Chapter TWO!
A/N: HA! Bet you didn't think I would continue this!
Oh no, I am not done! I have to write more about the HOT AND SPICEH JACOB. AAAAAAHHHH...Mmm.
Ow.
Anyways, READ IT. And, like, I would TOTALLY appreciate comments! Like, so much.
Today we are following Jasper and Emmett in all his blackness, two months after the incident in the previous chapter.
They are hiking in France. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T THEY BE?
A crisp breeze floated through the air, rustling the trees gently and awakening little baby birds up in their branches, who chirped loudly and angrily for their mothers. In the distance, a stream- OH FUCK THIS.
Too much description. Anyways, the two irritatingly sparkling fairies with a thirst for animal blood were skipping gaily- And I mean GAILY- along a nonexistent path hand in hand.
"So, little bro!" Emmett in all his Blackness said suddenly mid-skip. "What shall we do today, my darling non-black little bro'?"
Jasper froze up, using his ridiculous and physics-defying super strength to pull his brother, who apparently believed himself to be dark as night, to a stop with him.
"Dude, you are frickin' PASTY. Why the hell do you think you're so damn black?"
For hundreds of years, Jasper had dealt with this blithering moron who thought he was a colour other than what he actually was. Now he had to say something about it, finally.
Emmett blinked. "Wait, what? Is you crazy?"
"See? That! Fuckin' hell! Have you looked in the mirror this past century? You are PALE! Figure it out, dude!"
The cogs in Emmett's brain actually had to work for once as he tried to figure this out. His jaw went slack, eyes glazing over as he stared into the distance many, many thoughts trying to enter his mind and work out what this all meant.
It went something like this:
'Wait, what?
What the fuckin' hell?
Are you serious?
What am I thinking about? I forgot.
Uh... Jasper... Something he said...
Uh...
What is that? Oh, it appears to be a cloud... (At this point a stupid, slobbery smile cracked across a corner of his mouth) Ah, it looks like a rabbit...
Mm, rabbit blood. How delicious.
Oh, and deer blood is fantastic as well...
Mmmmmm! Oh, look, my pants are bulging. I feel happy.
...Huh?'
Slowly, the life returned to him as much as it could, since he wasn't particularly ALIVE in any sense of the word. He looked to his boner, shrugged, then looked at Jasper.
"...Huh?"
Jasper facepalmed and gave the other sparkly man a good bitchslap. Apparently Jasper could give a pretty good bitchslap, because it knocked a bit of the stupid from Emmett. Not anywhere near enough of it, though. He still thought he was black.
Emmett was only more turned on by this, and started making out with Jasper before the other could get in a word of protest.
A random French man appeared and started jacking off as he watched the two have at it.
Another Frenchman appeared, and this one did that annoying 'HON HON HON' laugh they do. He stroked his twirly moustache and began jacking off as he watched the other Frenchman jack off.
More Frenchman appeared, and it got really chaotic as 'hon hon's' and manjuice filled the air, each of them staring slobbering at the man who'd appeared before them.
Emmett and Jasper were completely and totally unaware of this.
"Your socks say Thursday!" exclaimed the same Someone from the previous chapter; in fact, they are probably the most sane and normal person in this story.
Anyways, back in France, across the sea of fishy water from where Someone was, Jasper and Emmett finally broke apart, looked around, saw a bunch of moustaches and enormous penises, and were gone before you could say antidisestablishmentarian-ism- as in, it took them a REALLY long time to move away, since all the shit about them being super fast was a blatant lie.
Safely at the top of the Eiffel Tower (remember how in the last chapter Jasper killed Harry Potter and became the new Voldemort? Well, he gained the ability to apparate when this happened, and remembered that he could, in fact, do this after they had walked an entire mile in hopes of escaping the horny Frenchmen), Jasper came upon a wonderful and super amazing idea that was so incredibly cool that he couldn't even grasp it's concept in its entirety, as it burned his brain a bit and would surely disintegrate Emmett's stupid, size-of-a-proton brain, which was why he did not speak it aloud, or even let himself think of it fully. It was so great that it was better than swearing and drinking and smoking and sex- well, maybe not sex- combined. It was more epic than the sexual pear of sex. It was like the lovechild of flocci nauci nihili pili fication and . The sun of epic awesomesauce shined so brightly in his mind that he wondered how he hadn't melted into a pile of epic mercury mush yet. In his mind, emus shrieked like they were on acid, which they probably were. He began to hallucinate, and saw yellow and orange and green converge into a pair of sexy high heels, which grew taller and taller until they reached the sky far above him, roaring with the fury of one thousand twenty five hundred fifty two dead worlds, shrieking on and on about womens rights and how men should all go and die in holes filled with gators and they suddenly lifted him off the ground and threw him out to space, where he flew passed the moon and killed Harry Potter all over again, which automatically teleported him to Darth Vader's porn theatre, filled with moustached Frenchmen jacking off in their squeaky seats, until they all faded into a blur of white and exploded into a huge mess that could never be cleaned, fading into the first level of Mario where Jasper promptly killed the plumber, ate his hat, and MADE THE UNIVERSE EXPLODE.
And then, the hallucination ended and he realized he'd been staring at the sky with the same expression Emmett had worn earlier.
"I CAN FLY!" Jasper yelled out suddenly, realization stretched like an exploded bag of chips across his face.
Yes- that was his whole genius idea. He could fly. He knew he could. Without pausing to think about it further, he ran to the edge of the tower and leapt off.
Emmett in all his Blackness stared out after him.
"...What?"
He genuinely had no idea of what had just occurred.
Jasper was flying. Down. Fast.
Okay, fine, he was actually falling. Hard. Straight to the ground.
By the way, it should totally be mentioned that Emmett still has his boner at this point.
Anyways, Jasper was falling. And the ground was rapidly approaching. Apparently, the vampire super speed kicked in at very inconvenient times.
Before this could happen, however, he got the very intense image of a bird flying into a window recently cleaned with Windex, and instantaneously grew wings and soared upward.
"YEEEEES! I CAN FLYYYYYYY! HA, TAKE THAT, PHYSICS! I TOLD YOU SO! I WIN! I KICK ASS! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA-"
Right in the middle of the maniacal laughter, a hunter appeared out nowhere and shot him down.
And, having turned into a bird man, Jasper was no longer immortal, and plummeted to the ground.
Nearby, a stupid American tourist was loudly singing the chorus to 'Another One Bites the Dust' in a very obnoxious and off-key voice.
Emmett in all his blackness, still, had no idea what the fuck had just happened. Instead, he returned home, too much of an idiot to remember who Jasper was, or care that his fuck buddy had just died.
Back in Forks, no one else really gave a shit either.