Cal stood at the kitchen sink, staring into the backyard. Lewis's toys, a bucket, a digger, assorted spades, rakes, other garden utensils and a paddling pool, were steadily filling up with water as the drizzle falling over the city started to get heavier. He had a cup of coffee in one hand, resting on the bench, and the other was gripping the edge of the sink tightly. It was Monday, the start of another week. A baby girl. His mind didn't seem to be able to get past those three words. He remembered the sign for a blank mind. Not that that was important. It was funny how he could remember the random ones but the ones that were important often alluded him. Like 'water' or 'bed time' or 'no, that's hot!' He had to stop and think about them so often, so consciously, he was almost afraid to sign in front of his son. He was supposed to be teaching Lewis but sometimes it felt like Cal was out of his depth. And then, what about the baby girl? Not to mention his other baby girl had just announced she was getting married! He hadn't talked to her about that yet. It was on his mind to do, he just didn't want to ring her up immediately afterward and pressure her...

"Cal?"

He turned to find Gillian giving him an expectant expression. "You ok?" She finger signed the 'o' and the 'k'. He made a fist with his right hand and nodded it up and down while also giving the verbal response. Gillian, approached, clearly disbelieving him. She slipped her arms around his waist and gave him a quick kiss. "Thinking?"

"Yep," Cal repeated. He felt a lot warmer with her so close.
"Me too."

"And?" Cal prompted, trying to read her expression. It was easy to see her freckles this close up. Sometimes he forgot they were there under her make-up and was pleasantly delighted to discover them all over again. She let him see her.

"Don't do that," Gillian admonished lightly. "If you want to talk just say."

"I'd love to talk. But I don't know what to say just yet."

Gillian watched him for a moment. She gave him another kiss. "We can talk whenever you're ready."

"Is there a time limit?"

Gillian gave him a slight smile. "No, there's never a time limit." She gave him another quick kiss and moved away again. Cal stopped her before she disappeared through the doorway. "Yeah?" She turned towards him.

Cal raised his hand in the signal for 'I love you', the 'I', the 'L' and the 'Y' all together. Gillian gave him a smile and returned it.

Cal turned back to the window. He took another mouthful of his coffee but it had gotten cold and he didn't really care for it much more. He tipped it down the drain and went back to the bedroom. Lewis was sitting on their bed with the TV remote in his hands pushing a whole wad of buttons at the same time. Gillian was across the room applying eyeliner. Cal confiscated the remote from Lewis, who looked up at him with baleful eyes, in the shape of Gillian's but the colour of Cal's. Cal aimed the remote. "Just one button," he told Lewis, holding up his finger to indicate the number. Some of the signs were really quite obvious, but he didn't want to get them wrong or make up others. Sesame Street came to life on the flat screen opposite the bed.

"Look," Cal made a 'v' with his fingers and pointed to his eyes with them and then at the TV. "Big Bird." He couldn't remember the sign for big. Or bird. Damn it.

"Are you going now?" Gillian asked through her mirror.

"Yeah," Cal responded, sitting on the edge of the mattress to put his shoes on.

Lewis crawled over the bed to lean on his shoulder. "Ohhh look Dad!" He pointed to the TV, using the 'look' sign and also 'Dad' which was keeping an open hand, palm facing outwards, and tapping the thumb against his right temple a few times.

"I can see," Cal nodded while tying his laces. He loved that Lewis was forming sentences now. Basic sentences, but still, sentences nonetheless. He was catching up.

Cal finished his shoes and leaned over to where Lewis had settled in to watch the TV again. He kissed Lewis's head. He all ready had his hearing aids on for the day. They had set the routine, it was the first thing he did when he got up. Whether they went to wake him, or he got himself out of his big boy bed and came to their room, his hearing aids went on first. Then he could change his nappy and get dressed and have breakfast. In the beginning, he had fought them. He pulled them off, threw them, screamed, hit, lashed out, had tantrums, tried eating them, tried pulling them apart, all sorts. But Cal and Gillian were a united front and eventually he'd caved. Now he almost seemed to like having them.

Cal crossed the room to kiss his wife goodbye. She would catch up with him at work. Normally she would come in after dropping Lewis off at day care. But seeing as he had been advised to stay away today, she would just come in when she was ready. Gillian pressed her lips against his, her hands on his cheeks. When he pulled back she gave him an amused little smile and used her thumbs to wipe the lipstick off his mouth. Cal studied her while she did it. She seemed ok, not overly bothered by the phone call that morning, but surely it must have been rolling around in her mind? This was the one subject she could not leave alone, and just as Cal thought maybe they had worked through it, that maybe it had been put to rest in peace, it jumped out from behind the next corner.

"See you at work," Gillian prompted.

"Yep."

PJ

Cal was very distracted for most of the day but he was lucky in that they were in one of those lulls between major cases. His mind drifted constantly to what Gillian had said that morning: a baby girl. She wanted a girl so badly. The opportunity was right there in their faces, who was Cal to deny her? What if he did? Would she hate him for it? Would she accept it if he said he didn't want to? Did he want to? He was fifty-one. Having kids this late in life was kind of taking the piss. But then, what wouldn't he do for Gillian? What wouldn't he do to make her happy? Where the hell was his line? Their line. A line. Any line.

