A/N
I would love to thank my awesome Beta Annabella Laurie!!
I also like to rec a freaking awesome new fic, Tragic Turn by L is a dreamer. Give her some love, she's a cool chick!
Meyer owns Twilight.
Chapter 4 Edward the User
Edward
"You're going to Chicago? Are you crazy? Why are you even considering going to get Bella!" Jasper was flabbergasted to say the least.
I basically just laid out the news for him as soon as I walked through the door. I had to tell someone about where I was going to be for the next week and I had managed it keep it to myself since Charlie dropped the fucking bomb on me at the lake. I didn't even tell Jess and I saw her every day since then. Jasper just glared at me, waiting for some kind of disgusted reaction from me; I wasn't going to give him one. I was still trying to be numb and oblivious to the whole situation. Jasper Whitlock was my roommate and one of my best guy friends since as far back as I could remember along with Emmett. He was home on his day off from the fire station. He was a firefighter for Forks Fire Protection. We worked together a lot.
I just got home from night shift patrol early Sunday morning. It had been a fairly slow night considering not much action happens in Forks. Being a deputy in this town was rather simple. Busting kids with alcohol or pot was the run of the mill bullshit, but I spent last night on the side of the highway shooting radar. I didn't give out one ticket. I changed my position four times in the course of my eight-hour shift. No one was out in this small town. I had to take on a couple of extra shifts to make up for my upcoming week off. I really didn't need the whole week off because I didn't plan on needing the extra time. Charlie insisted I take the whole week, which I guess was his way of thanking me. I told him it wasn't necessary but when his brow creased, I backed down. You don't fight with the chief of police.
All I had to do was fly to Chicago, pick Bella up, drive home. End of story. There was going to be no fucking around. The trip was going to be all driving until I passed out, then she could drive until she passed out. One would sleep while the other drove. Smooth and simple. I Map-Quested the trip, it would take a total of 34 hours and exactly 2224.39 miles. We would make pit stops along the way for food and gas of course. I also planned to bring a cooler in the moving van to avoid unnecessary food stops if need be. I could piss in a bottle. I guess she could hold it or I would pull off the side of the road so she could relieve herself.
Whatever.
My only goal and objective was to retrieve Bella, drive her home safely to Charlie, and do as little talking as possible. I didn't have anything to say.
I was done.
Jasper was still staring at me in disbelief; his mouth dropped and was hanging open. I guess I could have prepared him more. This was shocking to him since he was the only person who knew about the New Years fiasco. Back then, I kinda just blurted it out, revealing to him about that fucking thoughtless trip to Chicago. I had to get it off my chest or I was going to explode. I was a lunatic when I got back. I needed someone to vent to. Jasper listened. He was good at listening and not adding his two cents. That's all I needed then and I think that's all I really wanted now, but Jasper was not really into it. He had questions.
"Let me get this straight. Charlie asked you to go pick her up and drive her home, right?" Jasper was still astonished, not grasping the whole concept yet. He just repeated back what I just told him, still not believing my words.
Taking off my holster, I undid my shirt and removed my bulletproof vest, setting it down on the coffee table next to the sofa where Jasper was. I sat back down in only my white t-shirt and uniform pants. I kicked off my shoes and leaned back into the cushions needing to relax before I really explained things to Jaz. I was getting a headache already. I leaned over and got some OJ from the mini-fridge to my left. That was the best purchase I made. It was a man thing. Jess thought it was an eye sore. I had to explain to her that every living room needs a mini-fridge stocked with your favorite beer and OJ next to the couch. No moving involved. I was really in the mood to just be still, seeing as I was going to be moving around a lot in the next couple of days.
I sighed.
"Yep," I said dryly. I turned to the television screen, looking at it nonchalantly. I wasn't going to get riled up over going. I promised Charlie and I stuck to my promises. I was a man of my word.
"What are you going to do with her the whole way back? You're going to have to talk to her." Jasper still couldn't see my logic about the trip. I told him before; I vowed not to talk to Bella anymore.
