So, guess what?
Grand Jete is officially on a posting schedule. That's right. Every Thursday, you'll be getting a new chapter. Are you excited? I am! I may slide under the wire sometimes, like right now – it's 11:30 PM central time, so… sorry East Coast, but 3 other time zones still tell me it's Thursday. =P
Thanks to all the readers – you guys are amazing. I love you I love you I love you. Thanks to Ali and snarkerella for betaing, I love you I love you I love you.
xXxXx
Don't Waste Another Day
Edward on a plane is amusing, to say the least. Bella allows him to act unafraid because she thinks this is how he copes – outside calm, internal freaking the fuck out – and if he needs to do this, she's not going to be the bitch that calls him out. Still, his flared nostrils and volume-cranked iPod are strong indicators, and she has to stifle a laugh every time his hand twitches against her thigh due to some sort of turbulence.
When the pilot finally announces they are preparing to land, Edward's weight sags. His whole body just collapses in relief, and Bella's laugh escapes her before she can smother it.
"Something funny?" he gripes.
"Oh, no… nope. Nothing funny." She turns away, fiddling with her carry on. The smirk on her face keeps growing into a smile until she can suppress it back down into a straight face.
He pokes her in the cheek. "Something is funny. Are you laughing at me?"
She slides her laptop into her carry on and zips it shut. "No… well, yeah. Why didn't you tell me you're afraid of flying?"
"I'm not!"
"Yeah, okay. We could have driven. It would have taken half a day, but whatever – you should have spoken up!"
He shrugs. "I'm not afraid. It just makes me nervous… plus, we watched that stupid movie last night – "
"Which one?"
"With the aliens causing all that weird shit to happen – "
"Knowing? With Nicholas Cage?"
"Yeah, that one. With the plane crash… all the burning bodies, I don't know – stop laughing!"
"I'm not. You're just… very cute." She pats his head.
"Oh yeah?" He grabs her wrist. Yanking her to him, he plants a big kiss on her lips. She's really getting into it when the plane makes a noticeable dip.
He whimpers. Whimpers.
She pulls back, laughter bursting out of her. "Just nervous, huh? Really, seriously, honestly. Next time, we can drive."
"You already had the tickets. I didn't want to make my… uh, nervousness into something that was going to inconvenience your mom before I even met her."
"Um… about that. Yeah, I didn't have the tickets already. I just kind of anticipated your argument and lied because I really wanted you to come."
He blinks at her. "You are such a bitch." But he sounds a bit impressed.
She pats his head again. This time, he lets her.
They land safely at Calgary International Airport. All their luggage is intact, and not even thirty minutes later, they're driving in the direction of Banff in the rented Chevy Trailblazer her mom secured for them.
Snow is falling lightly against the windshield, and Christmas music is playing out of the radio. It's a peaceful moment, and Bella's smile isn't due to mirth – it's complete and total contentment.
It's about an hour and a half drive to Banff from Calgary International, but it's a gorgeous ride. Snowcapped mountains and rolling hills line the TransCanada Highway.
"Look," Bella whispers at one point. "See that slide looking thing off in the distance?"
Edward tears his eyes away from the road. "Yeah. That's awesome."
"The 1988 Winter Olympics were in Calgary… isn't that cool?"
He smiles at her. "Pretty cool, ma'am. Have you been here before?"
Bella nods. "A few times. Mom and Phil have a house here, and they love to come at Christmas. Mom says she's pretty sure the downtown area of Banff is actually the North Pole."
He taps the wheel with his thumbs. "Bella, I… I'm really glad to be here. I don't think I've said thanks, and you've had to drag me kicking and screaming. And I guess that's really dumb because I would be ridiculously depressed back at your – "
"Our," she corrects.
"Our," he says awkwardly, "apartment, alone. I mean… I guess I would go see my sister, but she has a kid, and she's planning her wedding… and we're not really speaking. She's really mad at me for moving out."
She has a lot to say on that subject, but she doesn't want to ruin his expression of gratitude with a lecture. "It wouldn't be the same without you here… which is cheesy, but it's true. The whole time, I wouldn't be enjoying the season and all the blessings surrounding it. I'd be wishing I was with you, and hoping that you were warm and safe. Here, I can make sure you eat and sleep and… well. I'm just glad you're here, too."
