy.
Except it's not. It's not at all.
I'm shaking, and I can't make it stop. How many hours do I have left? I whirl back to the nightstand. Axel's gone, but at least I can see the alarm. My heart seizes in my chest when I see that it's half past noon. What the hell? How had we slept in so late? Why had no one woken us up? Half my day is already gone…
Riku approaches me again, much more cautiously. As I slip to my knees, unseeing, the green digits on the clock becoming nothing more than a blur, he puts his hand back on my shoulder. I barely feel it.
Do I have to jump? I think. What will happen if I don't?
Axel will take all those new days I just gained, and it will all be for nothing.
"Sora… you're white as a ghost… c'mon, tell me what's wrong…" Warm fingers slide around my cheek to guide my head to the left. I meet Riku's green eyes, and the lump in my throat swells. To my dismay, tears dot my lashes, a hot film over my eyes. I want to tell him everything so badly I ache with it. And I can't.
"Bad reaction to my medicine," I say, my voice thick. "I'm sorry. I was half-asleep… I don't—I don't know what's wrong…" Lies on top of lies. I hate that I have to say them. I've never liked lying to Riku. I've always avoided it. Yet the truth has to remain elusive for now… for forever. He'll never know all of it, and that pains me more.
His fingers soothe through my hair. His eyes are full of worry. "Do you need me to call your doctor for you?"
I shake my head. "No…" I take his hand in mine and squeeze his fingers. I just want to touch him, to know he's there, to get what I can. I've got less than twelve hours left. I want to spend them with him as much as possible. "It's two days away from Christmas. He's got enough problems. We just got here, too… I—let's wait it out…"
"Are you sure?" I can see that he wants to press this, that he wants to call my doctor up.
"Positive." I lean over, kissing him, knowing he'll taste the salt of my tears. "I love you. I'm fine. Okay?"
"Okay…" he says, clearly not believing me. I know he'll be keeping a careful watch on me from now on. I can't afford to slip up again. Not that it will really matter if he calls the doctor—I just don't want that cloud hovering over us for our remaining hours together.
Downstairs, a melody suddenly rings up through the house from the piano. It's Roxas, I just know it. He always used to wake me up like this when we lived together here with our parents. It was his favorite way—still is, although maybe that has more to do with bitterness this time. Had he heard me yelling and assumed it was us fighting?
Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing, ring-ting-tingle-ing, too…
"Someone is in top form today," Riku observes. The last traces of hesitance slip from his face, and he gets to feet. I take his offered hand and join him. We stand facing one another.
"Yeah… looks like he's not going to be on good terms with us today." What did we expect? Really?
"Yeah," Riku agrees. He heads over to the closet where he's hung up his clothes and pulls a soft cream sweater free. I follow his cue and dig through my luggage, which I haven't bothered to unpack, in search of a shirt that's not too wrinkled. A minute later, I produce a solid blue one that Riku made me buy ages ago.
"I like that one," he says now. "It looks good on you."
I stick out my tongue. "You snuck this in here. I didn't pack this."
He smiles guilelessly and pulls on his pants. "Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. We should hurry up, though. Any minute, and your mom's going to—"
"Sooooraaaa!"
Riku winces as Mom's voice rises over the racket of the cheerful piano notes. Roxas hasn't let up yet, and he likely won't until lunch is put on the table. It's almost as bad as Mom's pitch. We still don't know how she does that. She's got the vocal chords of a kraken. Believe me, it's even worse when you're in trouble with her. Beware then. Your eardrums might just pop.
"That'd be our cue to get down to lu—"
"IT'S TIME FOR LLLLLLLLLUUUUUUNNNNNNCHHHHHHH!"
His wrist rolls forward, and he gives a small bow of his head as I giggle. "Thank you, thank you," he murmurs. "I'll be here all week." With a sigh, he puts his fingers in his hair and keeps them there, shooting a dirty look toward the door. I wonder if he's just glad that that wasn't his wake-up call. Not that he had a much better one…
"You know, I don't know how they slept through the piano the night before," I say as merrily as I can. What I really want to do is growl, stalk down the stairs, find Roxas, and put him and the piano through the nearest wall. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. "It's so loud, isn't it? I guess this is what parents like to call selective hearing, except this time it's in reverse."
"A bomb squad could come here, and they'd snore right through it."
