A/N Hello lovelies!
MissAlex is my brilliant beta and wonderful bestie. She completes me like no other and I love you!
Izzzyy is by far the most wonderful person EVER and I thank you for pre-reading this and giving your suggestions when I thought it sucked ass. Olive Juice!!
This chapter was planned for later on but some questions needed to be addressed that many people asked through reviews and PM's. It was VERY hard to write for me and I hope you can see why. The subject matter hits home. I struggled with even going through with it but in the end this character deserved more of a say.
WARNING: there is mentions of prescription drug use, cutting, self harm, and sexual activity. I must remind you that this is MATURE. I have not gone into extreme detail but I felt a warning was in order.
*going to crawl under the covers and hide out in the closet *
Chapter Sixteen: The Past and The Present
Jessica
September 16, 2003
Dear Journal of the Not-So-Loved Devotee,
Today, everything changed.
I walked into her house after school and expected it to just be like any other day. But I was dead wrong. I walked into confessions and I became the only casualty. The looks on their faces were no longer innocent. I was deceived. They both deceived me.
You see, Journal, she is my best friend and he is my first and only true love.
We grew up together. Wherever Edward or Bella went, I followed.
Bella helped pierce my ears and agreed that 'N Sync was better than the Backstreet Boys, and that Monica sang better than Brandy.
We would sing The Boy is Mine at the top of our lungs and giggle at our silliness.
Edward taught me how ride my bike when my father worked too much. When I would fall, he would pick me up and blow the antiseptic sting away from my wound.
All three of us would pile into my mother's station wagon on hot summer nights and travel to the drive-in movie theater in Port Angeles. We ate candy until our stomachs ached and fell asleep before the final credits.
One day, a bully called Bella and me names and Edward punched him in the jaw.
"I will always protect my girls, no matter what," he vowed, throwing his arm around our necks.
My heart grew the size of Texas with his declaration.
Adolescence was innocent and sweet.
Nothing was complicated until we reached our gangly teenaged years. Perceptions changed and hormones spun out of control.
I looked at Edward differently when I became a teenager. I noticed the way his hair fell over his forehead and the way his voice melted my insides. He was gorgeous inside and out.
Suddenly, I felt nervous around him.
Suddenly, I cared how I dressed and hoped that he liked my new sweaters.
I was embarrassed and kept it a secret until I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The summer before our senior year began, I decided to take my chance. He had to know my feelings before I lost my nerve.
I told Bella everything first - how I felt, how I dreamed of him every night, and how much I wanted to hear him say he wanted me too.
I told her to keep my secret until I was ready. All summer long, I fawned over him and whispered to Bella about how beautiful Edward was.
I never saw it coming.
Today, they sat me down, but I refused to sit. They told me they had been in love for two years and kept it from me.
"We didn't want you to feel like the third wheel."
"We didn't want our friendship to change. That's why we never told you."
"We didn't want to hurt you…"
I didn't want to hear their excuses.
Bella lied to me all summer as I spilled my inner-most secrets to her.
Can I fault them? I should fault them. I need to fault them. I want to teach Bella that you can't be someone's confidant and lie to them.
Those two are all I've ever known. They are my only friends. Now, there is nothing left. I can't be her friend and I can't look at him. He knows too much now. He discovered my true feelings before I was prepared to show them. It is the ultimate betrayal.
They will flaunt their relationship now, I know it. They don't have to hide behind the veil that they purposely created, anymore. Everything is out in the open now and I'm the only one reeling from its aftermath.
My heart hurts and I am broken.
And I'm mad.
Shit, I'm beyond mad. I'm fucking infuriated.
This emotion that races through my veins is unfamiliar but it energizes me.
Is it bad that I want revenge? I think that it would only be natural, right?
Deep down, I know I should just let it go and not care - go about my life and move on.
I'm not a bitch so it's not like payback would make me happy. ..
Who am I kidding?
I need to do something.
My best friend fell in love with my other best friend.
