These Hands Had To Let It Go Free, And…
A/N: For all intents and purposes, whatever your opinion, bubble girl is Red's daughter and not Jennifer.
Song is: This Love - Taylor Swift.
This Love Came Back To Me…
'Nothing will happen to us, my love…' she reached up kissing him softly as his arm slipped beneath her robe to circle the bare skin of her back.
He leant back, taking in the sincerity in the blue of her eyes. His thumb tracing back and forth across her skin. How did she always open him up and leave him so exposed? He'd given up pretence, given up hiding because in the face of loving her, of being loved so openly, he couldn't stand to hide from her any longer.
'Bad things only happen when we're not together, when we're fighting each other. We are different now because everything has changed.' She murmured, her hands caressing his face tenderly. He wondered if she truly believe that or whether it was something she hoped for.
'Do you really believe that?' He asked echoing his thoughts and releasing her but taking her hand pulling it up to his lips, breathing in the scent of her skin before leaving a lingering kiss.
'I think I have to because what I feel now is so utterly consuming, so profound and deep that there can't be anything wrong with it. It feels… So right.'
His throat felt thick with emotion as he stared at her.
'Everything before this felt all wrong, us fighting and you keeping things from me. Hasn't all of that changed for the better?' She spoke with a conviction he hadn't heard in a long while. He knew fighting against her had never led anywhere good - how could he have done it for six years, guilt swilled in his stomach.
'And if anyone comes for us, we'll face them together.' He pulled her against him, her hair trailing down his arm. His chest felt tight with emotion and he couldn't face her without fearing he would crack.
'I love you,' he whispered thickly, his throat tight and aching. She could feel his jaw clenching against her head. 'Sometimes so much, I wonder whether it will just consume me. Sometimes I want it to, I held back thinking it would keep you safe. Instead it just drove you away. I won't let that happen again.' He swallowed as she turned in his arms, her face turning up to his, he half wondered whether he would ever stop feeling the need to tell her how much he loved her and how wrong he had been.
'I love you too…' Her eyes were shining back, a small smile on her lips. 'Are you sure you want to bring Agnes back?' She asked then, a slight frown on her brow.
'Of course why wouldn't I?' He frowned back for a moment, watching her fleeting emotions. His hand pressed into the warmth of her bare skin.
'It would mean parenting her, taking on that role…' She bit her lip and he could see the concern on her face.
'I might worry about losing you both but that doesn't mean I don't want her in my life. I'll have you know I was a good father once.' It did sting, the knowledge that he had gone along with being her father. If she measured his past actions on whether he could be a good father to Agnes, he could she why she had cause for concern.
'I didn't think you wouldn't be…' She murmured softly, watching as he frowned.
'No, I know. I was just saying that I want that role, I want her to consider me as a parental figure, I want to raise her with you.' He confirmed with surety, his arm tighten around her as she moved up slightly.
'Do you want more children?' She was studying his face, he could feel her gaze warm on his skin like sunlight as he stared ahead.
'Do you?' He asked, throwing the question back as he looked down at her, he hadn't thought about them having children together.
'I don't know, I hadn't considered it but I think we should concentrate on Agnes for a little while and then see. I'm not opposed to it if that was something you wanted?'
'Honestly I never thought it would be something I'd be considering. You are a lot younger than me so, I wouldn't want to take that away from you, I guess I wouldn't say no either.' He looked away toward the back of the room.
'Tell me about your daughter?' She was still watching him, assessing, testing to make sure she was on even footing before even asking the question. He sighed, kissing her forehead and for a moment she thought he might change the subject.
'The mornings were my favourite time. Chloe would come running into our room when she woke up and we would bring her into bed with us. She had these sandy brown curls that were always so soft and she would curl up between us and chatter, sometimes about nothing in particular.' He could see her clearly, the freckles on her cheeks, the smell of her downy hair, when he would kiss her head and the feel of her small hand in his.
'Paula, my wife, would go down and start breakfast and it was my job to get her dressed and ready for the day. I loved that time. I would let her pick out what she wanted to wear and we would lay it out on the bed, sometimes I would gently persuade her if it was something utterly terrible but I'm sure she had my style…' He laughed softly, staring ahead watching the scene play out in his memory.
