Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'Thinking'

"Kyuubi speaking"

-Sound Effect-

'Jutsu'

"The Naming of Weapons is a Difficult Matter…"

"So, Naruto-kun," said Tenten as she rang up Naruto's purchases. "How are you going to name your new partner?"

"Name it? Whadda ya mean, Ten-chan?"

"Don't tell me you don't know?" she frowned. Growling at his confused look, she continued.

"Honestly, what are they teaching at the academy these days? Ok," she brightened abruptly. "It's like this. For a weapon to properly aid its partner and be Properly Badarse, it needs to have a name. A name allows extra Badarse Catchphrases, greater Intimidation Potential and a hefty bonus to your Badarse Reputation Building score. If you want to be something more than a base-level sword-swinger, naming your partner is essential!"

Naruto was, by now, feeling more than a little intimidated. This was, to a large extent, due to his steel-loving friend having seized him by the collars of his jacket during the final moments of her rant, her face (complete with Sparkly Eyes of Glee) now less than five centimetres from his own.

"Sooo…" he said carefully, gingerly disengaging her death-grip on his lapels and taking a careful pace back. "What sort of name should I pick?"

"Good question!" chirped Tenten, completely ignoring her current perch on the counter. "It has to be a good one, an impressive one. No-one would respect a weapon called "Bob", after all."

"Hmm… "Vera", maybe?"

"'Vera'? No, I don't think so. What made you think of that?"

"Dunno. I was thinking 'Big Damn Hero', and…"

Tenten considered for a moment, then shook her head.

"No. No, it's generally best to steer clear of women's names, just like with tattoos. If it was a katana or a rapier, maybe, but not a big iron club."

Naruto (having pegged this as another one of those mysteries of Femaledom to which he was not privy) nodded seriously.

"Good call, Gaki."

"Now," continued Tenten uninterrupted. "You have several styles of name to choose from. First, there's the Descriptive, where the name alludes to the weapon's appearance or function."

"Like the Viper's Tongue?"

"Like the Viper's Tongue, yes."

"Kyuubi wants the Whiiiiiip…"

'Quiet!'

"Next, there's the Ironic, opposite to the Descriptive, where the name belies the form or function of the weapon."

"Like, um…calling a wakizashi "Hill Cleaver" or "Dragon's Fang" or something?"

Tenten favoured him with a look a teacher might bestow on a gifted student.

"Exactly! This allows both a surprise bonus when your enemies expect one weapon and get another, and an intimidation boost when they start to wonder why that weapon has that name."

"So, I might call my club "Willow Wand" or something and have people think it's something small and light?"

"Yeah, that's the idea. Now, the third category is the Esoteric. This takes after the Descriptive method but goes a bit deeper and takes a bit more thought. This is the best of the three, in my opinion. All the best and most memorable weapons have Esoteric-type names. "Grass Cutter", "Sunlit Heart", "Green Destiny", "Buster Baron"…"

"Aren't some of them from manga, Ten-chan?"

"…so?"

"Ok, good point. So, any ideas?"

--Approximately one hour later--

"'The Crusher'?"

"No, too obvious. 'Kami no Ken'?"

"Nah, that'd just be tempting fate. 'Midnight Thunder'?"

"Hmm…Throw that one in the 'Maybe' column, I think."

Naruto grunted and scribbled the name on a nearby sheet of paper before returning to his contemplation.

"'Kyuubi's Tail'"

'I'm not even going to dignify that with a response, Fox.'

"'Steel Lotus'?"

"A little girly, isn't it?"

"Of course not!" exclaimed Tenten, her tone affronted. "It demonstrates elegance, sophistication and sets off the weapon's air of brutality nicely."

"…I'll add it to the 'Maybe' column then, shall I?"

"I knew I liked her for a reason."

"'Excaliborg'?"

"That…feels eerily appropriate and scares the hell out of me at the same time. I'm gonna go with 'No' here, Ten-chan. Sorry."

"Oh well. Ooh. Ooh! Ooh, I got it! The perfect name! Oh, I'm a genius. A genius! Muahahaha!"

"Well come on then! Tell me!"

"'Mr. Smashy'!"

"…"/ "…"

"Isn't it perfect?"

"…"/ "…"

"What?"

"'Mr…Smashy…?"

"It's a good name!"

"Oh yeah, it's great! It's just that, um, I think I'll go with my other choice."

"Which is…?"

"'Kurohime'."

"What did I say about female names for the tetsubo?"

"Yeah, I know, but I was just thinking…"

"What?" prompted Tenten as the blond trailed off, a slight blush on his face.

"Well, I was thinking that the club's a lot like the women I know. I mean, it's really strong and cool, really, really tough and it can kick lots of arse."

