A/N Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews! Sorry it took so long between updates. I went on my own road trip and honest to god saw a U-Haul pulling a teal car! No joke! Other then that, I have been pretty lazy and oh ya, being a working mother! LOL!
I would love to thank MissAlex (author of Rebel Without A Cause) for being my best BFFF and now my official VIP of Content Mastery! I'm printing out business cards since we are- in our own small world- a pretty big deal. LOL! Really, Alex you help me out so much and I heart you back!! Also my dear, it's Tuesday are we serious about Tuesday night calling sessions? LOL!! I'm game:)
Alex and I also started a One-Shot Lurkers Challenge Contest and would love for you all to join us. Details are in my profile. Deadline is August 15th.
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Also much thanks to Annabella Laurie for being a cool beta!!
SMEYER owns all of this
Chapter 11-The First Mile is the Longest
We made it all the way to the stop sign a few houses down my street before the utter doom of silence was too much for me to bear. As the truck rolled to a stop, I felt defeated and at a loss of control over my own life. The dilapidated moving truck started moving again and I settled into my seat, aware of the invisible line that divided us not only physically, but emotionally as well. It was a line that I most certainly was not going to cross. I sighed, feeling absolutely defeated.
How in the world did this happen to me?
Right now, I was so out of my element. I didn't know if I should kick back and relax; putting my feet up on the dash like I'm used to, or just cower at the edge of the seat while trying to avoid all eye contact with the all too hot ex-boyfriend to my left.
Trying to distract myself, I crossed my arms over my chest and surveyed the inside of the cab. I really could've picked a nicer truck, but I was tight on funds and thought that it would be fun to rough it. Now that I had time to think about it, I wished I'd picked a newer model because I really wanted a decent radio to drown out the insane quiet that surrounded me.
Good thing I had my iPod. I was about to reach in my bag and grab it when I realized that it would probably be rude and would seem like I was trying to ignore him. Sure, it was awkward in here, but I didn't want to give him a reason to be even angrier with me. That and I was too afraid to actually move and draw attention to myself, but the silence was getting to be too much so I decided to break the silence first, just to see how Edward responded. If it goes badly, then iPod it is.
"So…?" I began, having no idea what to say to him.
He shot me a cautious look before turning onto the main road, seemingly confused by my attempt to start a conversation with him.
"So...?" he repeated, only slower. How is it possible that he looks so good driving this piece of crap truck. Snap out of it!
"Yea… so?" I clucked my tongue at the top of mouth filling the cab with my stupid mouth noises. I felt a wave of embarrassment sweep over me as my mind was drawing blanks. I was speechless. Edward was making me speechless.
Edward glanced my direction, then re-situated himself in his spot. He forced an over dramatic sigh and turned to look at the road again.
Rolling my eyes, I uncrossed my arms. This wasn't getting me anywhere. Maybe I could just ask him about Charlie. I internally was kicking myself in the shins for forgetting to call him when I was at home. It was my main purpose before I broke down in front of Alice. Now talking about Charlie might be a good way to get the conversation rolling because it's a mutual, yet neutral topic for us to discuss. I had no idea what Edward was doing these days and had no clue if he liked the same things he used to, so having a general conversation about movies or music would have to wait until I felt out his personality some more. It'd been five years and people changed a lot in that amount of time. I know I had.
Even though I was very upset with my father, I had to know what Edward thought of his condition when he left. I talked to my dad the day before and he said he was fine, but Charlie had always been good at putting up a front and masking his feelings so I didn't really know for sure how he was doing. I used to be good at seeing through his facade, but it's a lot harder to do over the phone. He never wanted to trouble me even though he knew very well that he could never be a bother to me.
"How was my dad when you left? Did you see him?" I asked.
Edward shifted in his seat and scrunched up his eyes. "Yeah, I saw him. He drove me to the airport."
I let out a laugh. "Ha! He took you to the airport? I guess he was feeling fine then."
I felt totally annoyed. Not only was my father pushing Edward on me, but it seemed that he was pushing Edward too. My father hadn't driven much in the last couple of months so for him to take Edward to the airport, told me he felt a lot better. It made me feel good to know that he was capable of doing that and it was amusing that Edward let Charlie take him. Knowing Charlie, I was sure that they drove the cruiser.
"Cruiser or truck?" I asked, just for the fun of it. I knew without a doubt that Edward would never take my old, beat-up Chevy.
"Ugh! Do you even have to ask?" he smirked and groaned at the same time. "I thought you knew me better than that." he laughed lightly, "We drove the cruiser. He wouldn't let the station take it back. Besides, he wouldn't sit his ass in my car. He called my car a foreign death trap or some crap." He seemed to remember Charlie's glib remark with fondness as he shared with me a small smile even if it was just for a minute. That little moment brought me back to the old Edward I remembered from what was so long ago now. It felt like home.