I'm alone now.
September 22, 2003
I wrote 'whore' on her locker in cheap lipstick.
I cried in the bathroom afterward.
September 27, 2003
At lunch today, I stuck my foot out as they passed me and she tripped. She fell to the ground on top of her tray full of cafeteria food and it ruined the cashmere sweater her parents gave her for Christmas.
He glared at me as he picked her up.
I cackled at them and walked away.
I found out in gym that Bella broke her wrist.
I went outside by the tennis courts and threw up.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
October 10, 2003
I stole her Trig notes and shredded them in the office during lunch. We have a test tomorrow.
The whole time I did it, I felt the sweat roll down my back.
Mrs. Cope almost caught me.
I skipped the rest of the day and went home.
I ate a pint of Cherry Garcia and made myself throw up. I curled myself into a ball on the floor in the corner of my room.
I fell asleep with a raging headache.
October 20, 2003
I saw Bella in the Halloween costume shop in Port Angeles. When she stepped out of the change room to grab another costume, I snuck in and stole her bra and underwear. I couldn't stomach stealing the rest of her clothes. That would have been too much.
I waited outside the front of the shop and heard her arguing with the storekeeper on his missing items.
I had a panic attack in my Celica in the parking lot.
When I got home, I took four of my mother's Xanax and two Paxils.
I slept for the next 24 hours.
October 31, 2003
I'm taking a break.
No fuckery on the holidays.
I saw them holding hands and it made me sad.
I drank some of my father's Quervo in the bathroom.
My mother smelled the alcohol on my breath but didn't say anything.
I handed out candy alone, until Mike Newton came over and kept me company.
He's sweet and held his hand at the small of my back when he helped me up.
December 10, 2003
I looked through pictures of the three of us today.
I cried so hard, my eyes felt like they were bleeding.
I miss them.
To combat my anxiety, I bought a pack of smokes.
I don't smoke. Well, at least, I didn't until today.
Mike asked me out on a date and I said yes. He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back.
December 15, 2003
Something today just set me off. I don't know if it was the shitty weather or that Mike was being overly affectionate.
I overheard Edward tell her that he loved her in the hallway as I passed them by.
I felt my heart stop and I leaned on the lockers for support.
In Art History, I told Lauren that Bella was pregnant. You know what happens when you tell Lauren something.
Tonight, I sat in the bathtub with my knees curled into my chest. I cried and cried until the water was ice cold
When I got out, I cut my arm with my dad's switchblade, just to test if I could focus my pain elsewhere.
It didn't work.
At least not the first time.
December 16, 2003
I heard the whispers all morning. My rumor spread like wild fire.
Like I knew it would.
The Chief came to Biology and took Edward and Bella out of class. They were gone all day.
I saw Edward after last period.
He came up to me and backed me up against the lockers. His hands rested on either side of my head. My heart raced. Edward was so close that I could feel his erratic breaths on my face. This was the first contact we'd had in months. For a moment, I closed my eyes and fantasized that Edward held me up against the lockers for a romantic kiss - what it would have been like had everything worked out the way I wanted it to. But when I opened my eyes, my dream shattered. His expression was full of hatred, rage, not love and adoration.
"This has to stop," he said.
"I don't know how," I replied. My voice broke.
"Look at your arm." He held it up to my face and pushed up my sleeve in disgust. "I can't believe this. Cutting yourself is not going to make you feel better."
"Any pain is better than the pain you and Bella inflicted on me," I whispered.
His face softened and a dozen emotions ran across his face. He dropped his arms from the lockers and let them hang limply down his sides.
A tear ran down my cheek. I closed my eyes, wishing he would go away and felt his strong arms wrap around me. He hugged me and rubbed the back of my neck.
"Promise me. Promise me, no more cutting..." He pulled back slightly and his eyes bore into mine with all seriousness.
I nodded my head into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" he whispered in my ear before he let go and walked away.
What was he sorry for? Sorry for hurting me? Sorry for deserting me?
