J.
..
I won't cry. I won't cry. I won't cry.
I repeat this mantra with every sip of vodka I take.
I will prevail. This is just a blimp in my path of self-preservation. I am stronger than this.
I continue to chant more bullshit while I take another mini liquor bottle from the mini fridge and open it, pacing my room. My phone's gone off about a billion times since I got back. None being Lisa, thank God, because I'm not sure if I could handle anything more thrown at me after what just happened downstairs. Instead, it's those annoying Facebook notifications, one after another. Ever since Jisoo downloaded that damn app on my phone, it never seems to shut up. So and so posted in author group. So and so posted on author page. So and so posted AHHH! Social media just needs to die!
Not to mention, Jisoo's also blowing up my phone wondering where the hell I'm at. I want to respond with in hell drinking my retirement fund in mini liquor bottles out of the hotel liquor cabinet, but that would also mean I'd have to admit I'm alive. And right about now, I'm not sure I can leave my room. And meeting her at the meet and greet she set up would entail doing just that.
I've officially diagnosed myself with real life anxiety because my palms begin to sweat just at the thought of leaving this space and running into her. Into anyone. We weren't quiet and there's no doubt we made a scene. People heard. Documented it with their stupid phones and stupid social media. It's only a matter of time before Jisoo sees it and sends the troops to come find me.
So, I continue to pace my room. I pace so hard, I worry they're gonna take my deposit just to replace the carpet when I check out. I know I promised Jisoo I'd make the meet and greet, but I'm not sure I can go down there. I'm fighting not to pack my bags and leave, sending a note to Jisoo's room telling her I'm sorry. I know she'll be more than pissed with me, but she told me from the start she'd understand.
Another ding echoes into my room and I find myself taking down another mini bottle, before checking my phone seeing another text from Jisoo. I open the message, reading her urgent plea for me to hurry and how the rampant group of fans is starting to get antsy.
"I need to do it for them. She won't even be there," I tell myself, going for my shoes and sliding a shoe up my heel. There's no way Lisa would go to an author meet and greet. Especially one that my best friend is throwing just for me.
I take a few deep breaths, trying to get my shit together. I need to rid myself of anything Lisa Manoban and get myself back on normal ground. I brush my teeth and re-apply makeup that's worn off from the long day. I decide to change into a tight-fitting dress Randy lent me. It completely clashes with my red Converse, but I can't give a shit. I do one thing out of the norm and apply a small dab of red lip gloss. I figure I'm feeling rebellious, why not.
My phone dings again with yet another Facebook notification as I finally leave my room. "God, how do you turn these damn things off?" I mumble, pulling my phone from my back pocket. As I swipe to unlock my phone I read the most recent notification.
Park Jihyo tagged Lisa Manoban in a post in New YorkAuthor Signing Attendee group
Oh, did she now.
What the hell does she have to post about? I open the app and go to the group page, which takes forever since I don't even know how to use the damn thing. Once I make it to the group site I scroll until I see it. And my heart plummets.
Posted is a selfie taken of Lisa with a pretty blonde on her lap. The attached message reads:
She smells just as yummy as her lap feels!
I read the message two more times and stare at the picture longer than I should. That… that… "asshole." I hiss, kicking the wall in the hallway. I kick it again, and then kick the fake plant minding its own business in front of the elevators. She can stand there begging me to give her a chance one minute and two seconds after telling her to beat it, she's already opening her lap up to the entire female population, with open arms! Or legs, in this matter!
"What a jerk. What a fucking jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Fucking jerk." I'm a broken record at this point. All that bullshit she fed me. Didn't take her long to get over the fact that I wouldn't succumb to her fucking bullshit. If she thinks she's going to get back at me by pulling this stunt, then she's way wrong.
I'm out of the elevator and headed toward the hotel bar like a woman on a mission. I'm a wee bit drunk, so I manage to trip over my own shoe getting out of the elevator and stumble twice more once I hit the packed bar. Jisoo spots me right away and stands, waiving her hand to call me over. I use my eagle eyes to search out her surroundings when I see it. Or her. And all. Of. Them. Deep breath. You can do this. Okay, now use your feet and walk. I wish that was easier said than done because I sway and bump into a waitress holding a full tray.
"Shit, sorry!" I apologize to the waitress just as I make it to the seated area.
"Hey! Where the hell have you been? I've been calling and texting you."