I remember how Charlie told me about Edward buying a Volvo after his parents died. His parents left him with more than enough money that Edward could live very comfortably for the rest of his life. It still gave me the chills to think about his parents. I missed them. Edward still had the remnants of the smile he just shared and his eyes for the first time today seemed bright. I was thankful that he had kept his sunglasses off so I could catch glimpses of his vibrant green eyes. They were the one thing that never changed about him. His clothes, his shoes, his hair all changed, but I knew my Edward by his eyes. They told me everything. But he just as quickly as he shared that tender moment- it was gone; replaced by his hard pressed lips and menacing scowl.
I composed myself and chuckled. "Sounds like something Charlie would say." I paused. "Should I even ask what he said in order to get you here? What lies did he tell you?" I was still trying not to look over at his side of the cab. I didn't trust myself, but I could make out his movement close enough.
Edward rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully before speaking again. He finally grunted and propped his elbow on the door, steering with only one hand.
"Charlie never lied to get me here. He told me what I needed to hear, I guess." He glanced over at me as I crossed my legs. I noticed his gaze hovered on my legs for a bit longer than normal. I cleared my throat and his eyes shot up to my face. He looked bashful. Busted. He had both hands on the wheel now and he seemed more edgy than before. He was gripping it for dear life. His face looked like he just bit the most sour lemon and his forehead creased so deep I swear it would leave a lasting mark. He looked pained and in a way, I didn't mind it because he was checking me out.
Wait, shut up Bella! You don't want him to check you out. Or do I?
He cleared me of my thoughts, speaking again, he voice more gravelly.
"The only thing he left out was that you didn't know I was coming," he mumbled, reaching between his legs and touching what looked like his phone. He hid it and I was curious to know why he guarded it so closely. I remembered how he snapped at me when I mentioned using his phone earlier in front of Alice. I didn't forget the more cavalier attitude he just displayed as he now looked stiff and refined. This made me wonder what he was hiding. I had a gut feeling there was something he didn't want me to know. So, what better way to find out than to see if I can make him squirm.
"Edward, if you don't mind can I use your phone to call Charlie? Mine phone had an unexpected drip down the sink." I asked while I watched his hand squeeze the phone in between his legs. I arched my eyebrow at him and waited for his response. My trickery might work.
Edward guffawed and handled his phone more before speaking. "I can't... it's ahh… out of juice right now. I forgot my car charger and only have my wall charger." He was lying through his teeth and I could tell since his ears turned bright red. It was his dead giveaway. Busted again! He knew he could never keep anything from me, I read him too well and it looks like things never changed.
I eyed his phone closely and noticed it looked a lot like my now drowned phone. "Your phone looks a lot like mine." I told him. "I have my charger in my bag, not that it would be much use until now." I began to reach behind me to locate my duffle bag when I heard Edward huff and mumble something I didn't quite catch. I looked over my shoulder before picking through my bag.
"Why can't you wait until we pull over at a truck stop or something?" He spouted quickly, holding his phone tighter against his leg.
"What's wrong with using your phone?" I chided, knowing that I was pushing more buttons. If he didn't want me to use his phone, he could have just said so.
"There is nothing wrong with my phone, but if we need it for an emergency I don't need you draining all the battery, gabbing to your old man or your douche... I mean your fiancé." Edward stammered as he pulled down the sun visors, shielding his eyes from the now invasive sun.
I felt my mouth drop open ready to come back with some witty retort, but I was still falling short on any. "Quit calling him a douche." I say, then I just realized he said, 'fiancé' instead of 'boyfriend'. He knew. I haven't told anyone at home. I wasn't ready too yet.
"Fine, your fiancé." he reasoned.
Is this why Edward is here, because of my engagement? Was this jealously? Was he going to try to repeat New Years? Was this going to drive me crazy wondering? Yes!
"Charlie told you we're engaged?" I recanted quietly. Edward continued to stare into the distance in front of us while steering with his knee. He took his sunglasses that were hanging on the neck of his shirt and carefully unfolded the arms to place them on his face. He whisked back a few stray chunks of reddish brown hair before he ran his hand the full length of his head, rubbing the back of his scalp.
"Yes, he told me last week when I took him out on the boat. " He stopped his palpitating circles.
"Oh."
"Anyway, Congratulations." He whispered pressing his lips in a hard line.
"Thanks." I said back almost just as silently as he did. This part of my life was not something I wanted to delve into with him, at least not yet. I didn't know how much he really knew; like when I got engaged or how, but from the bottom of my heart I couldn't bear to tell him any details.
Brushing the awkwardness aside, I still wasn't finished inquiring about my father though, so I forced myself to stop thinking about his cell phone or the weird admittance of Jake and I's relationship status. "So how is Charlie? Has he been eating? I know he has his treatment today so who's taking him?" I tried not to prattle and to let the fact that Edward knew more about my father's health than I did, bug me.
