A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed and put me on alerts, seriously the most so far. I'm blushing!
Just to put minds to ease, this is indeed a Edward and Bella story...so don't you all fret about Jess. I have decided against her POV and will focus more on some Eddie and Bellie action.
Also much thanks to Annabella Laurie for being a super beta! *even when she does take forever* hehe!, I still love you.
Chapter 6-Edward the Orphan.
It seemed like last night with Jess was already weeks behind me, even though it's only been an hour since I had my head on her stomach. I couldn't smell her honeysuckle on my clothes anymore. It faded fast into the oblivion of my own standard musk.
"Come home to me." Her last words were still playing in my mind.
That could have been the most poetic phrase if you took time to read into it and I fucking did. Jess was home in a sense of the word. She was everything I could equate to happiness and salvation once I did my job. My part of the bargain-hold up my end of the deal-just come home to her. It was simple enough and Jess wasn't demanding anything from me, which also gave me an out. She wasn't going to make expectations on me. Knowing that I could jack everything up, she still cared and loved me for whatever reasons she had. She was going on complete faith I would return and give up any fantasy of Bella.
"Come home to me."
That simple sentence carried more weight the more I thought about it. It was an innocent request and not a hard thing to pull off. Actually doing it on the other hand, I wasn't sure if I could. I had all the intentions but I knew me. I couldn't be trusted; I was not reliable. What did Jess see that made her think I could be the man I used to be?
I should have just let Jess go with me. The longer that I was away from Jess, the harder I felt it was to give Bella up.
Out of sight out of mind, right?
After she told me to come home to her, I kissed her and held her for a couple more minutes before I had to get out of bed to shower; when I came back, she was gone, my bed empty and her clothes missing off the floor. She left me like everyone else. I felt betrayed and alone again. My chest grew tight and my breathing felt restricted knowing she couldn't stand to see me leave her. She couldn't even say goodbye to me. I entertained the thought of some grandiose heartfelt declaration would suddenly fall out of my mouth if she stuck around but she just fucking vanished and took all the tokens of her away.
No more smell. No more soft skin. No more sweet tastes. It was gone.
What could I have even said that I hadn't said already and really mean it?
It still angered me that I couldn't hold one iota of longing for Jess in the last minute before my departure. So who can blame her for leaving? She was not going to get the send off she wanted, only a half-assed kiss and 'see you real soon' from me. Jess was riding on the fact I would come home a changed man. It would only be fair to her if I tried. So being alone right now wasn't a bad thing.
I didn't want to resent her like everyone else that hurt me in one way or another. My inward journey was also acting as her inward journey. Jess gave a lot of herself to me last night and I had no right to be pissed at her. Still with the empty bed and missing clothes, I didn't feel like she made a lasting impression if you will, on me. At least not the one I was hoping for.
My room felt cold and barren without her in it, but that didn't bother me. What bothered me was that, with all my proclamations that I made to her about how I needed and wanted her when I got back, it just didn't feel right. I was talking myself into trying to love Jess, but you can't talk yourself into love. It just comes when it's fucking there. I didn't love Jess and I never would or at least that's what I thought. I had to lie to myself in order to get through this. Bella would not be the death of me.
Love with Jess could be a learned thing. Maybe I was wrong, maybe love can be there and you not know it-lurking deep down waiting to be built up. It was like climbing up a ladder, with every ring you scaled was another notch into the Ole' Edward heart. Jess was around step three or four, not fully ascended but not grounded yet.
All I knew was my body missed Jess, but my mind was confused. I would have promised her the world last night, but it would have been all a lie. She was too good for me and everyone knew it. My friends loved her and I'm sure my parents would have welcomed her with open arms into the family. She would have fit in without hesitation. All I pictured my whole life was Bella as my family, but now Jess was in that picture and I almost felt like I was betraying my dream. Really, that dream was never going to come true and I had to get used the fact that Bella was gone forever and Jess was second fiddle.
It tore me up feeling this conflicted about Jess and Bella. I couldn't have fucked things up more last night. Jess chose not to give up on me. She could have walked out the door a million times last night, but she stayed. She stayed when I couldn't even fuck her properly. She stayed when she knew all I could think in the heat of the moment was Bella. She stayed because she loved me. Jess would never cheat on me like Bella did. She was more woman then Bella would ever be in my book.
That's it. I had to try.
