A/n: my favorite chapter^^ Hope you'll like it too. And review.
I'm glad now I have time for translating and writing my own fanfic (Behind the Scenes, for those of you who don't know about it), spring is the best season for inspiration!
Chapter XV
Chapter Fifteen Summary: now it is Sasuke's turn to be tortured by remorse, reminiscences arise, and he deepens into a roaring sea of the past where there's nothing but Itachi and him
Meanwhile Sasuke kept growing, too, slowly and unnoticeably to the rest, to his parents' joy, who were proud of the genius of a son yet who desperately needed an average child as well, someone they could simply love. All the more so, after Itachi entered ANBU, he had changed, as those oddities, many weird things about him, hidden and concealed from the others before, started revealing, until father and mother stopped understanding the elder son, who, in fact, had always been somewhat distant. Right, Fugaku had paid more attention to him avoiding the small Sasuke, whom he loved so dearly but couldn't see how to behave in his presence. It was his duty, Itachi being the first-born and therefore, the heir, yet Itachi had always been a mystery to him, something far-away, incomprehensible, and recently… Fugaku started getting disappointed in him. Once having looked into the impenetrable eyes, he could hardly grasp who his offspring had become.
Sasuke had changed, too. He used to admire his brother, and it was a huge light love, whilst now there existed more than this - there was jealousy. Itachi seemed unreachable, towering so high above him, he saw nii-san as a brilliant shinobi, and, burning with jealousy, the boy longed for recognition, he didn't feel like being close anymore, instead wanting to stand on one level, wishing to hear words of praise from a content father, whispers of amazement from relatives, whereas his main goal was draw nii-san's attention and impress him. Nii-san will gaze at him with respect. However, all attempts proved futile, as Sasuke was so different from the elder, Sasuke wasn't any close to a genius.
The Academy stunned him – Sasuke, ever a Mama's boy, a family child, had to face a mob of shouting, rioting, noisy people who scared him. His all-time mates had been Mom, Dad and nii-san, though it was rather a rare occasion for Itachi to distract himself from studies and spend time with the younger. Sasuke kept aside unable to make friends.
Besides that, he had other grounds for worries as he noticed something wrong about his brother, Itachi seeming more thoughtful, more despondent, more obscure, as though infinite tiredness fell upon his shoulders together with permanent pres from his father.
The apogee of it happened during their conversation on the porch at sunset, after Sasuke brought the record book for the first time.
- Do you… not like me? – nii-san asked
Sasuke's initial will was retort, say how he loved Itachi yet the nasty feeling came back again, and the boy gave no reply – Itachi was right.
Nii-san had told him a lot. Nii-san added, they were no ordinary brothers, that the one who reached the top, crossed the boundaries and rose above all would forever be destined for loneliness and hate, that he was the very limit Sasuke had to overcome. Sasuke had failed to see the meaning of the words – it would take him many-many years until he began taking the hint.
- To overcome our boundaries we must live side by side, even if it supposes hatred, that is what it is, to be an elder brother
Even if it's hatred… while saying this, the raven-haired guy smiled, tenderly, lightly.
This very smile turned into yet another Sasuke's nightmare.
That's what it is, to be an elder brother…
***
On the night the Uchihas were eliminated, Sasuke's life has changed. A loner by nature, he always avoided people of the same age, yet after the incident he went into his shell. The well-fed don't understand the hungry – happy children who knew no grief nor terror couldn't possibly become his friends, the only survivor of the clan. The one who might have understood was a blond-haired blue-eyed rowdy with stripes on his cheeks, although the seven-year-old proved impervious to notice it. From then on, the world had shrunk to a small snippet to him where there was no place except for the two of them, Itachi and him, from then on, all his life, his existence has been directed towards killing. Avenge. Surpass.
For five years he had been nurturing hatred, detest the one who has slain your parents was an easy feeling to acquire, however, loathing nii-san appeared a far more difficult aim to achieve.
Despising the one who had ordered him to murder his best friend, the one who refused an important mission to attend to a ceremony acceptance to the Academy, the arm that stroke a lethal blow to mother, the hand that gently ruffled his hair… Hating his eyes, beautiful dark eyes, marked with the curse of Mangekyou, the eyes that had stolen his elder brother.
Sasuke was a diligent student. By the time he met Itachi again, a black hatred had steeped his whole entity.
***
Sasuke remembered nearly flying up the stairs, seeing Naruto's orange coverall ahead, and beside him, a figure wrapped in a shapeless thick coat, that one stood with his back to him, and Sasuke saw nothing but his dark hair, sleek and shiny, so painfully familiar. And he kept staring, still in disbelief, before the man spoke, and Sasukefelt like punched in the guts, left him out of breath, nothing but ache in his chest.
- Long time no see… Sasuke.
Memories awoke in a flash. This voice bore memories of death; the name flew off Sasuke's lips, soaked with nothing other than wild devouring abhorrence.
A lot has changed for the past five years; Sasuke could not but notice it. Itachi has grown up. A scrawny teen had transformed into a handsome young man. Even being blinded by a mad desire for reprisal, the younger was hungrily taking in this new face, imprinting every centimeter in the depths of his conscience. Ache along with unbearable sense of helplessness came afterwards, and what was more frightening was that he kept looking at these native but strange features which he used to be so good at reading, and he spotted something that hit him harder than any jutsu or dagger.
Itachi was let down. Let down and annoyed for his foolish little brother hadn't grown any stronger, and that he was getting under his feet. Effortlessly, he threw him off, action implying no disrespect – pity rather.
- You're a bother – Itachi's words dangled in his ears. Fed up. Hindrance. Trifle. A distraction from really important things. While the toad hermit and Naruto engrossed all of his attention. Not he was his objective – the Sannin was. He did not care for Sasuke.
'Just look at me'
Weakness. Fear. Despair. Hate.
'Look at me!'
Naruto. Jiraya. Naruto…
'I am your rival! Not them!'
Then he got up, movements tough, forgetful of all techniques – his broken arm wouldn't have allowed any – moved by the sole desire – to catch the loathsome brother by his hair, make him fall to his knees, make him look up at him. At him, look at him…
It all turning to be useless in the end, though there was something he got, at last – Itachi did favor him with a look.
He beat him calmly, calmly like every time he did it in his life, in the same cool blood as when he murdered the parents with a katana. No malice. No regret. Pinched to the wall, hot breathing like flames against his cheek, somewhere deep inside, at the back of his mind, Sasuke was almost… happy. Like a spark, flashed up the recollection of a kiss at the lake, and for a moment, the boy imagined Itachi's lips on his, scorching, sizzling his skin until it turned black. He twitched, eyes half-open, meeting the other's orbs.
Tsukuyomi, God of the Moon. A beautiful God of the Moon was staring at him through Itachi's eyes – covered by a wave of animal fear, Sasuke froze.
24 hours of the 'lesson' over, the boy felt nothing except the desire for power.
There appeared something after they met, though – his hateful cursed dream. Nature, sensations, motions seemed the same, unlike his brother, who now looked older, 18 instead of 10. Once awoken, Sasuke recalled his hand touching Itachi's cheek, their lips brushing, before he would growl into the pillow, choked with angry tears, trying to get rid of a tormenting feeling, gnawing at his heart.