The rest of their drive is mostly silent, but Edward keeps his thumbs moving against her knuckles. They pull up to the house, and he lets out a huge breath.
The house is beautiful – a two-story cabin-like home, with snow on the roof and Christmas lights strung around everything standing still. The door opens suddenly, and Bella's mother runs out, nearly falling in the ice.
"Oh, Mom," Bella laughs, going to open the car door.
Edward is still. "What if she hates me?"
"Renee doesn't hate anyone. She'll love you. Come on. I'm sure Tanya will have a meal on the table for us. Aren't you hungry?"
"Who's Tanya?"
"Um… Phil and Mom's live-in maid, cook and… well, she does everything domestic that my mom can't. She's like everyone's favorite aunt, okay?"
"Okay."
"Edward. This is going to be great. You're not going to want to leave."
He nods, and then climbs out of the car slowly. She worries about him tripping on ice, but she's been trying to convince herself lately that he isn't fragile. The everyday workout of cleaning up Esme's mess at the studio has given him stamina, and he's not a toddler. He knows his own limitations… kind of. And she knows he doesn't want to appear fragile in front of her family, but –
Her thoughts are cut off by her exuberant mother grabbing her in an icy hug. "Oh, Bella, Bella!" She rocks Bella back and forth in her arms, pressing her mouth against Bella's hair. "I missed you so much, my girl."
Tears creep up behind Bella's eyelids. She had missed her mom, too – and just like a lot of things in life, she didn't realize exactly how much until just this moment.
Edward is standing awkwardly behind Renee, his hands shoved in his pockets. He has a half-smile on his face, and she wonders what he's thinking, and if he's missing his own family.
"Mom," Bella says, pulling back. "I want you to meet Edward."
Renee turns on a dime. "You are the most handsome – Bella, look at him. He's so handsome."
"Yes, he is." Bella starts grabbing bags out of the car, watching Edward hold out his hand.
"It's so nice to meet you, Mrs. Dwyer."
"Edward, if we're going to get along, you're going to need to lose the stick up your ass."
Bella laughs loudly, hoping the sound is muffled by the car between them.
"It's Renee, and I don't shake hands. I hug. Now come over here." She grabs Edward into a huge hug. "It's so good to finally meet you."
Bella watches Edward's reaction to the hug. He looks shocked, and then his eyes close, and he seems to take in a big breath. It's like… all mothers seem to just smell like moms, whether it be their perfume, makeup, or a special type of enzyme they all secrete. But nothing is more comforting than the smell of a mom when she's got you wrapped up in her arms, even if she isn't your own.
"Edward, come help me," Bella calls after Renee releases him with a pat on the cheek. "No, Mom – you go back inside. No, we don't need Tanya's help! It's freezing out here."
As Edward grabs a couple bags from Bella's hands, she can't help but whisper a smug, "told you."
xXxXx
Phil and Edward hit it off immediately. Fifteen minutes into dinner, Bella and her mom are rolling their eyes at each other. They both love baseball and share a strong distaste for the Washington Nationals, who won the World Series this past October. Edward grew up in Chicago, and he's a huge White Sox fan. Phil is from Arizona, so he's all over the Diamondbacks.
"The ump was so biased. It pissed me off," Edward rants, taking a huge bite of Tanya's homemade mac-n-cheese. "Did you see that one steal, where he took off from the bag before the pitcher even released the ball? Made me fu- um, really sick. Just… disgusting."
Phil is in total agreement, so Bella turns to her mom. "So, what did you have planned for us to do?"
Her mom shrugs, taking a sip of her wine. "I thought we'd play it by ear, day-to-day. Shopping on Banff Avenue, maybe go see the glaciers in Jasper Park. Um, on Christmas, we're going to Norquay, as usual. Maybe go back to Calgary and see some sites there, has Edward ever been?"
Bella shakes her head. "No, he hasn't. I was thinking of us going into the city one day, checking out Glenbow museum, eating dinner at Calgary Tower – "
"Oh, definitely," her mom agrees. "I was thinking we could all go to the Banff Springs Hotel for a night, just because it's so beautiful. Maybe the twenty-third?"