Well, Dad would. Mom doesn't snore—but the only way she can even get through that racket is by having the ability to sleep through anything, so… it works out for them, doesn't it? I don't think I've ever seen Dad sleeping on the couch unless they've had a fight about something, and those are pretty rare as it is.
"Or the world could be ending," I add. "Like on 2012."
"The movie, or the year?"
"Movie," I affirm.
Riku pauses to consider this, his sleeves pushed up to his elbows. Then he nods and sits on the bed to pull on his socks. "Yup, I think you're on to something there."
After dressing, we both amble into the bathroom to brush our teeth and our hair. Let me make a correction. Riku's going to brush his hair, probably pull it into a ponytail. Me? I'm going to wrestle with mine, tug a brush and a comb through it, probably break off a few bristles and teeth, and then sigh in defeat, slop some water over my fingers and finger brush it.
His hair neatly out of the way while I'm still fighting with the brush, Riku pops open his can of shaving cream. He flicks on the faucet, smoothes the cream on his cheeks liberally, and readies his razor. He's got way more stubble than me. I can probably get away with mine until tomorrow morning before Mom says anything, and then—
My heart falters, and I remember that there won't be another morning for me.
How easy it was, just to get lost in old habits for those few minutes…
"What's wrong?" Riku taps his razor against the sink, freeing some hairs. He runs it under the water and lifts it back to his face. Half of the cream is gone to leave smooth, pale skin.
"Nothing," I mutter.
He bumps shoulders with me. "It's not nothing."
"It is nothing." I force my mouth into a grin. I'm getting good at it now. I'm almost convincing. "See?"
"Anyone ever tell you that grin is terrible?" Snorting with amusement, Riku lifts the blue teeth out of my hair. "Looks like you're going to need to replace that comb."
I sigh at the sight of them and snatch them back. "Damn it."
-o-o-
"I'll be home for Christmas," my mother is singing as she loads pancakes onto a giant plate. Looks as though we're having breakfast for lunch. "You can count on me…"
"Please have snow and mistletoe and presents by the tree," my father sings quickly, and he leans in behind her to drop a kiss on her cheek. She giggles, her shoulder rising into it, before lightly swatting him on the arm with her spatula. The tip is covered in pancake batter and leaves smears on his sweater. He mock growls at her and swoops her up into a real kiss. It's sickening in a sweet way.
Riku and I make the obligatory fake barf noises, and my mother flips her hand at me to get me to shush. Giggling myself, I fall into a seat at the table, and Riku follows suit. The table is already set with festive plates and glasses. Jugs of orange juice and milk sit within reach, and I pour myself some of the former.
"How do you want your eggs, Sora?" Mom asks from the stove, now that Dad has finally set her down and smoothed out her apron and skirt.
"Over-medium," I reply dutifully. My stomach rumbles in anticipation. This is the second meal I'll have had from my mother in five years, and she has the best cooking. Riku is good, too, in his own way, but he's got nothing on Mom, I'm afraid.
"Riku?" she chirps.
"Same." He finishes topping off his glass with milk and sets it aside. "I don't suppose there's a chance that this is skim," he mutters to me.
"Nope. You know better than that," I laugh. His face darkens as he sighs, and I nudge shoulders with him. "Your physique will manage for one day, Riku," I say, purposefully drawing out the syllables of his name.
He pats his stomach and shakes his head. "I'll know it's there."
Roxas is still banging away on the piano. Mom shouts his name, looking more annoyed now. She's been summoning him for the last five minutes and he's steadfastly ignored her. Dad's debated on whether or not he can hear her over that racket, but I know he's just in a pissy mood and trying to avoid everyone while at the same time annoying the shit out of them.
"At least it's festive, Mom," I offer.
She rolls her eyes. "Let me go get him…"
Dad stays her with a hand on her shoulder. "Don't pressure him, sweetie. He'll just get more annoyed."
Beside me, Riku shifts. I glance up to see his eyes in the direction of Roxas, concern pulling his brows together. My heart twists at that. A sting of jealousy stirs, and I do my best to ignore it. Riku's not going to forget Roxas overnight. Things aren't that simple. I know that. In a perverse way, I don't want him to forget Roxas, anyway. I'll be gone soon.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, tis the season to be jolly…
"Look at him, so eager to go comfort his former lover," a voice coos in my ear, and it's not Riku. It's not Dad or Mom. I know who it is without even having to turn around. In an effort to ignore him, I stay rooted firmly in my seat, and I place my hand on Riku's forearm.