He visibly tensed. "Why don't you ask him, Bella?" he spat. I recoiled at his harsh jab, which was unexpected. He went from being sincere and contemplative to apprehensive and downright rude.
"I would if I had a fucking phone to use!" I bit back but we both knew it wasn't the phone that made me say that. His attitude was running hot and cold and really he was acting bipolar. He was just almost pleasant when congratulating me on my engagement and now he looked like Satan spitting his fire breath on a field of daisies. I felt like I had to fight with him to just keep up.
My chest felt like it was going to burst from the anger building up inside me. How dare he?! He knew Charlie chose not to tell me about the specifics of his treatment and what he was going through because he didn't want to burden me when he knew I was going through so much at school. I argued with him many times but he was still adamant about letting me get through my Masters degree first before allowing me to take care of him.
He already hated the fact that I would let my life be consumed by his illness when I was at home on break. He wanted me to go out and have fun, but how could I when my father was wasting away at home? I felt incredibly guilty that it was Edward by my father's side each day and not me.
"Please, don't be like that," I said through clenched teeth. "You know how Charlie is with me."
Edward veered to the right, the sudden movement throwing me against the passenger side door. I leaned back and rubbed my arm as it got smashed on the armrest. Mentally, I cursed Edward. I understood his frustration with me, but he didn't need to act this way. Although, I was pretty sure he was frustrated with himself as well.
He opened his mouth, quickly closing it. He waited, and then spoke again. I assumed he was about to argue with me, but what actually came out of his mouth shocked me. It was compliance.
"He was having a good day yesterday, but this morning when I called to check up on him, Emmett said he was having a hard time walking. He has no strength. Emmett tried to feed him, but Charlie wouldn't eat. It was funny because yesterday morning when he took me to the airport he was more alert and active than I have seen him in months."
My traitor tears almost got the best of me. The lump in the back of my throat was back again since this morning and I almost gurgled a cry, but I managed to conceal any outward signs how this news affected me. I was the one who had to remain strong. Charlie didn't need a groveling mess of a daughter coming back to him. It wasn't fair, he showed more bravery than ten men combined and I was the simpleton standing on his toes, waiting for his guidance. I would always be his little girl and right now, I had to be the woman he needed me to be. My mom gave up her position and I was the one who needed to reclaim it. I smeared away any hurt and admission and decided to play the wild card.
"That's because he knew he was getting his way with you," I half-joked, not ready to hear how fragile my father had become in just one day. I was playing it safe.
"Bella, his health isn't anything to joke about," Edward scolded harshly. I felt the disapproval drip from his every word.
Tears brimmed my eyes in response to Edward's comment. The floodgates were starting to breech and I knew it was a matter of time before I was a crying fool in front of Edward. He seemed to think ill of me when it came to my father and who could blame him; I was just as good as the River Denial.
"I know it's not a joking matter, but sometimes when I hear the bad news about his health and I can't be there, my guilt overwhelms me." I swiped a tear off my cheek before it fell down too far for Edward to notice. "It's too much. It's just easier to crack a joke than to deal with it right now. I want to hear it, but at the same time, it hurts me." I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and tried hard not to sniffle, but I think I was fooling myself that he didn't notice me crying.
Edward nodded.
He didn't say anything in return so I considered the subject dropped. I really wanted to lay my head on Alice's shoulder again, and this time, I wouldn't be opposed to dancing the Locomotion or something in order to feel better. I missed her so much already and it's only been a few moments
Alice.
I thought I caught some hurt and disappointment on Alice's face when I didn't say anything as I hugged her goodbye. I couldn't say anything. If I did, then I knew I might not leave. So I hugged her as best I could and as hard as I could, trying to convey every emotion I was feeling that moment without having to speak. It was deterring at best, and I was emotionally exhausted. And it was only eleven in the morning!
Alice could tell that everything I'd learned this morning had taken its toll on me. I saw it in her eyes as I gave her one last squeeze and a warm smile. Things between her and I were going to be okay. We both knew that. However, understanding where she was coming from was a little harder to grasp because she was fighting for her own well-being as well as my own. It seemed like everyone this morning was in a fight, whether it be for self control, sanity, or matters of the heart.
It didn't go unnoticed by me that Edward kissed Alice on the cheek. I'd never seen him affectionate towards her at all and her blush spurred him to raise the corner of his mouth in a smug grin. I was glad I wasn't the only one who was so enamored by his charm and charisma, but I made a bet with myself that I wouldn't allow myself to be bamboozled by him again. It was already proving to be a daunting challenge.
