52

Okay, I know I promised the new chapter ages ago, and I'm apologising all the time for the long waits, but I am really, really sorry I can't update faster. I won't make any promises this time, I will work as fast as I can and I hope you stick with me, though I am a terrible slow writer... Anyway, I hope you like this first part of Carmen and Eleazar visiting... there will be more, but I decided to end this chapter with a nice realisation... enjoy it! :)

CHAPTER 7 – visitors

Esme's POV

"Esme, please stop… it is perfect." Edward said, standing in the doorway watching me smooth the cover of the bed in the guestroom for the hundredth time in the last minutes. I sighed. I was terribly nervous. These friends of Carlisle would arrive today, around noon. And I was not only anxious, I was scared. Despite everything I told Edward or Carlisle, I was afraid of meeting others.

"They're both really nice. You will like them." Edward said again. "Really Esme. This room is perfect." He said as I again rearranged the flowers in the vase. "Please, let's go downstairs… play a game or something… Carlisle will also be home soon…" I nodded, saying nothing. I wasn't sure if Carlisle being home would calm me or fuel my anxiety.

I followed Edward into the living room and sat down in the armchair farthest from the door and tried to concentrate on a book. It was futile. I could only think of the oncoming visitors.

I knew Carlisle was happy his friends were coming to stay with us for a while. He had been much more relaxed these last days, on the other hand, he had rarely been at home, working long hours so he could take the next day and the whole weekend off.

I had hardly seen Carlisle these last days. And when I did, he was not saying much. Only greeting me before going into his study. But I imagined him to be happy. After all, Edward told me he missed his friends.

Carlisle's POV

At 5 am I was finally finishing my shift at the hospital and went home. Eleazar and Carmen would arrive today and I was happy to meet them. It would be nice to have Eleazar around, and Carmen was just as nice. And I was still hoping she would be able to help Esme. I hadn't seen much of Esme lately but I knew she and Edward spent much time together and, though I tried to hide it, it pained me. Every time I heard Esme giggle I wished it was me who made her. Not Edward. I wanted to hunt with her, but I knew she rather took Edward with her and so I stepped back, going alone when needed.

When I arrived home I found Edward and Esme in the living room. My thoughts were focused on Carmen and Eleazar, a simple method to not let Edward pick up on my mood. "Good morning." I greeted. "Hello." Edward said simply, while Esme only gave me a shy smile.

After that I went up in my study to read a little bit. I tried to focus on the book in my hands or my joy of seeing Carmen and Eleazar and not the worry about how Esme would cope and everything attached to it, but I slipped a few times.

Esme's POV

It was almost noon and with every minute trickling by my anxiety grew. I remembered these past days. I had used every minute to ask Edward about our visitors. He was patiently telling me as much as he could, though always hinting that I could also ask Carlisle, he knew them much better. I never did. I simply wasn't brave enough. And I also didn't want him to think I was afraid of meeting his friends and him cancelling their visit because of me.

Edward's POV

It was exactly 12 o'clock when I heard the thoughts of Carmen and Eleazar pop up in my mind. Just a few minutes later the sound of the car got into hearing range. Esme looked really nervous now. "You'll be fine." I told her, probably for the thousandth time in the last two weeks.

I was giving Esme one last smile when Carlisle came down the stairs. His eyes quickly flitted to Esme and, sensing her nervousness, he gave her a small smile too.

As the doorbell rang I went to open the door while Esme was positioning herself closer to Carlisle, using him as the only thing to hide behind.

Carlisle's POV

I had noticed Esme's distress and how she was trying to hide behind me. I instantly felt bad for more or less forcing her into this situation. I really wanted to comfort her, but couldn't think of anything to say. And just a second later Eleazar and Carmen entered the living room with Edward.

Esme's POV

I watched tensed as two extremely beautiful vampires entered the living room in front of Edward. They both had olive skin with the characteristic paleness to it and black hair. Eleazar was tall and lean, his face was very angular and sharp, but his golden eyes, filled with warmth and calm comforted me a little. He looked… not dangerous…

I watched Carlisle as he stepped forward and embraced his friend in a one armed hug. "Carlisle! It's been a while my friend!" Eleazar said in a deep, rich voice that still had the hint of a Spanish accent. "Eleazar, it's good to see you!" he said. The two men smiled at each other before Carmen stepped forward, also embracing Carlisle and even kissing him on both cheeks. "It's so nice to see you again!" she said, smiling.