I shrugged my shoulders and flipped channels; surfing for something that could change the subject.
"Does Bella have anything to say about you coming? I mean she has to care, right?" Jasper wouldn't let it go.
I was leaving the next day, Monday. I would be in Chicago by that evening. Tuesday was when we were leaving. That meant I had to rent a car and get a hotel room. I would have all night in Chicago to myself before I went to Bella's the next morning.
This was not going to be a big deal, I tried to convince myself.
"I don't know. I guess she's fine with it. I don't really care what she thinks. Charlie probably made her do this like he did me." I took a swig of OJ, still staring straight ahead to avoid Jasper's gaze.
This whole trip was going to really awkward. Jasper was right; Bella had to care about me coming. I take it she didn't protest too much since none of our friends got any frantic phone calls demanding them to tell me to stay put. This made me little sick to my stomach. It could only mean that Bella maybe didn't mind me coming to get her. There could only be two outcomes to this scenario; one, Bella would ignore me like I planned on doing to her or two, she would want to talk things through and try to make things better. I wasn't keen on scenario two considering I just wanted to forget her.
She chose Jake. I stepped out of the picture to let her have what she wanted.
"Why the fuck isn't her boyfriend doing this trip thing with her?" All good questions, Jaz. I rolled my eyes.
"Charlie said he is finishing his internship or some shit like that." I waved my hand, dismissing his question. "He obviously doesn't give a shit, letting his fiancée go cross country with her ex-boyfriend, which makes him a complete moron if you ask me, but hey, what do I care." I slumped further into the couch.
"Fiancée?" Jasper picked up on that right away.
"Fiancée," I repeated back to him, confirming his question.
I thought by now Bella would have told Rosalie about her engagement, in turn telling Emmett and Jasper. Then they would have taken it upon themselves not to tell me, since I asked not to hear anything about Bella. By the look on Jasper's face, he had no clue about Bella's engagement. Why had she not told her friends here? I'm sure Rosalie would be hurt to know she was kept in the dark. They were best friends growing up, outside of me.
Was Bella not telling people because of me? Or to protect me? I blinked a couple of times, thinking this was a possibility.
"Bella's getting married to Jake?" Jasper whispered and turned his whole body to me with a fucking concerned look on his face, no doubt trying to see how I was taking the news.
"Yep." Again, I tried to sound uninterested.
"When did you find this out?" Still with that concerned look.
"Charlie told me last week. He corned me on his fucking boat. Can you believe that?" I took another swig of juice and smiled to myself remembering my panic attack and how pathetic I must have looked.
Charlie knew he had me when he told me she was getting married. He was playing me and I knew why; he wanted to see us mend our differences before he died. It was really unsettling for him that Bella and I weren't talking. He never came out and said it, but I knew he felt it.
"I think he did it on purpose, knowing I wouldn't turn him down. Fuck that man for knowing me too well." Jasper chuckled and grabbed my juice, taking a drink.
"How long have they been engaged?" Jasper wiped his mouth off and handed my empty juice bottle back.
"Fuck if I know. I didn't ask details. It's enough knowing she's with him let alone knowing she's getting married to the douche." I chucked the bottle at the television.
"Don't hurt the flat screen dude!" Jasper gave me a look. I mocked him his face back at him.
I didn't want to know the ins and outs of the future wedding. This should have been our wedding. I squeezed my eyes shut, pinching back an old dream I had of marrying Bella.
Jasper could sense my hostility. "I don't think you should go, Edward."
"I can handle it, Jaz."
"Really Edward, do you really think you can? I mean, it's only been a couple of months..."
"Four months," I quickly corrected him.
Jasper paused, still giving me that look. "It's only been four months since you've seen her. Your wounds are still fresh from New Years. Christ Edward, you walked around here like a zombie when you got back. I can't imagine what you will be like when you get back from this trip." God, give me a little credit. I had a plan. Jasper was still annoying me, thinking I couldn't handle myself. Sometimes he was too perceptive for his own good.
