J.

..

When I finally returned home, there was a gigantic pit in my stomach on what I was returning home to. I clearly didn't have a job, and I'm sure my landlord had bolted up my door, demanding past rent. I wish I could admit I made some mistakes by taking off the way I did, but I can't. It's what needed to happen. I was spiraling. And fast. I couldn't continue to live the same life I did before Lisa Manoban. Before the book. Before the unwanted fame that followed. Because that was no longer me. I needed a time-out. A life time-out. And it took me leaving to finally understand that. The time I spent at the cabin may have saved my life. Definitely my sanity. I spent it thinking about how I needed to make things right. With DK and Randy, with Jisoo, and the unbeknown anger I had toward my parents. With Lisa. But I needed to clear my head before I did that.

I wrote two letters while I was hidden deep in the mountains and mailed them from the local post office in town. First one was to DK. I started off by letting him know I was alive. Then I told him how sorry I was for up and quitting. He had been nothing but there for me since the day I stumbled into his bar, and I repaid him by leaving him high and dry. But I had to. I needed to figure out what was so wrong that I felt so cheated. I needed to fix what was so broken inside myself. And I couldn't do that staying at the bar. I loved that place. It was my second home. But as of late it wasn't that place to me anymore. But I could only blame myself for that. I tarnished that place the day I decided to publish a book.

I wrote to him how I never meant to hurt him. I know I did with Lisa's comment. I couldn't go back and take those words back. But I could explain. I told him that our relationship was more than just sex to me. It was a friendship. It was something I never had. We may not have had that love we tried to work at, but we had a different kind of love. A love that bonds us closer as friends than as lovers. I did love DK. But not like I loved Lisa. I needed him to know how much he meant to me. I just hoped he did enough to forgive me.

I ended it with telling him I would be back someday and maybe we could share a drink together. I wasn't going to ask for my job back. I didn't even know if I wanted it back. But I wanted him back in my life. If he would take me. In my PS, I asked that he hug and kiss Randy for me, and tell her I missed her. And I hoped she understood why I ditched her having to deal with Ralph and his beer foamed mustache all by herself.

My next letter was to Jisoo. I know I owed her a huge explanation. She did nothing but try and make me shine. She wanted nothing more than to bring me out into the world and show everyone how amazing she thought I was. Talented, smart, beautiful. All, of course, her thoughts. But all I did was piss on her efforts. I apologized for leaving. I know after the last one, there will be some legal issues. I'm sure she did her best to fight for me, but in the end, I did sign a contract, and I failed to complete the entire event. When I get home, that would be one of the first things I had to fix. Most likely just offer some jail time since the fines may be more than I'm worth.

I did my best to explain myself and hoped she got it. I spilled the beans and told her everything. All the thoughts and feelings I'd been festering for so many years. The sadness and anger about my parents. The heartache and struggle with Lisa. The fight to try and find a better view on life. I apologized for my actions the last night at the bar. I know she'll forgive me. She always does, but it won't ever lessen the shame of that night. I finished with thanking her for being someone who never gave up on me. Especially when I gave up on myself.

I finally pull into the parking lot of my building. The sun has gone down and it's quiet, vacant of sounds from city life and traffic. I snatch up Gerdie and make my way inside. I'm shocked when I don't see an orange eviction notice on my door. Unlocking my door and placing the cage on the counter, I set the pile of mail that was overflowing in my mailbox on my small kitchen table.

Being back home feels strange, but good. I missed my shoebox of an apartment, the taste of real coffee and cable. You don't get to watch much TV in the boonies. Being home also reminds me of why I chose to come back. The anxiety of what I'm going to do never lessens. I've gone through every scenario over and over on what I'm going to say once I call her. What she may say in return, but it never gets easier.

I'm going to call her. I'm ready to open up. Give us a real shot. But I have to be prepared that she's moved on. She may resent me in all this, and my time may have passed. And I have to be prepared. She may not want to talk to me. It will bring up the past and the lying and it will hurt all over again, stirring up the exact reason why I spiraled out of control to begin with. But I need to try. To know if we still have a fighting chance. She will take me back or she won't. I'm just praying it's not the second option.

I picked up a pay as you go phone on my way back into town since I cancelled mine, along with bashed it to pieces. I plug it in to charge while I settle in, making Gerdie at home and getting him fed. I pass by the phone a few times while I unpack, the anxiety about what I'm about to do growing.

