Okay, Sorry for the long wait, but here's teh new chapter. A bit short, I fear, but I wanted to treat you with something and not keep you waiting longer, so I decided to make a new chapter for what else is to come now... HOpe you like it!
CHAPTER 8 – visitors part II
Or was I? Could these feelings I had for Esme be that… Love? I didn't know. I had never felt something like that before… I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment, leaning back in my chair. Maybe… Edward was right… I had been jealous… I was jealous of him and the time he spent with Esme… hell, I also had been jealous of Eleazar! Eleazar, my friend for centuries! Eleazar who was married to Carmen! This was completely ridiculous and stupid! But, I guess I was being a bit irrational with all that confusion going on… and didn't they say that love was not rational? Well, if this was love then so much I had figured out already…
I finally went back to work, but I couldn't really concentrate any longer. After about an hour the head nurse approached me. "Dr Cullen? Are you alright?" I nodded. "Yes, yes I am fine." I told her absent minded. "Maybe you should go home. There's something, or rather someone on your mind that keeps you distracted today…" the nurse told me with a soft smile. I shook my head. "I'm alright…" I mumbled, not meeting the nurse's eyes. She sighed and shook her head. "No, Dr Cullen, excuse my bluntness but you are of no use in that state of mind. Go home, take a walk, relax, clear your head and come back when whatever bothers you is sorted out." She said. I opened my mouth to protest but the look the head nurse gave me silenced me. I nodded in defeat. "Alright… I'm going home… that is… if you really don't need me…" Head nurse Gretchen through her hands in the air and sighed loudly at my last attempt. "No! Please, Dr Cullen, go with god, but for god's sake, go!" I held up my hands as a sign of surrender. "I'm going."
Since I had no other choice I went into my office and changed my lab coat for my jacket, grabbed my keys and my scarf and left the hospital. I considered not going home for a few minutes, but I had no idea what I should do instead, so I drove home.
Esme's POV
I wasn't good at playing chess, I was too spontaneous and didn't plan ahead, also I was easy to read, but Eleazar still played with me, or better, he tried to teach me. He was actually a very calm nature, very patient and easy to be around. As soon as he noticed that chess didn't seem to be a talent of me he began to patiently explain the different moves to me. I hadn't much hope that I would ever master in this game, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Carlisle's POV
I stopped the car in the driveway and after a minute went into the house. I wasn't in the mood for company; my mind was swirling with thoughts. I needed to clear my head. When I entered the house I heard Esme's soft laugh drift towards me and smiled. It sounded beautiful.
Esme's POV
I heard the sound of a car in the driveway, Carlisle was coming home. I was happy, but also a bit anxious to see him. I always felt that way when Carlisle was near – anxious, happy, but also a little nervous and afraid. My emotions were a complete mess whenever he was near me.
"Esme, look, what would you do if I move like that now?" Eleazar asked and touched my arm to get my attention. I looked back on the chess board and frowned. Honestly, I didn't really know what Eleazar wanted to show me with this move. In my eyes it changed barely anything. I couldn't see his strategy behind it. I looked up at Eleazar with a helpless shrug and he chuckled. "Look…" and Eleazar began to explain his strategy again.
Carlisle's POV
I entered the living room and then stopped dead in my tracks. I had tried to muster up enough courage to talk to Esme again, or try it at least. I needed to tell her about my confused feelings. I could no longer live with this secret. I knew I behaved terribly these last days – impolite, snippy and a very bad host.
But all those thoughts changed abruptly when I set foot into the living room. My eyes instantly focussed on Esme and Eleazar in the corner. They were leaning towards each other over a chess board. Esme was smiling softly, while Eleazar explained something to her in a low tone, he had his hand on her arm and with his other hand showed her different things on the board. I didn't hear what they were talking about, I only saw him touching Esme and her being comfortable with it. And saw red! I didn't think rationally in that moment. The only important thing to me was that Eleazar was touching Esme, that he was too close to her. A low growl left my mouth before I could control it and all eyes turned to me. That was what brought me back to my senses a little.
"Carlisle?" Esme said softly, looking up at me with a confused look. "Are you alright?" she asked me. "I'm fine!" I barked roughly at her before flitting up the stairs to my room, slamming the door.
Carmen's POV
Carlisle's sharp comment made Esme cringe. She was obviously hurt by it. I had never seen Carlisle that way, but I knew what was wrong with him, or suspected it strongly. When he saw Esme and Eleazar talking and leaning over the chess board his eyes had gone pitch black. He wasn't thinking clear that moment. Eleazar looked flustered. I had a bad feeling he might want to set Carlisle's head straight, which didn't seem like a good idea right now. So I quickly touched his arm to calm him down.
"Eleazar darling, calm down a moment, I will explain…" I whispered. Esme had used the little second to flee to her room, no doubt feeling a sting of rejection.
I turned to Edward. Carlisle was jealous, wasn't he? I asked in my head. Edward nodded. "If you get him to admit that I might kiss you!" he said with a sly smile. I laughed. So you noticed it too? Edward groaned. "I listen to their thoughts all the time… but I wish you good luck to sort that out. Mind if I go hunting for a while?" he said. I shook my head.