I had to let go of my stupid reservations that Jess wasn't ever going to live up. Give up on the dream Edward. Not all your wishes come true in the real world. Life doesn't always pan out to how it should be or how you want it to be. You'll just have to endure it and live with yourself. I might always love Bella, but Jess was going to have my devotion. Love with me, from now on, will be a learned emotion. I must condition myself over and over and remind myself that Bella is not the end all and be all of women. Jess had a place too and she filled it well because she wanted too, not because she cared about what people thought. She did it for pure love. Jess reminded me of myself long ago when I trusted in love, before it broke me. I wanted to see myself again as Jess saw me. She was the key to getting better, not just the long ass road trip I was about to take.
I still felt like I was lying every time I tried psyching myself me into this. Shake it off Masen.
Shake it off.
I held my phone in my hand and looked down at the picture Jess took of us. Having a feeling I was going to be looking at this a lot, I snapped it shut and placed it my pocket. I patted my pants and whispered, "Thanks Jess." I hoped she knew.
***
Right before I left, I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat, mainly to see if I could subside the nausea I was starting to feel rise in my stomach. The smell of bacon and toast filled the room. I closed my eyes and inhaled, taking in the sweet smells of hickory and wheat. Rose must have seen me and called me out.
"Are you going to stand there like a complete idiot or do you want something to eat?" She tapped her foot on the tile waiting for me to answer.
"I want something to eat." I said plainly and looking a little dumb. My stomach growled all of a sudden and the nausea was gone. I was just really fucking hungry. I didn't get to eat dinner last night and I missed the killer spaghetti Rose made.
"Good, fix your plate. It's ready." Rose pointed to the counter where she had scrambled eggs heaped on a dish, hash browns and toast next to that, and strawberries sliced in a bowl. I was impressed. Rose rarely made it out of bed early enough to even catch lunch, let alone fix a full breakfast.
"What's the fucking occasion and why are you up so early?" I walked over to the counter and picked up a clean plate, spooning eggs onto it.
"Edward, you cuss too much. You're going to have to watch it for the next couple of days. You know how Bella doesn't like it." Rose eyed me as she made her way over to my side, picking up a clean plate.
Feeling the belly laugh rise out of control, I couldn't hold back the thunderous roar that escaped my mouth. I began laughing so hard my body shook and I had to set my plate down in fear of spilling it; I probably looked like I was having a coronary. Rose just said the most asinine thing I ever heard. She had the gall to remind me how to act around Bella. I like my crude mouth and by now, saying "fuck" and "shit" were as effortless as saying my own name. I never noticed my speech or cared to censor myself anymore. What the fuck for? Take me or leave me. Jess was going to take me. She liked my 'fucks' and 'shits.' I wasn't going to change just to make Bella feel more comfortable.
Rose's face was priceless. Not only was I really embarrassing her, but I was pissing her off at the same time. I had the nerve to laugh in her face. Not many people stood up to Rosalie Hale, but sure as hell, I did. She didn't scare me with her bitch stares and demanding tones. Her beautiful face was now red scrunched up in a tight scowl.
I loved it. I'm sure Emmett would be backing my shit up too.
I wanted to tell Rose to 'fuck off,' but breakfast looked and smelled too fucking good to pass up and if I did yell a nice stream of profanities her way, I mostly likely would have egg in my face.
I decided to be nice.
Even though my mouth was fucking sore from laughing, I managed to get out, "You got to be kidding me!" Doubling over to catch my breath, I put my hands on my knees and took deep breaths.
In and out. In and out.
Phew! Wiping my brow, I shook my head and picked up my plate again
I needed a good laugh after the night I had and the day to come.
"You're not funny Edward!" Rose seethed holding her hand at her sides with clenched fists.
"I know! You're the funny one." I patted my abdomen, resting my stomach muscle, which ached from laughing so hard.
Rose huffed, turning back to fill her plate, forcibly loading it with a pile of eggs and hash browns.
Still chuckling to myself, I apologized, "Look Rose, I'm sorry. Thanks for making breakfast; you didn't have to do that." I smiled shyly and nudged her in the shoulder with my own.
She still looked stiff. I nudged her again. A small grin played across her mouth and I knew I was forgiven. Staying mad at Rose was futile. Nobody ever won an argument with her. Just look at Emmett, he was a little puppy dog when she was around. It was always, 'yes honey this' and 'yes honey that.' It was very endearing really. I missed that feeling.
Filling my plate, I stepped to the table and sat down. The food smelled delicious and I couldn't wait to dig in. Rose followed close behind and sat to my right. While I was devouring my food, I noticed that Rose still hadn't started eating. She played with her eggs and poked her fork at the strawberries, but never took an actual bite. I ignored her and kept to my task of filling my stomach fast, wanting to leave soon. I still wanted to see Emmett and Jaz before I left. I assume they were still in bed considering it was five o'clock in the morning.
Taking the last bite in my mouth, I looked up to Rose who was still playing with her food.