I suddenly felt a wave of anger crash over me, seeing this woman, this beautiful woman, so close to Carlisle. My vision got a reddish tint and I only half recognised Edward, trying to calm me down. It took me everything not to growl.

The feeling vanished just as fast as it came. Just then I realized that Carlisle was looking at me. "Excuse me, this is Esme. Esme, this is Eleazar…" Eleazar stepped forward. "It is a great pleasure, meeting you, my dear." He said smiling and reached out to take my hand. I instinctively jerked it back. I wasn't comfortable with any form of touch, and surely not from a stranger. Eleazar didn't show if my movement bothered him. He only smiled, looking at me more closely. "Carlisle mentioned that a new member had joined his family, but he surely failed to tell about your beauty." He said. I looked down, embarrassed by his compliments.

Edward's POV

Carmen and Eleazar hadn't been in the house for more than three minutes and I already thought it was a bad idea having them here. First I had to stop Esme from ripping Carmen's head off, when she embraced Carlisle and when I had handled that situation as discreetly as I could and was intently focussed on Esme and Eleazar meeting, I caught up on Carlisle's completely unfamiliar thoughts when he saw Eleazar be his charming self in front of Esme. I almost groaned out loud in frustration.

Esme's POV

"Well, may I introduce Carmen, my wife?" Eleazar finally asked and smiled at the woman next to him. I shyly returned her genuine smile. "Hello…" I whispered, feeling a little intimidated by the extremely beautiful woman standing in front of me. I didn't understand how Eleazar could call me a beauty when compared to his wife… I was plain compared to her…

Edward's POV

"Well, let me show you your room." Carlisle said smiling, obviously over his little fit. He led Carmen and Eleazar upstairs into the guestroom. I stayed with Esme.

"You did great!" I whispered as soon as everybody was upstairs. Esme smiled timidly. "Thanks." She whispered, but not really believing me.

I smiled at her, trying to reassure her, but Esme felt more uncomfortable than I had thought. "I'm going upstairs. I'm sure you have a lot to talk about, you haven't seen your friends in a long time." She whispered and headed upstairs. I followed her with my eyes, thinking that maybe this wasn't going as expected. Instead of being more open Esme was hiding herself even more. I really hoped this would get better.

I went upstairs into the room where Carmen and Eleazar would stay. "Do you like your room?" I asked when I entered. Carmen turned around and smiled. "Yes, thanks." She replied. I smiled. "Esme decorated it. She also got the flowers." I explained, noticing how Carmen appreciated the small things Esme had set up and I thought ridiculous and unnecessary. "That's really nice. I already wondered how one of you bachelors had thought of that!" she joked. I laughed a little, while Carlisle chuckled lightly. He instantly felt proud of Esme for thinking of something like that and being such a good host even when she wasn't totally happy about the visitors.

"Well, I think we should let you settle down." Carlisle said, excusing himself from the room. I also turned to go, when Carmen's thoughts called me back. Edward, I noticed Esme wasn't too comfortable before, but I wanted to talk to her… I nodded. "Yes, it's alright, her room is down the hall." I replied smiling. Carmen nodded.

Esme's POV

I was sitting on the bed in my room when a knock on my door startled me a little. I still mumbled a 'come in' and just moments later Carmen, the beautiful dark-haired woman stepped inside. I felt self-conscious, not quite the same when I was around men, but still not comfortable. I felt pale next to her. Her beautiful, smooth dark hair, her pale though olive toned skin, her grace and her slim body. Nobody could compare this to me. I was plain. Not ugly, but not pretty either.

"Hello Esme." Carmen said softly. I tried to give her a small smile and then, remembering my manners I mumbled: "Sit down, please…" She smiled and took a seat on the bed next to me. "You left really quick downstairs." Carmen began. "Is everything okay? I apologise if we made you nervous. I know it probably isn't easy, dealing with two strangers on top of everything… adjusting to this new… life, I mean." She said kindly. I simply nodded. "Well, I wanted to say thank you for the beautiful guest room, and the flowers." She continued. I smiled a little, getting more comfortable. "I am happy you like it." I whispered, not really looking up and meeting her gaze. I felt kind of stupid next to her. Like a schoolgirl, shy and self-conscious. "I was surprised actually, I mean, Carlisle and Edward would never have thought of flowers… these two are eternal bachelors." Carmen said lightly. I smiled a little at that. Yes, indeed,…

"So, you like decorating?" Carmen asked slowly. I nodded. "I do… I have not much to do now… Having so much time is, strange…" Carmen smiled. "I know… It was strange for me, too. But you will get used to it." She said comforting.

