Nope, still don't own Naruto.
'Thinking'
"Kyuubi speaking"
-Sound Effect-
'Jutsu'
"Never use the 'M' word."
Hebikuro Akumaru, head librarian of Konoha Central Library, came to with a pitiful groan, wincing at the grinding pain in his head.
'Ok, I know I didn't go out drinking last night, so why am I hung over?'
Images flickered sluggishly in his mind's eye. Closing the library for the night…walking along the main street to his apartment…opening his door and…a banana peel? Yes, slipping on a banana peel, then a harsh chemical smell as he lay stunned, and then…nothing.
'Must have hit my head.' He thought. Reaching up to rub his aching temples, the librarian's eyes bolted open at the feel of rough cord binding his wrists, only to whimper as the action sent a jag of pain into his skull.
"Ah, I see you've returned to the land of the conscious, my boy," came a voice from behind him, a smile clearly audible in the tone. "I would apologise for the poor quality of your accommodations, but to be brutally frank I can't truly muster the inclination."
"Who...?"
"Of course, introductions." Chuckled the figure as it stepped into the prisoner's field of vision. "I am Hyakumoku Daihon, Chief Archivist of the Daimyo of Hi no Kuni, Head Librarian of the National Library and, most importantly for you, the recipient of some rather disquieting news concerning the actions of the staff of Konoha Central Library."
"What news?" croaked a voice Akumaru recognised as that of his main assistant Ahotobi. Turning his head, the bound librarian's eyes widened at the sight of his entire staff tied firmly to chairs (taken from the library break room, if he saw aright).
"I'm glad you asked, Ahotobi-san," replied Daihon, his genial, grandfatherly tone utterly failing to hide his distinct air of menace.
"Not long ago, a Konoha Genin team visited the Capital to retrieve a consignment of texts bequeathed to the village. Imagine my shock and dismay when I was informed in conversation with one of these Genin that your vaunted library has taken it upon itself to deny him entry with no good reason."
"I don't know what you're talking about!" shouted Temeko Toki (head of the Reference Section) from her bound position. "We've never refused entry without good reason!"
"Really?" answered Daihon, grandfatherly demeanour slipping slightly. "I have checked through your records during your brief slumber. Three times one Uzumaki Naruto has applied for a library card, only to be three times rejected with no reason cited. Would anyone care to explain?"
"Of course it was rejected! We couldn't allow that thing in here!"
"And why not?" queried the great Librarian, his tone cool.
"What do you mean, 'Why not?'" shouted one of the lower-tier librarians. "It's the demon brat, what more reason do you need?"
Daihon sighed at the chorus of agreement that followed the yell. Patiently awaiting quiet, he drew a small but thick and well-thumbed book from a pocket, gently leafing through it as the shouting faded into puzzled silence.
"Ah!" he said brightly as the last prisoner finished speaking. "Much better. Do remember that we are in a library.
"To return to the matter at hand, then, you say that you have refused him entry to this public library with nothing more than an insulting nickname as a reason, correct?"
Breezing over his captive's attempts at argument, correction or justification, Daihon flipped to a marked page in the small book, cleared his throat and began to read.
"'Omniversal Librarian's Confederation Codes and Laws, Section C, Subsection Seven, Article Twelve: No being shall be denied entry to any non-restricted public library who does not prove a clear, present and provable threat to the contents, occupants and/or structure of said public library.'
"Rather clear and unequivocal, wouldn't you say, my friends?"
Daihon allowed himself a brief spark of satisfaction at the gob-smacked expressions on the faces of his captives before Hebikuro managed to pull himself together enough to object.
"Wh- You can't be serious!"
"I am entirely serious. Refusing entry on the grounds of something as flimsy as "he's a demon brat" is quite clearly against the O.L.C's bi-laws. You and your co-workers have as good as admitted to it, as well.
"Now," he continued, clasping his hands at his waist thoughtfully, "There is the matter of your punishment…"
"Hah! Do your worst!" snapped Temeko (ignoring her co-worker's glares and shushing noises). "Like that's going to scare us! Any civilian court in the village will come down on our side, you know!"
"And as you are not shinobi, I do not have legal recourse to go to the Hokage, yes, I know. Oh come now," he said chidingly at the startled looks. "Did you really think I wouldn't do my research before coming here? I am Librarian, after all."
"Then…"asked one of the junior librarians nervously, "What are you going to do?"
"Why, I intend to refer the matter to a higher level." Was Daihon's glib reply, bony fingers flicking through handseals.