"Thanks for breakfast," I said as I pushed my chair out to stand.
"I called Bella last night… after you and Jess went up stairs," Rose blurted out as she turned towards me, watching as I took my plate to the sink.
I could feel she was evaluating me, trying to gauge my reaction. I paused mid step on my way to the sink. It was Rose's turn now to tell me how stupid I was and how fucked up this was going to be.
I need another heart to heart like a hole in the head.
Might as well play along; surly it would make her feel better to get it off her chest. Rose was probably worried about Bella more than me-if I even was worried. Even though I was used to the idea of the trip, I had to remind myself that our friends just found out yesterday and are still trying to adjust to my new turn in personality towards Bella and Jess for that matter. My actions were certainly not keeping in time with how I was the last couple of years.
I was also putting myself in a situation that I hammered over and over I would never do again:
Be close to Bella.
Rose was most likely thinking that I had some hidden agenda or vendetta planned. She would be a little right, but I didn't want to harm Bella. No revenge. Jealously would be nice, but no revenge.
I had Jess. Keep the mantra going, Edward. You have Jess.
Jess, Jess, Jess, and a little more Jess.
I sighed, "I assumed she didn't tell you yesterday by the look in your eyes... I guess Emmett clued you in on my reasons for going."
"Yes, he did. He thinks you're insane, but that's not why I called her." Rose got up and made her way to the fridge, opening the door, she took out the orange juice.
"Okay, then why did you call her?" I placed my plate in the sink, turning on the water to rinse it.
Taking a glass out of the cabinet, Rose poured herself a cup. "I wanted to know why she didn't tell me for one. I'm her best friend and you…" Rose's breath caught. She stopped and took sip while she eyed me sheepishly. She must have decided not to say everything that was on her mind at that moment. It must have hurt her that Bella didn't confide in her. I don't know what Bella's reasons were, but I'm sure I would find out soon.
Wonderful! Now I would be dealing with girl drama too. I looked up at the ceiling.
Really God, are my parents putting you up to this?
"She didn't answer the phone." Rose rolled her eyes and looked at me.
"Oh," was all I could say. I wasn't expecting that or what she was about to tell me.
Rose took her glass and set it on the counter top. "Look Edward, I'm not going to give you a long drawn out speech. I'm sure you had your fill from everyone else…" Rose waved her hand in the air. "I just want to tell you two things."
"What?" Make this quick Rose; if you have to lecture me just make it fast.
She crossed her arms over her chest and looked me dead in the eye. "Behave yourself, you put so much blame and guilt on her that the two of you together is just..…I don't know, it's just weird."
She stepped closer to me and reached up on her tippy toes so she was eye level with me, batting her eyelashes, "And Edward…...keep your dick in your pants." Did she know? Did Jaz tell her about new years too?
Letting out a defeated loud 'argh' sound, I crossed my arms to mimic Rose and I stepped right to her as she backed down to her feet again. I looked her straight in the eyes and with as much resolve as I could manage I said coldly, "Don't worry about my dick. I got it taken care of."
With that, I leaned down, kissed the top of her head, threw a warm smile and walked out of the kitchen.
I heard a loud huff and plates clanging as Rose gathered up the dishes in the sink.
I let a couple of loud chuckles travel behind me just to piss the shit out of her.
***
I went upstairs to wake up Emmett to say goodbye. His room was like a train wreck hit it. I'm shocked that Rose hasn't made him pick things up, but here all his shit lies and looked fucking gross. I swear, if I step on something food related or see a small rodent scurrying across the floor, I will kick his ass out. It was just foul and I swore I smelt something musty; it also felt a little damp in here.
Emmett was sprawled across the bed with nothing covering him but his briefs, snoring happily away. Not the exact picture I wanted to see this early in the morning, but it's Emmett, you take him as he is.
Shaking his shoulder, because I wasn't touching him anywhere else with a ten-foot pole, I whispered, "Wakey Wakey Em."
My 'wakey wakey' routine was not new. I did it almost every morning Rose wasn't here. The shit head hated to set his alarm clock and I of course, being the punctual person I am, had to wake him. I decided to use the phrase that Lauren Mallory used when they used to date. Lauren was an annoying bitch to say the least and I would here her chant 'wakey wakey' every fucking morning. It incensed Emmett to no end with her squeaky voice and perky sentiment. He broke it off with her just for the fact he hated to rise every morning to 'wakey wakey' so of course that's what I had to use from the day Lauren was the bitch last standing down our hallway.
"Wakey wakey, Em." I whispered again close to his ear in my best 'girl' voice.
He snorted, swatted at his ear as if shoeing a fly and turned his head away from me.
