Five
~Aderyn~
Three days passed and not so much as a peep was heard from Brynn. He was due to leave in the morning for St. Andrews and would be gone for eight months at least; so I had heard from Henry, who had overheard my father speaking to Sir Robert as he served them their dinner the night after the knighting ceremony.
Without Brynn's presence around I found I had much more free time to do whatever else I pleased; which would have been lovely if I had any passion for being alone.
I even started to learn French and German, pouring my heart and soul into total concentration on the books Lady Catherine gave to me. I think she, and everyone else I came into contact with, could tell that this wasn't an easy time for me.
"Princess," Lady Catherine began as we both sat by the fire and read the day after the ceremony. I looked up at her and her face was taut with worry. For a moment she did not speak and nothing could be heard but the crackling of the fire. "It's not as if Brynn has died," she said. "He has a duty now and-"
"Lady Catherine, you know I listen to you in all things but just for this once I wish you would be quiet." I turned the page to Tristan and Iseult and continued reading.
She didn't bother saying another word.
With a cry of disgust I slammed the book shut and tossed it on the floor.
"Your majesty?" Lady Catherine stared after me with her mouth hanging open. I was on my feet, pacing in fury, scowling at the book.
"I can't read that garbage," I said and went to chose another piece of literature from the tall shelf that lined the wall of the small library where we sat. Lady Catherine knelt down and picked up the book, examining the cover and cradling it in her delicate hands.
"This is a beautiful book," she said and placed it gently on the table.
"It's complete nonsense," I deterred. "Tristan is an arrogant fool who only cares about his duty." I spat the last word.
"And what of Iseult?"
"She..." My voice grew soft. "She's stupid for loving him in the first place. She should have never gotten attached; not with how different they both are."
"Ah," she said and I gave up on finding a book and stared into the fire. "And you're talking about the book, are you?"
I turned and glared at her.
"That's what I thought." She heaved a big sigh. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you've got about an hour before dinner and Sir Brynn is dining with you and the king and queen. So whatever you seem to be dealing with..." She motioned to the book with both hands. "I simply suggest you do what you must to either expel your anger or contain it... lest you blow up the castle with your antics."
"What can I possibly do?"
"Talk to him. Wish him good luck. Kiss his cheek, and say goodbye. Hard times are not just a part of a serf's life, you ought to know that. Emotional pain knows no age or gender or lifestyle."
Talk to him? And what exactly would I tell him? 'I hate you and want you to leave but I love you and want you to stay'? He's my best friend; my brother, my other half. How was I going to survive each and every day without the one who makes me laugh? No, I can't talk to him. I'll just end up looking like a fool. Or worse.
"I'll muster up as much dignity as I can," I muttered. "For Brynn."
"Think of it this way then," she said, giving in to my childish pouting. "It's true that you won't see him while he's away from court. But that means Elizabeth won't as well."
A smile tugged at the corner of my lips.
"Oh, for the love of the holy Lord," she cried. "You sicken me, child."
"What?" I laughed.
"You're smiling at the pain of someone else who cares for Brynn just as much as you do!"
"That's not true. She barely knows him!"
"That's not what I meant," Lady Catherine shook her head at me.
"She's not right for him," I stated and crossed my arms.
"And who ever will be, your majesty? Brynn would shrivel up and die an old man before you would find him a suitable match and you know it's true."
"It's not true! How dare you say that about me. He's my best friend! I only want the best for him and Elizabeth is not the best, believe me. She's the next in line to take over the throne of evil once Lucinda decides to croak!"
"I'm glad he's leaving! Listen to how you talk! It's a wonder the king and queen haven't forbade you from seeing him!"
"Excuse me for having a mind of my own," I rolled my eyes. "I'll try to be more respectable and proper. And by that I mean boring and dull and completely spineless!"
"I admire your spirit, princess, I really do. Women like you are few and far between but it just frightens me that the only other woman in history that I can think of who's like you is Joan of Ark and you know what happened to her."
"I'm not leading a crusade or practicing witchcraft or bathing in the blood of my enemies," I brewed. "I'm just simply telling it like it is. There's hardly a girl my age who hasn't harbored secret hatred towards another despite if she's done anything against her or not."
"And that's the difference between our generations. My generation can hold our tongues and yours just simply can't."
"And I'm not about to change that," I said.