"Kuchiose no Jutsu: Head Librarian!"
From the telltale smoke of the summoning issued a leathery hand covered in red hair, which Daihon shook.
"Thank you for coming, Sir. These are the guilty parties."
"Ook?"
"Yes, admitted it quite freely. I'd almost go so far as to say proudly."
"Ook. Ook eek."
"Quite right, shameful indeed."
Hebikuro, who along with his co-workers had been staring incredulously at the bi-play between the two, finally forced the words out.
"W-What the hell is going on here? What is that?!"
"Ah!" exclaimed Daihon, clapping a hand on a red-haired shoulder. "My apologies. My friends, may I present the Librarian, Head of the Omniversal Librarian's Confederation. He will be determining your punishment."
"Ook!" grinned the hunched figure, exposing a great number of yellow teeth and somehow managing to cram a good deal of cheerful menace into the single syllable.
A bark of laughter was the response.
"You have got to be joking!" chuckled Temeko scornfully. "A monkey? A monkey is going to punish us?"
"…ook?"
"Oh dear," sighed Daihon at the sound of knuckles cracking (and the Librarian had a lot of knuckles to crack). "You really shouldn't have called him that."
Briskly striding to the door, the gaunt man winced as the first of the screaming began, interspersed with shrieks of simian rage.
"Yes," he sighed. "He really doesn't like the 'M' word."
Naruto received his library card by courier a few days later. The staff at Konoha Central Library were released from intensive care roughly three weeks after that.
None of them would ever be able to look at a banana without screaming again.
Author's Notes:
Well, here's the latest update of 'Tales'. Yes, I like the Discworld series. Such lovely imagery, so very quotable!
I have more than a few ideas for future entries in 'Tales', some of which are related to 'Oops!' canon, others that are very much not. That being said, I'm open to adoption requests for the non-canon ones, as long as some credit is given for the original idea. Just P.M. me if you're interested.
and now, Reviews:
T3Ko: Indeed. the Noodly One is great. Yarr.
Sithking Zero: Hmm, a good point. Plus, as we know, a named item will always out-perform it's un-named equivalent. Sword Samurai X would probably do some good against an AT field as well. Interesting...
As for the frightening thing, i can safely say that my work is done, then.
Lord Sia: Monty Python? close, my friend, but not quite!
Dark Angel: Version 4.0: Either that or Jake and Elwood defeat Hidan through the power of Music. that would be cool. Shades of "The REAL sound nin", perhaps?
Bobboky: "Cannon"? Pun intended? If so, it's a good one.
Quathis: For some reason, you made me imagine a possible crossover between Naruto and Hellsing in which Hidan runs into Paladin Alexander Andersong. now THERE'S a fight that'll take a while. And you know neither will want to stop once they get started.
CelticReaper: Thank you kindly, mate. As for the newest chapter, behold!
Karnen: Thankee!
Midoriryu: Smylingsnake's Rules of Fanfiction Number One: If there may be hidden depths to a character, explore them!
Glad you liked it!
Midoriryu (Ep. II): Again, i'm glad this humble fic got a laugh.
Firehedgehog: You're welcome.
Legna123: An interesting thought, both of these. cheers!
Belle Mort 13: Now THAT's a reccomendation! thanks you very much!
Narf the Mouse: Heh. "Kuchiose no Jutsu: Over-Affectionate Kitten Horde!"
Neji is going to have fun with his contract, methinks.
Prustan: Interesting idea, that. I'll give it some thought, though i already have some ideas as to how to explore the Cat Contract.
I must admit, I had no idea just how popular Kitten-Freak Neji would be. it's a little scary, sometimes.
kyuubi27: Thank you kindly!
Flames Chaos and Wolf: If you'd like to borrow an idea, just PM me first and we'll discuss it.
Paulthored: It's mentioned toward the end of 'Giving is it's own Reward', when Shizune opens her gift. Naruto gave her a bottle of luxury-grade sake.
Come on, what else would Tsunade get as a gift?
daniel 29: Yeah, i can understand that. And yes, i did borrow the title from Blues Brothers, but that's all. Hope you liked it anyway.
Darchias: Is summoning an Irate Orangutan good enough?
I really like the Summoning jutsu as a writing tool. it allows for so much potential.
Well, that's it for the reviews for now. I'm honestly not sure what the next iteration of this Drabble display will be. I have about three potential updates fizzing around in my frontal lobes at the moment and little clue as to which one to post. Rest assured, though, I'll do my best to make them memorable.
Thanks for reading, my friends.
Smylingsnake out.