They chose the lounge seating, which means two couches facing one another. That also means Jisoo seems to be on one side with a group of people, and Lisa, accompanied by a flock of fans, directly across from her.
I take a quick glance at Lisa, making sure she's paying attention. "Oh, sorry. I had some people in my room for a pre-party."
Jisoo has a strange expression on her face, clearly knowing I'm lying. "Oh. Like who? Isn't that why we're having the meet and greet?"
I shrug. "Yeah, but this was a private party, if ya know what I mean." I wink at her and throw myself onto the lounge chair.
Jisoo retakes her seat next to me and flags down the waitress. The group of women surrounding Lisa, some from the signing whom I met earlier today, don't even acknowledge me. They're all too busy fighting for Lisa's attention. And let me tell ya, if I wasn't already agitated by her and her intentions, I'm even more so now. I lean forward, grabbing for Jisoo's martini on the tiny cocktail table, but I accidently knock over a bunch of glasses.
"Whoa, careful, honey. Have you been drinking?" Jisoo picks up the spilled drinks, while I ignore her and slam the rest of her martini. "Hey… slow down, killer, the night's just getting started." She takes her now empty glass and sets it down. When the waitress finally comes by Jisoo orders herself a new martini and me a vodka tonic.
"Excuse me." I flag her down before she makes her getaway. "Make that a double. Actually, just bring two doubles. It's gonna be a fun one tonight." I smile and turn away from the waitress but not in the direction of Jisoo's worried eyes. The bad part is the only other way to look is in front of me.
"So, Pran, who's your new lap dog?" I watch her tense, but the blonde next to her eagerly smiles. I swear she just licked her lips like a hungry animal.
"I have no idea what you're referring to, but I'm clearly just sitting here. What about you and your room party? What the fuck is that all about?" Her eyes are on fire.
Good. I hope they burn and fall out. I lean back, feeling a bit dizzy.
"You sure you're okay?" Jisoo butts in. Giving Lisa the evil eye, she asks, "Did something happen?"
"Seriously, I'm fine," I snap and sit back up, the dizziness hitting me again. Thankfully the waitress shows up with our drinks, distracting Jisoo from monitoring me. Grabbing both my glasses, I chug the first one, sloppily placing it back on the waitress's tray. It's when I sit back again that the dizziness hits full force. Because in front of me is a beautiful redhead now sitting next to Lisa.
"You two make a great couple," I slur, raising my glass to cheers them.
Lisa looks super mad, trying to brush the girl off her. "Knock it off, Jennie."
"No way. You should totally go for it. Take her back up to your room. Probably should feed her too. She looks about ready to take a bite outta your neck." And boy does that bitch look hungry. Seriously, the amount of times she's licked her lips.
"I'm not taking anyone up to my room."
"You're not?" The bimbo frowns, looking as if she were just told Santa wasn't real.
"Never say never, girlfriend. Just tell her you're not into her and she'll make it a mission to—"
"Stop," Lisa snaps.
"No, for real. She should know." I take another sip, feeling her eyes as they throw daggers at me. "Pranpriya for the win. And I'm sure she doesn't care that you have a girlfriend either. Match made in—"
"Jesus Christ, stop! Look at you. You're drunk and making a fool of yourself."
Ouch.
But she's right.
What am I really accomplishing here? I need to be done. Be done playing games. Be done being hurt, being angry, being confused.
I need to be done.
I startle everyone around me when I pounce up, knocking my knee into the small drink table and shaking half the empty glasses onto the floor. I swig my drink till it's almost gone then slam it down. "All right, folks. Time to get this party started." I turn to Jisoo. "Don't wait up, 'kay?" I give my back to the group and make my way to the bar. The vodka is hitting me like a freight train, so my footing is off. I get up to the bar, practically falling into it. I stick my hand up to get the bartender's attention and look around. It's difficult to see too far, but I notice some dude sitting two seats down, and he looks to be alone. I hop over until I'm seated next to him.
"Why, hello there, handsome, you alone?" Fuck, that was horrible.
The guy looks me up and down, then tends back to his full drink. "I am. What's it to you?"
Oh, I'm about to let him know. "Well, you see. I was looking for someone to take back up to my room. You wanna go back to my room and fuck like rabbits?" I know this is bad. This is not me. But I need this to end.
Shock widens his eyes at my bold offer. I may also look a wee bit surprised at how blatantly I offered him sex, but there's a lot of booze flowing through my veins and right now, I'm letting them do all the driving.
"You serious?"