My head was still spinning from all the events that took place this morning. Just preparing myself to get to the truck door had proven to be a tough task. It felt like I was holding the door shut so I wouldn't fall from the thick air of egotism that pushed and prodded me from all sides.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him look over at me in a covert fashion. He sized me up and I knew it. Secretly, I watched him as we drove in complete silence. All the previous exchanges we just shared seemed to be forgotten already. I wasn't paying attention to the road or where he was turning because my thoughts were too muddled at the moment to care. There was too much going on in my head and I was doing some sizing up of my own, paying close attention to how Edward reacted to various things.
His face was void of any emotion. He focused on the road as we left my neighborhood, his jaw set like stone. I could feel the tension radiating from his body. His arms were particularly tense. He'd taken off his leather jacket when Alice and I were inside and his short-sleeved t-shirt was hiked up high on his biceps. His forearms were strong. The muscles flexed as he gripped the steering wheel tightly. Over and over he rubbed, tightening his grip until I thought the steering wheel would fall right off.
I wondered what Edward was thinking. He knew about Jake now, but he didn't react as I thought he would. Really, what was I expecting? Edward wasn't going to yell or complain that I was making the wrong decision. To him, it felt like I jabbed him with a pitch fork and his whisper of congratulations was his last breath. I defeated him a long time ago and he had no fight left for me. Jake didn't feel like he had that fight for me either.
As I thought about it, I wasn't as shocked as I should've been to find out that Jake was messing around with Leah. It stung when Alice told me, but it surprised me that I didn't want to yell and scream, or hunt him down and kill him. It was as if I knew that deep down I deserved it. I never noticed Jake pulling away from me, but at the same time, I knew that I wasn't giving our relationship all I could, so it really wasn't all that surprising to me.
Edward made a left turn and I swayed with the motion of the truck. He looked tired. I played with the edge of the door handle and memorized the black smudges that marked the smooth surface. My mind started to wander over the events of today and the repercussions that I would have to deal with later on.
It was so unfair to Jake that I never put him up on the same pedestal that he placed me on. In retrospect, finding out that Jake was "maybe" cheating on me, only told me that I had to get Edward out of my head in order to give myself fully to Jake. I wasn't going to let Leah take him away from me. She was not going to be the end of us. But in order to continue on with Jake, I knew I had to tell him about Edward. Even though, at first, it would cause an even bigger rift between us, in the end, it would be the only thing that could save us. Honesty was the way to go. I couldn't lie to myself or him anymore.
I couldn't believe it - Leah of all people! I trusted him with her because she was my friend and she took that trust and flaunted it in my face. I was angry with him for letting Leah be the one to get in the way. I still had to face her at home when she graduated. Leah Clearwater would eventually get a piece of my mind, I just wasn't sure when.
Even knowing all this, I still made the decision to leave with Edward, without a drop of remorse. I couldn't ignore what just happened with Edward and me. I knew we needed closure and this road trip would provide me with that. It would give me what I needed in order to talk with Jake and fix our relationship.
But who was I to say what Jake and Leah did was wrong? All I knew was that they were 'together... close...touching...too much,' as Alice put it. He wasn't any better than I was. Really, I had no right to be mad. How could I blame him for something I did to him? The question at hand: Was I ready to come clean about what happened with Edward? The answer: No way, not yet. Cheating on Jake on New Years was never my intention. Waking up that morning, I had no idea just how much my life would change after that night. I never would've thought I would end up getting my hooha pleasured and my heart ripped out by one man, and accept a marriage proposal from another. Who does that? Dirty sluts, that's who. I was ashamed of myself.
I was on autopilot after that night. The amount of guilt I placed on myself was too vast to bear so I pushed it out of my mind and thought long and hard about why I was even with Jake in the first place. That answer wasn't too hard to figure out. Jake was there for me when I fell off my emotional rollercoaster ride with Edward. Jake saved me when I didn't think I could live again.
At the time, I thought it was wrong to start a relationship with Jake so soon after Edward left me, but in hindsight, I had nothing inside anymore so it was the best thing for me at the time. I liked him so it seemed right. I just wanted to feel loved again even if I couldn't fully reciprocate his feelings for me. Jake said he didn't care. Jake never made any assumptions on my love. That was an unwritten rule. He was willing to put himself out there on the chance I would give myself fully to him in return. He said that he was there by my side, unlike Edward, so I trusted him and let myself go into his arms willingly.
He put a lot of pressure on me to set a date for our wedding, but with everything that happened, I could never gather up enough courage to give him what he wanted. On one hand, I wanted to marry Jake and be an honest wife, living the happy life that I knew he would provide for me, while on the other hand, I wanted the love, excitement, and pleasure I knew Edward would provide for me.
When Edward came back on New Years, I got scared and ran away. He came out of the blue, much like today, and my reaction was the same as it had been this morning. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Jake never gave me any reason to abandon all rational and just throw everything I worked so hard for out the window. Edward did – and now I was sitting next to him in this truck, fawning over his every muscle twitch.