Bella sips her own wine, nodding. "I want him to have good experience. I've seen it all before, but…"
"Yeah," says Renee. "It's a whole different experience, watching it through someone else's eyes. How's Esme, by the way? I talked to her yesterday, and she was crowing about how she's going to miss you and Edward."
"She's good," Bella answers, smiling. "Crazy as ever. Edward works for her, too, now."
"Dance instructor?" Renee questions, surprised. "Edward, I didn't know you could dance."
"I can't," laughs Edward. "I'm a glorified janitor. I needed a job… and well, she's more than generous with how much she pays me."
Renee nods. "We all have to start somewhere, yeah? Bella used to eat Ramen for dinner every night… and well, you know how she lives now."
"Like a little princess," Edward agrees.
"Okay, okay… this is not rag on Bella time." She takes a big bite of her salad. "And don't worry, Edward… I can teach you how to dance."
"Oh yeah?" asks Edward, skeptical.
"Oh yeah," Bella says, smugly. "It's all in the leading."
xXxXx
Edward is completely shocked to learn that they're sharing a bedroom.
"We're adults," Bella reminds him, speaking slowly. "They're completely aware that we live together."
"Yeah, but…"
"There are two other bedrooms to choose from if it bothers you that much."
"Bella," he grouses. "Of course it doesn't bother me. I sleep so much better when you're there. You know that. It's just… it seems… improper, I guess."
"Because it's my mom's house?"
"Yeah. When Alice brought home her fiancé, they had to sleep in separate rooms. My dad wouldn't hear of it."
Bella laughs, tying her hair back. "I'm pretty sure that has more to do with Alice being his daughter. He'd probably clap you on the back."
He looks winded by this revelation. Shaking his head, he groans, "Even still…"
She unbuttons her jeans and drops them to her ankles. She steps out of them, completely aware of his eyes on her legs. She wanders over to her suitcase and pulls out her pajama bottoms.
"Well, maybe it's okay," Edward decides, a typical male reaction. He drops his own pants, and she smiles at his thin legs, covered in wiry hair.
When she comes back into the room after brushing her teeth, he's already under the covers. She scoots in, and he grabs for her, bringing her next to his body.
"Edward?"
"Mmm?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Mmm-hmmm."
"You said your dad wouldn't allow those things. What about your mom?"
He's silent for a while, running his fingers down her spine. "I have no idea where my mom is. My parents are divorced."
She's floored. "But – you never told me!"
"There's a lot I haven't told you."
She's weary. "Yeah. I'm starting to see that. Sometimes, I swear I know you so well – that I can read your every thought. But then I realize I don't know a thing about who you were, just who you are."
"Who I was and who I am have no bearing on each other."
"That's such bullshit. Who you are depends on who you were. You can't just forget the past – because if you do, you're doing it for a reason, and so who you were still relies on who you are."
"I was a healthy white boy from a wealthy part of Chicago. Now I'm a sick white boy who has to live with his girlfriend so he doesn't freeze to death. Happy?"
"Do you really think sarcasm is getting us anywhere?"
"That's not sarcasm. It's all true."
"As is most sarcasm. Stop it. It's not fair. If you don't want me to know you, after all these months, what am I supposed to do? The mysterious thing was kind of sexy for a while, but now it's just annoying."
He rolls onto his back, detaching himself from her. "What do you want to know? My mom left my dad when I was fifteen, to chase the drug dealer she loved so much. We had no idea – my dad included – that she was using again, and… you know, doing her drug dealer because my dad couldn't trust her with money, so she had nothing to sell but her plastic surgery'd up body… just, stop it, Bella. It's – I don't want to think about it anymore."
"Please," she whispers, running her hands over his shoulders.
"When I got sick, she never came to the hospital. Not that I – I mean, I don't want to sound like, oh I'm so pitiful. But – I mean, my own mom. I was dying, and she… whatever. After I got better, my dad refused to put me back in school. He and I got in this huge fight, and I left one night, even though I was still in the middle of my outpatient treatments. I just hopped a plane and showed up at Alice's doorstep." He rubs at his eyes. "My dad transferred all of my paperwork to Seattle so I could continue my outpatient treatment at the hospital there. I lived in Alice's apartment at that time. As soon as my treatments were done, I moved out, into the apartment you saw. And that's the story."