"As a heart attack. My room. Now."
He debates it for another ten seconds before he slaps a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and stands. I grab for his hand, mainly for support, and tug him toward the exit. I don't bother looking back. I pull my victim out of the bar and escort him toward the elevator. It's a good thing he seems to know the way to the elevators, because seeing is not my best attribute at the moment. As I drag the man along, my mind goes back to the bar and how that stupid chick was practically sitting on her lap. She allowed her to get so close. That chick small little body probably would fit perfectly in her lap. And that damn photo. Looking as if she was at ease. Enjoying herself.
My anger flares up like a raging fire. I want to turn around and go back into that bar and rip that stupid girl away from her. Then I want to stab Lisa's eyes out for being her. "I fucking hate her," I spit out, forgetting my surroundings.
"What's that, sweetheart?"
I look at the blurry man beside me. I also see a bathroom door. "Oh, fuck it." I pull him to the side and drag him into the women's bathroom. Fuck waiting to get back to my room. The faster I get this over with, the faster I'll rid Lisa Manoban from my system and feel some relief.
I get us into the bathroom stall, and he wastes no time going at it. His hands are up my waist, his sloppy tongue all over my neck, my face, my chin. I allow him free rein because I don't care at this point. I'm way over caring. I reach down, fumbling with his belt buckle, when the stall door goes crashing open. The dude jumps, ready to yell at who's interrupting us, when a fist meets his face. Everything happens so quickly. My poor victim is dragged off me and two more closed fists go flying. It's just when I'm about to start yelling, I'm thrown over Lisa's shoulder and being carried out of the bathroom.
"Who do you think you are? Put me down!" I scream over her shoulder. I yell and fight her the whole way through the lobby, in the elevator and to my room. She doesn't even ask where that is. It seems she already knows.
"Put me down!" I smack her in the back, feeling dizzy from my entire body of blood flowing to my head. She adjusts me just enough to grab for my room key that's jammed in my bra and unlocks my door. Storming inside, I go to yell some more, but before I have a chance I'm catapulted off Lisa's shoulder and onto my bed.
"Are you crazy? You could have seriously hurt that guy!"
"Good. He's lucky to even be breathing right now."
How dare she? "That was not your business to get involved in!" I snap, trying to sit up.
Her eyes go wild with fury, a side very rare for Lisa. She comes at me, her dominating frame hovering above me. "It was completely my business. What the fuck were you thinking? Going to let that asshole touch you? Fuck you in that goddamn bathroom?"
I squint at the harshness in her tone. I would have let her do anything to get the image of Lisa Manoban out of my mind and system. Anything to make the pain go away. "Oh, and what about bimbo Barbie? She seemed to be well on her way to having her botoxed lips around your junk. God! Newsflash, Lisa, I'm not yours anymore."
"You will always be mine!" she booms.
Her chest is heaving, her hands clenched into white fists. I want to tell her she's wrong. I'm nothing to her anymore. I'm broken and angry. I bring myself up onto my knees, gathering what wits I have left, and I lift my hand and crush my open palm against her face. The gasp that leaves my lips, startled at my own action, echoes throughout the room along with the sound of my open palm meeting her cheek. Lisa's eyes widen with shock. I fight not to turn away at the reddened mark of my slap, but my lower lip begins to quiver, and the tears threaten to spill.
"Get out."
"No. I'm not leaving. I won't let you push me away again."
Push her away? I'm not the one who put us here. I climb off the bed. I almost fall over, but Lisa is there to steady me. "Don't touch me." I slap at her hands, fighting off her warm touch. "I want you out of my room." I put some distance between us, leaning my back against the wall for support.
"Jennie—"
"No! Don't you get it? I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me," I cry out. "I hate that you made me fall in love with you. For making me feel like I had a chance at happiness. You fucking broke me. And I hate you for that," I choke out my last words when she reaches out, grabbing my face, and crushes her lips to mine. I bring my hands immediately up her chest, fighting her off me. She doesn't allow it. Her lips become harder against mine, parting my lips. I continue to fight her as she steals this moment.
"You don't hate me," she whispers, releasing my lips and pressing her forehead to mine. She doesn't care that my hands are in a death grip on her shirt, or that I've begun to soak both our faces with my tears. The back of her hand brushes away the wetness as she threads her fingers into my hair. "I love you, Jennie."
