Chapter 12: The First He Had To Let Go

Bellatrix Lestrange was sent to Azkaban the day before Christmas along with her husband, her brother-in-law and Barty Crouch, Junior, after all four of them had been found guilty of torturing Frank and Alice Longbottom to insanity by means of the Cruciatus Curse and given a life sentence.

The Lestrange brothers accepted their verdict silently, but Bellatrix once more displayed her devotion to the Dark Lord: she stood tall and proud in the courtroom, proclaiming loudly that her lord would rise again, that he would come for her and reward her and her companions for their loyalty. Barty, however, did not share her conviction. He was nothing short of petrified, pleading with the judge – his father – to listen to him. But Barty Crouch, Senior, did not listen, and neither did the jury. They didn't believe the boy when he declared his innocence over and over again. And so he, too, was sent to Azkaban, despite his pleading and his mother's tears.

'Do you believe that Barty is innocent?' Dumbledore asked later the same day, peering at his Potions master over the brim of his tea cup.

Snape shrugged. 'You once pointed out that maybe the boy did not have any choice when he became a Death Eater. Maybe, he did not have one in this either.'

'You think Bellatrix forced him to come along and take part in the torture of Frank and Alice?' Dumbledore frowned. 'Why would she have done that?'

'Revenge?' Snape suggested.

'Revenge for what?'

Snape took a deep breath before he spoke again. His theory wasn't one he liked, and he wished he didn't have to divulge it.

'As grateful as we should be for Barty getting Miss McKibben out of harm's way on Halloween, I doubt it was a smart move. That night, Bellatrix must have understood that her spell had failed and that Barty was the one who had ended up infatuated, not the girl. Her very own spell had made the boy so loyal to another female that he abandoned Bellatrix in the middle of a duel. This must have been a hard blow to her ego.'

'Are you suggesting that Bellatrix took Barty along in order to punish him?' Dumbledore asked.

'Either that or she threatened him to go after his bride should he not do her bidding. Barty does not seem the type that enjoys torturing people.'

Dumbledore nodded pensively. 'Barty risked a lot for Nadezhda. Now he will pay dearly for it.'

He poured himself another cup of tea. Snape, however, declined a refill.

'How is the girl taking the news, Severus?' Dumbledore asked after a few sips. 'Bartemius Crouch sending his own son to Azkaban has been quite well covered in the Daily Prophet. I doubt she managed to miss the headlines.'

'Miss McKibben's relationship with Barty Crouch can hardly be described as a classic teenage romance,' Snape started. 'I do not even know if she cares for him at all.'

Slightly uncomfortable, Snape shifted in his seat and wished that he had not turned down that second cup of tea. Sipping on it would give him something to occupy himself with, and it would win him time. He wasn't keen on discussing Nadezhda's feelings with Dumbledore. As far as he was concerned, the girl cared far too much for Barty.

'Miss McKibben is not one to carry her emotions on her sleeve,' he finally went on. 'I doubt anyone is allowed to look behind the protective wall she had built up around herself.'

'No one except Mr Herrington, perhaps,' Dumbledore commented. 'Those two are thicker than thieves nowadays.'

They were indeed. They arrived at in the Great Hall together at mealtimes, ate together and left together. They could often be found studying in the library together or playing chess in the Slytherin common room. And more than once over the last couple of weeks, Snape had been forced to deduct points from his own House because Charles was skipping his own classes in order to accompany Nadezhda to hers. It was a sweet gesture, but totally unacceptable, of course.

'Do you think,' Dumbledore carried on, 'that Miss McKibben has confided in her friend?'

Even though he had no idea, Snape shook his head. He really wished that Nadezhda had plucked up the courage to pour her heart out to her friend, but he more than doubted it. Nadezhda McKibben was not only reserved but also very proud. Asking for help or comfort did not seem like something she would do. Just like her Head of House.

'Sooner or later she will have to talk to him,' Dumbledore pointed out. 'Once she starts putting on weight, Mr Herrington will start wondering. And seeing how close the two are, rumours about the father will spread quickly. I think many will point to Charles.'

Snape was just about to tell Dumbledore that Nadezhda was more than capable of casting a Concealment Charm that would hide her pregnancy from her peers, when he was prevented from doing so by a knock on the door. The two men turned around and came face to face with Madam Pomfrey. She looked flustered and was out of breath but managed to pull herself together the moment she laid eyes on Snape.

'Good that you are here, Severus,' she started. 'There has been a development both you and the Headmaster need to know about.'

She took a shuddering breath, and Snape could see her eyes fill with tears.

'Miss McKibben has just been to see me,' she started tentatively. 'She has asked me for the potion.'

'The potion?' Dumbledore asked, rising from his chair. 'The potion?'

The matron nodded, her jaws clenched. It was clear that she was anything but happy with Nadezhda's decision.

'She asked permission to take the phial to her dormitory, so she could take the potion in her own time. I said it was alright.' Her eyes darted towards the Head of Slytherin. 'I hope I made the right decision. She seems like a sensible girl. I trust she'll come to see me if there are any complications.'