"Maybe I should have a drink," I suggest to myself to cool my nerves. I take a glance at the top of my fridge at my collection of hard liquor. I haven't had a drink since I left. I realized that the heavy drinking I was doing to help mask the pain was a huge part of my problem. Deciding no against drinking, I go and take a shower.

Two hours go by and I've done everything from paint my nails to clean out the fridge. I know I'm stalling. "Oh, just do it, you pussy," I talk shit to myself. I grab the small piece of paper off my dresser, snatch the phone, and plop myself down on the couch.

"Breathe, Jennie."

I notice my hand is shaking when I lift the piece of paper to dial the numbers. My heart is racing, and I feel on the verge of having a heart attack. Four numbers punched in, six numbers. Come on. So close. On the seventh number, I hold my breath and squeeze my eyes shut. The call connects, followed by a beeping noise. "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again…" Again with the beeping with the repeated number. I hang up.

I double-check to make sure I dialed the right number. I did. My nerves shift to disappointment. I definitely didn't factor in this road block. I move down the list to what's written as house phone. With another long intake of breath, I dial.

"The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again…"

Dammit!

My mood plummets when I make it to the last number, which is working, but ends up being a local taco joint that, from what I learn, is Lisa's favorite spot for tacos. Per Jose, the owner, Lisa spent a lot of time there when she wasn't traveling since she wasn't much of a cook. Unfortunately, he hadn't seen or heard from her in over a month.

I thank the nice man for the information, along with the discount if I ever come and visit and disconnect. "It's too late," I whisper as I stare at the piece of paper that holds every single number to reach Lisa, which are all disconnected.

"Fuck. It's too late," I repeat almost in shock. I didn't expect this when plotting out all scenarios. All led to us at least talking. I didn't think… think… "Fuck!" I cry, ripping up the list and throwing it.

I get up, kicking my coffee table, fighting back the tears. "She just changes all her numbers?" I mean, what the hell? I swipe away at the wetness that's escaped the barriers of my lids. This, she's… I'm utterly confused. She wouldn't have changed all her numbers because of me. Would she? Did I mess up that bad? I begin to cry. I can't stop it. I finally saw clarity and know what I want, and now it's too late. She's given up. I fall onto my bed and cry. For being so stubborn. For being too afraid to follow my heart. For mostly not letting Lisa in.

I cry until I've worn myself thin and expel all energy left in me. When I hear Gerdie chirping, knowing it's snack time, I pull myself up and out of bed, knowing I need to man up. Move on and accept what is. I can only blame myself for the outcome. But blaming myself doesn't solve the pain that resides where forgiveness and new comings were to be filled.

I find myself in my kitchen making a packet of hot chocolate. It's that or the tequila, and I want to wallow in my self-pity without getting loaded and vandalizing my neighborhood. I can only assume that's where it would lead to at this stage. I grab my mail and hot mug and snuggle into my couch.

Flipping through my mail, I go to my DVR and press recorded shows. If I can't indulge on my first guilty pleasure, which is vodka, it's going to be Catfish on MTV. Junk, junk, junk… God the amount of paper wasted on people trying to sell me mortgages or loans. Hello, I'm poor and I rent. "Environmental killers," I mumble and toss the mail to the ground. Flipping through more, I see the late notice from my landlord, along with bills and more bills. "God, even my mail is depressing." I take the rest of the pile and toss it on the coffee table. As they scatter across the wooden surface an envelope stands out.

Leaning forward, I push everything aside and grab for it. As I flip it over, I notice it has my name on it. The return address is labeled the NHL Corporate Center. "What the…" Setting down my mug, I slide my finger through the tiny open slot and tear the envelope open. Inside is an event ticket, nothing more. Further investigating, I realize it's to a hockey game. My eyes lock on the details, the Cleveland Barons against Chicago Blackhawks. Who sent this? I turn the envelope over again, but there's no further information. My address is even typed, taking away the detective work of whose handwriting it could be. Not that I know anyone's handwriting. I read the ticket again, the date of the game being… "Today?" I look at the small clock hanging above my television then back at the ticket. "Shit." The game started two hours ago. "Shit!"

Shit, shit, shit… What do I do? My heart is starting to pound. The ticket is shaking in my hand. I'm not sure what the ticket means. Did Lisa send it? Who else would, dummy? "I don't know!" I start arguing with myself. I'm up and pacing my small apartment. I glance at the clock every two seconds, wondering what to do. The game is almost over. If she sent it, she probably already thinks I'm not coming. What if she sent it so you can come and see her and her new girlfriend because she hates you now? Oh God. That's probably true. I look back at the time with every second I use to think, tormenting me.