Four words that feel like a double-edged sword digging into my heart. "No." I shake my head, needing those jaded words to not make their way into my heart. "I can't do this with you anymore." I'm no longer able to keep my emotions at bay. I push her off me, and this time she allows it. "Stop using those words to change things. You think I believe them when you spit them out? Everything you've done, you don't love me—"
"Don't." She stops me. "Don't doubt the one thing I've never been more sure of. How do I show you? Prove to you?"
"You can't. Not anymore—"
She's on me again, her lips back covering mine. "I can." She's kissing me hard. My hands are fighting against her, working up her chest until the need to have her breaks. My fingers work themselves into her hair, gripping so tight, a groan filters through her lips as she parts mine, taking her tongue inside my mouth. She presses her body hard into mine, pushing my back firmly against the wall. I feel how hard she is everywhere, and I snap. I'm kissing her back just as rough, fighting back with each violent stroke of our tongues.
Her hands become just as ruthless as she tugs my dress up my thighs, grinding herself into me. The sensation it creates causes my fingers to curl. I moan, lifting my legs. Lisa is right there grabbing my thighs, wrapping my legs around her waist.
"You're so damn perfect." Her lips rip away from mine, taking her mouth to my neck, roughly kissing down my skin, using a hand to squeeze my breast.
I don't allow her words to sink in. I don't want to think about what's happening. Right now, I just want to feel. I drop my head against the wall, giving her free rein of my body. My skin buzzes at the feel of her touching me. On me. My hands begin to shake. I need her so bad, it's scaring me. Just feel, Jennie. I drop a hand and fumble with her zipper. Her hand is back working my dress up my thighs, pushing it past my hips. My thong is gone just as I get her zipper down. She helps me push her jeans down and then she's pushing inside of me.
I would say it was the moan heard around the world. Hot, loud. Emotional. Physical. A feeling like I just came home. She pulls out and slams back into me pushing my back up the wall, setting off another round of sounds filtering through our lips. Again and again, until she knows she has my attention. She brings her lips back to mine, taking my mouth hard against hers. Her silent message telling me, showing me, this is what love feels like. Raw, vulnerable. She's baring herself in this kiss. In the way she owns my body.
"I know you feel it," she breathes, bringing me to the brink, my body in desperate need to release all the pent-up anger, sadness, need for her. I don't answer her. I fight to admit that I do feel it. In every bone in my body. It's my heart that's beating so hard in confusion. What will happen once we come down and there are no more silent words between us. I feel the tear fall from my eyelids as my orgasm comes crashing down over my body. I squeeze tightly around Lisa, just as she grabs me, pressing me firmly against her. We climax together, the sounds of both our hearts, bodies, physical and emotional strain releasing.
It is only the inevitable that once we come down, reality sinks in. Oh my God, what did we just do? I begin shaking my head. The tears instant. I shouldn't have allowed this to happen. My mind is muddled, confused, and unsure on what to do next.
"Don't pull away from me. I can feel you wanting to."
I want to do more than pull away. I want to run so fast away if it meant not having to face what happens next. I listen. Or I tell her to leave. Two options. I open myself up to more pain at whatever she has to say, or I choose to hurt by taking her out of the equation altogether.
"This was a mistake." I wiggle out of her grip, so she has no other option but to put me down. She pulls out, leaving me feeling emptier than before. "Get out. I need you to just get out." I fight for air, knowing I'm about to lose it once again.
"No. Jennie, I'm not leaving this time. I'm not allowing you to push me away anymore." She tries to console me, but my hands go up, thrusting into her chest and pushing her away from me. "Jennie—"
"GET OUT."
Lisa steps back, thrusting her hands through her hair. She's breathing heavily, just as I am. "No. I'm not giving up on us. I know I fucked up and, dammit, I hate myself for lying to you, but I had my reasons."
"Get out."
"No! I'm not leaving. I lied. I kept things from you. And now I need you to hear me out."
"Stop. I don't want to hear—"
"She was blackmailing me."
I stop fighting her.
"She knew things about me and was using them to keep me from breaking ties."
I look at her in disbelief. "You expect me just to believe that? Some generic excuse and I'll fall for it?"
"I expect you to believe it, because it's the truth."
I must look like such a fool to her. Everyone has dirt on people, but if she thinks… "Do you honestly take me for that big of a fool? You think just 'cause I let you fuck me I'll believe you? Newsflash—"
"I WAS IN REHAB."
Her words shock me silent.
She scrubs her palms down her face and continues. "Last year I spent three months in rehab. A few months before that, six months."
