Shouto Todoroki

Fragile rivulets of tears stained Todoroki's cheeks as he stared at the floor. He slowly swallowed the hefty lump in his throat, but he lacked the mental resolve to face Bakugou. All he could do was drown in the silence of reality and the pandemonium shrieking through his head.

I just want to die…but even that's a lie. I'm fighting so fucking hard to keep going one more day each day. I gave up before, but I recognize how much I owe Katsuki. My mind tells me to pay with my life so I can't fuck up anything else, but his genuine smile…is something worth fighting for. He can use me if he wants. Even if it's all a game, and I've been his pawn from the beginning, I still owe everything I have to him.

Why do I feel that way? He did something no one else has been able to do. As much as I detest it…he makes me want to try and keep living. I don't want anything holding me back from wanting nothing more than to die, but no one has been able to break through my defenses, my lies, and my indifference before—no less for the sake of loving me and keeping me alive.

Finally, Bakugou's chest deflated as he expelled a warm, leaden breath. "You can't fight it, huh? Then what are you doing right now? You're fighting those voices." He cupped Todoroki's chin which glistened with the trails of his tears; he lifted Todoroki's head and locked their gazes. "You still want to be alive. You still want to survive this. And you can, Shouto. Fight, dammit. Don't you dare commit suicide. But…you sure as hell better kill yourself—the you that wants to die." His earnest eyes of a steadfast vermillion were so ruthlessly delicate.

But I would rather kill the me that wants to live. "Maybe you're right," Todoroki whispered with somber words. "Maybe I do want to live. Maybe…even more than I want to die. But it doesn't matter. I've already convinced myself that—"

Bakugou shook his head and blinked heavily. "You're cold, but I burned your indifference into ashes. Your chair and your noose are gone. Now, answer the damn question you waltzed your way around."

A poignant, broken laugh shattered on the floor once Todoroki hacked it up. "I don't use either," he said in a sinister, soft sigh.

Bakugou rolled his eyes. "That's a lie, you shit liar." He held Todoroki's chin atop his thumb and forefinger. "Look. What if I told you that I'd been planning to jump off the roof of this building this month? That I've had those plans since the start of the year? That I still fight these shitty suicidal urges with drugs? I don't want to die, but I'm fucking sick of always bein' at war with myself. Thought…maybe it was a sign that I was meant to go out by my own hand." He plastered on a trembling, smug smile. "Then, I realized how much you were going through, and yet, there you fucking were—alive. Made me think: 'well, why the hell has my head been tellin' me to die when you're surviving through shit ten times worse than mine?' I'm practically healed from the past, but the urges never went away. The shittiest opponent of them all…was myself.

"I wanted to take care of you, as if that'd fix my own problems. But I started to really fucking care about you, Shouto. You're the most important person to me, dammit. I haven't been high in a while…because I figured that if you found out, it'd make you think: 'fuck it. If he's doing it, I'll do it too.' I wanted to be a perfect role model for you. Maybe my path to get there was hella self-destructive in the end, but I don't regret it at all. Don't you dare tell me I shouldn't have done this to myself for your sake. Know why? In wanting to love and open up to you, I've been able to shift that self-destructive path into one I walked along and shared with you, and in my experience, I've done something I've never done before: I kinda…learned to stop hating myself.

"I'm so fucking happy. Yer my main natural high, Shouto. Physical touch is a huge thing for me. That's why I'm always hugging you, massaging your shoulders, fiddling with your hair, you fucking name it. But that's why it hurts like hell to know the urges aren't gone. I'm the happiest I've ever been, so…why is my mind still telling me to go overdose, jump off the building, put my head through a noose… I don't get it. What am I doing wrong? The drugs helped in the moment, but they did so much more damage in the long run than I realized. Hah. Look at all the shit I just rambled on about…"

"Don't go."

"Hah?"

Todoroki straightened out his spine and spilled into Bakugou's chest with arms spread like wings. "Don't go…" he beseeched in a breathless sob. "I understand… I know what it means to truly care about someone. It took me a while to feel it, recognize it, and figure it out, but I know you care about me, and I know you love me. I didn't care about that before. All I thought about was myself. But…I'd be beyond miserable if you jumped. So, I know what you've felt towards me." He tightened his embrace around Bakugou. "I understand…how selfish I've been. How one-sided my views have been. How stubborn I've been. You were right…to break my indifference, no matter how much I still wish I could perpetually feel that way. I never would have realized any of this. I…wouldn't be here right now. I want to live… I want to die, but I also want to live."

With an iron tenacity, Bakugou curled himself around Todoroki. "Finally understand, huh?" He nuzzled his cheek against Todoroki's hair. "Yer gonna live. We're gonna live. I'm so damn close to ripping off that facade you always wear. I want to see your real face—the real you. You don't hafta isolate yourself in your own world and repress all the shit you're dealing with while denying that it's even there. So, oi… Don't go. Live. Live, goddammit…" He released a shaky breath from between his lips.

Nodding slowly, Todoroki replied, "I'll live. I'll live, Katsuki. But I want to tell you something…"