Carlisle's POV

I was in my study reading a book while feeling utterly confused. Like I did so often lately. I wasn't as comfortable as I thought I would be with Eleazar here. Seeing him greeting Esme downstairs had made me… nervous, uneasy. I didn't like it. It was stupid. I was being overprotective. I was worried for Esme because I felt she had more than her fair share of trouble and danger in her last life. I didn't want her to be frightened any more.

Just then Edward entered my room. "You are really stubborn, aren't you?" he asked me. I looked up. I don't know what you mean. Edward shook his head. "You know it perfectly well. You find a thousand expressions and other words for one easy thing: jealousy." He whispered. I gritted my teeth. I am NOT jealous. Edward grinned. "You know you are…" he said, still grinning. It drove me mad. Normally it was hard to irritate me but my nerves were on edge and so I was quickly angry. Edward! I warned him in my head. He held up his hands. "Alright, alright. Tell yourself that. You're so damn ignorant sometimes…" he muttered while leaving. I didn't even react. I was too angry at the moment.

Esme's POV

I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, reading. Carmen and Eleazar were also in their room. I could hear them talking softly. Edward was playing the piano softly. Where Carlisle was I didn't know. Probably reading something.

I was staring out the window, thinking about Carmen and Eleazar. Carmen seemed really nice. She was a kind hearted woman and I liked her already. Eleazar, well, I hadn't talked to him much and of course I felt unsure in his presence but he was probably also nice.

In the evening I heard Eleazar and Carlisle go downstairs, talking about something they experienced together. Edward was walking behind them, I knew his steps. I was unsure if I should join them. I knew Carmen was also on her way downstairs. I didn't know what to do. They all knew each other. They wanted to talk about the old times, I was sure. I would be disturbing them. I would stay in my room.

Carmen's POV

We all went into the living room. Only Esme stayed upstairs. I saw Carlisle looking up the stairs briefly. I saw a short flicker in his eyes. He wanted Esme to come down. I smiled softly. I had suspected that already. He cared for her. Esme was probably too shy. Maybe she thought she would disturb this, feel like an outsider when we knew us for centuries. Carlisle sighed so low that I was probably the only one hearing it since I was standing so close to him. Eleazar and Edward were standing by the windows, looking out.

I grinned at Carlisle. "Go and ask her to join us…" I whispered softly, giving Carlisle a gentle push towards the stairs. He looked confused for a moment and unsure but then he went upstairs.

Edward's POV

I didn't look at Carmen but couldn't help the grin that spread across my face. Finally. I only hoped Carlisle would not mess this up.

Carlisle's POV

I slowly went upstairs. I didn't know what to say to Esme. She shouldn't feel forced to join us, though I would love to have her downstairs with us.

I softly knocked on the door to her room. My fingers were actually shaking a little. "C…Come in?" I heard Esme say. It rather sounded like a question. I softly opened the door. "hey…" I whispered, smiling softly when I saw Esme sitting on the window sill. This was her favourite spot, especially when she was deep in thought. I already knew that much. "Hello…" I whispered softly. Esme just looked at me, unsure what to do. I stared at the floor. "Eh… yeah, I just… would you like to come down to talk?" I rambled on quickly. Esme looked up, biting her lip. "Well, I… don't want to impose…" she whispered. I shook my head. "You won't…" I whispered. Esme looked at me. "But… you know each other, don't you want to relive old memories…" she asked. "No, we… would like to have you downstairs with us…" Carlisle whispered.

Esme's POV

I looked at Carlisle rambling nervously. They wanted me downstairs. I swallowed, trying to hide my disappointment. I would have rather he wanted it, not all of them. But this was better than nothing. I nodded softly. "Okay…" I mumbled, standing up. Carlisle smiled a little. "Come on, let's go down then…" he whispered.

I followed Carlisle downstairs where everybody else was already waiting. Edward had sat himself in the armchair opposite the smaller couch. Eleazar was sitting on the couch and Carmen was standing behind him, her hands on his shoulders. I sat down on the smaller couch and Carmen came to sit next to me. Carlisle sat next to Eleazar on the other couch.