That was not what I expected from Lisa. "What are you talking about? Why?"
"Because I had a drinking problem. And it got really bad. I let the fame of the sport get to me. I drank to celebrate, I drank to destress, I drank just to drink. Before I knew it, there wasn't a reason, time, or place I wasn't drinking." She turns away from me, so she no longer has to face me when she talks. "I was with Rosé during this time. She was my main cause of it. I'm not blaming her, but she wasn't helping me. She was pushing me to do the events, the parties. She was just as big of a drinker as I'd become. During one of my many occurrences where I blacked out I did something I shouldn't have. I was being scouted for the NHL and I accepted a gift, which is a big no-no. Rosé and her father made it go away. That's when I put myself in rehab the first time." She turns back to me. "When I got out I saw a lot of things clearer. Rosé, for one, was no good for me. Being sober allowed me to see how badly she was using me. My career benefited hers big-time. If I made it big, it was because of her. When I came home the first time, trying to break things off, she fought me on it. Convinced me to stay. She also got me to start drinking, causing me to lose my senses again."
I can see the guilt pouring from her words. There's no hiding the shame in her eyes.
"The second time I entered rehab was because I almost killed another person while driving. I was spiraling worse than before. I felt myself losing control of my life, my career. When I got home the second time, I told myself I was done. I had it out with Rosé. I told her we were through. I wanted nothing to do with her deceptions nor her father's claws that he had so deep in my hockey career.
"She had no intentions of letting me go. She threatened to go to the media with my addiction. Tell the NHL how I'd accepted a scouting gift, which would have killed any chance of playing for the NHL." She comes close enough that I can see her hands trembling. "Rosé never signed on to the author event. I came home and saw the paperwork. She wanted to control me and everything I did. But when I came home, I told her we were through and I left. I filled out the form myself and sent it to Jisoo. It was the perfect opportunity to leave and give Rosé the chance to move her stuff out."
"But she didn't leave."
"No." She drops her head, her hands pushing through her hair.
"Why didn't you just tell me this? Why the lies, Lisa?"
She lifts her hands to touch me, then thinks twice of it and drops them. "Because who wants to meet someone and have to admit they were an alcoholic? Battling to keep my dream of playing hockey in the NHL because I fucked up."
I try and rack my brain over the past few months and it's true, I never saw Lisa drink. All the times that I did, she never indulged. Oh my God, all the times I drank in front of her. All the times I blacked out. "Lisa, why…"
"My addiction is my problem, not yours. I needed to prove to myself I was fighting it. If I couldn't handle being around booze and not drink, then I wasn't where I needed to be. But you… You made it bearable."
"By being a drunk in return?" God, the guilt that I'm drunk right now makes me feel like shit.
This time she does follow through, lifting her hands and cupping my face. "I kept it from you because I didn't want you to judge me. I lied to you about Rosé because I didn't want her anywhere near the perfect thing I was building with you. She may not have accepted that we were done, but I was. She didn't own me anymore. You did."
"Lisa…"
"I lied because I was ashamed. You saw this perfect girl, but in reality, I was nowhere near that."
Everything she's telling me becomes too much. The truth is not what I was expecting.
"Stop, please don't. No more crying."
I didn't even realize I'd begun to cry. Lisa pulls me away, lifting me into her arms and walking us over to the bed. She lays me down, placing herself next to me. Our eyes meet once again and there's a similar look in both. Pain. Sadness. Regret.
"I don't want to be the reason you cry. Ever." She lifts her hand to wipe the fallen tear off my cheek. Her eyes are pleading.
I take in a deep breath, trying to rein in my emotions.
Can everything she just confessed allow me to get past the hurt and distrust she's already imbedded in me? I stare into her shining green eyes. Ones I've gotten lost in so many times before. Seen a future in. That forever love I never thought existed.
"I'm scared," I admit. I'm scared of being naive. Allowing my heart, who wants to mend so badly, to just blanket the damage. I shake my head, the tears starting all over. I'm so damn scared. It's not until my sobs soften and my breathing levels out that the stress of the day, the alcohol, and Lisa Manoban's confession catch up to me and I fall asleep in her arms.
..
..
