Harry: Well Hermione, now that there's no-one around to stop me, it's time for me to say to you that…
Hermione: I told you so.
Harry: HEY! I wanted to say that to you.
Hermione: No, as in I told you so.
Harry: About what?
Hermione: I told you Eileen Prince was connected to the Half-Blood Prince.
Harry: No, you said she WAS the Half-Blood Prince. She was just his mother.
Hermione: Still, I was half…
Harry: Half-right is not fully right. Meanwhile, I was fully right. Therefore… *deep breath* I TOLD YOU…
Ron: Hey guys, what's up?
Harry: DAMN IT RON, I was in the middle of something.
Ron: And I'm here to tell you that the funeral's about to start. There's quite a lot of people here already.
Harry: Really? How many?
Ron: Pretty much the entire magical community that has a name and isn't evil.
Harry: That's actually quite a lot of people.
Ron: Including Umbridge for some reason.
Fred: Is that so?
George: Well, we're going to go have some fun *leaves with Fred to do something*
Ginny: Oh, this should be good *follows them*
Harry: Actually, I want to see what they're up to too.
*at the funeral*
Umbridge: Can you hear that, Rufus?
Rufus: Hear what?
Umbridge: Huh, it's stopped now *continues walking, and suddenly hears something again* There it is again. Did you hear that?
Rufus: Hear what?
Umbridge: It's like…like a horse trotting… *has a sudden flashback* Oh…OH GOD THEY'RE COMING FOR ME! *runs away, followed by a pair of half-coconuts bashing together*
Fudge: Always was an odd one, that Dolores.
Rufus: Quiet, Fuck-Up.
Fudge: You know, you should probably call me by my real name when we're at a funeral, not my nickname.
Rufus: I did *hands Fudge some papers confirming that he has legally changed Fudge's name to Fuck-Up*
Fuck-Up: *looking through the papers* Well, this seems to be all in order *walks away to find a seat with Rufus*
Harry: Hey, can anyone else hear that?
Hermione: I think it's coming from the lake.
Ginny: It is *points out the mermaids singing just under the surface of the lake*
Ron: Wait, isn't their singing really horrifying when it gets above water *mermaids break the surface, sending ear-piercing screeches across the grounds*
Harry: I'm starting to think they didn't plan this funeral out very well.
*later*
Celebrant: Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today for…wait, where's the couple?
McGonagall: Sir, this is a funeral.
Celebrant: Oh…do I still get paid?
McGonagall: Why can't this place go one day without some stupid shit happening?
Ron: Hey, look. The centaurs are showing their respect for Dumbledore too.
Harry: Wait, really?
Ron: Yeah, it looks like they're doing a twenty-one-gun salute, but with arrows.
Harry: …that ain't good.
Ginny: Don't worry, they're aiming at the crowd.
Harry: As a member of the crowd, I can't say I'm a fan of this idea.
Ginny: Oh, come on, I thought you were starting to like this shit.
Harry: *as arrows start firing into the crowd and injuring/killing people* You know I haven't been taking your love potions lately, right?
Ginny: *flinching* What? *another volley of arrows hit the crowd*
Harry: Ginny, I just spent most of a year learning about a woman who did that exact thing, and ended up giving birth to the man who wants to kill me. *another volley of arrows hit the area around them* Did you really not think I'd see the signs of that?
Ginny: …I just thought…
Harry: *another volley* …that I wouldn't like the psychopath that has decided to protect me at all costs, no matter the body count?
Ginny: …yeah, that.
Harry: Well, at first that kinda bothered me. *another volley* But over time, especially these last couple of months, I've been thinking: why am I against this? *another volley* People suck. Like, a lot. There are a few good ones here and there, but sadly the word 'few' is the important part of that sentiment. *another volley* And you…you're far from the worst person out there.
Ginny: Aw, thank you *another volley*
Harry: And the fact that you're on the good side is a plus.
Ginny: WHAT?! How dare you?! *another volley*
Harry: Okay, fine, less evil side.
Ginny: WHAT?! How dare you?! *another volley*
Harry: The side that doesn't want me dead then, which I consider the better side.
Ginny: *another volley* …that I'll accept.
Harry: Plus, I need as many allies as possible to support me next year while I do what I need to do to take down Voldemort *thundercrack and another volley*
Ginny: I will happily help you hunt down his horcruxes.