"Fucking Lauren." He mumbled in his sleep.
"It's like waking the dead." I sighed in defeat.
Shaking a little harder this time, well actually fucking bouncing on the bed a little, I rose my voice, "Wake the fuck up Em, I'm leaving, time to say 'goodbye'."
Startled Emmet woke and jerked himself up, "Goodbye!.....What?.....Dude?"
He finally noticed me through his sleepy haze and pushed me, "Your jumping on me man! Stop knockin' boots on my bed. Didn't you get enough action last night?"
I got off the edge of his bed and planted my feet on the floor, hoping I don't step on anything alive.
"Nothing happened, you killed my shit." I joked and started to walk out.
"That's cause you're gay." Emmett chuckled having the last word.
I picked up whatever random thing on the floor I could find and chucked it at him. Emmett's too fast and I missed. I internally groaned to myself; I really wanted to hit him.
"I'm leaving, see you when I get back and clean your shit up. It stinks in here." I waved over my head as I walked out the room towards Jasper's.
"Hey Dude, I was told to remind you to keep your dick in your pants." He laughed curling back into bed.
I yelled over my shoulder, "That woman of yours keeps you a short leash!" Emmett continued to laugh as I left his room. I thought I got a faint 'it wasn't Rose' remark but I wasn't sure.
Jasper's light was on so I tapped lightly on the door and let myself in. He was lying on his bed, talking on the fucking phone again! What in the hell is he doing? He saw me and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He closed his phone nervously and played with the antenna.
"Jasper, who in th-"
He hopped up from his bed, interrupting me. "Hey, you leaving? Well, have a good time…" He stood smiling nervously while he walked to me pushing me to the door.
" …and keep your dick in your pants." He raised both of his eyebrows and took in a slow breath ending in a sly smile.'.
"What did you three have a pow wow or something?" This was annoying to say the least. No one had faith in me but Jess and she shouldn't really either. Jess should be telling me the same thing.
Keep your dick in your pants Masen. I pinched the bridge of my nose.
I'm a prick; I looked at Jaz like he was the bad guy.
"Sorry dude, its expected by some people that you can't be trusted. I'm just doing a girl a favor." He smiled and shoved me in the shoulder. I guess the girl was Rose he meant which infuriated me further.
"Thanks for the fucking vote of confidence." I chided as I turned to leave. "See you when I get back, if I still have my dick left, apparently I can't keep in my pants. Why don't you lend me your chastity belt, you know for the ride. So my dick knows its place. Or is it rusted shut on your ass?"
"Shut up man, I'm just trying to help." He lamented.
I hit Jasper back and moved around him.
Jasper stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. "Edward, this will all be okay. I have a feeling."
I glanced back at him minutely, just enough to give him a shallow grin
"I hope so. Sorry about the chastity belt thing. When I get back we'll find someone to screw you." I snickered thinking how Jasper was hopelessly single.
***
It only took Charlie and I exactly three hours and twenty seven minutes to get from his house in Forks to Seattle, Tacoma International Airport. I watched the clock the whole time. The ride was exceptionally slow. It felt like it wasn't three hours, but a whole day instead. I kept thinking back to Jess and challenging myself to the chore of burning her image in my brain. I needed anything to keep the memory alive of every touch she gave and every whisper she uttered.
It was really fucking hard.
Closing my eyes, I would picture Jess standing on my front porch waiting for me to come home. She wore a sundress with bare feet. Her hair lightly whipped in the breeze. She smiled sweetly and motioned for me to come to her. I know I start to walk to her, but things start to look clouded and I stop. Almost like a fog sets in and takes over all my view of the house, front porch, and Jess. That fog carries it all away. Then it's all gone and I'm standing there alone.
I squeezed my eyes shut again to re-picture it, trying to force a different outcome, but it never changes.
The whole way I made small talk with Charlie not really knowing what to say. It was a lot of head nodding and 'yes' or 'no' answers, a lot of mindless chatter about the weather and baseball, which I had zero interest in. The silences in between topics felt like a giant white elephant was in the car with us. Both of us wanting to say what was really on our minds, but being too spineless to say it. This already felt awkward. I shouldn't feel this way and I shouldn't feel nervous as hell either. I should be able to tell Charlie that I still loved Bella and this was killing me. I should say that I have Jess waiting back at home and she's willing to fuck my brains out to forget Bella, but those are things you say to Emmett or Jasper, not Charlie. Charlie should be telling me that he really wants Bella and I to reconcile. He should tell why it's me that has to go. I should tell him why I really am going. It's not just for him anymore; it manifested into something much more. This was about my survival and sanity. The Bella Swan chokehold she had on me was going to be broken no matter what I had to do.