'She hated having her face washed so we would make a game of it and I would promise to do her hair, however she wanted. If Paula had to get her dressed sometimes she wouldn't have time and would put it in a ponytail, so it was like our thing. Chloe didn't like to be rushed.'
'Like her Dad then…' She teased gently, watching as he came back to her, his eyes filled with the deep wound of grief.
'Ha! Very funny…' His smile fading, he looked away, staring into the distance for a moment, as though he could see the bathroom in that house he had destroyed so long ago, filled with the ghosts of his dead family.
'Go on, I want to know how you did her hair?' He smiled down at her as she chewed on her toast.
'She would always pick the same, no matter how much I would try and get her to branch out. I used to sit her on the counter so she could look in the mirror and we would practice affirmations while I brushed out her hair…' Her belly dipped at the picture he was painting, seeing Agnes in the place of his daughter because she couldn't help but see her. She couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to have him teach her daughter affirmations.
'I am smart, I am brave, I am enough, I am worthy, I am beautiful…' He took a breath, his eyes glistening as he focused on the dresser.
'I would say them and she would repeat them, even before she could say the words properly.' She watched a tear slip down his cheek as tears gathered in her own eyes, a lump in her throat.
'I would brush her hair and we would say them over and over until I'd finished.' He paused, looking down, realising for the first time they were both crying. He smiled almost wistfully, reaching for her face to kiss her. Pulling back, his face close to hers, he whispered,
'When I was done, she would turn around and put her arms around my neck and kiss my cheek, she'd tell me she loved me then she'd squirm and go running off to Paula. She liked braids, two of them…' He wiped her tears away as she reached to do the same, smiling softly.
'You can braid hair…' The realisation filtered into her brain as he held her, her thumbs gently wiping away any remnants of his tears.
'Well I used to, I'm not sure I'd be that good now?'
Her eyes were suddenly alight as she pushed onto her knees. 'Practice on me? If you're going to do Agnes' hair, you'll have to start practicing.' A light shiver ran down her spine, remembering his finger against her scalp in the shower. She got up and grabbed her paddle brush from the bathroom, handing it to him as she turned away, sitting down on the bed.
'Thank you for telling me about Chloe…' She felt as though she had peaked behind the veil, like there was a secret inner sanctum that he had just allowed her admittance to. She leaned into him, her heart swelling at the thought of him as a parent. Chloe was suddenly bright with colours as though he had brought her to life in that very room. She ached with the knowledge she was no longer alive, no longer as vibrant as he had painted her. Lost to time, frozen in a horrible moment that she knew had scarred him more than the burn on his shoulder.
He paused for a moment as she leaned into him, one hand on her shoulder as she sat crossed legged on the bed. He kissed the crown of her head before taking the brush to the long strands he loved so much.
'Tell me something else?' She could feel him part her hair into three sections, trying not to lean back too much as his fingers lightly trailed over her hair. Goosebumps spread across her scalp and down her neck, her nerve endings suddenly alive under his touch.
'She was always so inquisitive about the world around her, always asking questions. I used to take her on these nature walks, teaching her about the world.' He brushed out the first section, placing it over her shoulder and doing the same with the right side before turning his attention to the middle section.
'I remember once I'd taken her out and she wanted to pick flowers for her mother. She started with dandelions and daisies, it was late spring and there were tulips and other spring flowers in flowerbeds. I had to explain to her that we couldn't pick those. She wanted to know why and how they were different. I asked her how those flowers made her feel when she saw them and she replied that they made her feel happy, with this brilliant smile on her little face.' He explained in his rumbly tone as she melted into his touch, her scalp tingling with the faint hint of his breath as he spoke.
Her hair was long and heavy and not as fiddly as the fine hair of his daughter's, he remembered braiding so long ago.
'I had to explain that those flowers were for everyone and if she picked them she would be taking away that happiness from everyone else. I thought for a moment she would pitch a fit but she scrunched up her face and told me very seriously that she didn't want to make anyone else sad and her mommy liked daisies anyway…'
He began to gather the three sections, pulling them taut as his fingers worked quickly to do one long braid down her back. She smiled and reached back, handing him a hair tie as he fixed the end, throwing the length of it over her shoulder. She felt along the braid, testing it's tightness, it felt perfect as she knew it would. He reached around her waist, pulling her against him, his legs either side of her hips. He buried his face in the crook of her neck for a moment, breathing in as though to ground himself before kissing her neck, his lips lingering against her skin. She leaned into him, her face upturned to him, watching his jaw grind.