"I'll be fine. I have Jess now."
Jess…
I needed to talk to her today. She wasn't going to like my news. I haven't fully decided on telling her the truth yet. She would not want me to go to Chicago. That was a given. I knew right away that Jasper was going to see through me.
"Ha! You have Jess now. Is that the reason she's been around? I really thought you were moving on from Bella. Please don't tell me you're just using Jess." I didn't like his tone only because I knew he was right.
Jasper shook his head and got up from the couch. He knew how I was with women and didn't really approve. He was a gentleman and liked to treat a women with respect, which I would be too, if I wasn't so fucked in the head from Bella. Jasper saw too many women pass through our door for one night stands to lead him to believe I was willing to give Jess a real relationship.
I was a dick.
It was true to some extent that I was using Jess. If I had Jess to come back to, then it would make the whole trip more bearable. I wouldn't let Bella get to me. I would think of Jess and her waiting for me ready to give me her all when I got home. She was going to be the fuel to my fire. It was the only way I could think of to get through this trip. Bella was going to be so close to me. I knew I would smell her and all my walls would come down. I would want to touch her and hold her. I would let myself feel for her again and I couldn't let that happen. I had to protect myself from those feelings. I had to have something to think of when the strawberries and vanilla were too strong for me to resist.
Jess was that something.
Okay, I admit it. I was using Jess.
I really did enjoy Jess's company though. She was growing on me. She was fun to be around and easy to talk too. I didn't think about Bella constantly when Jess was around, just sometimes. She would creep in my head at the worst occasion, like when I'm really trying to focus on Jess or when we're making-out. Bella pops into my head with some fucking beautiful memory and I would have to stop and revel in it for a minute or two, totally forgetting about Jess in the mean time, killing any mood I achieved. Jess hadn't figured it out
I was a real fucking dick, but I had to reason with myself. I wasn't all that bad in this situation.
I wasn't sleeping with Jess. I wanted to take things slow and do them the right way. Jess was surprised when I told her this, but the look in her eyes when she thought of a real relationship happening between us made me smile. I haven't felt so wanted in a long time, which made me feel like an asshole that I wasn't as excited as Jess was. No matter how much I like to spend time with her, it just didn't feel right, like I was a robot, a robot with feelings maybe. I felt like I was just going through the motions.
Pick her up
Go to dinner.
Go back to my place.
Watch a movie.
Make-out.
Imagine Bella naked.
Feel fucking guilty.
Mood killer.
Slow things down.
We go to bed and Jess falls asleep.
I sneak out and help my case of raging blue balls in the bathroom.
End.
That was pretty much a typical night for Jess and I. Since I worked the evening shift last night, I haven't seen Jess since yesterday afternoon. Emmett and Rose had grilled steaks at home yesterday for Jasper, Jess and I. We had an early dinner before I had to leave for work. I liked being with all my friends and Jess seemed to fit in pretty well. Rose kept giving me the all-knowing look whenever I put my hand on Jess's knee or kissed her on the cheek. Rose liked Jess, but she was still best friends with Bella. Rose couldn't disapprove of my relationship with Jess, but I think she could tell I was trying a little too hard. I suppose Rose remembered the last time I tried to make things work with Jess and it backfired on me. She didn't want to put me and Jess back together if I hurt her again. Jess was a good girl and deserved better then my bullshit, but I was weak when it came to her. I knew she could help me and she looked so fucking cute doing it.
God, I can't stop being an asshole for one second.
I looked up at Jasper as he walked into the kitchen. "I'm not trying to use her. She is helping me not think so much about the fact I'm going to be with Bella." She has a purpose.
" Humph! That sounds exactly like your using her." Jasper gave me a sneer.