Three months later
First loves are always messy. Remembering that boy in high school that you swore you were going to marry and live happily ever after with. And just like a rug being swept out from under your feet, you find yourself dying of heartache because he broke up with you. You know, that first true love you planned every single detail of your wedding day and the seven kids you already named? But then one day, he breaks up with you over text because college is coming up and long distance isn't in his plan. You cry and cry, asking how he could have done this to you. How you two were so madly in love. And he just… he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. You wonder how that's possible. How love is something that just turned off for him while you find yourself drowning in a sea of heartbreak and desolation. And from this moment on you swear never to love again. It hurts too much.
I woke up that morning before the sun peaked through the shades, and when Lisa got up and used the bathroom, I left. I took the coward way out and chose not to see us through. I didn't even give her the chance to say goodbye. After everything she confessed, I still ran away from facing the truth, more heartache, love, and possibly my only happily ever after.
My simple world was collapsing around me ever since Lisa Manoban fell into my life. I was struggling to recognize the person I was becoming. My once stiff backbone on love had weakened. I'd become soft. And weaknesses caused consequences. Life wasn't so simple anymore. It wasn't so easy allowing life to roll off my shoulders with no care.
I couldn't see past what was already done. Maybe I just didn't want to. I was being selfish. So, I made a decision for both of us that morning when I walked out. The last time I would have contact with her.
I came home and broke. If I didn't think I was broken before, this time I was shattered. My world had literally crumbled around me. I knew in time I would regrow the walls I allowed Lisa to break down. I also knew I needed to put them up even stronger than before. But I had to leave. If it wasn't that morning, it would have been one day. This way I called the shots. She thought she loved me, but she was wrong. I chose to walk before she realized the mistake she made and crushed me all over again.
One day she would realize.
And I wouldn't be anyone's mistake. I wanted to be their forever. And I'm not sure that was ever in the cards. I know it wouldn't have been with Lisa. So, I made the choice for both of us.
Little did I know, walking away that day wasn't even the hardest part. It's the memories, the struggle, the pain I feel day and night at my decision. How many times I broke down and almost called her, begging her to forgive me. To take me back if she'd have me. Confess what my heart should have long ago, that it was beating just for her. And without her, I was struggling to breathe.
It took the masochistic side of me, which will never fully allow myself to be happy, to convince myself this is how it had to be. And so, I suffered through the sobs. The guilt. The regret. And the pain. I told myself it would lessen. I would move on. And each day it did. I stopped getting sick from crying so hard. I stopped searching for signs that would lead me back to her. I stopped watching those sports channels hoping to get a glimpse.
I disconnected my phone on the third day I got home. Lisa didn't give up on us like I did. She fought. My phone never stopped ringing. The messages, the voicemails. They continued for days until I called and cancelled my service. Worried she would show up at my apartment, I camped out at Randy's for almost a month. I couldn't avoid work, but with the effort she was making to talk to me, it was inevitable she would sooner or later show up at the bar. I just prayed I wouldn't be there.
It was five weeks after my devastating decision when she walked into Anchor.
I'm filling up a round of drafts, my mind in a fog. I beg for the night to end, because it's so tiring pretending that I'm this person I'm not. Happy. I'm not happy. God, I can't even remember the last time that word meant something to me.
The entrance to the bar opens, the wind bringing in a cold chill. I welcome it as it makes me feel somewhat alive, knowing I can still feel something. I don't pay attention otherwise and continue filling the glasses. It's when I feel Randy's hand on me that I snap out of my daze.
"Unless this is what you've been waiting for, I suggest you go hide in the office."
Confused, I read the look in her eyes and turn to the door. A part of me doesn't need to see Lisa to know it's her. She's always had that pull over me. I watch Lisa brush off the cold from her jacket as she looks around at her environment. The bar is wild as always. A live band playing in the back while patrons overconsume.
My heart stops at the sight of her as her vision looks around getting closer to making contact with mine. It's mere seconds. Three, two, and I'm gone. I don't wait for her to see me. I can't. The time that's passed does nothing for my healing process. My heart beats so fast I fear the result if I don't give it what it wants. I stand in the doorway of the back office as I watch her scan the bar. She notices Randy and then DK. She stops as her eyes land at the far end of the bar. Disappointment shines in her vision when she doesn't find what she's looking for.
Go to her, Jennie. Stop this nonsense.
My heart pushes me to go to her. But my feet won't move. They know better. They know that life isn't about allowing my silly heart to run the show.
I watch her make her way to the bar and flag down Randy. I fight to read what she's saying. It's when Randy makes the mistake of glancing toward the office that I know. She's asking if I'm here. I back myself farther into the corner so she can't see me. I know Randy will tell her I'm not here. She knows if I want to be noticed I would be.
