Otoko No Chigiri
Pledge III: Knowledge (Shiota Hirokazu)
So far, so good...I-I won't have this problem much longer. I-I probably didn't even have it to begin with!
Besides, it was only Kenta...
...Only...Kenta...
...That's not fair to Kenta. Kenta's...special. How about that? Kenta's special, that's...why this is happening!
Kenta's...special... But...I-I don't...want him to be special. Kenta's supposed to be Kenta! Nothing more! I don't like Kenta that way...It was just...that stupid kiss! Damn you, Ruki...I-I swear, if I could somehow make you kiss Juri, you'd know how I've been freaking out for the past year and a half now!
...If Ruki kissed Juri...
...That'd be kinda hot, actually. But not the point right now! I-I'm just...getting through this whole "I really like Kenta" thing. He's still my friend, it's not his fault I...have a little...problem. It's...just weird. I've just...noticed how...I like being with him, how...close we are. I mean, we're super-close already but lately? Things are a little different. And...I don't...like what that means for us. Or just me.
We hug a little more than we used to, and I'm a little more 'physical' with him, like I'll...let him lean against me if we're sitting on a couch or I'll keep an arm sort of around and over him with the back of the couch-I didn't even realize I was doing it most of the time! I-I even let him use me as a pillow if he's...really tired and we're sitting somewhere not all that comfortable for him, like at the park under a tree or something! A-And...only, like, two or three times but...
...I-I like all that. I can't deny that I enjoy doing this! Because...I'm with Kenta. We're close... But...
I don't like that...Because I'm with Kenta. We're close...But...I'm not gay. I-I'm not! I'm Hirokazu Shiota, I'm the last person on Earth who would ever be gay! I mean...I love women, women are hot, I can't get enough of women! I want to one day marry a woman! I love women! ...Not any...one woman in particular right now...
...Just... ...Kenta... And...he's a guy. We've...been to hot springs and bath houses together, pretty often too. I've..."checked," he's...definitely a guy. ...And...I'm not proud of..."checking," especially more than once...But, well, I-I gotta be sure nothing's changed! R-Right?
...Damn it...Not right...Not right at all!
...I-I need to get over this...For the past few months, I've, um... ...been "taking care of the problem." It's easy, really...I just... ...look at hot girls. Online. ...Yeah... I-I know, I know...But, who the hell doesn't look at that kind of stuff online? I-I'm a guy, all guys look at that kind of thing! I've just been doing it a lot lately.
I-I'm not a pervert, I just...need to look at hot girls online right now! It's for my health, damn it! I-I need to get Kenta out of my system and girls into my system! And...I-I'm so not gay, I mean...I "react" like any real guy would! I'm straight...Or at least, 95% there!
...Of course...That last 5% is...a pain in the ass. I-I like women, but... Not as much as... ...Kenta... Women are sexy, Kenta's...Kenta. I like what I see with girls but...I feel so much more with Kenta...
...Gods, please...don't tell me...I-I'm in... ...I-I can't say that word. I'm not going to say the L-word! ...I-I don't...have a thing for Kenta. I don't want to have a thing for Kenta!
And, for that matter...
...Why Kenta? I mean, he's...Kenta. Well, actually, that's...probably why. He's Kenta. He's my best friend, he may not be the best looking of my friends like Jen or Ryou- ...I-I mean... Ruki or...Juri... N-Not that...Kenta looks girly but...I-I don't...want to compare him to Jen or Ryou... Because I-I don't...find Jen or Ryou attractive!
...Okay, Ryou, yes, but... ...Look, Ryou is Ryou. No matter how straight you are, you have to admit: Ryou is pretty damn good looking. ...And Jen...ranks up there pretty high, I guess...But...
...Oh, Gods...
I-I'm...I'm actually...thinking about...how "good looking" Jenrya Li is... I-I'm...thinking about guys...in terms of...Oh, Gods...No! No! NO!
...G-Gotta...look at some girls...Distraction, distraction...Sexy girl time! Gotta get Jen, Ryou and Kenta out of my head! Put some girls in there! I'm...home alone today, too. Perfect, I-I'll just go to the computer and take my medicine...Please, let this be the last dose I need...