Edward disappeared out the door, obviously relieved to escape this mess. Eleazar then turned to me. "What is this about?" he hissed lowly. I smiled. "You still don't see it?" I asked. Eleazar shrugged. "See what? Carlisle is acting rude and absolutely not himself right now, but other than that…" he trailed off. I nodded. "And I know the reason for his weird behaviour, or I think I know it." Eleazar waited for me to continue, still not knowing where I was getting at. 'Esme' I mouthed at him, so the two I was speaking of wouldn't hear. Eleazar stared at me. "You mean?" He began, then stopped, laughing lowly. "I never thought I'd see that happen in all eternity!" he mumbled, still chuckling. I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe you could make yourself a little useful, so their shyness and fear won't drive Esme away any farther…" I suggested impatiently. Eleazar calmed down. "Talk to him? Maybe? I will talk to Esme. She seems pretty shaken and unsure what to make of Carlisle's behaviour…" Eleazar nodded thoughtful. "Yes, I do that right away." He agreed and went upstairs.
Carlisle's POV
I was anxiously pacing my study, running my hand through my hair – a nervous gesture from my long forgotten human days. I was really a complete lunatic. I mean, I came home, just having realised what my feelings for Esme were, then snapped at her because my best friend, married best friend explained chess to her! I wasn't sure vampires could go crazy, but I was almost sure I had just done that…
Suddenly it knocked and my dead heart got cold. I hoped this was not Esme to confront me about me acting crazy lately. "Carlisle? Can we talk?" It was Eleazar. Thank God. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Y…yes." I stuttered. I probably owed Eleazar an explanation why I invited him in the first step and then acted like I did. "Maybe we could go outside?" he suggested. I nodded and followed Eleazar outside into the forest. We kept walking until we arrived in a little clearing. There Eleazar stopped.
I had already opened my mouth to apologise for my rude behaviour when Eleazar spoke. "Why did you change Esme?" he asked softly, catching me off guard. "She deserved a second chance." I said. Eleazar sighed. "Carlisle, you see people die every day, and you let them die. Why her? Especially when you knew she wanted to die?" I took a deep breath and looked to the ground. "I saw her in the morgue… and thought of the vivid young girl I knew…" I whispered. Eleazar interrupted me. "You knew her before?" I nodded, still not meeting his eye. "I did. Ten years ago she was in the hospital with a broken leg, I treated her back then. I thought, she maybe wanted a new chance." I mumbled. "Carlisle, I know you. You knew Esme committed suicide and knowing this you wouldn't have changed her, not when you knew she chose to die, so why her?" he demanded. I looked up at Eleazar, hoping to make him stop his interrogation. "I couldn't let her die." I whispered simply.
Eleazar smiled. "Why not? Tell me the truth Carlisle." He looked at me for a few seconds before I dropped my gaze again. "You like her, don't you? A great deal? You liked her back then and you recognised her?" I sighed and nodded weakly. Eleazar got it. He smiled and chuckled softly. "now, tell why you act like you do then? Why don't you talk to her? Tell her what you feel?"
In my mind thoughts were chasing each other round, mixed in were memories of Esme and me. If I had hoped my mind would be clearer now, I was proven wrong. "She doesn't like me. She's afraid of me." I mumbled bitterly, speaking it out loud made it hurt so much more. "My dear friend, I think you're being a little hard on yourself now. Why would Esme be afraid of you?" "I don't know! She hugs Edward, she laughs with him, she hunts with him, she… she shies away from me, she hardly speaks to me…" I rambled, thinking of all the times I had been sad because Edward did something I couldn't do – like make Esme smile. "Maybe she also doesn't know how to act around you? If that's as new to her as it is to you. Also, you said she was abused by her husband. That's not easy to forget, I imagine." "But I would never hurt her! And Edward can hug her, she enjoys his company!" I knew I probably sounded like a child now, but I couldn't take back what I just said. "Carlisle, you are jealous of Edward? I might not be as observant as my beloved wife, but I know one thing: Esme and Edward don't look like they have any interest in each other the way you have in Esme… and, to believe Carmen, she is convinced the hug you gave Esme last night was something Esme really enjoyed…" My head snapped up at that. Could it be true? It was hard to believe…. Very hard…
"You should talk to her, you know. Explain how you feel. So, how do you feel? What do you want exactly?" I sighed and drew a shuddering, unneeded breath. "I want to hold her, make her smile, seeing her sad makes me sad… I want to erase her bad memories, I want to protect her… I… Eleazar, I… think I might have fallen in love…" I admitted very lowly, knowing if I could I would blush. Eleazar laughed at that. "Yes, my friend. You surely have. Hard and deep, that's for sure!" he said. "You need to tell her." Eleazar turned serious again. I swallowed hard and nodded slowly. I was afraid of that. I'd rather not know what Esme felt than being sure she didn't feel the same.
Esme's POV
I was sitting in my room, like I did a lot lately, fiddling with the blanket on my bed. I wasn't sure what to make of Carlisle's behaviour lately. He was acting so strange. Every time I thought I had figured him out he did something that destroyed all my hopes. Like a few minutes ago in the living room. Why was he so angry suddenly? Maybe something happened at work… but, he seemed to be angry at Eleazar and me… What had I done to upset him?