I can't afford to cause another scene.
"Riku, it's okay. You can check on him."
I feel Riku hesitate. Tension gathers in his arm. But, after a moment, it leaves him, his shoulders relaxing, and he gives a small shake of his head. His eyes return to me, and he offers a half-smile. I raise my eyebrows in question.
"I don't want to," he whispers for my ears only. "That's not my place." He rests his forehead lightly on mine, and I feel my heart skip a beat despite all the years between us. A faint smile touches my lips in return.
"That, or he doesn't want to deal with a temper tantrum," Axel hisses. "He knows if he goes in there, Roxas will start sobbing about how he can't have his precious Riku, and then the cat's out of the bag, as they say." A hand lands on my shoulder, and goosebumps rise clear on my skin. I can't stifle a shiver.
"Cold?" Riku murmurs, and he rubs my arm to warm it up.
"Yeah, there must be a draft or something." I shrug and give him a quick peck on the lips. Once, long ago, I wouldn't have dared. I'd been too afraid of my mother, and what she would have to say. And maybe now, without my death looming in the evening, if I had managed to get this far without something tragic having to happen, I still would be afraid of her response.
But when I glance over at her, there's only a wistful smile on her face. Her eyes catch mine, and she flushes and returns to the eggs before they burn. Suddenly, my heart aches. Why had I read too much into her response at the time? She'd only been surprised…
How much had it hurt her to keep her locked out of my heart?
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire," my dad suddenly sings loudly in his baritone, bellying the piano. "Jack Frost nipping at your nose…"
"Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, and folks dressed up like Eskimos," I add, softly, a little off-key. I haven't sung in so long. We used to go caroling all the time, when I was younger. First for church, and then on our own sometimes, too.
"Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright," Riku sings lightly, hesitantly. I don't even think I've ever heard him sing before, but a furtive glance from him warns me not to giggle.
"Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow will find it hard to sleep tonight," Mom finishes in her soprano. She slides the last of the fried eggs onto a plate, and then prepares to scramble some others. Those are for Roxas. He hates fried eggs. "They know that Santa's on his way… he's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh… and every mother's child is gonna spy to see if reindeer really know how to fly…"
And so I'm offering this simple phrase—for kids from one to ninety-two… although it's been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you… I finish silently in my head as she trails off.
Roxas starts on a new song, and Mom loses all patience. Handing the spatula over to Dad, she stalks out of the room and wipes her hands on her apron. Riku and I exchange a glance, and when I look back over my shoulder, it's to see that Axel isn't there at all. Why does he keep dropping in like that today? It's gotten a lot more frequent…
"Merry Christmas to you," I breathe to no one.
"Mmm? You say something?" Riku murmurs.
"Nope," I whisper.
The music stops abruptly. Dad finishes up on the stove, scooping Roxas's share of eggs onto his plate, and then drags over fat pieces of ham. It's a wonder I'm skinny. It's a wonder we all are. On Mom's cooking, we should be fat cows by now.
"I don't know what's wrong with you," Mom is saying tersely to my twin, "but you need to knock it off. I'm not going to have you ruin today. Now sit down. Lunch will be ready in a minute."
Roxas seats himself across from us, his eyes downcast, sullen. My heart aches for him despite everything that's happened. What does Riku feel? It's even worse for him. Does he feel torn between the two of us?
His hand settles on my knee beneath the table. "You haven't lost your touch on the piano," he offers to Roxas.
Roxas's blue eyes dart up and then narrow. Suspicion colors his face. He says nothing, though, his lips compressed. He's hurting, and it's worse now because he has to sit across from us and watch us be together while he's left out yet again, and it's infinitely more painful now than it's ever been before.
The ham is done a handful of minutes later, and the stove is shut off. Mom and Dad bring the two plates over to the table. Steaming eggs, warm pancakes. I notice that the latter are shaped like Santa heads. I grin at the sight of them.
"These are great, Mom," I say.
"You haven't even tasted them yet, Sora," she says breathlessly, pushing her bangs out of her eyes.
And without further ado, we all dig in.