It was too late for apologies.
I was done.
Mike walked around the corner.
Perfect timing.
I asked him to take me home.
December 29, 2003
Mike took me out on a date to Logan's Grill. Edward and Bella showed up while Mike and I ate dessert. Edward stopped by to say hi. Bella remained at their table, avoiding me.
I stood up and walked out of the restaurant.
Mike followed me.
He kissed me for the first time as he wiped away my tears. He held my face in his hands and he seemed sincere.
I told him about Edward.
He understood.
January 9, 2003
Today is Mike's birthday. I bought him some cologne.
He's growing on me.
January 13, 2003
Mike surprised me this morning and took me out for breakfast at his parent's diner.
He actually went behind the counter and cooked my food for me.
Waffles with pecans and dripping melted butter – just what I requested. It was the best breakfast I had ever eaten.
His eyes traveled to mine the entire time he worked the waffle iron. I felt warm.
I rested my head on his shoulder when we drove to school.
He held my hand the whole time and walked me to class.
January 19, 2003
Last night, after Mike took me out for dinner, I fucked him on his parent's plaid couch while his dog watched from his spot on the rug.
I kissed Mike while we did it and tried to act like I knew what I was doing.
It was my first time. Everything hurt afterward.
What hurt the most was that his couch wasn't the bed I had hoped for or the romance I had dreamed about.
Most importantly, Mike wasn't Edward and my actions didn't fill the gaping hole in my heart like I hoped they would.
Mike whispered that he loved me in my ear on his porch as he walked me to my car.
I cringed.
All I thought about was how Edward had whispered in my ear.
I wasn't in love with Mike.
His declaration pissed me off.
But I didn't blame him. I blamed Bella and Edward – they ruined any chance of a future for Mike and me.
January 27, 2003
Mike told me he loved me again today.
I still couldn't say it back. He was confused and hurt.
I was breaking his heart and it was entirely their fault.
Mike was becoming another casualty in the mess created by those two and just like me he didn't have a choice.
It had to stop. They still had to pay for what they did.
During gym, I paid a freshman to sneak into the girls' locker room and take some pictures.
Bella's naked ass was then plastered on every locker and wall in the school.
I took the car tonight and drove for hours.
I had nowhere to go.
I made two inch cuts along the upper part of my inner thigh, so no one will see the wound.
I broke my promise.
February 14, 2003
Mike took me to the Valentine's Dance at school. We took pictures in a gym filled with balloons, cupcakes and happy couples.
It was kitschy.
Mike held my hand for appearances but dropped it when no one was looking. I really wanted him to keep holding my hand. But I fucked it up.
He'd had enough of me and my misery. But couldn't he see that it wasn't my fault? That I was the victim?!
I saw them walk into the gymnasium, looking more in love than ever.
They both ignored me now, since they found out that I was the culprit behind those pictures. That stupid bitch Lauren Mallory told everyone it was me.
Note to self: Next time, don't tell Lauren, shit.
Mike was mad when he too, found out at the end of the night what I'd done.
It was the last straw for him.
I went home alone. I held my heels in my hand, allowing the sharp rocks of the gravel roadway cut into my soles of my feet.
It was a long walk home.
March 16, 2003
Going away for spring break…with my parents.
No one talks to me anymore. I've alienated everyone. It's my own fault, I know that now.
I can't wait to get out of this town.
April 10, 2003
I got rejected from all three colleges I applied too. I let things fall to the wayside my senior year. My grades became my lowest priority. How did I let it get so bad? What happened to the studious Jessica that I used to be?
Two weeks ago, my mother said I was deeply depressed. She was right, of course.
So I started seeing a shrink, who prescribed me a lovely cocktail of prescription drugs.
Effexor and Zoloft were now my two best friends.
I call them Effie and Zola.
I finally feel numb. At least it's something.
Here I come, community college.
Fuck my life.
June 12, 2003
We graduated a few days ago.
I didn't have a party nor did I get invited to any, except Lauren's.