This trip was going to be a piece of cake.
Manta, Mantra, Mantra
I have Jess now. I have Jess now.
I got my phone with Jess's picture and I was good to go. No Bella infiltration was going to strike me down. I was well armed with a plan and a girl at home.
Mantra, Mantra, Mantra
Jess. Jess. Jess.
I sounded deluded. I had to be.
Sighing as we pulled up to the curb, the long trek from Forks to the airport was over and I had to face the inevitable plane ride to the windy city.
No turning back now.
Well, I could turn back once I got to the ticket counter to check in. No one would see me. Charlie wasn't going to see me off any further than this curb right here. He wasn't the type for long drawn out tearful goodbyes. Slipping away, I could rent a car and call Jess telling her I was fucking chicken shit and was coming home. Even being as frail and sick as he is, Charlie would still kick my ass and I would still be scared of him if he threatened to do so. So turning back, not such a good idea.
Charlie seemed to be in good spirits and had a hop in his step when I arrived at his house earlier this morning. I took note that he looked better than usual and his skin was a more peach color then white as a fucking ghost.
I chucked silently to myself at the whole memory of this morning.
"Did you go tanning or something?" I joked looking at his face and hands, the only visible skin. I handed him a coffee as I sipped mine.
Charlie just grinned and said, "Nah! But I feel good today. Must be the weather. It's been nice out. Too bad,you're not going to be here this week. I feel up to fishing." He grinned again, beaming and blowing on his cup like it was going to help cool down the beverage.
I think I can place what it was I saw in Charlie this morning, excitement. He had no care in the world right atthat instant. He looked hopeful and a little carefree. He would never admit it to me, but I was sure he was nervous too. He had a slight tension in his shoulders like he still carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, but with all else, he looked good. His hands still shook and when he walked, he still swayed a little to the left, but really, that was the only sign of his illness. Bella coming back was a burden lifted offhis shoulders. He didn't need to worry anymore about her being so far away.
"Well I kinda was talked in to going to Chicago by a stubborn old man, or else I would take you out. Maybe you can ask Emmett to go with you. I'm sure you two would have a blast. We can go back and wake him. He's still in his underwear." I said mocking his chipper ass mood.
Rolling his eyes – I'm sure at the thought of fishing with Emmett and underwear – Charlie opened the door to his old beat up Chevy truck, getting in the driver's seat.
"What do you think you're doing?" I pressed my brows together, knowing full well he wanted to take the piece of shit truck.
"Driving you to the airport. What do you think I'm doing?" He looked at me frowning knowing I would never allow it.
"Not in that piece of shit. I don't want to miss my plane." I walked over and opened my door of the Volvo motioning him to follow.
It looked like every excuse in the book ran across his face as he walked, passing me by, over to his police cruiser.
"I'm not driving back in that foreign death trap. Get in" Now he motioned for me to follow. He used the 'parent' voice and I fell victim to being ten years old again and shuffled my feet, carrying my bag to the cruiser. If a person looked like a dog with its tail between his legs then I was it right then.
I rested my index finger on my temple and drank the last few drops of my cold coffee. I take it Charlie and I were not going to make major momentous confessions today. The big white elephant got out of the cruiser with us and stood standing next to me on the curb as I watched Charlie get out and round the front of the cruiser.
Then it hit me like a... well like something really fucking hard… it was déjà vu... The sight of Charlie walking in front of the cruiser at this airport - at this same terminal with the same look in his eyes - it made it all come back. Everything I tried to forget came back on its own accord without my fucking permission. I have been to the airport many times in the last five years since my parents' death, but nothing ever made the memories flood back into my subconscious like right now.
Charlie looked at me and I at him; I was stuck staring at his face, waiting for him to make any move, but the one I knew he was going to make. Then he called out my name the exact same way he did five years ago.
"Edward?"
"Edward?"
I heard my name and I looked up squinting into the rare sun of Seattle. Of course the world would be sunny after the day I just had. I just stepped out of the automatic door from the terminal to see Charlie and all his brilliance, cop uniform and all, standing in front of his cruiser. This was not the man I wanted to see at this moment. I just caught my girlfriend - the love of my life - with another man and now I have her father to contend with. This day just got worse and looking at the sight on his face, he seemed upset. I'm sure Bella found out I wasin Chicago to woo her back.
Fucking Alice and her big mouth.
She had to tell Bella all of my plans for moving and going to school there. My only guess that Charlie was here to receive me was to fucking rip me a new one and tell me to leave his daughter alone.
I knew I shouldn't have knocked that table over and made all the fucking noise when I spied on Bella and the Douche. Then Charlie wouldn't be standing here waiting for me, no doubt after a frantic call from Bella pleading with her father to catch up with me and kick my ass or talk some reason into me.