"If I left, I could still make the last quarter." I calculate how much time it would take me to get down to the Sports Center where the game is being held, minus downtown traffic and time to fix myself, because I look absolutely horrible, which is, "Not a lot. Oh, God!" I run to my room and practically dive into my closet.

..

..

I hate Cleveland traffic. I hope it all dies a horrible death of its own traffic hell. I curse this in my head while I run into the Center, after having to park so far away, I could have just parked at home. Traffic was horrendous and parking even worse. By the time I get into the Sports Center, the game is letting out.

"No…" I whine, fighting through the crowd. I'm like a fish trying to swim against the current, pushing through people to make it inside the arena part to the section stated on my ticket. Running up the stairs to the first level terrace, I overlook the rows and rows of empty seating below. Even the rink is absent of players.

"I'm too late," I whisper at the bare ice rink. I bring my eyes to the empty seat reserved for me. It sits below, just in front of the glass. She would have known if I showed or didn't. She'll think I didn't care. All this time and she still tried.

"Looking for someone?"

I turn, bumping into a young woman, about the same age as myself, standing behind me. "Oh, no. Well, I was. But I'm too late." Wiping a tear from my cheek, I offer her a sad smile, but fall short at hiding my emotions as another tear falls.

"Sorry to hear that." She digs in her purse, handing me a Kleenex. I silently thank her as I dry my cheeks. "Not to pry, but why do you think it's too late?" she asks, her smile so inviting. Familiar almost.

I shrug, trying to keep it together. "Because I took too long to decide. Fought too long with myself before realizing something I should have a long time ago. And now it's too late. I'm late, and she's gone." More tears. More sucking air into my suffocating lungs. "I've missed my chance, and now I… I…" I trail off because the tears become a constant flow down my face. I must look like a fool to this stranger.

She takes a step toward me, placing her comforting hand on my shoulder. "You know, my sister's in the same predicament. Feels she was too late too. Said she lost the love of her life. Missed her chance to be happy because she was scared. Maybe you two should talk sometime. You might have a lot in common."

I open my eyes and look at her. Really look. It's why her smile felt so inviting. Because it was familiar. "Wait… Are you—"

"I see you've met my sister." I whip around to see Lisa standing at the bottom of the aisle, her back leaning against the arena glass. She's freshly showered and wearing a pair of form-fitting jeans and a Cleveland Barons hoodie.

"I thought… I…" She's got my tongue. I can't finish my sentence because my throat begins to lock. My eyes take her in. Her beautiful face. Those eyes I've gotten lost in so many times. Her hair is longer than the last time I saw her. "I…"

"I'm gonna leave you two alone. Lisa, I'll meet you back at the hotel. Call me if you need a dinner date."

Lisa nods to her sister, as she offers me a kind wave, and she's gone.

"I didn't think you'd come."

I turn back to Lisa, who hasn't moved off the glass. "I didn't technically." Ugh. No time for jokes. "Sorry, I can't help it. I'm super nervous." I can't stop fiddling with my hands.

She's made no move to come to me, and her normal easygoing smile is missing. A rush of anxiety hits me suddenly, fearing the worst.

Finally, Lisa makes her move, pushing off the glass and walking toward me, but stops at the first step, looking up at me. "And why are you nervous?"

Ten long steps separate us. "I'm not sure. I guess, just…"

"Is it because you left the hotel that morning without a word? Without giving me at least a goodbye?" As much as I deserved that, it doesn't hurt any less hearing it. "Or all the times I tried to talk to you, fight for you and nothing."

I don't know how to respond. I know she's referring to the night at the Anchor. And she has a right to be mad.

"Or how about just knowing that you gave up on us without a second thought while I kept fighting."

My lower lip begins to tremble, my eyes filling with more tears, and still she makes no move to come to me. Missing is the normal Lisa, who would scoop me into her arms and comfort me until I felt safe. Loved. That Lisa is nowhere to be found. The one I see before me looks wounded. Angry maybe. Her facial expression has me worried that she may return the favor and not listen to what I have to say. Fear that this is where I make my intentions clear and she tells me it's too late.

She takes one step closer. "Well? Are you going to say anything?"

There's a static in the air, with us being so close. Nine long steps separating us. A thickness to it that makes it hard not to sense the heavy emotions we're both giving off. I inhale a deep breath for strength and begin. "I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye that night. It was wrong of me. I made a decision for both of us. I didn't give you a chance."