Slowly, but surely, Cal found himself on the knife's edge of a precipice, staring down into the darkest of unknowns. He had vertigo. For the first time in a very, very, very long time, he didn't know what to do. In the afternoon, Gillian came in to say goodbye. It was time to take Lewis home for his nap. "You're a million miles away today," Gillian noted.

"Yeah," Cal agreed. "Not hard to reason why."

"No," she agreed.

"Is it on your mind?"

"Of course."

But she seemed so relaxed about it and Cal couldn't see her fighting to keep her emotions under control; maybe she was really all right. So then why was he feeling like such a mess of swirling thoughts?

"But I'll be honest," she added. "I'm trying not to worry about it until we get home and we can talk."

Cal nodded. "Definitely need to talk."

"See you at home then."

Cal agreed to that and made sure he had tidied everything up right on time so he could leave immediately later that evening. He thought about running through the building with his hands over his ears hollering out 'la, la, la, not listenin'!' as he left, so he could escape without having to view one more clip of video footage, or sign off on one more case; which would have been hilarious if not for the knot of worry under his diaphragm. Maybe on his next birthday...

Gillian was on the floor in the living room with Lewis helping to build a tower. She gave Cal a delighted smile when he came in and signed to Lewis that 'Dad was home'. Lewis turned and spotted him and raced over to hug his knees, as if he hadn't seen him in days. Cal lifted him easily to his hip. Lewis gave him a wet kiss. Cal gave him a squeeze. Such a loving little guy! They exchanged pleasantries. Cal asked about Lewis's afternoon and Gillian told him what they had gotten up to: finger painting. They had saved some to show him. They were drying on the kitchen table. Lewis had all ready had his bath, Cal could tell, because he smelt clean, a little bit like Gillian but mostly like Lewis. Cal put his son down again and pulled his shoes off, throwing them behind the couch out of the way. He sat to the right of his wife on the floor.

"Now this is impressive," he spoke of the tower. He reached for some blocks and Lewis, babbling nonsense, told Cal about it, or told Cal what he wanted to do with it next, or spoke about the architecture. Gillian reached out her right hand and gave Cal's thigh a light squeeze.

PJ

There were plenty of opportunities to talk, while they built towers that Lewis kicked over, squealing in delight; or when they made their evening meal together, or did the dishes, or after Lewis had been put to bed and they were cuddled up on the couch together. But like all the rest of their conversations, the serious ones happened in bed, when it was dark, and they were cocooned in each other's arms, cuddling, caressing, sometimes kissing, but mostly just marvelling in the sheer presence of the other. It was moments like these Cal felt worshipped, like he belonged, like no matter what he said, she would always, always forgive him; she would always, always be with him.

"Can we talk now?" Gillian spoke softly.

"Yes," Cal agreed. It was time. "I'm still not exactly sure."

"That's ok," her fingers petted his temple, her thumb rubbing his cheek lightly.

"First things first though; you need to call the agency back and tell them the circumstances have changed. I'm not Alec, and you're not a Fosta anymore."

Gillian sighed. "I know. I've been thinking about that all day. It's not exactly fair to advertise the situation falsely."

"No, but then, they should have made sure you weren't on their list of potentials anymore. That wasn't fair on their part."

"No," Gillian agreed.

And this was where Cal got stuck. He didn't know what to say next. There was a small silence. Cal was aware of Gillian's breath. It was quickly paced and she was warm, and a little damp with a nervous sweat. "You want me to sugacoat it?"

"I've never asked you to lie to me," she responded simply.

"All right then. If I could fast forward through time or glance into a crystal ball and see that this ended in happiness and bliss, then I would say 'let's go for it'. But I can't. And there's a very real chance that this won't. There are so many variables, it's mind bogglin'. How far can we push this subject again? There are too many 'what ifs'."

Well, that wasn't really explaining it either but at least it was a start. And it was certainly what was going on in his head.

"I know," Gillian said quietly. "I wonder how far I can go through this process, how far I can do down the road and be ok if I'm forced to turn around."

"Right," Cal agreed. Good, she was getting it. Because even if they met this woman she could say no. If she didn't and they took it to the next step she could say no then. Or even after the baby was born, in that delivery room, she could change her mind. Or when she held her baby for the first time. Or how about the Delaware sixty day rule? How about that one? Did that apply to them in DC? Cal had no idea how it worked. And if any of that happened, how would Gillian react to the rejection? "No guarantees," he summed up thinly.

"Yep."

Silence.

"So?"

"I don't know."

More silence.

"How about this?" An idea came to fruition suddenly in Cal's mind and he took it and ran before it could escape because right now it was the only thing that made any sense. "We make the decisions one step at a time. We treat each step as a separate decision, a separate instance, and base it on how we're feelin' in the moment, not thinkin' about the future or the past. Then it might not seem so scary, and we can pull out without gettin' so emotionally invested. If we need to. Or if somethin' else happens that forces us to stop..."

Gillian's cool fingers came down to curl around Cal's neck. "I think that is a very sensible idea." She sounded cautiously optimistic.

"You'd be all right with that?"

"Yes," she even nodded against her pillow.

Cal tightened his hand on her waist. "All right then. First things first. Call the agency back. This might not even go furtha than right here. She might change her mind knowin' it's me."

"If she's smart about anything, knowing it's you should sway her mind firmly to a 'yes'."