I didn't think Charlie would have cared too much that I went to her. He really didn't like that fact that Bella had to move so far away for school. He just wanted to protect her. I helped serve that purpose for him but I couldn't be that for her anymore considering- so yes I understood that I would most likely get served today, but I had to deal with my own actions. I didn't regret going to Bella. I regret not going back and kicking that douche's ass for sucking her face off. I regret being a frozen scared fuck and hiding in the restaurant spying on her. I regret letting her break up with me so easily and telling me to 'go home.' I regret not being a fucking man enough for her.
"What are you doing here Charlie, how did you know where I would be?" I questioned with I'm sure the dumbest ass look on my face.
Really how did he know?
I never told Alice my return flight plans and since I ran out of Chicago at the speed of light not looking back, I changed my departure times. The only people that knew I was going to be here at this exact time were my folks. I called them from Chicago and told them everything. I told them my plan, the douche, the kiss, my ass running away, but all they cared about was that I was safe. We would talk about it more when I got home. I instantly felt soothed when I talked to my dad on the phone. He had connections and got me the on the first booked flight out of there.
"I'm the chief of police, I just called and asked your flight status." He shifted his feet looking uncomfortable.
" When I called Bella, she told me you were probably flying back this afternoon." He pinched his lips together and avoided my eye contact.
"What did she tell you?" I asked.
"Edward we need to talk." Charlie took off his hat and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Look Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset Bella, but I had to go to Chicago. I had to see for myself that…" I stopped myself when Charlie looked confused to what I was saying.
"Um, Edward can you get in the car and come with me. We need to talk." He started towards me and I looked at the cruiser and back to him questioningly.
"My parents are supposed to come pick me up. They should be here soon. I called them before I boarded the plane." I hung my shoulders low and sighed, "I know you want to talk about Bella, but I'm not really in the mood right now. I just want to go home and sleep." I now rubbed my neck mimicking Charlie who was doing the same again. I immediately knew something was off.
Something wasn't right. His mood was too glum and he looked too reserved.
"Edward, I'm not here about Bella…" He paused. I had a bad feeling and it wasn't good.
From the pit of my stomach, I knew something happened. You know the feeling where you know the answer, but you want to play dumb as long as you can to fight the realization of the truth. The incredible knowing that something was indeed going to change my life was staring me in the face, standing right next to me and patting my on the back. I had to brace myself for whatever Charlie had up his sleeve because now I knew that my parents were still not here. They were late and Charlie was in their place. You never want to have a cop show up at your door because he would most defiantly be the bearer of bad news. Someone was either hurt or dead.. Your life is over and never to go back to normal. The changes of events will stem from every breath you take from this moment on.
I took my final breath with the ignorance that my parents were safe on their way to the airport right now. I felt the fall wind blow silently against my skin as I stood looking at Charlie and I finally read the remorse in his eyes. Even if he couldn't say it yet, I knew the truth.
"What happened to them? Where are they?" The sting of tears was biting at the back of my eyes. I had to stay strong until he finally said the word. I couldn't fall apart yet. It's still not real.
"Edward, please get into the car." He pleaded with me while walking up and taking my duffel bag into his hand.
"Where are they, Charlie?" I repeated and still stood motionless. I wasn't going to budge until I either saw my parents or Charlie got the balls to tell me what was going on. He pulled at my arm trying to move me in the direction of the cruiser. I didn't budge.
I had to hear it. I had to hear the words.
"Just say it Charlie, say it out loud." Pulling my arm out of his grasp.
"They aren't coming." I could see Charlie give up his inner fight to get me to the car. He knew me well enough to know that I wasn't just a dumb kid anymore.
Just then, Charlie's chin quivered just a touch and my resolve went to shit.
"FUCK IT CHARLIE! TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!" I screamed loud enough that out of my peripheral vision I saw a small group turn and gawk. Then I could feel cry well from my chest and exit out my mouth.
Before I could fall down, Charlie took me into his embrace and held me as hard as he could so I wouldn't fall apart on the curb. It was the first time that Charlie had ever hugged me. I heard him start to bellow out muted sobs as his body just shook next to mine. We both stood there hugging and shaking but no sounds and I knew now that my parents were never coming to get me. They were never making it to the airport. I grabbed at a piece of shirt on Charlie's back and squeezed, pulling it. My other hand stayed at my side hanging like a limp noodle, not knowing what to do with it. My mouth hung open and I wanted to scream, but nothing came out. I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could in hopes of willing this fucking moment away. When I opened them, Charlie was still there clutching me with all the strength he had. I let my other arm fall from the back of his shirt.