I didn't go.
I got a job at Newton's Diner. Mike went away to U of W for early admission and I didn't get to see him again before he left.
I really wanted to apologize.
June 20, 2003
Edward dropped by on his way to Bella's. He didn't say what brought him to see me nor did I ask him.
We sat on my front porch and I offered him iced tea.
He drank his glass and I sipped mine.
"I don't hate you. I want you to know that. Although, I don't think it was right, what you did to Bella."
I nodded, grateful for his kindness because even I wouldn't forgive me.
He told me that Bella was going to Chicago. I saw the sadness in his eyes. He looked at my arms and I quickly covered up my scars.
"Jess, I'm sorry that I haven't protected you like I promised when we were kids. I let you down."
"I did this to myself, Edward," I replied. "I was mean-spirited. I know that now."
"I love Bella but you're always going to be my girl too. The three of us we were great friends..."
"I messed things up. It will never be the same between the three of us anymore."
"We all messed up," he corrected.
We sat in silence before I told him that I was sorry about everything.
He rubbed my back soothingly and accepted my apology.
He kissed my cheek.
Then he left.
May 4, 2009
Dear Journal of the Maybe-I-Could-Be-Loved Devotee,
I just found you in a box in my mother's basement.
I brought you to work and read all the entries on my break. It was hard to read you.
To recap since my last entry - Bella broke up with Edward before she left for school. Edward became a cop and his parents, Ed Sr. and Elizabeth, died in a car crash. Edward died along with them. He walks around, but he's dead inside.
I continued to work at Newton's Diner, even after Mike took ownership after his parents moved to New Mexico.
We became friends again. He forgave me for everything I did to him in high school and we talked a lot about my life and his, and where the years had gone.
He was still nice and I felt even worse for what I did to him.
Edward was still around but that spark in his eyes was gone.
He would stay in the squad car and Charlie would come in to buy coffee for the both of them.
He didn't speak to me much after his parents died. He really didn't speak to a lot of people. He shunned himself and hid away. I wanted to go to him so many times and rub his back like he did mine all those years ago. I wanted him to know I would protect him now and be his girl again. Bella couldn't do it but I could.
But he would always walk in the opposite direction when he saw me. I understood, and accepted it until last July.
I couldn't take it anymore. If Bella couldn't be what he deserved, then I would take her place.
The balmy night air kissed my exposed legs under my skirt as I walked into the bar.
He was there, like every Friday night.
He looked so broken.
Worse, he was not alone.
Some skanky whore pawed at his ear. He kept his head down, staring into the glass in front of him. It was empty.
When I offered to buy him a drink, he swatted away the floozy. He smiled warmly at me with booze on his breath.
I thought about how it would feel to kiss him. I touched my lips and he watched my mouth.
It was all I needed to see.
That one look.
The lust.
I took his hand and led him to my car.
I pushed down my passenger seat and sat him there. I hitched up my skirt and rolled my panties down to my ankles.
He looked up at me, lost.
I touched his temple and carefully kissed his forehead.
My fingers worked his belt buckle and zipper. He let my hands move without restraint and watched without a word.
When his pants were lowered, I straddled his naked lap, placing my hands on his shoulders. I slammed the door shut, locking us inside. This was our moment.
He entered me, wincing upon first contact. His eyes searched mine over and over, clouded with sadness. I made it my goal right then and there to make him happy, if it was the last thing I ever did.
"Jess, I don't know..."
"I'm here, stay with me," I whispered as I slowly rocked forward and back.
"I'm sorry," he replied, lifting himself higher off the seat to enter me further, more forcibly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." he chanted as he thrust his pelvis.
"This is me...feel me," I commanded.
Edward grabbed my face and kissed me eagerly, resting his forehead to my own.
"I feel you…"
I smiled into his lips as he kissed me over and over and I rocked and rocked.
"More, feel me more. Use me, Edward..."
He rubbed the place where we were joined with careful fingers and calloused hands.