He was right. I had to tell Jess that I was leaving and I had to tell her the truth. If she wanted to stick around and wait for me to get back then she could, but I had to be honest with her. If I went knowing Jess would be there for me then I could make it through the trip unscathed. I hope. But if Jess hated that I was leaving and didn't want to wait, I had no idea what kind of trip this would turn into. I would fucking crumble and let all my defenses down once I was in touching range of Bella. I knew me too well. She was way too addicting for me not to succumb to her.
She was my drug.
I was her fucking addict.
I sat forward on the couch and rubbed my face in my hands as I let my head drop. I was tired and wanted to sleep for a couple of hours but I was too frustrated to sleep. Jess was coming over tonight and now I had to get myself ready for the conversation I had to have with her.
"Where is Emmett?" I asked looking up from my hands.
"He went for a jog." Jasper walked back into the living room chomping on a bagel. He leaned on the edge of the couch where I still sat with my face in my hands.
"I really think it's a bad idea Edward. She's engaged. She moved on." I didn't like what he was implying. He didn't trust me. Hell, I didn't trust myself, but I wasn't going to tell him that.
"Fuck Jasper, what do you think I'm going to do?" I stood up and faced him. "I know she moved on. She let me know that pretty well on New Years. I'm not getting in the way of what she wants. I let her go Jasper." I felt sick. I was tired of our little girl heart to heart.
I grabbed my holster and bulletproof vest off the coffee table getting ready to go upstairs and shower. He was pissing me off. What did he really think I would do all alone with Bella? I was going to keep my hands to myself that was for sure. I was never going to let Bella affect me again, but the fucking reality was that she affected everything I did and she wasn't even here to do it. It was all in my mind. I was trapped in my own head. That's why I had to go on this trip, to prove to myself I could make it the whole way and not let my guard down. I could focus only on Jess and forget about Bella. I had to move on. There was no better way on moving then to confront your demon head on.
"I know you Edward. You never let her go. What did you do after Charlie told you she was getting married?" He pulled on my arm, stopping me, as I walked past him trying to get to the stairs.
He knew me too well. Fucking Jasper.
"I had a panic attack." I looked down ashamed.
"You're not over her, Edward." Jasper gave me a weak smile. "You're only going to hurt yourself more by going."
I let out a defeated breath.
"I'm doing this for Charlie as much as I'm doing this for me. I can't think of any better way. I'm tired of hating her and ignoring her. She's moving back Jasper, and I'm going to have to see her. I can't run away from her forever." He let go of my arm. He understood me.
"I'm sorry, Edward. Bella's my friend too and I'm worried for both of you. I just think that it's not a good idea and you both are going to get hurt. It's never easy between you two. You're always hot and cold, but if you think this trip is what you need to finally let her go, then I have to support you. You know you can call me the whole way back if things get tough."
I knew I could and I would too.
"Thanks Jaz, but the trip is only going to take 34 hours. I will be back before you know it."
" Ha! Whatever dude! 34 hours? You're not going to drive the whole thing straight. I think it's physically impossible."
"We'll see." I smirked.
The front door banged open breaking our conversation and a very sweaty Emmett stormed through. He looked over at us out of breath from his jog.
"Hey ladies!" He walked over looking me once over. "You look like shit, Edward."
I inhaled. "You smell like shit, Emmett. What, did you run in dog shit or something?" He did smell.
Emmett raised his foot to inspect the bottom of his shoe, "Fuck me, I did." He took off his shoe and waved it in front of Jasper's face. "Here look. Does it look like shit?" He laughed waving the shoe in both of our faces. "Does it smell? I can't tell." Emmett let out a thunderous roar as he was trying to get the shoe closer to Jasper.
"Dude, stop, that's gross. You're tracking that shit in the house. Have some manners." Jasper took a step back.
"I have manners, man. Rose thinks I'm a complete gentleman." He smirked as he took off his other shoe and tossed them in the corner. Jasper sauntered around Emmett and took his seat on the couch again picking up the remote. He was completely disgusted.