I felt numb. For the first time in my life, I felt nothing. How could this get worse? The walls were starting to form and I felt my guard begin to rise.
He still hadn't said the words, so in vane attempts I still had hope that he was crying over something else. Like the Mariners traded some MVP or something and he couldn't deal so the first thing he thought of doing was coming here needing a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn't be locked behind my imaginary wall if I heard the right words. That my parents were… …
But that was stupid.I was stupid.
"What happened to them?" I managed to whisper after a long silence and the shaking was over.
Charlie let go of me and put his hands on my shoulders. "There was an accident.They say it was drunk driving…" He bit back his words as another quiet sob raked through his body.
"Where are they? Are they okay?" I still had hope.
"They're gone Edward," He said looking at me. Those were the words. The last brick in the wall was in place.
I was shutting down.
A minute ago, I was snotty and shake hugging a man in public, as I should be, given what I just found out but now a wave or calmness settled over me and I felt grief of course. But I felt anger start to swell up in me. I just lost my parents to a careless fuck who couldn't say no and decided to put the lives of everyone, not just my parents, in danger.
'Just say no' repeated in my head as I felt my fists turn to rocks and my eyes turn to daggers looking at Charlie, knowing he had more answers. I wanted to know how and why this happened. I wanted revenge and I wanted it quick. I wanted to kill the bastard for taking away what meant most to me in this world, even before Bella.
"Is the other driver dead, the drunk driver?" I questioned Charlie in a cool hiss.
Charlie turned away from me not looking at my eyes anymore. He was hiding something he didn't want me to know.
"Well, is he? Is he dead or not? I want to see this fucker if he's alive Charlie, so help me god!" I growled at him.
"The other driver was a women and her two year old son, Edward." He looked again at me, trying to appease me.
"A women?" I didn't believe him. Drunk drivers were always middle-aged men who never gave a shit.
"She died, but the boy is in the hospital in serious condition. He's expected to live." This was all too much to handle. How could a mother put her own child in that kind of danger. Maybe it was a good thing she died.
That was terrible to think, but I couldn't help it and I wasn't sorry I felt it either.
"She wasn't the one who was drinking and driving." Charlie choked out as his chin started to quiver again. I felt his hands tighten on my shoulders with what he told me next.
"Your father was the one drinking." The bile in my stomach instantly rose up and I forced it out of my mouth as I heaved over, throwing up all over the pavement in front of me. Charlie took a step back, but still kept his hands on my shoulders. Holding me together.
"My dad?" I managed to choke out. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't compute anymore information.
"My dad isn't a drunk, why would he be drinking?" Shaking my head. "Are you sure? There wasn't anybody else?"
"Yes, they tested his blood alcohol level at the hospital and granted it wasn't high, but it was still above the legal limit… enough that he was impaired." Charlie breathed and continued, "Your mother made it through the accident. She was only with us for ten minutes at the accident scene before she…" He paused again and rubbed my back comforting me.
I looked up at Charlie not really hearing him, but fully acknowledging every word he said.
"She was still alive?" I blinked.
He nodded and pressed his lips together, thinking over his next words, "She died on scene, but she managed to speak a little before she went. I talked to her. She said your father fell asleep behind the wheel." He patted my shoulders again and gave another tight squeeze as I inhaled deeply through my nose getting ready to hear my mother's final words.
"She said to tell you she loves you very much and is proud of you… … She said to not give up on Bella." With this, Charlie let go of my shoulders and stood before me. "She said to always follow your heart. Don't blame anyone because she knew you would."
I closed my eyes.
And that was it. My mother's last word and declarations. Not to blame anyone.
The tears were soaking my cheeks now and I didn't hold it back any longer. I let the wall fall a little because it tore my heart up to hear my mother's last words. She knew I would place blame on myself and she was right.
My mind raced over the face of my father. I was pissed that my father was so careless that he would drink and drive, putting my mother and two innocent people in danger. Then Bella's face appeared out of nowhere and I grew mad and anxious; I knew that if I didn't see her with that douche, I would have never ran away for home like a wimp making my parents come to get me.
Then I felt disgusted with myself for being a coward and not manning up. I caused all this too. I was the instigator. The final straw that broke the camel's back. I was the lost piece of the puzzle. Whatever metaphor you can think of, I was the reason why it happened. It made me sick to my stomach that I was weak enough not to run back to Bella-that I set the butterfly effect in motion that brings me here right now.
Bella and my father made choices too. I wasn't all the blame. They set their own butterfly effect the day that they made their said choices, Bella to cheat and my father to drink. If Bella didn't cheat on me........if Bella never broke up with me, this would be a whole other story. She was to blame. She instigated everything. She was the reason for everything in my life and now she was the reason my parents are dead.