I had won the argument and my winning prize was her silence; something I truly appreciated at the moment.
My shoes clicked quietly against the stairs as I made my way to the dining hall for what I knew was to be an uncomfortable evening in more ways than one. I had taken Lady Catherine's advice and wore what she called the "blue beauty," a dress that brought out the blue in my eyes. It would have been a perfectly comfortable dress to wear but of course it had silvers designs littering from the waist down and around the collar and down the sleeves.
It was beautiful, yet it itched worse than any of my other dresses.
I continued to click my way down the corridors until I found myself entering the dining hall.
It has always been a favorite room of mine in the castle. The roaring fireplace was large enough for a playhouse for me when I was just a child. The ivory-colored candles that lit the room as well were scented with the tiniest hint of vanilla and it always made me feel welcome. The floor was hard as stone in most places but I the center a large, beautifully decorated, ornate rug flooded the area; of course in the center of this long rug was where the table and chairs were placed.
On the table was placed a delicious arrangement of food for tonight's dinner. From where I stood in the entrance I could see cheeses and grapes of all kinds, pies and salted pork and roasted duck it looked like. A corked bottle held what I could only imagine was the finest wine in the kingdom, for that was all that my father would tolerate.
While I very much wanted to run to the table and take my seat, I couldn't.
Because sitting there in one of the high back chairs was Brynn, staring at me.
When he saw that he had finally caught my attention he stood and bowed.
I crossed the room, looking around for any sign of my parents, until I arrived at the table. I looked up at Brynn as he stared down at me and gave him a nervous, quizzical glance.
"Where are my parents?" I voiced my concern aloud, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
"His majesties thought that perhaps you and I should talk in private. Apparently there's been some tension between us?" His expression was bemused. I took my seat and nervously nibbled on a small piece of cheese that sat on my plate.
"Talk about what?"
"Well, maybe this, perhaps," he suggested and pulled the ribbon out from somewhere under the table. He held it out to show me and the shiny fabric caught the light from the candles.
"I thought you might want to keep it as a favor from your mother on your travels." The subject was so touchy that I couldn't speak to him without using a soft tone. When I saw his jaw tighten I waited for him to speak next.
"Thank you," was all he said. I thought it was strange that he didn't offer to say anything further but when I looked in his eyes they seemed glazed over; almost tear-filled. At once I knelt on the floor beside him and took his hands in mine.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know this would hurt you." The misery in my voice must have been apparent, all signs of resentment erased from my face and mind.
"No, no," he squeezed my hands tightly for a brief moment. "It's not that. I just miss her and... I can't believe you still have this. It's been... six years."
"I knew how much she meant to you. And she meant a lot to me too. I couldn't just throw it away."
"I know you cared about her. That's why I gave you the ribbon in the first place." He laughed a little. "And now you're giving it back."
"It's something small you can keep with you always. It's perfect for your trip. A reminder of your mother, of home; a token to keep you safe while you're away."
He stood up and pulled me up with him, gently urging me to sit in my chair. This time he knelt down beside me, our hands still clasped tightly.
"You shouldn't be kneeling to me," he quickly explained and then looked me straight in the eyes. "I should have told you about Elizabeth and myself. It was wrong the way you found out about it."
"Yeah, well, you gave Lucinda the perfect chance to make me miserable," I said seriously and he frowned.
"She's still young, you know? Sixteen. And scared about me leaving," he spoke slowly like he always did when he was having trouble telling me something. I felt my entire body tense in suspicion. What does he want from me? This is not good. "I need you to do me a favor. I'm willing to beg if I have to."
I stared into his dark eyes, watching the reflection of the fire behind me flicker in his desperate gaze. How could I deny him something he was so willing to beg me for?
"What is it?"
"Watch over her?" he asked. My heart stopped and my jaw tightened. What? "She has nobody; no friends her age. I'm afraid to leave her to be torn apart by Lucinda or Marie and Mary; you know how they are. Please, Aderyn. Take care of her. Be her friend." I could not believe what I was hearing. "For me?" He added in an almost pleading voice.
It was a good thing the room was reasonably dark. I could feel my face and ears growing how, my blood reaching it's boiling point.
After everything that we have went through the past couple of days, after him finally understanding how I felt about this relationship with her, after everything... he still had the audacity to ask me for this favor? I didn't know what to say.