The dashboard was my anchor as I let my body slide into ecstasy. Edward placed his hand between my breasts, breathing hard. He groaned, holding me still.
"Fuck...this is….fuck...."
I moaned, letting my head fall back against the fogged windshield, the tremors lasting longer than I thought. With his hand still held firmly over my breast, he continued to twitch inside me.
"I'm sorry Jess .I'm sorry this wasn't better- that I wasn't better....." he spoke softly.
"Shhh, you will be better...." I assured him, kissing his slightly swollen lips as I laced my fingers through his. We locked our hands over my anxious thumping heart while we calmed ourselves.
With his other hand, he grasped my arm and delicately brought it to his mouth, kissing my scars.
"You don't have to, Edward."
"I need to..."
"I don't deserve it."
"I don't care anymore."
I nodded and let him kiss me, healing the metaphysical wounds.
I knew that I had fucked him to feel again as he did me.
But I didn't regret it. I never felt more complete. His hands on my hips and lips at my neck – he was mine. He moved with me and that was all I ever wanted.
Finally.
His hair tickled my nose as he sucked on my nipple. He grunted and moaned with pleasure because I made him feel that way.
Afterward, he looked confused but relaxed as he ran his hands down my bare back.
I hugged him and pressed my chest into his, and then he drove me home in my car and held me all night.
Edward said Bella twice in his sleep.
I knew he still loved her.
The next morning, he told me he cared about me and wanted to try and make a relationship work. Maybe I was his second choice, but I didn't care. This was how it was supposed to me. I was his girl and I would ease my way into first place. I had to.
It didn't take long for me to fall completely for him – it had never really faded. But it wasn't enough for him. He left me after a couple months of dating. He said that he wasn't ready and needed time.
But that didn't stop him from coming back again and again to share my bed.
I let it happen because I was in love with him and I needed something from him – anything. I hoped that maybe if I stayed in his life in some way, then whenever he changed his mind about a relationship, I would be the first woman he would turn to.
I waited.
Until last Monday.
On that day, a week ago, he invited me over and it wasn't about sex anymore. In fact, he didn't even attempt to fuck me like he usually did. He made me dinner.
Dinner!
We watched movies and made out. We just made out!
It was nice. He seemed normal again.
I felt like I was in high school but instead of Mike Newton's plaid couch, it was Edwards' leather one and no fucking dog was watching.
After that night, we hung out with his friends.
It was like he paraded me in front of them to prove a point.
That he was okay again. That I healed him.
I was proud to be the girl on his arm.
There was no hiding our togetherness.
We were out in the open.
When he left to bring Bella back to Forks to be with an ailing Charlie, I panicked. But he insisted that all he wanted to do was put the past to rest.
He wanted me to help him, to be his guiding light, and trust him.
But I couldn't help but feel insecure.
Compared to Bella, I knew I would never be enough for him.
I kissed him and loved him with everything I had to give.
"Come home to me," I told him.
I wanted to be his home.
So now he is with her, in a U-haul, driving across the country.
I sent him texts, too afraid to call him. I had to do something to remind him of what he had at home.
My bed is cold without you, I typed.
I'm afraid that he won't be the same when he gets back.
And what will Bella think when he tells her about us?
At first, I hoped she would feel upset. But part of me also wonders if we would ever be friends again.
She was the only girlfriend I'd ever had.
But still, when it comes to Edward, my past resentment is still there and there is no way I will ever lose him again.
I want her to know that she can't turn back the clock. She let him go and he has me now – forever – as was always meant to be.
I hope you all have a better understanding about Jess as well as Edward and Bella after this chapter.
Epov is next up for next chapter. I left his scared shitless up in the Arch. That poor guy!
*crawling our under my big fluffy blanket * Is it alright to come out now?
Leave me sugar, please. Like I said, this was the toughest chapter to date for me. I would really like feedback.
Don't forget that my other fic Every October is updating Monday! And you can follow me on Twitter, Larin20