Okay, Yuri...Let's look at some Yuri...I'll just type that into my favorite search engine and hit 'search!'
Crap, I forgot to set it to image results only-...Hello... This website might...be of some help.
"Help, I Think I'm Gay! - A Resource For Teenagers Confused About Their Sexual Orientation." I'm a teenager, I'm...confused as hell right now! I-I'll check this out, maybe it has some tips for that last 5%...
...I know, people say "it's not a choice," well...I got news for ya: I might think Ryou and Jen are really cute and I may like Kenta more than a friend - But I still get turned on when I see a hot woman! I think women are damned sexy! I have no problem finding women attractive! Maybe for you it's not a choice, for me...I choose women and I gotta make that perfectly clear: Hirokazu Shiota likes girls, not guys!
...No offense, Kenta. I just...don't want to like you that much. You understand, right? You...You were just as embarrassed by that stupid kiss. Ruki's...a bitch, I know. She's cute but she's a bitch.
Okay, moving on...Help me Gay Teen Site! Cure me!
Frequently Asked Questions...Let's start there.
Q: Did I choose to be gay?
A: No, homosexuality is not a choice, though some anti-gay groups would like to believe the opposite. There is no known cause of homosexuality, though many scientists believe in a genetic component. This is the leading theory, but it has not been confirmed.
G-Genetic? ...Is this site sayin' my Dad is gay? Not cool, website! NOT! COOL!
Q: Why me?
A: Again, there is no know cause for homosexuality. But don't be afraid, there is nothing wrong with you. You are simply attracted to your own gender. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
Bull. Shit.
Q: Can I go straight? Now we're talking!
A: No, you cannot change your orientation, despite what some groups may claim. Your orientation cannot be changed, trying to do so may cause psychological damage in extreme cases such as so-called "ex-gay" therapy. You are who you are and there is nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with you for being gay.
Wh-What? ...Gimme some info on this ex-gay thing! Th-This site is full of shit anyway! Th-They're saying my Dad's gay! ...Or something...I dunno, I-I fell asleep during the whole 'genetics' thing in biology...
Q: I like both genders. What's going on? ...What? W-Wait, both genders?
A: You are bisexual, in which case you are attracted to both men and women. Again, there is nothing to be ashamed of. This is who you are and there is nothing wrong with being bisexual or homosexual.
...B-Bi...sexual...?
...You...can like both? ...Th-That is...such bull! I-I...I want a second opinion, damn it! Screw this stupid site! It's...full of shit! There's gotta be others that actually know what they're talking about! I mean...sure this site looks really professional, but so do the sites that try to get your credit card numbers! It's not true...
...Please, Gods, don't...let it be true... I-I thought it was all just...Straight or gay. No third option. I-I can't...like guys. I don't want to!
...Okay...Calm down, just calm down...I'll try...some other sites...Go to the search engine again...Gay Teen Help...There we go...
I spent the next few hours going to...as many gay teen help sites as I could find...
Th-The only ones that...said I can "go straight" are...those stupid "ex-gay" sites. And...Those were just shady as hell. Plus I don't wanna pay a crapload of cash for something all the other sites said is impossible...
...Gods help me...I-I don't know what to do now...I don't know what to think...This isn't fair, damn it! This isn't fair!
...I-I'm...Bi. That's...short for...bisexual...
...I like girls...
...And guys...
And I'm...going to cry...I-I really, really am going to cry right now...
...Because I-I'm...I'm attracted to Kenta...And there's nothing I can do about it...I-I like another guy...A lot...I-I never wanted this! I don't want this! This is...so wrong...I'm not supposed to be gay or bi or whatever else there is! ...I-I...I don't want...to like guys...
I lean forward, pushing the keyboard aside and closing the thirtieth gay teen help site that confirmed my worst fears: I can't change this and...I can like both. I do like both.
I hit "delete history" and...
...I rest my arms on the computer desk, put my forehead on my arms and...I start to cry. I'm crying because...I'm scared out of my mind right now.