Carmen's POV

I smiled when Esme came downstairs with Carlisle. When she sat down on the smaller couch I half hoped Carlisle would sit next to her, but he didn't. I wasn't so sure but to me it looked like he considered the idea for a tiny fraction of a second and when I looked at Edward he gave me a tiny nod. So my inklings were right. Carlisle hadn't changed Esme by pure accident, there was more to it.

I sat next to Esme, smiling at her. She shyly smiled back.

Eleazar then asked Carlisle how he had been and for a while they talked about everything that happened since we had last met Carlisle. Sometimes Edward would tell a few funny stories he knew from Carlisle to include Esme. Carlisle obviously tried to do the same but not as outgoing as Edward. But he kept an eye on her the whole time. It was strange. Every time Carlisle did something, Esme reacted by shifting her position slightly, or a little smile would creep on her lips, small things like this. Carlisle did the same. One word from Esme could light up his face. I grinned knowingly.

When it got later Eleazar turned to Esme. "So my dear, and how did you join Carlisle's little family here?" I noticed Esme stiffen beside me and Carlisle automatically did the same. Eleazar didn't notice but Edward abruptly changed the topic, away from Esme.

Esme's POV

I knew Eleazar hadn't meant anything by asking me how I joined Carlisle and Edward but suddenly all the memories and the pain overwhelmed me again. I saw Carly's face again, I felt the pain when he was taken away from me. I stiffened, my instincts told me to flee. Thankfully Edward got Eleazar's attention away from me, but the wounds were cut open again and I was fighting the grief, hard. But I couldn't force the images from my mind. I was feeling the pain again. I saw Carly fighting for his life, his struggling for air. A tiny sob escaped me. My hand flew to my lips, cutting the sound off before I ran outside. I couldn't take this anymore.

Carmen's POV

Suddenly Esme jumped up and ran outside, after something like a sob escaped her lips. She looked terribly sad. I saw how Carlisle twitched in his seat, wanting to go after her but then he remained seating. But his eyes were fixed on the door Esme had left through and I was also sure he was listening hard for sounds from her. She looked terribly, heartbroken… like she needed comfort… should I go? I caught Edward's eye and he gave me a soft smile and nodded. So I stood up and went outside to look for Esme. As I passed Eleazar I gave him a little smile, meaning he didn't need to worry and telling him it wasn't his fault.

Esme was sitting on a rock a few feet away from the house. She wasn't making a sound, but she was shivering, her teeth pressed together. "Esme?" I asked gently. She looked up and I knew if she could cry she would be right now. "Are you okay? Eleazar didn't mean to upset you…" I told her. Esme nodded. "Sorry…" she choked out. I kneeled down beside her. "I should say sorry for Eleazar, not you for reacting like you did… You don't have to say anything if you don't want, I just wanted to make sure you're okay…" I told her softly. Esme shook her head but then began talking. "My son… he died… I tried to kill myself, that's how I joined Carlisle and Edward." She then whispered miserably before sobbing lowly. My heart broke for her. I could imagine what Eleazar's question did to her then…

Edwards POV

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to…" Eleazar started but I interrupted him. "It wasn't your fault. And Esme knows that." I told him, shooting a glance at Carlisle who wasn't paying attention. He was straining his ears to hear any sounds from Esme, seriously worried. I suppressed a sigh. Why couldn't he just go to her then? I knew Esme would also appreciate that.

Carlisle's POV

I heard Esme sobbing softly and it broke my heart. I wanted to see if she was alright with my own eyes. I knew Carmen was with her and that she would be alright, but I was worried.

After a few minutes I could no longer sit still. I got up and went outside.

Esme was sitting on a rock, her knees drawn up to her chest, sobbing quietly. Carmen had her arms around her shoulders. I approached them unsure of what to do. Carmen saw me and smiled lightly. "Esme…" I whispered softly and saw her look up. "I… I just wanted to see if you're alright…" I stuttered. Esme gave me a soft smile. "I'm sorry…" she mumbled. I frowned and kneeled down in front of her. "What are you sorry for?" I asked confused. "I ruined the evening…" she stuttered. I shook my head. "No… it wasn't your fault…" I whispered, wanting to touch her so badly, but I was too afraid she would shy away again. Carmen stood silently up and left after giving me an encouraging nudge in the ribs. I didn't know what to do, so Carmen hissed at me. "Hug her!" I stared at her… I couldn't. Carmen rolled her eyes and nudged me towards Esme's sobbing frame.

