Alice had decided to start hating men.
Ever since Jasper's loss in the war against gravity and Frenchmen with guns, she had felt like something had been missing in her life all this time. For all those centuries, she'd been blind to something...
"MEN ARE FUCKING USELESS!" she screamed.
Bella nodded. "Oh."
"Shut up Mary."
She had seen the light. The light! The fucking LIGHT! And now she was going to it, and was shining brightly as she climbed back out of the holy light of despising half the population.
They were stupid, and perverted, and useless, couldn't do a damn thing, AND THEY ALL DESERVED TO DIE.
There were plenty more reasons than this, but she couldn't think of them at the moment.
Stupid men. Now that she personally was free of their terrible reign (there were only two men left in the household at this point- Emmett and Carlisle, and one of them probably didn't even count as a man, but she couldn't tell who), she was determined to free all other women from their useless attempt to be powerful! SHE WAS GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD!
"BELLA! HOW SHOULD I START?"
Bella stared at her for a long moment. "Ohhh... Oh! Oh, oh oh oh... Oh oh, oh, oh oh ohhhhh oh oh! Oh Oh oh oh oh... Ohohohohoh! Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh! Oh!"
Alice realized that this wouldn't get her anywhere. "...YOU ARE NO FUCKING HELP, DO YOU KNOW THAT BELLA? NONE WHAT SO FUCKING EVER. SCREW YOU, I'LL DO THIS MYSELF."
She tap danced downstairs, tripping over a couple stairs and falling to the first floor, her nose smashing into the wood in the process.
"BITCHFUCKASSDICK!"
XB
On the ceiling fan, Carlisle and Esme were just finishing up with their third fuck of the morning.
Seriously, what the hell else were they going to do? Millions of year to live, and absolutely NOTHING TO DO for most of it!
Alice threw a rock at them in irritation.
"Why the fuck do you have to do that in place sight? God! And mom, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT USELESS MAN! FUCKING MEN CAN GO DIE IN A HOLE, GODDAMN DICKS BITCH FUCK ASS COCK DAMNIT..." She ran her nails down the wall, enraged. Deep scratch marks appeared in her canvas, and the two adults on the fan completely ignored her.
Finally, Alice gave up and decided to just go and try to save the world.
Dancing all the way, her journey began.
XB
Now we shall switch our point of view to a different side of the world, far away from these freaks in Washington, far far away across an ocean.
A loud scream of rage was currently coming from Someone.
"YOU ARE NOT WEARING ANY SOCKS. WHAT THE FUCKDICKASSBITCH!"
"Well screw you!" Someone Else yelled back.
XB
Alice was now in a strip club, using her dance moves to please men greatly.
Of course, she was here for a reason. Not only was she proving to herself that men were even more useless, stupid, and complete ducking ficks than she previously thought, but she had a bomb in her pocket.
Just as dozens of men leaned forward, drooling, watching as she prepared to unclasp her bra, she reached into one cup and pulled out a tiny little bomb.
A tiny little bomb that packed a huge punch.
Throwing it into the crowd, she took off dancing, and was fifteen miles away before it exploded a few seconds later.
XB
"THE FIRST PART OF MY PLAN HAS BEEN PUT IN MOTION! FUCKING MEN ARE ALL SO USELESS, I HAVE BEGAN TO RID OF THE WORLD OF THOSE STUPID COMPLETE BITCHES! FINALLY! HAHAHAHAHA!"
A little man in old tattered, dirty clothing poked his head out of a box on the ground. "...Wha'? Shu'up, go 'way, hobo wanna sleep..." He moved back into his box and vanished from sight.
Alice stared at the spot where he had been a moment ago, then shrugged and started dancing again, moving swiftly up and down the street, hitting men in the back of the neck as she went, so fast that she was practically invisible. They promptly fell to the ground and died.
She stole a pocketknife from one of her victims and proceeded to bring a huge massacre upon the street.
And she danced. Her feet leapt lightly from the ground, easily, effortlessly, soaring, bouncing, twisting, bouncing, spinning, turning, each move as perfect as the last and the next.
She danced too damn much.
Down in hell, Satan was getting very pissed off about this. He hated people who wouldn't die and never stopped dancing on the damn ground. He always heard her feet tip-tapping above him, for hundreds of years, CONSTANTLY, NEVER ENDING, AND IT DROVE HIM INSANE.
So he did the totally reasonable thing: he caused an earthquake underneath her dancing feet, opening a hole directly beneath her, and she fell all the way down to hell, right in front of Satan himself.
Above, a hole opened beneath Alice's feet. It happened too fast for even her to see what was happening, and she found herself falling, falling down into the fiery pits of hell itself.
The hole closed up right after she fell, encasing her in darkness. No one else noticed anything, being too stupid, slow, and... well, everyone was DEAD, so... Yea!
She landed at the feet of the devil himself.
Alice looked at him for a long moment, then simply said, "I don't have a soul for you to steal. I traded it tap shoes fifty years ago."
Satan winced. "I know. I know. And that was a mistake... WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO DANCE TO DAMN MUCH?"
The dancer gave him a very level look. "Because I FUCKING CAN."
Satan bitch slapped her.
Alice bitch slapped him.
This brought on a very angry catfight, where Satan tried to pull Alice's hair as she yanked at his horns, slapping each other and talking trash the entire time.
"OH NO BETCH, YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE!"
"THATS RIGHT, I WENT THERE!"
"OH YEA?"
"YEA!"
I'll let you make your own guesses at who said what.
After this scuffle, the two very mangled immortal creatures stood.
They glared at each other in silent contempt for a very long time.
Satan spoke first.
"You can't leave."
"Is that so?"
"Yea. You're stuck here. In these fiery pits. For eternity. So you should get used to it."
Alice thought for a moment. "...Can I torment all the men?"
"...Sure." The devil shrugged. "Whatever. As much as you want. Have it at. But, uh... Could you keep the dancing down a bit?"
"Sure."
XB
Back up in the land of the living, no one noticed Alice's absence. If they did, they likely felt happy for her. After all, she'd probably found something more interesting to do than live forever.
And, indeed, she had.
"HAAAAHAAHAHA! DIE, YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE MEN! HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
A/N: Meh. Not really killed off, but close enough. Alice is the only semi-decent character in the whole thing. So she can just sort of... dance around and bug people. BUT SHE DANCES WAY TOO MUCH, OH MY GOD.