H-How the hell did this happen? ...I...I always blamed that stupid kiss but... ...One kiss...doesn't turn you gay. It's such a stupid idea, but...I-I needed to blame something! I wanted to blame Ruki, bcause...I don't want to blame Kenta...I really...like...Kenta...
...Do I...love Kenta? N-No! I-I'm not gay- ...No, I'm not gay... ...I'm bi. I-I...might actually...have a thing for Kenta...It's not "confusion" it's... ...Gods, help me...Please! I-I don't want this! It's too damn weird! I-It's supposed to be a guy and girl, not... Hirokazu and Kenta! I-I don't want to like Kenta this way! ...Even though...
...I really...like being with Kenta... I-I mean, like I said, we've...been friends since before we were born. H-how many people can actually say that with some actual truth to it? I-I'm Kenta's best friend and he's my best friend. I don't want to like him as more than my best friend on Earth, but...
...I would never avoid him because of this. Both because he's my best friend and because... I-I couldn't imagine being happy without him. We see each other all the time and-
There's a knock at my apartment door. Shit...Mom and Dad are gone for the next couple days, wh-who the hell could that be? I...I am not in the mood for visitors right now...I-I just...want to cry to myself for a while...
...Great, I'm turning into Takato, too.
I close my browser, just in case there's any 'evidence' I didn't notice to get rid of. I even turn off the screen.
I go to the door, wiping my eyes...C-Calm down, Hirokazu...Just...calm down... ...You...can deal witht his later. You're...You're a man, men don't...cry like that-Okay, Takato does, but...He's Takato, after all the amazing crap he's done he can cry whenever he damn well pleases!
I straighten myself up at the last second, there's another knock. I open it...
"Hirokazu-kun!"
"...Kenta? Wh-What...are you doing here?"
"I...was passing by and, um...I got the new Digimon World Game. I wanted...to know if you wanted to try it out. I heard you were home alone for the next few days," Kenta says, standing in the hallway. He holds up the still-wrapped PS3 game in his hands, smiling.
...Kenta and Digimon World...
The only thing missing from this perfect moment is-
"Also, I...have some cash, if you want to order a pizza or something. My treat!"
...Kenta, I would...say I love you, but I'm really afraid that might be the case right now...So, I'm just...
...Screw it!
"Thanks, Kenta-kun!" I step forward, smiling wide and...I give Kenta a hug. Kenta's here...Kenta's awesome, I-I can be scared out of my mind for liking him another time. 'Cause right now... ...I'm happy. "W-We'll...go halfsies on the pizza, okay?" I'd feel bad if he paid for the whole thing, since he just spent money on a game and all...I have enough to pay for around half, not for the whole thing.
"Are you sure? I...offered 'cause you look a little down," Kenta says. "Is...something wrong?"
I smile, shaking my head. "Not...anymore. Trust me." I step aside, letting Kenta in to take off his shoes.
...I-I know there's...no chance I'll ever be with Kenta, anyway...So why should I be this scared? Kenta's my friend...And that's never going to change...He's Kenta. And Kenta's the best.
...I really like you, Kenta-kun but I know I'm...just your best friend. Forever. So, I'll...just watch and not freak out over what'll never happen...
...I'll admire you until that special girl comes along.
Ori's Notes:
Okay, I admit...I'm having a little trouble with Hirokazu ranting about girls and stuff like that...I don't know how 'realistic' he sounded...Then again, he's also trying to assert his "heterosexuality," so panicked ranting might actually work but... ...I dunno!
Hirokazu freaking out over the idea of being gay is a ton of fun to write, though...I love torturing Hirokazu...Or any character, but Hirokazu is the best. Especially if the torture device is Kenta!
Taiki's Notes:
I got a little laugh over Hirokazu realizing that he can actually like both genders. I would be surprised that he doesn't know that but at the same time, he is Hirokazu Shiota. He wouldn't look into that kind of thing, ha ha ha!
Though, I probably shouldn't laugh too much. I'm sure the 'realization' is very scary, especially for someone like Hirokazu. I know I'd be at least a little bit scared if I realized I was attracted to my best friend! And I'm a Jenkato fanatic!
-Taiki Matsuki