She slowly nods. "You did."

God, she isn't making this easy. "I was selfish. I did it because I was only thinking of me. I never thought of you and what you were going through."

"Jennie—"

"No, please listen, before you tell me to beat it." I take a second to rein in my emotions. It's taken a lot of time to be able to come to terms with everything. With myself. With being able to let go. I just needed to realize that sometimes in life, people make bad choices, but with good intentions. We can't all live life being these flawless human beings. And I know now if that's what I expected out of people, then I would forever be alone in a world surrounded by my own flaws. "I can't excuse what you did. And I can't even say that looking at you now, I still don't feel the hurt and betrayal. Because it will always hurt. But that night. There's something I never told you. I never told you that I forgave you. But I did."

She's still not budging. I know I'm losing her. The realization is slowly sinking in, my fears becoming reality.

I start to fully cry. "I was so scared to hear what you had to say that night I think I told myself that no matter what, it wouldn't have changed things. I just didn't think it mattered anymore. There was no way we would work out, and it was best I walked away from more pain that I knew I wouldn't be able to handle."

"Jennie."

Again, my name falls off her lips, causing my heart to beat uncontrollably, not knowing if I've fucked this all up. I probably look super pathetic right now, but I can't stop the words from pouring out.

"I've missed you. And I'm sorry." Having her in front of me only makes my heart ache more with the need for her. How do I express in words just how badly I've messed up? How do I use the right words so she'll know just how sorry I am for not trusting in what we had, to figure us out together? I want to pretend I'm not this person who doubts and doubts. I don't want to be, but I also can't just shut that person down I've been for so long. "I'm sorry," I repeat again, because I truly am. Sorry for the hurt and pain we both caused one another. "I'm sorry I doubted us. I doubted you."

The tears are a heavy flow down my cheeks as I reach into my purse, pulling out a large stack of papers. "I did something while I was away."

Seeing that I'm trying to offer them to her, she takes the stairs two at a time, until only four steps separate us. She reaches for the papers. "Oh, yeah? What's this?"

"It's a story."

"And what's this story about?"

She doesn't look at the pages. She doesn't take her eyes off mine. I know this is where I give it my all.

I suck in a deep breath for courage and begin. "It's about a girl who doubts so much in life, she doesn't know when it's time to trust. To forgive when forgiving is needed."

A few seconds pass before she asks, "And does this girl figure out how to trust and forgive?"

I answer her question with a nod. "She learns that love isn't always how she expected it to be. You see, she finds it where she least expected it. With a person, she least expected to give her the time of day."

Another round of tormenting seconds pass. "Was this boy able to show her just how perfect he thinks she is?"

God, does she ever. The tears are making it harder now to see. "It's she. And she does, but she struggles to understand why. She doesn't understand why the girl wants her. Because she doesn't have anything to offer back. She's lived such a hard life that she thought she didn't know how to love back. She ends up fighting her love, because she doesn't feel she's worthy of it. Until she fights it so much she ruins any chance of ever having it." I have to stop to catch my breath. I'm struggling to speak. "She hurts so much because of her choices. And she doesn't know how to fix it. She's scared of the unknown. Of taking a chance and being right, but even more scared of not taking that chance and being wrong."

Lisa takes a step closer. Three steps separating us. "It sounds like this girl really loves her, and she should have let the girl in and allowed her to love with everything she has."

With each hiccup, I reply, "And she really wants that, but she isn't sure if it's too late or not. She ran away from the girl. And she acted super childish and didn't step up when it was most important. She isn't sure if the girl even wants her anymore."

Another step. Two steps separating us. "So how does the story end? What does she do?"

"I'm not sure because the ending isn't written yet," I tell her.

"And why not?"

"Because I don't know how it ends yet. You see, the girl finally knew what she wanted, but she had to come back home and find this girl and ask for the girl to give her another chance at listening and forgiving. She wasn't sure how the girl would react, but she prayed the girl hadn't given up on her as she did on them."

My heart plummets as Lisa takes the thick stack of pages and drops it into the seat next to her. Her facial expression still blank. I silently beg to see a part of the Lisa I know. The kind, understanding one I fell so in love with. Right now, I fear I'm looking at a woman who's given up. She places her hands back into her pockets. I hold my breath as her mouth opens.

This is it.

"It's strange, because I feel like I've heard this story before," she starts, taking another step. One step separating us. "But you're in luck because I actually know the ending."

"You do?"

Another step closer.

