Chapter 14 – Chill

I wage my war on the world inside

I take my gun to the enemy's side

Oh, I've been askin' for

Oh, I've been askin' for problems, problems, problems

So look me in the eyes, tell me what you see

Perfect paradise, tearin' at the seams?

I wish I could escape, I don't wanna fake

Wish I could erase, make your heart believe

But I'm a bad liar

Imagine Dragons – Bad Liar

The sensation of rain drops on her cheek pulled her back to the realm of the present, weary eyes blinking to regain her bearings. The sky had darkened significantly with billowing clouds blocking out any sunlight, occasional gusts of wind rustling the foliage like a thousand shuffling card decks. Trying to shed off the remaining tendrils of sleep, she sat up on the palm, finding that they were still moving through the woods.

"Morning." She yawned before scratching her neck. "Didn't expect to doze off. Is it far yet?"

Noticing that they were walking downhills, she wondered if they were still traversing the valley or if they had crossed the mountains. They had travelled a long way by now, so the idea was not far-fetched. She couldn't know where they were heading, of course, since he had no means to tell her. But judging by the way he didn't hesitate to set out in a specific direction, she was sure he had a clear goal in mind.

Rogue shook his head confidently, confirming her assumption.

Another gust of wind sent his hair flying up, the cold grasp prompting her to snuggle into the shielding fingers. She just hoped they would find shelter soon and that he was confident in gauging the time he had left before falling to stasis.

At least, he didn't seem to mind the weather like she did. Then again, he was used to living out in the open, so this was self-evident. However, she could tell from his expression that he was still lost in thought. Perhaps he would appreciate some distraction.

"Rogue, might I ask you something?" she waited for his full attention, trying to assess his mood and how far she could go with personal questions. A difficult task as it turned out since his expression wasn't much to go by. Erring on the side of caution, she opted to start with shared knowledge.

"So… seeing that you can understand me fairly well, I wonder. How many people have you met before? Humans, I mean."

The thought had been on her mind for a while now, the question about how he learned their language. As unsettling as the idea was, he must have somehow snuck behind Wall Maria before the breach. Any encounter with Scouts in titan territory would have been known, the only other possibility being that the Scout had gone missing afterwards. The mere idea was dreadful to say the least, but she couldn't for the life of her believe him to be that vile.

Grooves formed on his forehead, apparently not sharing the same line of thought.

"I mean, how else did you learn our language? Or did you learn it by observing? That would be quite an achievement!"

She had hoped the implied praise would help be motivating, but he only averted his gaze and grunted in rejection.

"Oh, come on. I shared a lot of my story already. Why won't you tell me anything about you? Is it that big a secret?"

She almost expected him to nod and close the case with a cold shoulder when his slowed to a stop instead. A cloud of steam streamed out between his teeth, and for a moment, he seemed to be frozen in place, face scrunched as if experiencing mental anguish. Then he looked her straight in the eyes, looking alarmingly helpless all of a sudden. Only then she realized, the questions she had posed ran deeper than she had intended.

She was about to form an apology as, painstakingly slowly, he lifted his index finger and pointed to the sky.

When it became clear he wasn't about to add anything more, she wavered in uncertainty. Did he want her to hold on for a moment? Or to pay attention? But she was already fully attentive.

"I… I'm sorry. I don't quite understand."

He heaved another sigh, this time with a hint of frustration. Then he pointed at her instead.

"Me… human? Yes, I was asking how many of us humans you had met before."

He only nodded in confirmation before repeating the gesture, pointing first to the sky and then to her.

…

The world fell eerily silent until she mouthed silently.

One.

…

Me.

…

…

…

Retrograde. Amnesia.

The words flailed back and forth in her head, leaving her unable to bring about more than an inert stare as they set off a train of thoughts, the flick to the domino that now barrelled its way through her mind.

The first and most intuitive feeling was, unexpectedly, guilt. Despite the knowledge that it had never been her intention to harm him, she had been fruitless in trying to shove aside the gnawing sting of responsibility over the past days. Seeing now just how serious the damage of the neurotoxins was, heart sank down a deep pit.

Then came understanding. One by one, the missing pieces finally fell into place, the whirl of questions and riddles suddenly forming clear lines and shapes as these two words filled the gaps in between. It all made sense now. Why he had shown genuine interest not only in her but also in the sights, voices and smells of all the animals and even plants that he must have seen every night and day for his entire life. Why he had avoided all her personal questions, showing not only ignorance but also a hint of distress.