I had to pull myself away from him or else I was going to make myself crazy, not that I really planned to be in this position ten minutes ago. After all, Emmett was supposed to make this journey with me and I had everything planned to a tee. I researched our route, where to stop and what to do. Since a huge monkey wrench had been thrown into my plans and now Edward was in the driver's seat, I was pretty sure that Charlie had failed to mention to him that I wanted to visit my mom and make this a mini road trip as well.
As Edward started to pull onto the I-90, it confirmed that he was definitely unaware of my plans.
"Stop! Pull over!" I grabbed his forearm of the hand that gripped the steering wheel and felt him slightly jerk from my touch. The truck lurched to one side and my body almost came crashing into Edward's.
"What?" Edward shot me a preoccupied glance, steadying the wheel, as he shook off my hand. I let my hand drop down to the bench seat, feeling that familiar tingle that I felt from the touch we'd shared earlier. "You scared the shit out of me!"
I turned to face him, my voice shrill. "You're going the wrong way. Pull over!" I said, moving to sit straight up again.
"I'm not going the wrong route. This is the I-90, Bella."
This time, I tried to make my voice sound more calm and reasonable. "I know it's the I-90, but we're not going the right way. Pull over, please." Edward pulled over to the side of the road, just short of the highway. He put the truck in park and dropped his hands to his lap.
"Okay, I pulled over. Did you forget something? You should've told me before I started to come on here. This is the on-ramp Bella," he gestured to the road as he looked around. "It's not safe to stay here long."
He didn't listen to me when I said that we were going in the wrong direction. He completely blew over everything I just said. Typical Edward.
"No, I said we are going the wrong way." I repeated.
"This is the way back to Forks. I Map Quested it before I came. We're going the right way. Since you obviously didn't forget anything, you didn't have to yell at me to pull over," Edward said crossly as he reached for the gearshift between us.
"Yes, this is the way back to Forks," I scooted closer to Edward, prying his fingers off the gearshift. It was then that I felt it again. Almost like static shock but gentler, like the when your leg falls asleep. The familiar tingle. It jetted up my arm into my shoulder. I happened to peak over at Edward and he sat in awe of our touch on the gearshift. He was still. I felt myself gasp at the tickle that now landed in my stomach. I moved my finger slightly over his hand. He flinched again in response to my touch, but didn't jerk away completely like before. I quickly let go of his hand and placed mine back into my lap. Embarrassed. I cleared my dry throat, desperately, "But I'm guessing that Charlie didn't tell you that we're going to Renee's first."
Edward brought his hand up and rubbed the side of his temple, chewing on my words. I could tell he was trying not to get upset. It was in his eyes. He could never hide the look he got when he was trying to get a handle on his emotions.
"I'm not going to Renee's," he said quietly and calmly.
I rolled my eyes and fixed my gaze on the radio clock. A fight was brewing so I didn't want to look at him right now. I didn't want him to know he still had that sort of power over me and my eyes never lied. He always dominated me and I hated him for that.
"If it was Emmett in your place, we would be going to my mom's. That was my original plan, way before you showed up." I brought my hand to my lips and pulled on the bottom one to distract me from shifting my eyes in his direction. "I haven't seen her in a couple of years..."
"Yeah, but I'm not Emmett. I didn't agree to this!" he shouted. His voice was so stern it made me sink down lower into my seat. The vinyl threading of the seat cushion rubbed against my thighs and for the first time, I realized I was shaking.
Why was I shaking? I wasn't afraid of Edward and I knew he couldn't say something to me that I haven't already heard. I was shaking because he provoked every ounce of emotion in me, more intense than anyone else could. It wasn't normal and it wasn't right, yet his possessiveness thrilled me and set me on fire. In his own way and with my unknowing approval, he brought out a side of me that I kept buried for a long time. My passionate side. All I wanted to do was fight with him and challenge him, but I had to reel myself in and control my desire to let myself go. It only got me into trouble before and I wasn't prepared today to relinquish my self-control once again.
I sighed and took in a deep, cleansing breath.
"I didn't agree to a lot of things, but I'm doing them," I fought, as I folded my hands together to prevent them from vibrating from the anger and bewilderment I felt, knowing that Edward made me react more strongly than I would have if I were with someone else.
Calm down and breathe, Bella. Make him understand.
"My mom is out of the way, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to see her again," I whispered, trying to sound lucid without a drop of anger.
"I have no desire to see that woman," he sneered as he turned his body in my direction and glared down his nose at me as if I were a child. I forgot I had my own body perched much like his was now. We were only inches apart and the look in his eyes was dark. He hated my mother. He never told me why, but I could only guess what it stemmed from. Still I had to see if he would admit why he hated her. It was clear by his voice that he did.
"Why? What has she done to you? She's my mother; I should be the one who doesn't want to see her the most, not you!" I felt victorious saying all of that aloud.
Edward moved closer so he was right in my face. "She broke Charlie and took away what I cared for most!"