"Listen, I just want to talk to her, please. I'm not here to start trouble."
"That's great, babe, but she's not here."
I watch her look back toward where Randy accidentally glanced.
"And for some reason I feel like you're lying to me. Please." Lisa won't take her eyes from the corner. I swear she cannot see me, but then again. That pull between us. She knows.
"Well, I don't know what to tell ya, but she isn't here."
"Jennie, please!" she yells above the crowd.
"Yeah, buddy. No need to do that. I can tell her you stopped by." Randy tries to block her from staring at the back door. She attempts to stand in her line of vision, but Lisa sidesteps her.
She raises her voice. "Tell her that I love her."
I swipe at the tear falling down my face as I watch Randy's mouth open slightly. "Yeah… um—"
Lisa cuts her off. "I know she's here. I can't leave without seeing her. Talk to her. Jennie! Please. Let me just hear your voice."
Randy gasps at her statement as I choke on a sudden sob.
"Lisa, I would love to help you out, but if she wanted to see—"
"You heard her. She ain't here." DK comes out of nowhere, looking like the predator he is. He stands next to Randy, overpowering her and blocking any view of the back.
Lisa puts her hands up. "Listen, man, I'm not here to cause trouble. I just want to talk to my girl."
"Oh, shit," Randy cusses under her breath.
DK clenches his jaw, pressing his closed fists onto the bar. The condition DK saw me in when I came into work tonight causes him to want to murder someone. Mainly Lisa. I fought it off claiming it was the flu, possibly Cryptococcal meningitis, but he knows better. He uses social media about as much as I do, but he does listen to chatter. And the bar is full of it. It's been impossible to deny every single rumor, story, speculation about why I dropped out of the signing, again.
"First off, she ain't your girl. She wouldn't be dumb enough to fall for your type."
Little does DK know.
Lisa's defenses go up immediately, taking a challenging step closer to the bar. "Oh, yeah? 'Cause you're her type? I'm pretty sure she deserves more than just being sex to someone."
Oh fuck. Why did I ever mention DK to her? I can't see DK's expression with his back to me, but the way Randy stiffens tells me it's scary. My heart takes another hit, knowing that's gonna hurt DK. Not that it wasn't true, but, well, we all know, truth hurts sometimes.
"Listen, I'm not here for you. Just let me talk to her."
"Not a fucking chance. Fuck outta my bar."
I'm silently begging Lisa to just leave. I've seen the damage DK can do when he's worked up.
"I'm not leaving until I speak to her. Jennie!" She starts moving down the bar.
I panic, afraid she'll see me, and cower farther into the corner. Once again DK blocks her.
"I ain't askin' again."
"Then do your worst. I'm not leaving. Jennie!" She darts to the end of the bar just as I throw myself behind the door to the office. "Jennie, please. I love you, please talk to me. Please don't do this."
There's so much anguish in her voice. I can see her reflection and she looks just as bad as she sounds. Her hair is a mess. She's not her normal put together self.
"Jennie, I know I hurt you. I know I lied, but I never lied about how much I love you. How much you've changed my life. I want you to know I get it. The whole love broken thing. For so long, I thought I knew what love was. The fulfillment of just having someone sleeping in your bed and the meaningless chatter. But I get it now. It's all bullshit. Because love is something you feel so deep it's not about those superficial things. It's about how my heart swells when I think about you. How my chest hurts whenever I can't be near you. Listen to the sounds you make when you sleep. When I can't be the reason why love isn't broken for you anymore.
"And to know I broke what I was helping mend. I'm a fucking mess. I hate myself. And I just wanna fix it." She stops to inhale much needed air. She throws her hands into her unruly hair and continues. "I need you to know I get it. I get why Nini needed to prove why it wasn't about the outside bullshit that makes love work. I lied. Nini's number one rule on why love is broken. I wanted to prove to you I'd never hurt you. And I did just that.
"I deserve all the anger, all the hate you have for me. And I'll gladly accept it. If it just meant I'd get to see you. Hear your voice. Be near you. Please. I'll take anything."
Her last words break the final string that was holding me together. I shut the door to the office and ball my eyes out. The loudness of the music and bar chatter doesn't lessen the sounds of Lisa yelling my name and commotion as DK throws Lisa out of his bar.