-o-o-
Mom departs with Dad after lunch is finished and everything is cleaned up. She claims she has some last minute shopping to do. I know it's because of my unexpected appearance with Riku. I worry for the presents I haven't gotten her. Coming here wasn't a spontaneous decision; however, I'd just had so many things on my mind…
"I'll go, too," Riku says after they've left. "You want to come, or do you want me to find something for her on my own?" He knows how I hate shopping in huge crowds. He hates it, too, but I hate it more.
Grateful he's read my mind, I smile up at him from the bed. I'm positioned on the edge of it, and he's already pulling on his coat, his scarf in place. "I should probably work on my story." I know I should go with him, to spend as much time as I can with him before it's up, but Riku isn't the only reason I let Axel reset time.
"You're such a workaholic," he jokes. He bends in to kiss me, and he lingers. I hum, gripping onto his sweater. His fingers glide through my hair. Regretfully, he pulls away, and I wave good-bye. I even pull open my laptop, seated beside me, to appear convincing. Taking that as his cue, he departs.
I wait until the front door's shut behind him before closing my laptop and climbing to my feet to go and find my brother. I get halfway there when my phone rings. I halt, torn. No one ever calls me anymore. They don't want to deal with Sora McCrabby. It could be my boss. I should probably answer it. Indecision wars within me.
Finally, I lunge back to my nightstand and get it on the last ring. "'Lo?" I pant.
"Sora?" The familiar voice lets me know it's Squall.
Awh, man. Work related. "Hey, man, what's up?" I force myself to chirp. Where is Roxas, and how am I going to corner him without him brushing me off?
"Have you made any progress on your story? Rinoa says you like follow-ups periodically."
"We just talked yesterday," I said, distracted now, and pull my attention back to Squall. "I gave you my outline."
In the background, I hear typing. "Rinoa is pregnant," he says. "These sort of things don't matter to her right now. I promised I'd give you a call."
Well, that makes sense. Sort of. I've never been around a pregnant woman to know how one acts, but I can imagine. "Okay—but I don't think I'm working on anything until after Christmas," I say. "I need a vacation."
He chuckles. The sound of it is actually very nice, startling me. "On average, you pump out four novels a year. I suppose I can give you a couple of days to rest. Happy Holidays, Sora."
"You, too," I reply, and we hang up. I toss the phone at the bed without another glance and finish my escape from my bedroom.
-o-o-
Locating Roxas is harder than it seems. He's not downstairs anymore. Nor is he in his bedroom back upstairs. For a moment, I stand in the outside hallway, confused, my brows furrowed. Where would he be? He hates the cold, but after a moment, I venture downstairs again to the kitchen. From there, I clomp down into the mudroom and head into the back yard.
Snow is falling in gentle white sheets. I shiver instantly and cuddle my arms around myself for warmth. I left my jacket inside like an idiot. My eyes scan the area, taking in the few trees here and there and the sea of white. There's footprints from visiting family the day before, and they're mostly all covered up now—nothing fresh.
I frown. Did he just leave and I hadn't known it?
"Lookin' for Roxy?"
I whip around. Axel smiles at me straight in my face, and I stumble back and nearly fall flat on my ass. Fuck. Had that really been necessary? I glare at him and right myself, dusting snow off my pants before it can soak in. Is he having fun, continuously encroaching on my personal space?
"Don't call him that," I say. It reminds me too much of…
"Still being sensitive? I thought we'd moved beyond all that." Death waves a hand, his lips still stretched in a broad grin.
"Look, what do you want? Don't you have better things to be doing?" I say gruffly. "Like, you know, visiting people who actually haven't died yet?"
"I can be in hundreds of different places at once," he says offhandedly, almost as though it's nothing at all, nothing special, to be omnipresent. "Otherwise I wouldn't be very good at my job, would I? Now, Sora—listen, there's something you should know…"
I'm growing irritated. I have maybe ten hours left of my "life," and he's hassling me! What's the point of this? Is he afraid I'm going to bail out? "What is there that you haven't told me already?" I clench my hands into fists at my sides. "I'm going to die on Christmas Eve? Got it. I can't tell anyone about my plight? Got it. If I try to avoid dying—" I trail off here, rather abruptly—but it's because Axel vanishes, and I'm too surprised to finish. My voice just dies into nothing. Seconds later, Roxas appears by the door to the mudroom, one hand on the frame.
"Who are you talking to?" he asks suspiciously, and I don't miss the odd look he throws my way.