"What do you mean, 'What you cared for most'?" I ask back.
"Never mind, it's not important now anyway," he replied, still hovering close to my face. He pushed his glasses up into his hair and really looked at me. His eyes traveled up and down my face and he stared at my lips. He still smelled wonderful. I drank him in once more as I almost let my eyes flutter close. I had this overwhelming need to feel his lips on mine and every touch he last put on my body was playing back in my head like a movie. I wanted to bring my hand up to cup his cheek and rub away the crease in his forehead, but I had to battle with my hand to stay fisted at my side. His face inched closer. He was going to kiss me! His eyes lids were heavy and I recognized the expression. He darted out his tongue to wet his lips. I wanted that tongue. I needed his tongue. God, Bella! The urge was too much and I had to change something or else.
I pushed with my hands on his chest, forcing him away, "Back off!"
He was back over to his side of the truck in a flash pulling his glasses down to his eyes.
"She's my mother Edward." I say trying to catch my breath and kill the butterflies that floated in my chest. I averted my eyes because, damn what just happened between us?
Seeing Renee wasn't going to be fun. I already came to that conclusion for myself. There were reasons I haven't seen her much since she left my dad, mainly just because she left us, but we still had constant contact with each other. She loved the phone and I got regular calls three times a week. I was still harboring anger with her but she liked to keep things light and never mention the past. I still had no idea what her real reason for leaving us was.
Renee ultimately guided my decision to go away to college after she left my father. Back then, I was too easily influenced by her. She led me to believe that I would be wasting my life away if I stayed in Forks and didn't explore the world. She didn't want me to be like she was when she was my age. Renee had dreams that never came to flourish and she scared me into thinking my life would turn out much like hers if I didn't break away from my small hometown and spread my wings. Back then, I was in love with Edward and I thought we would be together forever. We planned so many things, but when I confessed to my mother that Edward and I made love for the first time on our trip to San Francisco, she flipped out.
She was scared that I was going to get pregnant and get tied down in Forks playing housewife. Her rants were highly manipulative and eye opening, and up until then, I never thought just how possible it was that my life could turn out like hers. I didn't want that for myself even though I wanted to be with Edward. She got pregnant at eighteen by my father and they married when she was only three months pregnant. They had a hard time at first but they managed, considering their age and what little they had. Charlie became a deputy just after my first birthday and they bought the house my father lives in now.
Renee had so many dreams that she placed on backburner so she could put me and my dad first. She never showed any regret until I was seventeen. Everything changed. That was the year she left my dad. She left us. She moved to Denver to live in a 'thriving art community' she discovered, which was odd because I'd never even seen her pick up a pencil or paintbrush to draw, paint or sketch. I could only imagine that she liked the company that was kept there.
There were never any fights or arguments with Charlie. He stood by as she packed, watching her every move, never saying a word. I wanted to shake him and shout at the top of my lungs, "Don't let her go, Dad! Make her see that she can't leave us!" He never once moved. He stood there emotionless, just watching her in silence.
"I love you baby and I will be back," my mom whispered in my ear as I waited on the front porch with her. At that time, I had every hope in the world that she meant what she said and that she would, one day, come home for good. She kissed my forehead and held my chin in between her hand, nuzzling her nose with mine. She was leaving me her warmth and love, but it soon faded as I watched her walk down the stairs to the waiting cab.
Charlie lost himself in his work and fished a lot to occupy his free time. Edward's father, Edward Sr., became a constant fixture at my house along with Edward's mother, Elizabeth. They were my other parents and helped fill the emptiness left behind from my mother's departure. Edward and I grew even closer as he became my shoulder to cry on and my best confidant. He held me through the tough nights and danced with me when I was more than happy to see my dad smile for once. Edward was with me at every turn and waiting around the sharp corners.
During the same phone call I had with Renee about me losing my virginity, I also mentioned that Edward decided to follow my dad and go to the police academy. Looking back now, the parallels between her life at eighteen and mine, were uncanny. I didn't want to become my mother. I never wanted to feel for Edward in eighteen years what my mother felt for my father when she left. Nothing.
Edward was ready to give up all of his dreams and follow me to Chicago and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't let him do that. He meant too much to me and I felt unworthy of him to allow him to give it all up for me. I was just like my mother and if I ever saw the look in Edward's eyes that I saw in my father's when she left, I would want to die. If that ever happened, I'd be responsible for ruining his life all because I was too selfish to tell him to live his own life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Who was I do dictate someone's life? When it came to Edward, I felt justified. He didn't know any better than I did… I just knew the outcome.
So I told him to go home. My family was fucked up and until I could fix my self-esteem issues, Edward deserved better.
His movement beside me startled me back into the present. Edward mumbled something about how people don't know how to drive and continued to look tense and adverse to my direct glare. I didn't take my eyes off him this time because I knew that if I did I might not have the nerve to say what I was about to say.