Inner Tenten, previously sulking at her friend's blunt rejection of her suggestion, promptly melted.

'Squee! He says the sweetest things, that baka!'

Yes, Gentle Reader. Tenten is in Happy Twinkle Land from being compared with a giant studded iron club. Make of that what you will.

Fighting off the soppy grin and blush, the bun-haired girl paused to think for a few moments before nodding.

"'Kurohime'. Hmm. Yes, I think you've got something there. Well chosen, Naruto-kun!"

Basking in the warmth radiating from the broad Naruto Grin ™, Tenten busied herself with finalising and packing up her friend's purchases. It was probably fortunate they had stopped when they had, she thought as the register chimed. She'd been on the verge of delving back into the Descriptive.

'And based on how he reacted to 'Mr. Smashy', I don't even want to imagine what he'd say about 'Insurance Destroyer'.'

Omake:

"Ooh. Ooh! Ooh, I got it! The perfect name! Oh, I'm a genius. A genius! Muahahaha!"

"Well come on then! Tell me!"

"'Mr. Smashy'!"

"…"/ "…"

"Isn't it perfect? It's the naming convention I use for all my gear."

Saying this, the enthusiastic weapons fanatic unsealed a mass of edged implements onto the counter-top.

"See? This is Mr. Stabby, and this is Mr. Pointy, and this is Mr. Slicey, and this is Mr. Pokey, and this is…"

--Three Hours Later--

"-Mr. Dig-into-the-joints-and-sever-the-tendons, and this is Mr. Stick-under-the-skin-and-shred-muscle-fibre, and this is-"

'…hey Fox. You dead?'

"…make it stop…"

"-And my very favourite of all, Mr. Shiney!"

"Oh thank you Inari-sama. Thank you thank you thank you…"

"Which brings us to my shuriken collection. This is Mr. Spinney, and this is-"

"What? No! NOOOO!!!"

It would be three more hours before Naruto would be allowed to leave. Kyuubi's whimpering didn't stop for five.

Author's comments:

Well, can you tell i like using the word "Badarse"? i think there may have been some subtle signs in the text. he he he.

Anyway, bonus zen points if you can spot and name all the weapon references included herein. the thought occures to me that there isn't really much creativity in the types of names given to anime weapons, though i will give a tip of the hat to the zanpakuto in Bleach. Anyway, i noticed the trend that named weapons are, as a rule, better than their anonymous equivalents and figured that, as a weapons fanatic, there is no way Tenten would be unaware of this. this chapter was the result.

and now,
Reviews:

michael68: Glad you liked Neji the Kitten Freak, but sorry, there will be no catboys in my fanfiction. i might entertain a catboy henge for pranking potential, though...hmm.

GeneralvonManiac: And a pleasant place it is, too.

BukkakeNoJutsu: Thanks very much.

-w- easy enough: Come on, if Spaghetti-sama didn't want Neji teased, he wouldn't have made him so teasable.

daniel 29: That's a thought, right enough, but for the purposes of the story, the gifts were just to those named.
As for Tsunade's gift, it was the high-quality sake she was drinking in 'Giving'.

Zaion Indulias: Glad you liked it. oh yes, there is much potential there, oh yes.

Mark Solo: I have a feeling that meeting would result in a glomping of fangirl proportions. and then a severe arsekicking for Neji, i suppose, but he'd be happy, wouldn't he?

Love Psycho: I hadn't really thought if who the Boss Summon of the cats would be, though you've given me a great idea for a future installment of 'Tales'. thanks!

CelticReaper: wow, i had no idea so many people liked nekophile Neji. it's like Youthspeak all over again.

Loatroll: thanks!

galidarion: meh. Maniacle laughter, demonic chuckle, all good. the important thing is that you're laughing.

Steven Kodaly: i suspect the reaction of Neji + Yugito would be summarised as "Squee, glomp, crush". as for the beard thing, there are mysteries that should not be plumbed, my friend. trust me...

The Last Rising Of The Phoenix: i really don't think of it as Bashing so much as exploring character potential, really. combine the familiar with the odd. that;'s where humour can be found, imho.

flyingsnails: Thx.

noshadowone: i'm imagining Neji adapting an attack from the comic Nodwick: "Summoning Jutsu: OVERLY AFFECTIONATE KITTEN HORDE!". oh yes, there is much potential there...
anyway, i'm glad you liked it.

zeynel: thanks. yup, going to continue this as long as the inspirations keep falling.

Finbar: Thanks very much.

TharzZzDunN: Well, here's some more, and fear not, i won't!

well, that's that. expect another installment or two reasonably soon. i have one or two ideas rattling around that i mean to get down on paper, so there will likely be more coming.

Stay tuned.