"You better clean that crap up by the time I'm done with my shower or I'll kick your ass. Remember I'm the one with the guns." I said as I hit him in the shoulder with my closed fist. Hitting Emmett was like hitting a brick wall. The man was nothing but solid muscle. My punch barely moved his shoulder back.
I need to lift more weight at the gym. Emmett punched me back and it hurt.
"Damn Edward, you're weak. Speaking of guns, you know what today is?" You could see the light bulb light up above his head.
"What is today?" I asked rubbing my shoulder where he punched me.
"It's Gun Range Sundays!" His face beamed like a kid going to Disney World for the first time.
"Hmm, it hasn't been Gun Range Sunday in a while huh?" I smirked rubbing my hand on my hairy chin. My mood was getting lighter. Nothing better to take you mind off things than to shoot the living day lights out of a target at the Fork's Gun and Archery Range.
"I call dibs on the Glock!" Emmett jumped passing me and ran up the stairs, most likely to shower ahead of me.
"No way man! Glock is mine!" Jasper yelled up to him from the couch.
"FUCK YOU, I CALLED THAT BITCH!" Emmett called down from the top of the stairs.
I couldn't help but laugh walking up the stairs. I needed a little bit of fun before I had to see Jess tonight. Tonight might be rough.
***
It was a good and a bad thing we were at the gun range when I told Emmett about my little trip. The sound of gunfire overpowered his rant about how dumb I was for going. I really didn't want to hear it from Emmett too, but I guess it was going to happen anyway so I just took it. He was holding a gun and I didn't want to piss him off by arguing with him.
"You're a glutton for punishment, you know." Emmett yelled before shooting a round from my Glock at the target and thankfully not me.
I tapped my finger to my earplugs, indicting I couldn't hear him. "Can't hear ya dude." I turned back to the target and lined up my shot, pulled the trigger and fired. It felt good and helped release the tension I was feeling. I hit in the left shoulder range. My shot was way off. My hands were too shaky and I couldn't seem to steady myself today. I wasn't on top of my game as I usually was. I prided myself with my excellent aim, but today I couldn't get it right. I was under too much stress and had too many things on my mind at the moment, Jess being at the top of that list. After talking to Jasper today, I concluded that telling Jess the truth was the best thing. It made it feel like I was using her less if she knew the situation. I felt like of a prick for leaving my new "girlfriend" to spend a torturous amount of time with my ex-girlfriend. I had to make Jess understand that I was just fulfilling a duty for Charlie and nothing else. I had to keep telling myself the same thing too.
"Emmett man, I already told him he's a complete idiot for going. He won't listen to me." Jasper shouted over the gunfire.
I rolled my eyes. Jasper was helping get Emmett off my back so I didn't have to hear the lecture. I'm sure that I was going to hear it from Rose when we got back to the house. She was most likely there, waiting for Emmett to get home. She usually was; she practically lived there.
I missed the fact that my house was actually just my house, but then I wasn't completely alone with Emmett and Jasper around and it scared me to think that one day I was going to be alone. Everyone always leaves.
Emmett took off his safely glasses and ear plugs and stood by my booth. I was re-loading my weapon, getting ready for my next round. Emmett looked serious.
Here's the Emmett speech I was waiting for.
"Edward, I know you're doing this for Charlie and that's fucking admirable, but I don't want to see you come back like you were after your folks died." That was a low blow and he knew it. I grumbled something obscene under my breath.
I lowered my weapon and looked at Emmett, talking through my teeth, "I'm fine now. She's not going to get to me anymore. I used to love her and now I'm… over her. I moved on. There has been too much time between us to make this trip mean anything." I stuttered a little and I felt bad for snapping at him.
Emmett caught my hesitation; he might of looked like a dumb jock but he wasn't stupid. He taught American History at Forks High School. I gave him a crooked smile and turned back to my weapon. I raised and took aim. I fired and watched my shot speed into the paper target. I took aim again and fired at the same spot. I spent three more rounds until I was satisfied I killed my target and pulled it back. As the paper came spinning towards me, I realized I aimed perfect and shot five rounds at the heart. Emmett saw my shots.