However, these thoughts all but vanished under the overwhelming force of the third and final notion, its weight heavy enough for her stomach to churn and roil in sickening. It had come slowly, silently, seeping through the many barriers that her subconsciousness had created in panicked self-defence. But its weight was too much to bear for long. The chain of thoughts wore them down in her search for more answers.

Oh, how she wished she could just stop to think in that moment.

Hazel eyes that had stared into nothingness started to widen as she dug deep with reasoning, her pupils dilated in pure terror at what she found buried at the very bottom. The pit of her most pitiful fate.

No…

Her hands started to shake as she tried to fight what she had summoned.

Poorly.

The pillars of the very world seemed to crumble around her, her heart gripped in a vice, near to breaking under the weight that was laden on. This gesture, these words, may they be ever so simple, were enough to take everything from her. She had believed that this titan would be the key to this world's many mysteries. That he was the last hope for humanity's future.

That he was the last hope for her to return home again.

But she couldn't be more wrong about it. And this was not even the worst.

No, no… no no no no no!

She shook her head, defiant to the truth that was forced upon her. Her chest seemed to have tightened, leaving her choking on her own breath. Finally, she looked up to meet the titan's gaze, her eyes imploring for any hint that she had missed something. That she had been wrong in her assumptions

But all she found was genuine worry. And affection.

Without as much as another second to spare, she suddenly stood. And jumped.

Whether it was five meter or ten, she didn't care. All that mattered was the urge to escape. The need to escape.

Faint in her ears as if stuffed with cotton, she heard a surprised squeal, her companion undoubtedly shocked by the sudden occurrence. There was a low swoosh and a sharp draft of air right above her head that pulled at the tips of her hair, but he wasn't quick enough.

Fire shot up her ankles and up to her knees as she landed on the ground, the weight of gravity pressing her to a heap of flesh on Earth. But against all apprehensions, she managed to stand up.

She didn't hesitate and ran. Ignoring her aching feet, she ran as if pursued by a horde, as if running for dear life.

Tears began to bud in her eyes, but she forced them down, concentrating on nothing but the next step, yet unable to keep her head clear of the wave of thoughts.

How could she have been so stupid! So incredibly stupid! Did she really believe she would become best friends with a titan? That he would carry her safely to the Wall's gates and wave an arm to bid farewell? She had been deceived by him, again. He had purported to give her the freedom to choose where there was no choice from the very beginning. He had brought her to this heavenly place of hell where she was helpless without him. He had lured her in a false sense of independence. As if she were ever given an option. As if she ever had a voice.

She was the first person he got to know. And she was the only one he remembered. There was no way he would ever, ever let go of her again. Not now, that she had started to return his caressing. Not now, that he had grown fond of her.

She must not be captured. Not again.

A scream scourged through the air – the deafening wail of a mother that had lost her child. Heavy footfalls disrupted the earth but didn't draw closer, instead shifting on the same spot. He was obviously stuck in a predicament. With the advanced darkness, he couldn't simply rush for her rough direction and risk to harm her by the falling trees, but clouded by agony of his own he lacked the calm to track her either. The despair laden in his pleas would have torn her heart to pieces. But it was already torn. There was no way she could be hurt any more right now.

She must have overexerted herself because the next time she tripped, she had no strength left to catch the fall. Ignoring the dirt in her face she still forced herself to stand and run, the only though left being to gain as much distance to him as possible.

The quakes and screams subsided with every minute that passed, the sounds muffled by their distance and the pattering rain. She couldn't tell how long she had been running. She wished for time to stop. All of it to just stop. But every thought of the beast behind urged her to move on.

Only as she found herself on the edge of another clearing she finally collapsed, eyes widening in terror as they riveted on a rock face that led up to a large recess.

Gods, no…

She should have known what fate had in store for her by now. But the sight of the all-too familiar haven was the final blow. The budding notion of escape was all but pounded to dust.

Weeping and crawling on all fours, she inched closer to the steep escarpment, balling her hands into fist to punch against the cold stone.

She threw up her head and screamed, loud enough for every damned god in the heavens to hear. She despised them for being so cruel, for playing their vicious games with her and for what?! Only to see her suffer in so many, inhuman ways. She wailed and threw a fit against the rocky Earth, commanding it to take back the devil it had released and unleashed on her. As all her strength left her, she slouched together into a pathetic heap of flesh, folded inwards in defence as she pulled her hair to distract her from her guilt, to punish herself for being so, so stupid.

