A/N: Hmm, who shall I kill off this time?
Oh, on that note- I don't feel like killing of Renesmee. I mean, just a little vampire child. So let's just pretend it was a time warp in that first chapter and that she was never born.
...Damn! Then Mary S- Er, Bella's not a vampire!
Shit.
Fine then, let's just say that... Er...
*uses epic awesome author powers to make a bottomless pit form beneath Renesmee's feet* THERE. FIX'D.
And she falls foreveeeeer...
Who the fuck names their kid Renesmee? Jeez!
ANYHOW, ONWARD!
XB
Somewhere deep in the forest surrounding the Cullen's house, Bella was being stared down by stoned monkeys.
"Oh..." she whispered, feeling absolutely no emotion even though a sensible person would scared out of their minds in a situation like this.
After all, even though the Mary Sue didn't know this, the monkeys were, in fact, robot ninja pirate monkeys.
On crack.
Just like this fic!
Each and every one of these perfectly normal looking monkeys had their eyes set on Bella and only Bella.
And she just stared back, mumbling a barely audible two-letter word over and over again.
Can you guess what that word was?
Well?
'Oh', you say?
WRONG.
In fact, she was saying, 'Ah'.
...Just kidding.
And now, you're saying, 'what the fuck, just tell me what's going on!'
Aren't you?
Well, I'll tell you.
Twenty seven hundred million, five hundred and fifty six thousand, nine hundred and forty two robot pirate ninja monkeys reached into the reaches of five thousand endless dimensions and time and pulled out swords. But not just any swords, no.
These swords were robot ninja pirate monkey swords.
Forged using the finest flucinhuahenfulinin ore and refined by the best metal smiths in the known robot ninja pirate monkey universe (they come from an alternate universe of epic, you see), these swords were lighter than air in the hands of trained professional monkeys. They curve through the very fabric of space-time and can beat the world to a pulp with a single stroke.
"...Oh..." whispered Bella, in a tone that any ordinary person with a personality would have followed up with 'shit'.
Most likely, she was screwed.
XB
Meanwhile, Edward was driving in his sexy frickin car, driving way too fast, somewhere in Canada.
Why he was in Canada of all places he didn't know. He was just sort of in Canada. Probably for the same reason Jasper and Emmett had been in France- ABSOLUTELY NONE.
Canadians were taking up plenty of space on the road, and getting extremely pissed off by the whole thing.
"What are you doing, eh! You're going to crash! Eh!"
Edward the fairy completely ignored them. Not only because he was too caught up in himself and his greasy hair, but also because he couldn't even see them. At all. In fact, he was thoroughly convinced that he was completely and entirely alone on the street.
So he jammed the accelerator harder into the ground and shot forward.
"I AM SO COLD," he roared, wind attempting to make his stony cheeks flap and failing miserably.
BAM.
Fifteen invisible Canadian cars slammed into Edward's sexy Volvo at once. The pressure launched him straight into the air, miles into the sky. Below the Canadians stared after him and shrugged.
"We told you so, eh..."
The wind became angry at such a pale, cold, sparkling fairy without wings attempting to fly through it that, deeply offended, it decided to show this freak who was boss.
So it sent him at an intensely high speed straight back to Forks, where it hit him from above, knocking him straight down in the most painful way possible through the room of the high school, where he found himself in a Biology room.
The teacher slowly turned around, staring first at the hole in her ceiling, then at Edward himself.
"Oh... Hello... I'm Ms. Domes. Tell me... Did you get the package?"
She gave him a very large smile that actually made him shudder.
"...I'll be going..." Edward began to stand up, completely unharmed by the fall.
Ms. Domes ignored him. "Well? Did you get it? It is from... Saudi Arabia... I have been waiting for it for... quite some time now..."
She released a little giggle, eyes wide and unblinking, and turned back to the blackboard, continuing a drawing of the anatomy of a baby dragon.
Edward got the hell out.
XB
Back in the forest, Bella was still staring at the millions of abnormal monkeys on crack holding swords.
Unfortunately, it was not her time to die. Such a shame.
The monkeys glared at her for a very long time, an infinitely long time. In fact, they stared her down for approximately fifteen million years, but then the world exploded. She didn't do a damn thing the entire time, so they rewound time back to right after they got their swords continued from there.
They would much rather spend their time killing someone who would actually do something more than say 'oh' as they were stabbed millions of times in the chest.
Instead, the unleashed the loudest, most horrible shriek ever heard in the history of mankind.
You thought there was a shot heard round the world? Well, that's nothing compared to twenty seven hundred million, five hundred and fifty six thousand, nine hundred and forty two robot pirate ninja monkeys on crack with swords shrieking simultaneously.
It was something of a miracle in some places. Deaf people found their hearing returned to them in an instant, and instantly knew they had it back. The problem was, they didn't know whether to be happy or upset about it, and ultimately wound up sad about it as they lost it again a moment later, eardrums destroyed for good by the unending, fatal scream.
Hitler rose from the dead and promptly died again, and any remaining Nazi zombies buried themselves in their own former brains.
The people who were considered insane and left to live in white padded rooms were finally understood, if only for a moment, to be the only ones who actually knew what the hell was going on in the world. This caused panic among political figures for a moment, but everything was returned to normal as the scream continued.
And then it was gone. And so were the monkeys. They vanished in a puff of smoke, and the last thing to vanish was their hands, millions of them, all giving humanity a huge 'Fuck You'.
Bella stared.
"...Oh."
XB
The next day, in the Cullen household, someone knocked on the door.
Carlisle and Esme were too busy fucking in the kitchen, Alice was trying to console Bella, who was convinced that she was a monkey, and Emmet was rapping in his room, so the task of opening it was left to Edward.
He pushed it open to find Ms. Domes standing there, the same insane, broad smile stretched across her face.
"Hello... Did you... Have you gotten the package yet? I am still awaiting it's arrival..."
Edward spluttered.
"Ah... Oh, here it is! Right here, in my very large handbag that I did not even know I had... Here you are, Mr. Cullen. The package, straight from Saudi Arabia... I suspect it is a camel."
Ms. Domes held it out to Edward. When he didn't accept it from her, and made no sign of planning to do so, she shoved it into his arms with another huge grin.
"Well! Enjoy the camel!" Turning away, she ran off.
Edward looked at the sloppily wrapped brown paper box in his hands. On the top corner someone had scribbled a barely legible 'Saudi Arabia'. The same handwriting appeared again in the centre, only in this instance is was completely illegible. No one except the sender would be able to tell who it was sent to.
As Edward stared, he began to notice a slight ticking noise coming from the box.
He, unlike Bella, was fortunately capable of saying more than one word.
"Oh... Shit..."
The anti-immortality bomb inside the package exploded, and another vampire fairy was gone.
Bella was too busy thinking she was a monkey to have any idea what had just happened.
Far away, Someone smiled and commented once again on socks, then started giggling madly over the death they'd inspired.
A/N: It feels a bit early to kill off Edward, but... 'Someone' requested it.
So there you go, my sock-commenting friend!
Who do YOU think will die next? MWAHAHAHA!