"Yeah man, I'm sure you don't love her anymore. You'll be fine." He smirked and patted me on the shoulder. He unloaded the Glock, handing it to me. He walked out, muttering something about wanting to go home to see Rose. Jasper gave me the eye.
I had enough shooting my target heart for today.
***
We walked in the house and just as I thought Rosalie was home and in the kitchen cooking dinner. There goes my plan of fixing Jess dinner tonight. Why wasn't this day turning out how I wanted it to? I would have to take Jess somewhere else after dinner to talk. The house was going to be too crowded for our conversation. I would take her outside by the lake and we could sit on the dock. The water will help calm me. If all else fails I could throw myself in and drown so I wouldn't have to worry about any of the shit I had to do. I'll keep that as option B.
Rose was on the phone as she stirred whatever she had in the pot on the stove. It smelled delicious and made my mouth water. It was something Italian, probably spaghetti; Rose made killer spaghetti. Emmett was still outside at his Jeep bitching about how someone scratched his fender. Jasper came in with me and went straight upstairs whipping out his phone. He didn't say much the whole afternoon and definitely didn't talk at all on the ride home. It was strange.
I walked into the kitchen and quietly snuck up behind Rose. I could hear her on the phone now, but I couldn't tell who she was talking too.
"I know I can't wait." She said into the phone.
Rose still didn't sense me behind her. I laughed to myself; I loved scaring the shit out of Rose. It was worth it if she beat my ass. The look on her face would be priceless.
"Oh… okay… sure, I… a… will tell Emmett you can't wait to see him. I don't know why though." Rose chuckled.
I eased my way behind her until I was inches from her back.
"Don't forget to call me from the road, okay. I want to make sure your going to be all right driving all that way. It's too far." I knew immediately who she was talking to.
Bella.
I pushed my eyes closed and let out a exaggerated sigh. My breath blew out straight onto Rose's neck.
"Ahh!" Rose jumped and turned around with such force she almost stumbled into me. I caught her in my arms.
"Edward! God, you scared the shit out of me." She was holding her heart with her hand. Well mission succeed. I managed to scare Rose without really trying.
Rose looked at me, then at her hand holding the phone to her ear. I caught her talking to Bella, not that I really cared, but my friends were always cautious not to talk about Bella in front of me.
"Um, yeah…" She said to Bella, "I will tell him. Wait… do you want to talk to him yourself he's right here?"
I shook my head and mouthed the word "no." I didn't want to talk to her. I was going to spend enough time not talking to her on the trip. I wanted to get an early start on my no talking to Bella rule.
"Oh okay, sure when you get back. I will tell him then. See you in a couple of days." Rose paused listening to Bella on the other end.
I stepped back from Rose and went to the fridge. It was time for a beer now. I hated being so close to Bella yet so far away at the same time. I could almost make out her voice through the phone as Rose talked to her. It was all but a mumble, but it was her mumble. It ran shivers up my spine.
"Oh really, that's sounds fantastic! Well, have fun! I love you girl! Bye." Rose snapped her cell phone shut and put it on the counter.
I leaned into the fridge and took a beer out, inspecting the label.
"Sorry Edward, I didn't know you guys came home."
I stood up and opened the beer bottle with my shirt.
"Don't be sorry. What do you have to be sorry about? You were just talking to her on the phone. I don't care." I was trying to act nonchalant.
"I know. I'm just sorry anyway." Rose turned back to her cooking.
"What did she want to tell me?" I was curious now. I could only imagine what she could have asked Rose to tell me.
Rose looked up from her pot and let out a sigh.
"She said to tell you hello and she wanted to thank you, but she said she would tell you more when you are face to face." With that, Rose turned again to face me.
Huh? I don't know why she needed to say all that to Rose when I was going to see her in a few days. I could already feel it happening; Bella was setting her claws into my head and I wasn't going to break free from her anytime soon.