I never asked if he hurt her. I didn't want to know. I think everyone was hurting in their own way after that night. DK wouldn't even look at me after. And I couldn't blame him. I should have never shared our personal relationship with Lisa. I could tell he was hurt. I lessened what we had by Lisa's comment. And not that she wasn't telling the truth, but we had more than just the bedroom. It wasn't the emotional kind like I shared with Lisa. It wasn't filled with words and late-night talks, meaning, and long-term commitment. But it was unique. In its own way there was a sort of love there. Just not the kind we both needed or deserved.
I didn't know how to fix it, so I didn't. I ran away from it once again. I left that night, leaving a note on DK's desk, quitting. I wasn't the fun, easygoing bartender anymore everyone loved to spill their beans to while drinking booze. I was angry and doubtful of everything and everyone. I wasn't easy to be around, and it affected work. My friendships. Well, the three I had.
Randy did her best to stay happy for both of us, but that gets tiring after a while. She got tired of it and ended up giving me the 'shape up or ship out' speech, and as the quitter I've become, I shipped out.
I don't know why I couldn't just bring myself to forgive Lisa that night. She had a reason, and after listening, I understood why she did it. But that stubborn side of me told me to walk away. In the end, it wouldn't change things. I thought that by hearing her out, I would feel some sort of closure. Giving myself the ability to walk away easier. But that door was open wider than it was before. And let me tell you, it's so fucking cold out, I fear my heart freezing to death.
Lisa left that night, and I haven't heard from her since. She may have tried to reach me, but I wouldn't know. I came home that night and packed my things. Stuff that meant something to me, which wasn't much, and I grabbed Gerdie, a rental car, and left. Where I was going I had no idea. I drove for almost two days until I made it to the end of the earth. Well, it felt that way, when I landed in a small town in Blue River, Oregon. There was nothing but forest, mountains, and time. It was exactly what I was looking for. I rented a cabin in the woods and it became my solace for the next two months. I can't really say what I did the whole time. A lot of soul-searching, I guess.
I spent most of my days sitting outside on the wraparound porch thinking about my life. Where would I be if my parents were still alive? Would I have graduated college? Been in some fancy job, free of all my bad choice tattoos and possibly married with a family? Would I be happy?
I wonder how my life would have turned out if that drunk driver didn't take it upon themselves to get on the road that night and ruin so many lives. I became angry with my parents for leaving me. Taking away the life I could have had. I cried because I wished they were here to be angry with. What I wouldn't do to be able to hug my mom just one more time. Listen to her sing while cooking dinner. Hear the laughter of my father when he finished telling a horrible joke. Acceptance is a hard feeling to conquer. Accepting that this is now your life. Accepting that they were never coming back. And the biggest, accepting that life isn't fair. Because it rarely ever is.
The one thing I did do surprisingly is sit down and write. I wrote a story about a girl who thought real love wasn't out there. She fought, bashed, and rallied against it. She wanted people to stop searching for the fake version and allow the real true love that was out there in. Because when you aren't so busy fighting against it, it tends to be something really great.
This story was about a girl who learned a valuable lesson. She learned love was out there. That it was messy, and it hurt. It was fulfilling but also very much scary. But if she just took a chance at it, it could be something that created this forever world of hope. That happily ever after.
In this story, the girl finds just that. But she's scared. She spent her entire life running away from love. Or at least what she knew of it. She didn't want to be hurt the way so many people were. She wanted to be guarded and safe. Until one day her life changed. She met a girl. She was kind and funny. She was gentle with her when she needed to be and rough when she wanted her that way. She made her laugh and cry. Smile more than she ever knew possible. But most importantly she made her love.
And she loved deep. It was so deep it scared her. So much that when things got tough for them she ran. She didn't want to be fooled by a love that would hurt her. She knew her heart couldn't handle it. So, she ran away from the girl who made her feel whole. Only to make herself feel even more empty.
In due time, the pain lessened. But not enough to live. To truly live. She knew people sometimes only get one chance at love. Sometimes people go through their entire lives never being able to experience the feeling of loving someone so deeply. Being loved that way in return. And she knew. That maybe she needed to face her fears. She needed to open herself up and let the unknown in. Because that unknown could just possibly be her own happily ever after.
So, she did.
She did what she was secretly scared to death to do and face the girl who once upon a time loved her. But the fearful question was if the girl still did.
Does time heal a broken heart? Does it change what the heart truly desires? She had those thoughts suffocating her as she made her way back to that girl for answers.
Because she was ready to face her fears. She was ready to finally open herself up. She just hoped it wasn't too late.
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