I swallowed hard. Very slowly I inched towards Esme, but my courage left me and instead of hugging her I put my hand on top of hers. Esme sobbed a little harder. What had I done this time? "Sorry…" I mumbled, drawing my hand back. Esme shook her head. "It's fine…" she said. "Eleazar is very sorry. He didn't mean it…" I told Esme. She nodded. "I know. He couldn't know…" she whispered. "It just… hurts…" she whispered, sobbing again. "Sorry…" she added. I shook my head. "You're grieving, Esme. It is alright…" I said, gently stroking her fingers for a moment. Esme calmed down a little and I took all my courage and gave her a very gentle, very short hug.

Esme's POV

I felt how Carlisle stood up and gently wrapped his arms around me. I felt better then, but he let go after a second. I whimpered softly. I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again. Just drown in his scent and comforting presence. I actually shivered when Carlisle let go again. He looked sympathetically at me. "Alright, you surely want to be alone… I'll leave you to your thoughts." He whispered, touching my hand one last time.

He turned away but I called out after him: "Carlisle?" he turned. "Yes?" I swallowed. My courage had just left me, again and instead of saying what I really wanted to, I mumbled a "Thank you…" "You're welcome." He replied before going back inside. I stifled another sob. I had wanted to ask him to stay, to not go but hold me again but I couldn't. I was too afraid of his reaction… his rejection…

I remained sitting in the cold for a few minutes. I shivered. I missed the feeling of his arms around me, though it had only been a second.

Eleazar's POV

When Carmen came back inside I stood up and went over to her. "It wasn't your fault." She said, gently running her hands over my arm. "She's right." Edward said from behind me. I smiled. "I still should apologise properly." I said and wanted to go outside but Carmen stopped me. "No, let Carlisle handle that for a minute." She said, giving me a small smile. I nodded. "Alright." Edward then shook his head just as the door opened and Carlisle came back inside. "I'm sorry, Carlisle." I also told him again. He shook his head and smiled. "No, you couldn't know. It was not your fault and Esme knows you didn't mean it…" he said. I nodded. "Still I didn't want to upset her." I told him sincerely and Carlisle nodded. "She knows that."

Edward's POV

When Carlisle came back inside I was actually a little mad at him. Why didn't he stay with Esme? Right, because he still believed she didn't want him around… Was he really so blind? Didn't he notice how Esme looked at him. How she had enjoyed that little caress outside… I clenched my jaw frustrated. "We should go upstairs." Carmen then said, before wishing us all a good night.

"I'm in my room." Carlisle said shortly after them, also excusing himself. I glared after him. Why couldn't he simply bite the bullet and do what he wanted so badly?

After Carlisle was gone and the living room empty I went outside to check on Esme. She was still sitting on the rock, staring ahead of her. "Hey, are you better?" I asked her gently. Esme looked up. "Yes, thanks…" Esme whispered. I gave her a reassuring smile. "Come on, let's go inside." I said, holding out my hand for her. Esme took it, for a second comparing my hand to the feeling of Carlisle holding her hand. I hid my grin.

Eleazar's POV

"Should I talk to Esme again?" I asked Carmen, unsure what to do. "No, I think it is fine. Don't worry. She wasn't mad at you. You only opened up some old wounds for her." Carmen told me, reaching for me. "Come here, sit down and don't worry." She told me. "Carlisle was upset, I think." I told Carmen. She laughed lowly. "He isn't himself right now, haven't you noticed?" she asked. I shook my head. "He is a bit… eh stressed, but I mean, he's probably nervous because of Esme, she's a newborn…" I said. Carmen shook her head. "It is because of Esme, but not because she's a newborn." carmen told me. "Haven't you seen how he looks at her, how he acts around her?" she asked me. I shrugged. I had noticed that Carlisle watched her often but keeping an eye on her was not unusual when she was a newborn. But my endearing wife obviously thought Carlisle was not acting like this because Esme was a newborn. And I knew better than to argue with her about that.

Carlisle's POV

I was lying on the bed in my room, staring at the ceiling. But I didn't see the ceiling. I saw Esme. I saw her beautiful face. I saw her smile, the smile I loved so much. The smile that had drawn me to her that day in the hospital, ten years ago. The smile that still drew me to her. Sadly I never was the one who made her smile. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I remembered the feeling when I was embracing her for a second outside. Holding her fragile form in my arms had felt amazing. It made my dead heart soar. I remembered Esme's scent. Beautiful, like a meadow of wild flowers, enchanting, divine…

Esme's POV

I was back in my room, lying on the bed. I thought about Carlisle. I was holding myself, I needed the feeling of arms around me, preferably Carlisle's. The tiny moment when he held me had been wonderful.