She deflects the subject a bit, because his posture is like ice. She can tell he's done talking about that, at least for now. "Do you have any siblings besides Alice?"
"A younger brother, Emmett. He's the opposite of me in every way."
"Yeah?" She smiles, resting her head on his chest.
He shifts and wraps an arm around her. "Yeah. Loud, rambunctious, but oddly charming. He has no subtlety. And he's an amazing athlete. I was a bit of an… outcast, I guess. In high school. He's a senior this year, and he's the life of the school."
"An outcast, huh?" She can't imagine anyone as handsome as Edward being an outcast.
"Oh yeah. I never relate well to people my age, so I really kept to myself."
"Never?" She pinches him.
"It got better as I got older… plus, you're really hot. That makes it easier to relate to you. We're on the same level of hotness."
"You're such an idiot!" She shoves him.
He falls asleep shortly after, but she's still wide awake. It's only an hour time difference, and the plane ride was relatively short, so there's no jetlag involved. Her mind is just whirling, so she gets out of bed.
She stands by the window, watching the snow fall on the sill. She can vaguely make out the dips and rises of mountains in the distance, and she hangs onto the curtain, suddenly overwhelmed. Is this what it means to live in the moment? To not be thinking of the next minute, hour, day, year, and to just be happy to be standing there, alive, with someone you care about and might love snoring softly in the background?
She realizes that she's been living like her next second is guaranteed. She's not in a car or a plane or walking through traffic, so it's likely she'll live to see the next minute, but the thought suddenly frightens her. What if, while she and Edward are driving somewhere tomorrow, completely ignorant of their imminent deaths around the bend, they swerve to miss a deer and end their lives? What if he goes out with Phil to get some milk and never comes back? What if –
What if she stops thinking about what if's and makes them into right now's? She turns from the window and watches Edward's chest rise and fall. Then she moves into action. Going over to Edward's suitcase, she rummages through it until she finds a box. She opens this box, grabs out what she needs, and throws it on the nightstand next to his side.
Then she straddles him.
He wakes up. He barely gets out a 'what the fu-' before she's kissing him. She wraps her arms around his neck, and his hands find purchase on her hips. She grinds down into him, and he hisses against her throat.
"What are you doing?" he asks breathlessly.
"Living in the moment," she answers.
"What… what's this moment we're living in?" He watches her strip off her shirt, dazed.
"Sex."
"Sex? Bella, we can't without - "
She throws the condom she got out of his bag in his general direction. "Edward, I want you. I've wanted you for ages. What if you die tomorrow and I never – "
"I'm not sick anymore," he protests, but wiggles out of his pajama bottoms.
"I don't mean like that, I mean like – in a freak accident, or a brain aneurysm, something no one can see coming, and I never got to – we never got to – "
"If you're telling me that one of your biggest life regrets, if I die, is not being able to fuck me, I might marry you."
"Later. First, let's just…"
He rolls her onto her back, pulling her pajama pants off of her legs. He peels off her underwear and finds her with his fingers, kissing her wildly, hotly, with more breath than lips. She wraps her arms around his back and moves her hips in time to his circles, and soon she's arching off the bed, shuddering against his chest.
They both reach for the condom, knocking their heads together as they do so. They laugh, and he fumbles with the thing, trying to figure out which side is the 'roll down'. He finally gets it, and she watches him as he rolls it on.
She tips her head, taking him in, balancing with his cock in one hand, and the other on her hip. He's still thin, but he's recently started working out a bit, so his muscles are easily seen without any fat as a barrier. He's… sinewy, corded, and delicious. And the thing in his hand, that he's about to stick in her, is nothing to sneeze at either.
He presses forward, and then falls on his forearms when the tip of him is easing in. She lifts her hips and wraps her legs around him. They both make a keening noise as he slides into her, his forehead against her neck. She can feel his breath on her skin, his fingers bruising her hips, and then him, all of him, inside her.