'You okay?' She asked gently, reaching up to rest her hand against his neck.
'Mmm hmm' He looked down on her awkwardly, attempting a smile. 'I should shower and you should pack, you have stuff strewn around everywhere…' She smiled broadly but didn't take his attempt at distraction.
'It's okay if you're not…' Her eyebrows rose and he pushed her back into his awaiting arm as her body turned, her legs swinging over his legs so he was cradling her. The heavy braid fell over his arm, he stared into her eyes for a brief moment.
'I'm okay, really… It was good to remember her like that with you. I haven't thought about the good times in a long while.' His fingers inched under the robe, feeling the softness of her awaiting skin. He dipped his head towards her, kissing her slowly before pulling away.
'Now I do have to shower and you do have to pack.' He attempted to move her as she grabbed his arm, his finger poised at her hip.
'Promise me you won't change when we leave here, you won't go back to how you were before.' There was a hint of a plea in her voice as his eyes softened, fear flashing up at him.
'Nothing is changing. How could I, when I know the feel of your skin, when I know the taste of your lips. I love you and nothing is changing that.' He pushed her to sitting, sliding off the mattress so that he could stand. He reached out for the braid, pulling her into his arms.
'Maybe you should wear your hair like this more often…' He smirked, pulling on it to expose the creamy column of her neck where he nuzzled for a moment as she squirmed against him. ' Oh I have something for you…' He pulled away as she frowned for a moment. He disappeared into the closet, 'And before you say anything, I already brought it with the others garments.' He called as he came out to her scowling, with a small white box that was the same as the others had been and handed it to her.
She placed the box on the bed as he came to stand beside her, his arm snaking around her waist. Under the black tissue paper was a silk camisole in the same colour and style as the other garments he had already given her. This, had thin straps, triangular macrame cups and a fitted band under breast line. The bodice flowed out slightly and was shorter than the robe, finishing at the waistline and had macrame detailing finished at the end of the straps at the back. It had two silk covered buttons to the side of the fitted band. It was exquisitely beautiful and again she was taken by how he viewed her - the beauty of her in this garmebt and she flushed with warmth. She had gotten used to the fine material against her skin, the way it moved and flowed and it felt divine. His explanation of it, that it remind him of her hair had helped soften her but she was happy that he had listened to her objections too.
'Wear it the next time I see you, so I'll have something to look forward to…' He smiled, kissing her temple before walking away to shower, leaving her to gape after him.
She was overcome as they drove away, sinking into a quiet sadness that ached inside her. Dembe had picked them up, slowly traversing through the snow covered drive in an SUV that he had somehow found in the aftermath of a snowstorm. She had tried to fight the consuming darkness, tried to be brave but that life wasn't hers anymore. So she let the tears come, feeling like she was being driven to purgatory, away from truth and honesty and away from this version of him and back to the one that kept secrets and pushed her away. He held her hand as she stared desolately out the window, brushing his lips or thumb against her knuckles as though reminding her soundlessly that he was still there but it seemed to only remind her of what was over now. Occasionally he would run his fingers along the braid she had left in her hair, his finger lightly brushing her neck.
He leaned over the distance between them, his breath ghosting over her cheek, 'Don't doubt me, my love. This time has meant everything to me.' She closed her eyes, shivering a little as she leant back against his shoulder and he kissed the side of her face.
'Talk to me Lizzy, what are your thoughts, sweetheart?' She swallowed then took a deep breath. She let her head drop back onto his shoulder and closed her eyes, trying to trust how she felt.
'I don't doubt that this has meant something to you. Trust, just feels hard right now…' She murmured, her voice shaking as the mornings events filtered into her mind in a warm rush.
'What can I say to help?' He asked earnestly, feeling her shrug against him. What could he say, he had to prove it and they both knew it.
'Just don't change back…' She let out a breath, her lip trembling slightly.
'How about, I promise…' He began, his hand on her arm squeezing gently as he watched her lips quiver.