"Listen..." I started.
"Mmm..." he abruptly injected.
I inhaled a small amount of life into my lungs.
"Edward, I'm already losing my father, please don't take her away from me too," I winced as I let my eyes close, trying to shut out what happened in our past for just a moment. I knew I'd just played the 'oh woe is me' card. Instantly, I felt bad using my father as the catalyst in my fight to win my way.
After a few moments, I opened my eyes again and scanned Edward's face. He wasn't looking at me, but out the window instead. He had one arm placed on top of the steering wheel and the other rubbing the back of his neck. His lips were tight, so tight you almost couldn't make out the outline of his top lip. He was emotionless again. Indecision flashed across his face as he turned to look at me. I let out a shaky breath before giving him a pleading smile.
Edward turned his body to face the wheel again and reached between his legs for his phone. He flipped it open and looked at the screen before shutting it closed again.
"We're not staying long," he stated firmly. He placed his hand back on the gearshift and put it into drive. "You're the navigator so.." Edward paused to let out a deep sigh before continuing. "Where to?"
I hid my face from him because I was blushing and I didn't want him to see. He knew just as well as I did that he was usually the navigator on our road trips, so it was a shock to me that he was letting me take charge. I smiled to myself thinking back to Edward getting us lost more often than not when we traveled. The most fun was finding our way back to the right path and we always did. We had some good times together. It didn't get pass me that he used our old sentiment.
Edward was knowingly giving me freedom. I relished in it for at least a minute before I let my excitement bubble to the surface.
I was sure my grin was as wide as the Grand Canyon. "We need to make our way to the I-55. It will take us to St. Louis, where we'll make our first stop." My voice went up an octave and I'm sure my excitement wasn't hard to see.
I reached for my duffle bag hidden behind the bench seat and grabbed my map and Wikied facts of St. Louis. I brought it to my lap and starting skimming through the information.
"Why are we stopping in St. Louis?" Edward asked as he pulled back onto the on-ramp. He eyed my folder as he pulled out into traffic.
"We're going up in the Arch," I said, busy reading over my various printouts. I plucked one from the stack of a picture of the Arch to show Edward, "Here look at this--"
"I'm not stopping in St. Louis to visit the Arch." he balked, "No way." Edward started laughing as he shook his head.
I looked over at him and narrowed my eyes. "Yes, we are!" I shouted.
Here it goes again!
"No. We. Are. Not!" he retorted, speeding up as he merged into the far left lane. I noticed he gripped the steering wheel tightly again.
"Yes!" I shouted, my face flushed with anger. I felt that familiar heat rising in my cheeks like it did earlier this morning. My skin tingled with fury. Mt. Vesuvius had nothing on me right now.
"No!" he argued
"Yes!"
"It's not gonna happen, Bella!"
"Yes it is, Edward!" I yelled.
"I'm not stopping!"
"I'll make you!" I challenge him.
"Oh, yea? I would love to see you try!"
"You mean like this..." I moved over fast and pressed my leg against his. I pushed down as hard as I could making his leg slam the brake. The truck stopped, skidding in the fast lane of traffic I just realized we were in. Loud horns and blares paraded all around us as I heard one or two expletives shouted in our direction through my cracked window.
"Bella! THE FUCK?" he shouted at the top of his lungs, swerving to avoid being rear-ended. The whole truck swayed back and forth as we both had to hold on for dear life as Edward tried to gain control of the vehicle. He shoved my body back onto my side of the cab and I landed with a thud. "What the hell are you thinking!" his body quivered with anger as I realized he was right and I let my stupid pride take over. "You could of gotten us killed!" Edward planted his hands at ten and two; again rubbing the material off the wheel.
"Sorry." was all I could squeak out and I don't even think he heard it.
"Jesus Bella! What is wrong with you?" he asked looking around at traffic.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I was just mad and you...." Provoke me, anger me, rile me up, give me sex eyes.....
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I say looking down.
Edward said nothing and accelerated to compensate for braking. He didn't let off the gas and continued to push the truck to its limits. The whole cab started to shake and rattle making me think that the whole heap is going to fall apart any second.
I looked over at the speedometer and my eyes felt like they bugged out. "Edward! Slow down!"
Edward glanced down, checking his speed. "We're only going eighty."
"The whole truck is shaking, Edward! I don't think this thing is meant to go over 50! I know you cops like to speed, but I like to get home in one piece!" I placed one hand on the dash and the other on the door, bracing myself, as Edward passed a small white car in front of us. He weaved right into the next lane as he accelerated faster to pass the car. I shot a look at the speedometer against my better judgment. It read ninety.
"Like you care! With what you just did, speed is nothing!" He handled the wheel like he was driving a Nascar and he eyes bore onto the road, studying the every curve we were making.