Snape nodded quietly. Nadezhda McKibben was indeed a sensible young woman. Certainly, she would be cautious and do exactly as she had been told by the matron. He was therefore assured that Madam Pomfrey had made the right decision in giving the girl her privacy. But all of a sudden, he wasn't certain anymore if Nadezhda, in her turn, was doing the right thing.

Snape didn't sleep well that night. Whenever he drifted off to sleep, he saw a pair of emerald green eyes that were looking right at him. Sometimes, those eyes were cold and filled with accusations and disdain. Other times, they were filled with tears, fear and desperation. And Snape could not tell for the life of him if they were Lily's eyes or Nadezhda's. What he did know, however, was that they haunted him and refused him any rest.

Giving in at last, he left his bed before sunrise, dressed and headed for the grounds, not caring that a storm was raging outside and that the snow was drenching his heavy cloak. He needed to clear his mind and hoped that the icy winds would help him to do just that.

'Too many innocent people have died already,' Nadezhda had said only a fortnight ago, the night when she had argued for her keeping the baby. She had seemed so certain then that her decision was the right one. And Snape had been just as certain that it was the wrong one. But now, when the life of an unborn child was hanging on a thin thread, he wasn't that certain anymore. What did it matter if the child's father was a Death Eater? Worse people had fathered children, after all, Tobias Snape and Duncan McKibben just being two of them. Wasn't it enough that the child grew up with a mother who believed that there was still hope, that there was still some good in the world?

Whatever had made Nadezhda change her mind, Snape wondered, fighting a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. She had seemed so convinced about keeping her child only two weeks ago. She had planned it all so carefully and had seemed so strong. And now, on the very day that Barty had been sent to Azkaban, she had crumbled and given in. Had she secretly hoped that Barty would be acquitted? Had she hoped that he would go free, change his ways and take care of her and the baby? Had she really been that foolish? Did she really care that much for the boy?

Should he talk to her, Snape wondered as he made his way back to the castle, his feet cold and his hair white with snow. Should he call Nadezhda to his office and tell her that she would do just fine even without a father for her child? Did he have the right to, after having told her two weeks ago that having the baby might not be that good an idea after all? And was there even any point in talking to her now? Magical potions worked fast, and if she had taken hers right after Poppy had given it to her, the abortion might already be well under way. It might just be too late to change anything.

Twenty minutes later, Snape entered the Great Hall, his hair dry but the hem of his robes still slightly damp. He noticed immediately that something was amiss. Certainly, there were only seven Slytherin students staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, and most of them were probably enjoying a well-deserved lie-in. It was quite natural that their House table should look abandoned. But the fact that Charles Herrington was sitting there all alone, without Nadezhda, was more than alarming. Had something gone wrong with the potion, Snape wondered at once. Was the girl in the hospital wing? After all, Madam Pomfrey wasn't sitting at the staff table either.

Resisting the urge to turn around and head directly to the infirmary, Snape made a beeline for the Slytherin table instead.

'All alone for once, Mr Herrington?' he asked in a low tone. 'That is rather unusual.'

The boy choked on his pumpkin juice and coughed. 'Sir,' he brought forth. 'I … I can't … I mustn't ...'

'You mustn't what, Mr Herrington?' Snape asked quietly, his black eyes fixed on the stuttering boy in front of him.

'I … I … I'm not supposed to tell ...' Charles broke off and swallowed. Several students from other Houses as well as members of the staff were looking over to the Slytherin table now, curious about what reason Snape had to scare a member of his own House on Christmas morning.

'You will either tell me now, Mr Herrington,' Snape growled, 'or we will test my latest batch of Veritaserum on you. And Merlin knows what other secrets would be revealed in that case.'

'Naddie's gone,' Charles blurted out. 'She sneaked out last night before the curfew. She … she put me on a lookout. I … I don't know where she went. I thought she'd come back, but she hasn't … She said I mustn't tell you!'

'Foolish boy,' Snape spat, not caring that Charles was terrified of him and not giving the boy any credit for his obvious concern about his friend. He shouldn't have let her leave the castle in the first place. But then again, it would have taken a much braver man than Charles Herrington to stop Nadezhda McKibben.

It was one of the biggest searches ever conducted at Hogwarts. The whole staff was involved and so were the ghosts and elves. And when Hagrid ventured into the Forbidden Forest, even the Centaurs offered their help, even though they didn't like being employed by wizards. They knew what dangers were lurking in the shadows of the trees and would protect any innocent life that had lost its way. But they didn't find Nadezhda, and neither did anyone else. It seemed as if she had vanished into thin air.

In the evening, after almost ten hours of searching, Snape didn't take part in the Christmas feast in the Great Hall, which was held as planned. Even though he had not eaten all day, Snape wasn't hungry and doubted that he would be able to eat anything even if he forced himself. There was a knot in his stomach which he believed would prevent any food from staying down. Hence, even trying to eat might not be worth the effort. Instead, he retreated to his study, warded the door against unbidden visitors and started pacing back and forth, his frown deepening with every step he took. The question of Nadezhda's whereabouts was the only thing on his mind. He did not even think about why she had disappeared. He didn't want to think about it. And when she was found, he wouldn't question her about it either, he promised himself. He just wanted to have her back in the castle, safe and sound.