I gave Rose a half smile and started to walk into the living room when Emmett came bounding in, headed straight for Rose. Jess was quietly on his heels looking happy and alive. She spotted me and came waltzing over to my side. She looked beautiful today. She had her hair in a ponytail and she wore a green faded tee with low slung jeans. She looked comfortable and at ease. I pulled her into my side as I gave her hug and a quick kiss on the lips. Jess put her arms around my waist and hugged me. She felt nice, warm; she made me feel good.
"Hey, how long have you been here?" I asked looking down into her blue eyes.
"I just got here. Emmett had to show me his not so noticeable scratch on his fender." She rolled her eyes and smiled; she rubbed her head into my shoulder, smelling me.
She was taking me in and I was letting her.
Hell, I was taking her in too.
"You look good tonight." I was being truthful. She did look good. She felt good next to me too.
I was feeling less of an asshole… for the moment. Jess hugged me tighter.
Emmett was still in kitchen terrorizing Rose and getting in the middle of everything. She must of said something under her breath to Emmett about talking to Bella because Emmett was about to destroy my night.
"Ha! That's funny. Did she tell you that this dick head over here is going to Chicago and driving her back tomorrow?" He was thumbing my direction.
Rose looked at Emmett, then at me in complete shock. Rose didn't know? Bella didn't tell her.
I winced and closed my eyes. I felt Jess's arms slide off my waist.
I glared at Emmett. "Fuck, Emmett!"
"What? You already told her didn't you?" He motioned to Jess. Rose realizing what was going slapped him on the back of the head.
"Oh, damn woman! I didn't know!" Rose took him by the arm and drug him outside to the back porch. Rose looked back at me and narrowed her eyes. I now expected to get chewed out by her later.
I turned to look at Jess. This time she stepped back from me, out of my arms. I felt cold in the spot she once was by my side. I was alone.
I did this.
Shit!
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!
The look on her face was what I could only expect in the given situation. She didn't have to ask who I was driving back from Chicago with; she already knew. I saw on her face as it registered. Anything I planned, then abandoned, then planned again to tell Jess about the trip was all out the window.
Her lips parted as if she wanted to say something. I could see countless questions raging behind her beautiful blue eyes; I could see the hurt, the hurt that I caused. Her breath caught and she snapped her mouth shut. She looked at me, waiting for me to talk, as I stood there motionless. I had no idea where to begin, what to say, or how to say it.
The room was getting smaller and I was feeling hot. I could feel my heartbeat through my chest and I'm sure Jess could hear it too. I felt the first beads of sweat form on my brow, my palms itched, and I wanted to take Jess into my arms; I wanted to tell her I was going to be all right on this trip and she didn't have to worry.
But I still stood there, not moving.
Shit Mason, get a fucking grip and talk to her. It's just Jess. You need her to help you get through this, even if she's doesn't really know it. Don't lose her now. Say something.
I wiped my hand across my brow and opened my mouth. Jess stood tall and stiffened her body; she was getting ready for impact, but she surprised me.
"I'm going with you. I'm going with you to Chicago."
I blinked. I was more speechless than before. I still had my mouth gaping open, mostly in utter fucking horror at what just flew out of her mouth. I was picturing it now, the three of us driving together in the moving van, Jess and Bella doing death stares the whole way. Me wanting to fucking jump out of the van and get run over. This wasn't going to happen. Jess being on the trip was not a good idea. Bella and Jess weren't even friends anymore, probably because of me.
I knew I couldn't get any kind of closure if Jess was there. It wasn't going to work.
I edged toward her holding out my hand, "Jess, I don't..."
She cut me off, "Shut up. I don't want to hear it. Let's go upstairs and book my flight." With that, she stomped up the stairs to my room.
A/N GAAHHHHHH!! Cliffhanger!!! Muah ha ha ha ha!! I'm an evil minx:) What is our little Jess thinking? Does she really want to be locked in a car with a man who she's afraid still loves his ex? Maybe so? Maybe not?
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