I got up from the bed and looked through my room until I found the little blue blanket of Carly and the shirt Carlisle had lent me just after I woke up. I had kept it. I pulled it on and lay back down on my bed. I felt better then. I inhaled Carlisle's scent. Let it embrace me, calm me. I closed my eyes and imagined that Carlisle was there, holding me.

Edward's POV

I listened to both Esme's and Carlisle's thoughts and wished I could make them see that they both wanted the same. They were just lying on their backs, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the other.

I sat up and opened my window. I would go for a quick hunt or a run in the woods. I could no longer listen to both their thoughts.

Carlisle's POV

I was still lying on my bed when the telephone downstairs rang. I went to pick it up and minutes later I was back in my room, getting dressed for work. I was needed in the hospital, there was an emergency and a colleague of mine had gotten sick so I had to step in. Just when I was about to leave the house Edward came running towards me. "I thought you had the day off." He said a little reproachful. I shrugged. There's an emergency and they need me. I replied. To be honest I wasn't to sad about being away for a few hours… Maybe this would distract me from my confusing thoughts and mixed up emotions. Edward clenched his jaw but then nodded. "Hurry back." He simply said before going inside. I looked after him. I will do my best. I thought. I heard Edward snort inside.

Esme's POV

As the morning light appeared over the tree tops I heard how Carlisle left the house. He had talking on the phone earlier and now was driving away in his car. But Edward had returned. Just moments after he entered the house he knocked on her door.

I turned away. I didn't want to talk right now. I'm sorry Edward, but please, leave me alone for a while… I asked him in silence. A second later Edward walked away. I sighed. I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now… The only thing I wanted had just left the house.

I remained lying on the bed until it knocked again. I thought it was Edward and begged him in my mind to go away, but after a few knocks the door opened and Carmen stepped inside. I quickly sat up. "I just wanted to see if you're alright…" she said. I nodded, suddenly realising I was still wearing Carlisle's shirt. I lowered my head, knowing I would have blushed furiously if I could. Carmen didn't say anything though. "I am fine, thank you." I whispered. Carmen smiled and closed the door behind her. "If you need to talk, I am here to listen." She told me, smiling softly. I shook my head. I could not talk. I didn't even know what to say or how to start…

Eleazar's POV

I went down into the living room where Edward was reading. He looked up when I entered the room. "Hello Edward. Where is Carlisle?" I asked him. Edward shrugged. "He has been called into the hospital for an emergency. He will be back soon." He said. "Alright, do you know if Esme is better?" I asked. I still felt bad for what happened last night. Edward shook his head. "I told you already. This was not your fault. And Esme knows that." He said before turning his head towards the staircase.

A second later Carmen and Esme came down. I smiled at both of them. Carmen flitted over to my side, gently kissing my cheek. But even Esme smiled back at me. I was happy she didn't seem to be mad. "I'm sorry." I told Esme honestly. She tensed up a little but then gave me a sad smile. "Thank you. I know you didn't mean it." I smiled back at her. I felt better now, after properly apologising.

We all sat down to our own activities. Edward got back to reading, Carmen also took a book out and began reading. Esme looked a bit unsure what to do. "Esme?" I asked her softly. She looked at me. "Would you like to play chess? I'd like to play with someone who isn't cheating…" I said, glancing at Edward. Esme gave me a tiny smile and nodded. I smiled and got the board out.

Carlisle's POV

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. The surgery had been hard. I did everything I could and if my patient survived the night things looked good for him.

I didn't feel tired, I couldn't, but I was emotionally drained. My patient had been a young woman and right now her family was with her, praying that she would survive the next 24 hours. I knew how they felt. This terrible fear of losing someone special. I knew it. I was afraid of being alone again. Even more so since Esme had joined us. I loved Edward and couldn't imagine my life without him, but if Esme decided to leave… I didn't know how I could cope with that. I already missed her, though she was in the same house. But we seemed so far apart. I frightened her and so I kept my distance. It hurt. It hurt terrible. When the only thing I really wanted was being close to Esme but I had to stay away from her. Because she was frightened of me. I understood that her memories were frightening her. I couldn't even imagine what she had lived through, but still. I wanted to help her, I wanted to hold her, calm her when she was frightened… God, I was in love with her…

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