'Merry Christmas, Severus!'

The blazing flames in the grate and Lucius Malfoy's voice made Snape jump. He had not expected anyone to contact him tonight, least of all Lucius Malfoy. Certainly, the blond aristocrat had better things to do, like entertaining guests, for example. And indeed, Lucius was holding a glass of mulled wine in his hand and looked impudently merry.

'You know, Narcissa said that I would not be able to catch you, it being Christmas and all, but I knew better,' Lucius explained. 'I was convinced that you'd not be celebrating. But that scowl you're sporting … Dear Severus, this is very un-Christmassy even by your standards.'

'What do you want?' Snape growled. He had no desire whatsoever to make small talk with Lucius at the moment. And if Lucius should have the audacity to ask him to join his party, Snape would most certainly hex him.

But Lucius didn't seem to take notice of Snape's foul mood.

'I want nothing from you, in fact,' he pointed out. 'I tried the Floo in the Slytherin common room, but no one is answering there, of course. I guess they are all celebrating in the Great Hall. I'd like to talk to Nadezhda.'

'And why would that be?' Snape spat.

'I want to congratulate her,' Lucius responded, beaming broadly. 'Her manor is sold, and at a generous price. As of today, young Miss McKibben is a very rich lady.'

'As of today, young Miss McKibben is also missing.'

Lucius' jaw dropped. 'Missing? What do you mean, she's missing?'

'She left the castle last night and has not been seen since,' Snape informed him.

'Last night?' Lucius seemed confused. 'Nadezhda spent the night with us. I thought you knew that.'

Snape's eyes flashed dangerously. The last thing he needed now was to be told that he didn't have any control over his students. But luckily for the both of them, Lucius didn't make any comment of that kind.

'We signed papers last night,' Lucius went on. 'Nadezhda gave me power of attorney where the selling of her manor was concerned. And she gave me the number of her new vault at Gringotts. She left shortly after breakfast this morning. Then she wanted to check her vault. I assumed she would return to Hogwarts after that. How on earth can she go missing at Gringotts?'

Two hours later, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore were sitting in the office of the head of security at Gringotts Wizarding Bank. Lucius had made his influence felt, and within an hour after his conversation with Snape, he had had several senior members of the Gringotts staff lined up in front of him, among them the goblin who had led Nadezhda to her vault earlier that day. But said goblin was in quite a state. He remembered Miss McKibben arriving at his desk and him congratulating her on her deal. He also remembered taking her to her vault. But he did not remember opening it or doing anything else. Neither did he remember closing it again or leading Miss McKibben back to the entrance hall. And there was not a single mark of ink in the thick leather bound ledger where the goblin should have written down any kind of monetary transaction that had taken place. But vault two hundred and forty-seven had been empty when they had checked it, except for a thin parcel that was now lying on the desk of the head of security.

'Amazing,' Lucius exclaimed when Snape pointed out Miss McKibben's proficiency when it came to Memory Charms. 'Such a clever little witch.'

Clever she was, indeed. According to the goblin's log, she had arrived in at Gringotts at a quarter to twelve, half an hour after the payment for her manor had been deposited in her vault and fifteen minutes before the bank had closed for Christmas. After that, the trail had gone cold.

'She cannot be carrying all those Galleons around with her,' Lucius pointed out. 'She must have transferred them to another vault or something.'

'There are no records,' the goblin pointed out. 'I've been through all the ledgers. There has not been any deposit made that would be in accordance with the sum that was in vault two hundred and forty-seven. In fact, the only transactions made between a quarter to twelve and twelve were exchanges from Galleons to Muggle money, but those were three separate exchanges and quite independent of each other.'

'Are you quite certain of that?' Dumbledore asked.

'Yes, I am certain,' the goblin pointed out, holding up his ledger and looking insulted.

'As certain as you are of whatever happened after you've escorted Miss McKibben to her vault?' Lucius remarked snidely. He wasn't in a sour mood, but it was doubtful that it had much to do with his concern for Nadezhda. Most probably, he had expected to be paid a commission for his services, and her vault being empty now meant he wouldn't get a Knut.

While Lucius continued questioning the procedures and security protocols at Gringotts, Snape rose from his chair and moved closer to the desk, where he picked up the parcel, unnoticed by anyone. It was thin, about six inches long and very light, wrapped in simple, brown paper. There was no tag. Whatever could it contain?

With shaking hands, Snape untied the strings and opened the parcel. He found a wand, eleven inches, elder, snapped right in two. Nadezhda's wand. The ultimate proof that she had turned her back on the wizarding world for good.

A/N: I promise that I will tell you where Nadezhda has gone. I will also tell you if she had an abortion and who fathered her child. For the time being, however, Real Life demands that I take a break from fan fiction for a while. But I hope you will be patient and join me when the tale of Nadezhda McKibben and Severus Snape is continued in There Will Always Be Hope.