'Don't promise…' She stated firmly '…They're easily broken… Even by you. Sometimes especially by you.' It wasn't meant to sting, it was just a fact and one they both knew but she felt her stomach clench as the words slipped from her mouth, wanting to bite them back even if it was the truth.
'Okay, that's fair I suppose…' He allowed, nodding his head against hers before kissing her hair. She closed her eyes, breathing him in and allowing his comfort to wash over her as Dembe pulled onto the road for the airfield.
'I will call you every night to tell you how things are going…' He wanted to see her face but the awkwardness of their position in the car made it impossible if she wouldn't turn to look up at him.
'And I will tell you that I love you and how much I miss you and I how much I want you.' He ran his hand down her braid. 'I can only try my love and I want to try for you, for us and for what awaits us when this is over.' She turned her head then, looking up at him with those deep blue eyes, a tentative smile playing against her lips. He felt her relax into him as the car pulled to a stop, not wanting to move.
The flight felt impossibly short, far shorter than the flight only a few days ago. How much had happened, it was hard to believe it had only been last week. They had sat side by side, his hand in hers as Dembe read and Chuck and Morgan talked quietly amongst themselves. Her brain was buzzing with unspoken thoughts, she felt as though the time was ticking down to a time when she would have to keep everything secret again with that familiar urgency welling up inside her.
He could tell something was wrong, she was quiet, too quiet and too still. He expected her knee to bounce in agitation, tears on her cheeks but she was like a corked bottle, shaken and ready to explode. He didn't want to leave her like this but time was ticking by and he knew he had to leave her when they landed.
She leaned forward, her hand wrenching from his as they flew to her hair. She rocked slightly as he placed a hand on her back, he could feel the palpable anxiety radiating from her.
'Lizzy…' He leaned in, his voice low and gravelly, like a salve. She surprised him as she sat up, her hands slapping against her thighs as she turned to face him.
'I need to talk about Dom. We never did talk about it and I feel like time is counting down and I won't be able to say all of these things floating around in my brain.' She blurted out, her hands reaching for his.
'We really don't need to,' he began again, before she interrupted, her eyes round and shiny.
'I need to…' She blinked back at him for a moment, trying to formulated the words floating around her mind. 'I wasn't prepared for him to talk about my mother, in the way that he did…' She took a breath, trying to quash the urgency she was feeling.
'Maybe we can talk about her before I go back or call him. I can't listen to how much she loved me, I need, I want to hear it from you first… Whatever that might be.' She rushed through, her words spilling out like she wouldn't ever see him again.
'Lizzy, take a breath sweetheart. We can talk about it, there's no rush…' He soothed gently.
'There is! You're leaving me and I won't…' She looked up at his serious face, 'It will bug me and I don't want our phone calls taken up by stupid stuff I can't get out of my brain!' Her voice cracked and she half rose to stand, needing to pace before he pulled her back down into her seat.
'Sweetheart, look at me…' He cupped her face, turning her to face him with his thumbs brushing the sides of her jaw. 'Everything is going to be okay, you don't need to worry so much…' He felt her visibly relax in his hands and worried for how she would do alone but he was sure it was just apprehension and once she was back at home with Dembe, she would slot back into her routine.
'You have your appointment with Selma on friday, yes?' She nodded, pursing her lips. 'And Dembe is going back with you when we land. Chuck and Morgan will accompany me. By the weekend all of this will be dealt with and I will be back with you…'
He pulled her into his arms, her face buried in the crook of his neck. 'Everything is going to be just fine…' He repeated against her hair, his arms tightly circling her back. He kissed her as the fasten seatbelt sign, dinged on, taking his time but she pulled away when Edward announced their decent, feeling his own nerves well up in his chest.
Acknowledgements/Credit: I posed the question on Discord asking how everyone thought Red would be as a father. I tweaked slightly and used for his daughter and not Agnes but you can be sure he would be doing both with Agnes too. I used suggestions from Fettesvette - saying affirmations while doing her hair, teaching her big words and Melbob55 - teaching her the beauty of the world without harming nature. Thank you both!
The hair braiding spun off Fettesvettes' idea and this tumblr post: peace-love-on-planet-earth/713216356805410816?source=share
Panda, you know what's for you. 💕
Red's gift is: /rose-beige-silk-camisole-with-macrame-frastaglio/ Don't look at the price! Definitely don't do the math for everything. 😳