I reached over and grabbed his shoulder. "Please, slow down," I begged. I implored him with my eyes because even though I risked our lives didn't mean he has to stoop down to my level and compete with my ignorance.
Edward looked down at my hand touching his shoulder and pushed lightly in the brake pedal, appeasing me, but shrugging off my hand in the process.
"Thank you," I sighed, the tension is my body slowly dissipating. "I'm sorry...for pushing your leg."
Edward sucked in a breath and let one hand fall from the steering wheel. Relaxing.
"I'm sorry for speeding even though it wasn't that fast." he placated.
I make my infamous eye roll that I felt like I have been using entirely too much today.
"Okay fine, lets make a deal. No more stupid stunts due to our inability to control our anger." I held my hand out across the cab ready to shake on it, "Deal?"
He licks his lips and turns his face to me, looking me in the eye, "Deal." We shake and I make no move to drop his hand. I wasn't finished.
"Are we good?" I ask.
"For now." I let his hand fall and he brought it back to the wheel.
He sat back silently and was now oddly composed. I settled back into my seat and gazed out of the passenger window. Placing my elbow on the door frame, I rested my cheek on the back of my hand. This was tiring and I hoped that the rest of the trip wouldn't be this emotionally exhausting. If so, we'd never make it back to Forks sane or alive, never mind with any sort of closure. Edward was so stubborn, it infuriated me beyond belief. I really wasn't much better. I guess you can call us two peas in a pod.
Now back the the subject in hand.
I just wanted to stop for a quick trip to the top of the Arch, then go, and eat at the Crown Candy Kitchen. It was an old soda fountain and candy shop from the turn of the century and now it was a restaurant. It was vintage and nostalgic. The website looked fabulous and my mouth already watered for their Roast Beef Cheddar Melt and Johnny Rabbit Special malt. I thought it would be a good place to stop for dinner before heading out on the road again. Angela and Ben went there on their trip to St. Louis and they both loved the food and the desserts. I read that it was a local favorite. They said it was pretty close to the Arch, but in a not-so-nice part of town. I didn't care. It sounded too good to pass up. It was all innocent enough. I wasn't going to play any mind games or fuckery on him. This is what I would be doing if Emmett were in his seat. I wasn't going to let Edward piss away the whole trip. Granted, this was now a new start and I feared I was going to do a lot of convincing along the way.
He was going to have to loosen up. I thought I would be more diplomatic when I approached him with the subject again.
"I would like to stop and see the Arch. I don't think we'll ever get the chance again. If we're going to be so close, it's kind of stupid not to go." I paused, looking at him. He gave me no response so I continued. "Plus, Angela and Ben told me of this great place to stop and eat at so I would like to go there too. And...well...dinner will be my treat."
With his eyes still on the road, he spoke. "You don't have to buy me dinner, Bella."
"Well, it's the least I could do since it's my fault you're here in the first place." There were so many connotations in that one sentence, but I played it cool.
Edward parted his lips, his eyes darting back and forth between the road and me. He closed his mouth and frowned. I could tell he wanted to talk, but he stopped himself.
"It will be fun," I said optimistically. "Besides, I bet you never thought waking up this morning you would be going to the top of the Arch." I never thought this morning that a ride up the Arch could be the most thrilling thing ever with Edward next to me. Alone. Ahh, man! Stop it Bella!
He chuckled aloud, rubbing the spot on his shoulder where I just touched him. "I don't know..." his voice trailed off.
"It's a new adventure," I interrupted, using the phrase I always said when I wanted to get Edward to do something. I saw his mouth curl up just a tad and I knew I'd won him over.
A/N
So there you go. The first couple of miles and they are already at each other's throats. HAHA! I love it and I hope you do to. There are going to be a lot of bumps in the road before they can mend. So who's in for the ride with me? I have a lot of things planned and we are only half way there, if that.
To my gals MissAlex, Punkfarie, Vamp_sessed, LittleLea, Kimbercullen, and all of the BFFF'ers, big smooches!
I would love to rec some good fics I have been reading
Fallen Angels by Kimbercullen, I haven't asked her if Mafiaward would be the right 'ward she would want but ya...he's hot! Kim is a brilliant writer and seriously she just brought this fic over from livejournal and it doesn't have enough reviews! Go read and you'll see the kind of genius she does:)
Waiting for an Angel by Shellsbells...ahh what an amazing writer Shell is! I can't say enough! She is on the short list of my favorite Brits and really her plot line is just so intriguing! Check her out and you won't be disappointed.
Royale by EmmaleeWrites05 this is Jasper/Bella at it's finest and even though Edward is an ass, you can't help fall in love with Jasper. The last chapter updated is enough to make any gal drool over is cowboy boots. Go read, enjoy!
Leave a review and tell me what kind of road stop you would like Edward and Bella to make along the way. Hint, they might be following Route 66.