Harry: Actually, I need you here at Hogwarts *another volley*
Ginny: …huh?
Harry: I have a sneaking suspicion that, *another volley* with the one person that Voldemort *thundercrack* actually fears dead, he's going to try and get people here in order to get me. *another volley* And to counter that, I need someone I can trust to be here.
Ginny: You can trust me?
Harry: I can trust you to fuck things up in spectacular ways against people who mean me harm, *another volley* and that's good enough for me.
Ginny: That I can and will do.
Harry: Great. It's going to be a long, lonely journey next year, but… *another volley*
Ron: What do you mean, lonely?
Harry: Well, I mean…
Hermione: *another volley* Did you really think we'd let you go alone?
Harry: I mean, do you really want to be travelling with me and Ron for God knows how long *another volley* hunting and destroying Hitler's soul jars?
Ginny: I'll take her place if you want.
Harry: I already told you where to be *another volley*
Ginny: Aww, you're no fun.
Hermione: Harry, no offense, but you're probably going to die out there.
Harry: *final volley* I'm aware…finally, people have stopped screaming.
Ginny: To be fair, most of them are dead.
Ron: Also, I'm not just going to let you die.
Harry: I suppose I do need a meat shield.
Hermione: And you'll need someone smart to help you find his heirlooms.
Harry: They're actually called horcruxes, and how do you know I won't be able to find them all by myself?
Hermione: Do you know where to start looking?
Harry: Not the foggiest.
Hermione: Then I'm coming to help you figure that out.
Ron: It does seem weird that Dumbledore would send you on this quest without much helpful information.
Harry: Knowing him, he's probably laughing at me from beyond the grave…oh, by the way Hermione…
Hermione: Yes?
Harry: I told you so.
Hermione: God damn it.
*meanwhile, in the afterlife*
Dumbledore: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, he is so going to fucking die.
?: Alatar?
Dumbledore: *freezing* Who said that?
?: It's me, Alatar *a wizard appears out of the mist*
Dumbledore: Oh, it's you Saruman.
Saruman: Yes Alatar. It's been a while.
Dumbledore: It's actually Albus now.
Saruman: Really? Why?
Dumbledore: Well, a while back me and Pallando figured the best way to eradicate evil would be to pick more normal names and integrate ourselves into human society.
Saruman: And how'd that go?
Dumbledore: Get this: he decided to call himself Gellert Grindelwald. Such a stupid sounding name, right?
Saruman: Oh? And Dumbledore doesn't sound a little silly to you?
Dumbledore: What are you getting at?
Saruman: Look, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to inform you that Sauron once again walks the Earth.
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know, his name's Volde…
Saruman: Ginevra.
Dumbledore: …yeah, that one makes more sense.
Saruman: And yet, you had Sauron at your little school, and did nothing about it?
Dumbledore: Eh, I made it Harry's problem.
Saruman: Are you sure that was a wise idea?
Dumbledore: Did you not see the part where Sauron was willing to do what Harry said just now? The enemy has become subservient.
Saruman: Because he intends to make more of himself with that poor boy.
Dumbledore: Eh, maybe popping out a couple of kids will calm him down a bit.
Saruman: You are really not taking how dire this threat is seriously, are you?
Dumbledore: Not really. Hey, how are you dead, by the way?
Saruman: I was…killed by…something unexpectedly powerful? Yes, that'll do.
Dumbledore: It was a regular human, wasn't it?
Saruman: That fucker Wormtongue…
Dumbledore: Wow, not even good enough to be killed by one of the cool humans. How does that even happen?
Saruman: Are you legitimately curious, or being sarcastic?
Dumbledore: Well, it'll be a while before anything interesting happens on Earth, might as well hear about this.
Saruman: Well…it all begins in a hole in the ground, where there lived a hobbit…
Author's note: And that's where I'm going to leave this one. Half-Blood Prince Abridged is done, and I'm off to expand my ever-increasing Abridged Novel Universe Series…don't abbreviate that. Thank you all for reading, and hopefully soon I'll be back with the (possibly) final instalment of Harry Potter Abridged (hey, no-one's been asking for Cursed Child or Fantastic Beasts, so I assume no-one wants them). In the meantime, I'm going to get started on The Hobbit Abridged, since that's what I decided the poll on my profile says. Until next time guys…