"Ah... I... really don't think I'm the right person for the job, Brynn," I shook my head and closed my eyes. He chewed on his lip and grew silent, scrutinizing my face as I practically shoved a huge block of cheese down my throat.
"Why not Beatrice? Or- or Ann? They'd both love to make a new friend!"
"But you wouldn't?" He sounded angry now and I immediately back-pedaled.
"I didn't say that," I said.
"It sounded implied."
"Why me?"
"Because I know I can trust you. And Elizabeth wants to stay here at the castle instead of go back to Crimshaw. And I'm sure the Earl would love it if her daughter could stay at court. Perhaps she could even lend Lady Catherine a helping hand with you now that I'll be gone." He laughed and I glared at him.
"I'm so happy you can laugh about this because I sure am having a hard time with it."
"So you won't do this one favor for me then?"
I stared up at him and then reached for my wine goblet, taking a sip without looking away from Brynn. Suddenly, I had an idea.
"I'll make you a deal. If you promise to come back, I promise to do my best to watch after... Elizabeth." I blinked a few times and averted my eyes from his for just a moment to place the goblet back on the table. When I looked back I saw a smile begin to form on his face.
"You know I can't promise anything like that," he smiled and I cringed. "But I'll try."
Well, it was better than nothing; a fair enough compromise. And now I had to try and hold up my part of the bargain that I still hadn't fully agreed to.
"You can talk to Lady Catherine yourself about agreeing to accept Elizabeth as her second. I have no control over that, really." Well, I did, but I was banking on Brynn not knowing that and apparently he didn't.
A bright smile stretched across his face and he jumped up and pulled me into a tight embrace.
It seemed so cliché that it would rain the morning Brynn left. The wind had stopped but it still didn't prevent the rain from pouring; and it fit my mood completely.
He hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek, smiling into my face for the last time before he ventured into the unknown. When he turned to Elizabeth, who already began to follow me around like a lost dog, I could hear her stifled sobs. It was nauseating how she barely knew him and yet she cried as if her eyes were waterways leading from cascading waterfalls.
As he galloped away at full speed, out of sight before he even reached the hilltop because of the rain, Elizabeth buried her face in Lady Catherine's shoulder and cried for what seemed like hours. How she could manage to make such a fuss while I stayed completely grounded was beyond me.
Lady Catherine quietly soothed her as she led her away from the barn and back into the warm castle, rubbing her shoulders and murmuring tenderly into her ear. I just stood and stared at the empty space where I had just moments before caught a glimpse of my best friend.
"Princess," Lady Catherine called to me. "The wind is picking up. I suggest we all get inside," she said and I could still hear Elizabeth sniffling.
The castle had never felt so empty to me before. Everything seemed hollow; there were dozens of rooms but there was no life to them.
I felt haunted, like someone or something was watching my every move even though I knew I was all alone.
And that's when it hit me. How much I had already begun to miss Brynn. How big of a role he played in my life. And how the reason I felt so hollow, so alone, so empty inside... was because I was being haunted by the memories that Brynn and I made and shared together within the castle walls.
These mementos of our past seemed to leap out at me from every angle; catching me by surprise around each and every corner; memories I had completely forgotten about until just now—that didn't register as something significant in my life until this very moment.
I wonder if it's anything like when your life flashes before your eyes right before you're about to die. In some twisted and morbid way, though, a part of me had just died today. But maybe I could learn to live without that part, God willing.
Right at that moment, as if God were sending me an annoying little reminder, I heard someone behind me clear their throat and turned to see Lady Catherine waiting for me.
"Perhaps you should talk to her," she said sighing. "I really haven't got a clue as to what to say to calm the poor girl."
"What could I possibly say?" I could barely speak, feeling like my tongue had swollen like cotton in my mouth; feeling a crying headache coming on although I shed no tears.
"You know Brynn better than anyone. I'm sure you can think of something," she answered and strolled passed me as I reluctantly made my way to the staircase. "I'll be up in a moment," she said rubbing her forehead. "As soon as I fix some tea for us all to help settle the nerves. God help me if I need something stronger than that." Elizabeth was already giving Lady Catherine a headache as well and some part of me felt comforted.
"Right," I muttered to myself and slowly padded up the stairs towards my own personal little hell.