Her mind was suffocated by a cloud of anxiety, subdued under the heavy burden of helplessness and despair. But in its very core, almost hidden at the bottom of the pit was hatred. Partly on this titan whose appearance had forced all of this upon her, but this was only a drop compared to the ocean of hatred she held for herself. Regardless of her wishful thinking, she couldn't deny that he was not to be blamed. Being intelligent enough to be conscious, it was only logical that he would find himself enchanted her company. She was there when he regained consciousness. She was his first memory. His only guidance amidst disorientation. Perhaps he knew that it was wrong to keep her captive. Perhaps he was even feeling bad for it. Seeing her initial suffering and angst, he had been compassionate enough to not force contact upon her but to retreat instead. In the end, he had put her well-being over his own, putting his whole plan on risk if she had decided to leave in that moment, even though he had craved for company so badly. And seeing then how she started to trust him had made him happier than anything else. Of course, he wanted things to stay as they were. He had only acted on instinct. On self-protection. Something that no one could ever blame him for.

But she… she had been blind to see it. A fool to dismiss it. She should have known, from the very beginning she should have put aside her convictions. After so many years as a scout, she thought she had seen the world, she had pretended to know about the nature of titans. And because of this stupid self-esteem did fail to notice the depth of his personality and the precarious situation she had been pulling herself into with every smile and endearment.

She should have seen the longing in this pair of innocent eyes. The underlying desperation. But she didn't. And now it was too late. She had believed that she would be safe with him, that he was the prince to rescue her and bring her back home. She had been blind to see that he had been her captor all along.

That he was the beast of the tale…

Sobbing into the nook between her kneecaps, she remained oblivious to time and space, trying to focus on the biting chill of wind on drenched clothes to distract herself.

Until something changed.

Warily she opened her eyes, watching idly how droplets pooled on the tips of her hair before falling to the ground. She could still hear the pelting sound of rain, but she couldn't feel it. Not anymore.

"Why… did you bring me here…?" she said in a voice that was hollow and debilitated, with no direction as if talking to herself.

Thunder cracked in the skies above, a flash of light flooding the world for the fraction of a second. But no light reached her as the clearing remained plunged into darkness.

Only faintly, she noticed the slight give of Earth behind her and a query from above, the approaching warmth feeling awfully familiar. As if salvaging a fallen fledgeling, she found herself scooped from the cold floor and cupped in a loose fist.

Red-shot eyes looked up to retrieve an answer, her face void of emotion. Upon the deepening night, the giant eyes were not more than a glimmer in the dark but no challenge for her to read them now. His ears had wilted at seeing her miserable state, but she didn't care. All she found only confirmed her apprehensions. These oh-so gentle eyes of the deepest green held naught but genuine worry. They were flooding her with their devotion, drowning her in their care. Even with her chances to escape being null and void, his fear to lose her was sincere. If one thing, he would never ever let this happen.

Weakened by the conflicting thoughts, she felt the last ounce of strength leaving her, her body unresponsive like a rag doll – a ragged doll, more precisely. There was no life left in her exhausted body, no reason to live. She couldn't care any less.

"You… never planned on.. bringing me back.. did you.." the silence stretched on, dragging on the question that was no actual question for she already knew the answer. Yet, his weary sigh was another confirmation.

A soft rumble went through her bones in a hesitant attempt of comfort. Rogue lifted his other hand, moving slowly in fear to startle her despite the advanced darkness. After holding still in less than armlength, he finally gathered enough will to touch her, rubbing her back in his oh-so loving manner.

It felt like balm and acid on her skin.

She heaved a watery breath, mind still clouded in crippling anxiety upon finding that the lock to her chains was tightly sealed. Deprived of any mental hold, and with all the pressure feeling cloying to her, she then finally surrendered, slouching together to a tight ball while enduring the caressing.

She was struck almost painfully by the realization that despite all the misery he had caused her, she still found comfort in his touch.

At a point without definition, Rogue moved and turned to huddle up against the stone wall, lifting her to his centre to cup her between his chest, hands, and knees. If the gesture was meant to convey safety she could not tell, but it surely felt like being trapped in a living cage.

He let out a cautious whine, the strong heartbeat proving that he, too, had been seized by worry. She half expected to find tears as well, but if there were, they were lost in the rain.

Trying to turn her back on him, she curled up into a tight ball. There was no way she could endure here, kept against her will. She would find a means of escape. She had to.

Pervasive thoughts nagged at her that night, denying her much needed rest. Only as the darkness of night became impenetrable, exhaustion finally pulled her under the thick and heavy veil of sleep.