"Yes, I do." She's so close I can smell the freshness of her shower. The lingering scent of her cologne. The heat of her body. "See, little does she know, that girl has been miserable without her. The girl hates herself for what she did to her and may never stop trying to fix what she broke. This girl, she never really knew herself what love was. The girl was just as naive as the rest of the world in defining it as something less than what it truly was. But one day, this girl came into her life and shaped it for her. Filled her world with light, humor, beauty. And it hit her. She was the meaning of it. She may have not understood what she was doing, but piece by piece, she was owning her heart. Until one day, she had it all." Lisa lifts her hand to brush away a strand of hair that's sticking to my wet cheek. "She was a force of nature. Just a little thing with so much love, I'm not sure she realized how much power she had over this girl. But the girl, she herself was just as scared. But their love got messy. That's when she ran away. And she had every right to."

I feel the pull in my heart at the guilt. The regret that I didn't stay and hash it out. "I'm sorry—"

"Shh… I'm not done with my story."

I can't help but nod with a small smile on my lips.

"So, this girl searched high and low for her, but she was nicely hidden. The girl was so sad that she couldn't sleep at night, even her poor dog was sad. The girl thought she was never coming home. But she swore she would never give up. Because she loved her so fiercely she knew that one day, life would bring them back together. Because this was their fairy tale. And all fairy tales have a happy ever after."

My lungs tighten as I struggle with my words. "What are you saying, Lisa?"

Lisa startles me when her hands leave my face and wrap around my waist. I'm up and in her arms in a blink, and she's sitting us down on the end seat of the stadium. "That the girl got her wish. She came home to her. And the girl told her she loved her with everything in her. That the girl would have never given up fighting for her."

I can't fight the sobs from overtaking me. I rest my face on her shoulder while I allow my emotions to overpower me.

"Shhh… Why are you crying?" she asks, bringing her fingers through my hair.

"I… I… thought… you had given up on me." I sob harder, soaking her sweatshirt.

Lisa's chest vibrates with a soft laugh. "And here I was thinking you'd given up on me." She wraps her arms around me, holding me tighter as we share a silent moment.

Lisa gently pulls my face away from her now soaked shirt, allowing our eyes to meet. She caresses my cheek. "Jennie, what do I have to do to prove to you that you and I, opposites or not, there's an unstoppable force between us? No matter how much you try and deny it, it's there. It's there constantly telling us that this, us, we're real. Everything we feel. It's real. That it's not going away." She drops her forehead to mine. "I'm sorry for what I did to us."

"So am I." I pull back so I can look straight into her eyes. "The moment you fell into my life you changed me. And I didn't want that. I didn't want change. I wanted my simple life. Simple friends, simple feelings. I was perfectly fine with the life that had been laid out for me. Then out of nowhere you showed up." I wipe the wetness from my face. "You did something to me. I probably hated you before you even gave me a reason to. You broke through the walls I had worked so hard to build. And it caused me to do the one thing I refused to ever do. I fell in love."

Lisa offers me the smile that keeps my heart beating. "What if I admitted I felt so safe with you in my arms? Content. Like I'm home? I'm home anywhere you are, Jennie. I want life to be beside you. You're my fuel. You're what's going to make me run. My life is you. I can't fix the mess I made in the beginning. But I want my love for you to help mend what pain I've caused. I want to make it right. From now until we're old, I want us. I want to be able to kiss you good night and good morning. I want to conquer your love broken motto."

I throw myself at her, that if we weren't sitting in a seat, she would go toppling over. My arms are around her neck and my lips are pressing against hers. The feeling as our lips reunite is almost unexplainable. But taking a piece of Lisa's words, it's like coming home.

We kiss until air becomes an issue that forces us to break apart. I rest my head on her shoulder while we let the silence comfort us.

"I have a confession to make," Lisa says, pressing her chin to the top of my head.

"Am I going to want to hear this?" I ask, worried, after everything we just shared, confessed.

"It depends. You see, when you went missing in action, I was running out of ways to track you down. You turned off your phone, abandoned your place, and quit your job. I ran out of places to search for you." She stops for a moment, my nerves turning into curiosity.

I pull away and need to see her eyes. "What is it, Manoban? What did you do?"

"I kinda joined your fan group."

"You what?" I gasp.

"If anyone asks, Limario is your biggest fan. One girl even called me a creepy stalker."

At that I bust out laughing. "Really, Manoban?"

"I told you. This was the inevitable. Us, you and me… and Limario."

..

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