I had no one to go home too.
I was an orphan.
I felt a kinship with the little boy in the hospital. He was alone now too. He lost everything by my actions and he will never know his mother the way I knew mine. This little boy is going to go through his life and miss the things that matter the most with your mother. I got to experience it all with mine, but he was robbed of it. All because of me and all because of Bella.
Then it killed me that my mother's final words spoke Bella's name. She didn't want me to give up on her. My mother was still the optimistic on her death bead, but that thought was never going to mature now. I had to make some decisions now and the first will be the little boy.
"Can I see him?" I blinked up at Charlie through my watery eyes. Wiping my cheeks, I took my bag from the ground where Charlie dropped it.
"See who?"
"I want to see the little boy, the kid in the accident." I threw my duffel over my shoulder and walked to the cruiser leaving Charlie standing behind me.
"Um, that might not be a good idea Edward. You just lost your parents and we need to go sit down somewhere to talk… make arrangements." Charlie turned walking to me again.
"What's his name?" I stopped, holding the passenger door open. I closed my eyes ready to hear the name of the person who I would be attached with forever. The guilt and burden I now carried down from my father was mine to handle.
"His name is Seth. Seth Clearwater."
"Edward?" Charlie leaned on the hood of the cruiser glaring up at me. I shook my head and realized that flashbacks are a bitch. I haven't officially thought of that night since, that night. I had spare memories here and there, but nothing brought me back to the exact events that changed my life forever than the sight of Charlie walking around his cruiser.
"What Charlie?" I sighed bringing my hand through my hair.
"Did you get everything?" He tensed up his back, looking a little in pain.
"Yeah, I got it. Thanks" I nodded and went to shake his hand or hug him. I don't know, I had to show the man some sort of affection. I would miss him for the next couple of days. Emmett was there to help him out when he needed it, but I still felt uneasy leaving Charlie all alone.
He shook my hand and we both did the awkward shuffle dance where you don't know if you're going to pull each other into a hug or just say 'fuck it' and pat a shoulder. I opted for the 'fuck it' and pulled him in for a hug.
When Bella and I got back, Charlie wasn't going to need me anymore. He would have Bella to rely on. In more ways than one, this was our goodbye. It never really occurred to me until now that I was going to miss him. He was my father for all tense in purposes and hugging him now was as painful as losing my father five years ago. I had to let my parents go on this very same curb I was letting Charlie go on. I was losing my family all over again and it fucking sucked. The tears started to well in my eyes because I knew Charlie felt it too. The big white elephant still stood next to us not saying a goddamn word. I released him from my bear hug and turned around before he could object or see my wet eyes.
I had to just walk away now or I never would.
I was going to lose it even more if I had to look back, so it wasn't an option. Preparing for this is never something someone can really… well… prepare for. I could wax philosophical all day, but it would never make the pain any less. There was no fucking instruction booklet telling you how to cope with losing an almost father or the man who means more to you right now than life itself.
I would die before I would hurt Charlie and his farewell wish to me was to return his daughter.
I approached the counter and waited for the attendant to address me.
"Good morning sir."
I handed her my itinerary, driver's license, and confirmation number without saying a word.
She eyed me and half smiled, "Thank you sir."
"I'm a deputy with the Forks Police Department and I would like to declare my service weapon."
She looked a little surprised at my request, but brushed it away quickly. "I will call security to inspect your weapon." With that, she phoned security and within a second, I had two plain clothed men flanking my side.
They quickly inspected my weapon and case, also checking my credentials. One asked why I was armed for travel and I stated simply, "For protection." I always traveled with my side arm. They marked my bag and we exchanged pleasantries.
Finishing up, I took my boarding pass and stepped away from the desk.
I walked in the terminal, only glancing back once because I new Charlie was gone by now. The big ass white elephant still stood out there protecting our metaphoric baggage we left on the curb. Charlie's and mine. I had to let Charlie go now. I had to give him up, for her.
He was her family and I didn't have any left.
I was an orphan.
I was like Seth Clearwater.
I looked at the departures and arrivals and saw my gate number. It was time to get this shit over with.
A/N Next up will be Bella! Edward is taking a much needed break and getting some sleep on the plane ride.
I would also like to rec some great fics that I'm raving about right now
Stripped by Punkfarie and Vamp_sessed, They collab a great fic, and I make Punk giggle:)
Something Wicked this Way Comes by SendMeAnEdward, this is the funniest story I ever read. She's great, check her out!
Alight folks, leave a review...it might make Edward feel better:)