My throat grows dry. How much has he heard? Nothing incriminating. Axel, thankfully, vanished before I could say anything that would jeopardize the whole situation. Unfortunately, Roxas hasn't let up from his suspicious stare, and it's making me uneasy. I shift my weight from one foot to the other, then cut my eyes away.
"No one," I say.
My twin folds his arms. "Don't lie to me, Sora. You've been acting really weird lately. First, you get all lovey-dovey with Riku again, then you come here for Christmas to make up with Mom and Dad after totally not saying a word to them for five years, and now you're out here talking to yourself…" He narrows his eyes. "What's up with that, huh? What's going on?"
"Nothing." I can't look at him. It's too painful. Surprisingly, there hadn't been anything too biting in his words—just dully stated facts, like he was growing tired of thinking about the whole thing and just wanted to pretend it had never happened. I wish it was that easy for me. I would gladly take the same road if I could.
"Knock it off, Sora. C'mon. Why the sudden interest in Riku?"
Now I'm irritated again. All the anger lingering around me from Axel's off and on appearances swings forward with a vengeance. It has to go somewhere. It can only be held back for so long, and it's been mounting for the last four days.
"Does it matter?" I snap at him. I came out here to talk to him, about this very subject in fact, yet it's not going the way I want it to at all. "He's my boyfriend. I love him. What is it any concern to you what I—" No, no, no. This is the old Sora. This is not the new and improved Sora. This is not—
Roxas sneers. He actually sneers at me. I've never seen him look so disgusted, and it's devastating. I can handle anything he throws at me. Not wanting to be my twin anymore—not wanting to be close anymore—but disgust, taking my lover from me… those are things that cut me the most. I don't need his approval. But I shouldn't be repulsive, either. We're blood. Flesh and blood. The only difference on our bodies is our damn finger prints.
"Yeah, figures," he says. "There's the old Sora we all know and love."
Part of me wants to backhand him for being such a little shit. He stole Riku from me—and he didn't even wait until we weren't together anymore to—
"We never slept together, you know," he carries on. "Everything else, but sex is where he drew the line." Pain fills Roxas's face now, and it's his turn to look away. His sneer curves into a rueful smile edged in bitterness. "He loves you too much. He couldn't betray you like that. But finally he seemed like he was caving. And then you—" He lets out a harsh breath, and it clouds the air.
"I love him," I say thickly, my eyes wet. Where has my anger from moments ago gone? It was so ready to be let out. Now it's all but vanished, just like Axel's trick. Almost as good, too. The resentment is hardly there anymore. "I'm sorry. I know you love him, too. But he wants me more, Roxas."
Color floods his cheeks, and I can see it even from here. "That's not—"
"I would give him to you if I could," I choke. God, this isn't manly at all. I've shed so many damn tears lately. I'm such a baby. I can accept it. I can swallow my pride for this. "I would. I was prepared to. I gave him a choice."
"No, you—"
"Yes, I did." I take a step forward. All of me is shaking, down to the very marrow of my bones. "And if anything ever happened to me, I would want you two to be together, I'd want you to be happy together, I wouldn't stop it. But I'm here now, and I love him. Is that so wrong? He chose me, Roxas. I'm sorry."
Roxas grits his teeth. He steps out into the snow with me. He, too, does not have a jacket on, and he hasn't donned his skull cap, either. He's as vulnerable to the elements as I am. "Stop it. I don't want your pity!"
"It's not pity." I can taste salt on my lips. "I'm being honest with you. You're my brother, and I love you."
"You would give him to me?" Roxas shakes his head furiously, and his hands curl into fists. He lowers his head, his eyes squeezed shut. "That's not true, and it never has been! You've always hogged him, right from the very beginning! Even though I was the one who found him first, even though I—"
"He's his own person, Roxas." I try to stay calm in the outlash of his anger, but it's so hard. "He has to choose who he wants, regardless of who he met first. I know you think I stole him—"
"You did!" Roxas snaps.
"I didn't!" I counter hoarsely. I have to believe in that. I didn't before—I thought I'd stolen him, too. Most of my life, I've known that Roxas resented me for it. But all I ever did was be myself. I never set out to try and make Riku like me more. I'm not that kind of person. Roxas likes to believe it of me, and it's simply not true.
And there's no easy way to tell him that. It will come out cruel, no matter how I say it. Besides, I already have. Riku likes me more. I can't state it any plainer than that—and still Roxas ignores me.