"Esme? Can I come in?" I heard Carmen ask outside my door. "Yes…" I whispered lowly. Carmen opened the door and stepped into my room, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Don't beat yourself up over this. He wasn't angry at you." She said. I looked up at her. "What?" I asked her, confused. "I know you think about Carlisle. Believe me, he is not really mad at you, you did nothing wrong…" I smiled sarcastically. "Why is he acting like that, then?" Carmen chuckled. "You can't imagine?" I shook my head. "Esme… you were leaning over that chess board with Eleazar, he even touched your arm…" I stared shocked at her. No, this was ridiculous! Carlisle would never… "No!" I blurted out, not wanting to even consider what Carmen was suggesting. It was simply too far out. "Yes. Carlisle was jealous, I'm almost sure of that. The look on his face was hard to misread…" I shook my head. "No, I mean, he knows Eleazar loves you! And they're friends! Also…" I swallowed hard. "…Carlisle doesn't see me that way…" I mumbled. Carmen placed a comforting hand on my thigh. "What makes you think that?" she wanted to know. I shrugged. "He… well, he keeps to himself a lot… he always keeps his distance…" I mumbled, thinking of how Carlisle always seemed to be uncomfortable when we were too close together. Like when he hugged me the other night. It was only a second and Carlisle seemed to be glad to let go of me again.
Carmen's POV
"You like Carlisle. That's easy to see." I said gently. "But how much do you like him really? I asked. Esme looked down and bit her lip. I didn't need to see more. "You have fallen for him, don't you?" Esme nodded. "But Carlisle is… he's not interested in me… he's just being nice…" she mumbled, then she quickly added. "Don't tell him, please." I shook my head. "But maybe you should tell him." I whispered before standing up and leaving the room, but giving Esme one last encouraging smile.
I heard Carlisle and Eleazar coming back. They were barely in hearing range, but I still thought it would be better to give Carlisle and Esme a chance to sort this out on their own.
Carlisle's POV
I was practically shivering with nervousness when I returned to the house with Eleazar. He gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. "Talk to her. You need to sort this out." He whispered. I nodded, still having no idea where I should start with that.
When I entered the house Carmen flitted past me. Obviously they both wanted to give me and Esme privacy for the talk I had agreed was needed, but didn't know if I wouldn't back down the last moment. I was too afraid of facing rejection.
I stood in the hallway outside Esme's room for a long moment. One side of my brain wanted to run away and keep things as they were while the other one shouted at me to go to her and talk.
Suddenly the door of Esme's room opened and she stepped outside. "Carlisle? I…I'M sorry, but… are you okay? You have been standing here for a while…" she asked nervously. I nodded, absent-minded, then cleared my throat and looked unsurely at Esme. "Eh… can I talk to you?" Esme nodded. "Yes… come in." I followed Esme inside her room.
I stopped in the middle of the room, nervous, playing with the crest ring on my finger, not knowing how to start.
"I'm sorry… for how I acted earlier. I was very rude and I apologise." I mumbled finally, looking up at Esme. She gave me a tiny smile. "Thanks, I was…" I interrupted her. "I know I scared you down there, and hurt you." I whispered remorseful. "I… it was stupid. But, seeing you and Eleazar… I…" "That was the reason?" Esme burst out. I shook my head, seeing how foolish my actions were myself. "Yes… sorry, but when I saw you two… laughing and…" I drew a shuddering breath. "I was… I didn't like it." I admitted finally, looking down.
Esme's POV
I gasped lowly and looked at Carlisle. Jealous? Had Carlisle honestly just told me he was jealous? But… I thought… "You didn't like it? Why?" I asked. Carlisle swallowed before answering. "I know that's crazy and foolish and all… but… it hurts… seeing you laugh and chat with Edward, now with Eleazar and… hiding from me…" he admitted. "I… always feel like I scare you, I hurt you… I do everything wrong, when I only want you to be happy… I want to make you smile… I want to… I'm sorry, just ignore me, this is ridiculous!" Carlisle mumbled, turning to leave my room. I grabbed his arm to hold him back. "I am not afraid of you, Carlisle. It's just… memories…" I mumbled. Carlisle nodded, but he obviously didn't believe me. I swallowed hard, deciding to listen to Carmen and tell, or rather show Carlisle what I felt. I gently reached up, touching his cheek. "Carlisle…" I whispered softly. He looked at me, his eyes the same dark brown colour he had that day ten years ago, the moment when I thought for the briefest second that he wanted to kiss me. I closed my eyes and then brushed my lips against Carlisle's. It was just a feather light touch, but it felt wonderful. I couldn't help it, I did it again. I opened my eyes to see Carlisle staring at me. He had a look of complete astonishment on his face. Carlisle didn't react in any way and I began to fear I had done the wrong thing. Had Carmen been wrong? Before fear could overwhelm me completely though, Carlisle suddenly cradled my face very gently in his hands and then kissed me…
Tell me what you think, plz! I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one!