"I… uh," he whispers, shifting his hips, making her groan. "This is… going to be quick."
"That's okay," she answers, shoving her heel into his back. "Just… move."
He moves, hesitant at first, like he's getting back into something he only just remembers how to do. She reaches up her lips and kisses him, and that seems to make him stop thinking and he just…
Feels really, really good. She's liked sex in the past, loved it sometimes, but it's like – this time, her whole body is open to him, not just her lady bits. Her heart is there, and her mouth is there, and her eyes are there, all open, all watching him, waiting, as he thrusts against her, and she realizes it's not about the sex but the person, and she could have been just talking to him right now and it still would have been a worthy moment.
But really, she has just wanted him for ages, and then she realizes she's thinking and not enjoying, when he's doing enjoyable things, like pressing his thumb against her clit, timing the ticks with his thrusts, and even though she's not going to come this quickly, it feels so good.
She draws him back down to her and kisses him again. She loves kissing him like this, all connected to him, trapping his breath inside her body while the rest of him traps her.
Then he stops being about the journey and starts going towards the destination. She can feel the tensing of muscles in his back, and she whispers how good he feels, because most guys seem to like that when they're coming. He yanks back from her suddenly, and she cries out at the sudden suction, then the loss.
He jacks himself off once, twice, three times before he comes into the condom, groaning and shaking. He falls back onto his ass and sighs, his head ducked, chin against chest.
She's a bit confused by the sudden departure. "What…"
"I just – I'm nervous about coming in you, even with a condom. You know, my sperm - it... like I told you, it may not be okay. I should... go get that checked out, before anything... else," he says, panting. "Excuse me for a second."
He walks to their adjoining bathroom. She hears the toilet flush, and she stares at the ceiling, wondering if you should plan for things after all, rather than just taking them in the moment you deem them correct.
He crawls back in bed, and she doesn't move. She's kind of frozen – where's the balance, she wonders? The balance between give and take, and living day to day and seizing the moment? She thinks she was wrong in this. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready at all, but he's a man who cares about her, and she was naked, and he was going to do it once he saw her willingness.
She rolls into him. "I'm sorry," she whispers against his arm.
He's warm. He kisses her forehead, letting her know that he's thinking, but not mad. She lets him have his silence, since she didn't give him much choice in anything else.
"I'm glad you want me," he says finally, after a few minutes of trailing his fingernails down her arm. "I want you, too. That was… it was something, something really good. Like, something great for us is on the horizon. And I'm not saying that first times have to be candles and rose petals, but maybe they shouldn't be because of misguided philosophical musings."
"Yeah," she murmurs. "Still… you felt awesome."
He grins at her. "It's been a while for me. I'm glad."
"Since before you got sick."
"Yeah. I had a girlfriend back in Chicago when I got sick. Nothing serious… and she bolted when she heard the news. I can't blame her. I wouldn't want to casually date chemo-cock either."
"Chemo-cock," she snorts. "That's awful. What a skank."
"Oh yeah, total skank. Anyway, she was the last one."
"And now me," she smiles. "Sorry… I'm sorry. I really…"
"Don't be sorry. I was… I mean, I was there, too. In fact, I did all the work – "
"Shut up!"
"So you can't take all the blame. Just… let's… figure this stuff out together, okay? I'm not… really in a position where you can make sudden executive decisions like that. And well, I don't think anyone should be making executive decisions anyway. So… let's just…"
"I get it," she says. "I'm sorry – "
"Stop apologizing, Bella." He rolls her onto her back and rests his weight against her. He's got her pinned to the bed, but it's not sexual. It's just comfort. It's perfect. "I really like you… a lot. I care about you. You're beautiful, so, so beautiful. It's not like it was a chore. Things are just… different with me."
She kisses him softly, listening to the sounds their mouths make together. "Yeah… they really are," she whispers.
xXxXx
Next chapter, their adventures in Banff and Calgary… and other stuff. Have you guys been to Banff? I went a few years back – god, it's so beautiful. Like another world.
This chapter title comes from "Do You Remember" by JaySean. Yeah, I love that man.