"I know you love him," I say. "I do."
"You don't!" Roxas says fiercely. "You have no idea how much I—"
"I know more than you think!" I would rather die than have to live without him—than have to deal with the thought of him loving someone more than me. I had died. I couldn't bear it. I can't be without him. That's as true now as it was four days ago.
"Just quit it, Sora! If you knew, you would have let him go!"
"If you knew, you would know that I can't!" We're nearly nose to nose now. Roxas is furious, I'm desperately sad. I realize suddenly that I can never make him understand—it's not a waste of time, because I tried. But… he'll never get it. He can't. He's got too much of that bitterness built up.
"I'm sorry," I breathe. My voice has fallen to nothing more than a whisper.
"I said stop it!" He whips away now, putting his back to me. He's already storming back inside the house. "I don't want your pity, Sora. I never have."
"I'm sorry," I say again, more loudly.
He keeps walking. He doesn't want to hear anymore.
I follow him, stumbling over my steps. My hands land on his shoulders. "Roxas, listen to me—I am sorry—"
He pushes my hands away.
"Roxas, please—just listen to me—"
"I have nothing to say to you!" he yells. He shoves, and I stumble again. I'm back up almost instantly, gripping onto the front of his shoulders this time and pulling him close.
"Stop it—Roxas, stop being like this—" I can't expect him to understand. I know this. He never will, I guess. Why should he? But I… Is everything completely ruined? Is nothing fixable? I knew when this started out that it wouldn't be easy… I even knew that it likely wouldn't change, in the end… four days, as I've said before—it isn't enough to do hardly anything… But I repaired things so easily with Riku. Maybe I thought that that would make it easy with Roxas, too. Of course it wouldn't be. There's so much more pain here.
"Being like what?" he shouts at me. "How do you expect me to act, Sora?"
Like you give a shit about me! I want to scream at him. "If I could want him to like someone more, it would be you! Okay? It would! No," I say, grabbing him more firmly when he starts shaking his head again. "No, okay? It would! But there isn't anything I can do about it—"
"Give him up." He shoves more firmly this time. I don't trip, though I do get the wind knocked out of me. This is the closest we've ever come to blows. Roxas and I have always been placid as brothers. There was wrestling—nothing serious.
"No," I say hoarsely. "I shouldn't have to."
"You didn't care about him!" Here, Roxas's face wrenches with actual pain. "You took advantage of him—you took for granted that he was there!"
He really doesn't understand. Not at all. Not in the least. Or maybe he doesn't want to. Maybe he knows he's wrong, but if he listened to himself, it would make it that much harder to hate me. I swallow heavily and lower my eyes, my arms.
"That's not true," I whisper.
"It is—"
"It's not," I say, more firmly. "I've loved Riku for as long as I can remember. Maybe I took for granted that he was there… but I never stopped loving him. I couldn't see the way I was behaving, I couldn't see that I was pushing him away, and I thought that he didn't love me anymore." I look away. My heart feels hollow.
"Then you're an idiot," Roxas says tightly, his voice strained. I can't look at him. I don't want to see tears in his eyes, too.
"Yeah," I agree.
He turns away again. I let him. The door slams so hard the window panes rattle. I flinch, then look out into the neighbor's yard. It's covered in a perfect layer of snow. I feel the sudden urge to go mess it up, run around in it, toss it everywhere. I stay rooted to the spot, biting my lip. My shoulders feel heavier than ever.
This isn't going to be easy. But I planted the seed. If I'm not here, I want the two of you to be happy together. Not exactly what I said, though mostly so. He'll just have to take me at my word for it. He's got a waiting time of less than ten hours. Hardly anything at all, in the grand scheme of things.
God.
I really am sorry, Roxas. But you love him, too. Can't you comprehend what I'm going through? What I feel? I know your side of things. I can see why you would be absolutely furious with me. But I think you know in your heart that this isn't my fault. You treaded where you shouldn't have. You committed adultery. No matter what the reasons, most would call that unforgivable. But you're my brother. I can't hate you. I wanted to. At first. When I jumped, when I died. I wanted to hate you so very badly. Riku more. Things have changed since then. Yes, part of it was my fault—not all of it. I see that, I understand it. Not all of it.
I hope Riku hurries back soon. I really need to hold him. I need to feel alive while I still have the chance.
This is my last day to live, and it's already halfway over. I've got to do what I can.