So the next morning Gillian rang the agency back and came clean. She explained she had divorced and remarried, the circumstances were slightly different now; they had a two year old son. Gail, the representative who was dealing with the case, asked if they were still interested anyway. Gillian took a chance and said 'yes they were'. She hadn't been expecting the question and made the decision on the spot. But then she clarified that in this instance, they were interested, but they were not actively seeking; they didn't need other interested mothers. Gail said she would talk to the birth mother and see how she felt about it and then they would go from there. If she had her heart set on the Foster's specifically then they may as well not waste anyone's time any further. Gillian hung up the phone a little disappointed; unreasonably so. It was logical for the birth mother to be the one to make this go ahead.

As soon as Gillian got in to the office she went to see Cal. He was on the phone but gave her a waved 'hello' greeting and a smile. Gillian signed that she wanted to 'talk', using her right index finger to make small circles in front of her mouth. Cal nodded as he explained something down the phone and signalled for her to wait for him. Gillian wasn't listening to his words though; she took a seat in front of his desk. After thirty seconds he was hanging up. "Who was that?" She asked.

"Who cares? You called them?"

Gillian gave a slight laugh at his response, delighted in his eager expression, and then felt a little fear as she was about to relay what the agency had told her, and more importantly, what she had told them. Her biggest fear should have been losing her husband. But what she was more scared about was that he would say 'no' to her. Cal sat back in his chair after she finished recounting the phone conversation. He regarded her neutrally. He was so hard to read in that moment Gillian felt a flare of frustration. "All right."

"That's it?"

"Yep."

"What about 'making decisions together one step at a time'?"

"What about it? You didn't really make a decision on the spot." He leaned forward again. "It's not a big deal. It's still just movin' the issue forward a little bit, like we already talked about. The ball is still in the birth mutha's court. Our next move is still dependant on hers. It's all right."

Gillian gave a nod. She was surprised. Maybe she had been expecting him to blow up. "I'm really nervous," she confessed.

"Me too," Cal admitted.

"You haven't actually told me," Gillian spoke up. "Would you want to go through with it? If it came down to that decision?"

Cal almost started to smile. His eyes softened and his lips twitched slightly in the corner but it didn't bloom fully. "A little girl would be lovely."

Gillian smiled. "It really would."

"But I'll be honest," his expression and tone turned serious again in the next heartbeat. "I'm hedgin' my bets."

Gillian nodded, she understood. She wanted to as well, but it was hard. She could feel her heart pounding uncomfortably. "You'll have to do that for the both of us then."

"Sure can," he responded casually as if he had promised to give her the world and it wasn't that hard to do.

PJ

Gail rang Gillian back that afternoon. She had spoken to the birth mother and at this stage she was still interested in meeting them. Gillian was stunned. By the answer and the quick turnaround. However, she agreed to the meet. It was only after she hung up that she realised, again, that she hadn't run it past Cal first. But then based on his 'a little girl would be lovely' comment she was fairly confident he would agree to the meeting anyway. Right? Fairly confident. Not very confident. This was so hard. She didn't know how to feel about it. Was she allowed to get excited yet?

Gillian didn't mention the second phone call until they got home though and she was nervous around him for the rest of the day. He must have sensed it in her but he didn't push while they were working. They had always been very good at keeping their work life free of the clutter of their home life.

In the early afternoon she went to pick up Lewis and took him home for a nap and then out again for speech therapy. She listened in while Stephanie went over vowel sounds with him and consonants. They were taking it one letter at a time. Then blends, so he could form words. Stephanie was patient with him and Lewis was cute with her. Lewis was cute with a lot of people. Gillian and Lewis got home at the same time as Cal and once again they hung out with as a family and made food together and completely ignored the giant elephant in the room until they were in the safety of their darkened bedroom. Cal dropped in to bed heavily and gave a very loud sigh. Finally he stopped moving around and Gillian found her opening and the courage to talk.

"Cal?"

"Yes luv?"

She shifted so she was on the edge of her pillow, closer to him, as if it was important to be able to see him clearly. It was dark. And nothing was clear right now. "Our plan isn't working." She sensed his head turn towards her abruptly, though she couldn't see it in the darkness.

"What do you mean?" He asked sharply.

"Gail rang me back today. The birth mother is still interested in meeting us and she asked if we were in and I said yes."

"All right."

"Which we didn't discuss."

"Well," Cal hedged. "We sort of did."

It was hard to detect, but Gillian was pretty sure there was a hardness there that made her feel like she was letting him down somehow. "I didn't know what else to say. She asked me on the spot."

"It's all right," Cal said again, a bit more soothingly.

"So is that ok?"

"Yes," Cal said slowly.

"You don't seem sure."

"I haven't really thought about it," Cal admitted. "It's just so... it's all so very much all at once. We're not prepared for this. It's not like we were on the books waitin' for our opportunity. In fact, I thought we had put this whole subject to bed, set it on fire and then pushed it out to sea."

Gillian giggled despite herself. He was so very good at lightening the mood right in the middle of something serious. "Stop it," she gave him a light tap on the arm. But she was glad for the release of tension.

Cal caught her hand. "The thing is I'm just afraid of goin' down the path only for it to lead to the wolf's house."

"You're into your metaphors tonight aren't you?"

"Sometimes they just break on out of there."

"You're avoiding the subject entirely."

"Yeah," Cal sighed. "I don't know what to say."

"You're still hoping for a crystal ball right?"

"Yes."

"That's not giving me an answer."

"Right," Cal agreed sounding a bit more determined. There was a moment's silence. "I'm scared."

"About what?" She asked gently and shifted to put her arm over his torso in a hug.

"That I'm gonna lose you to this if I say we should go for it." He placed his hands over her arm from below, like he was hanging on to a life line. "What if we get all the way down to the birth and she changes her mind? You and I both know how much this affects you."

There was silence. Gillian could feel her heart pounding a little sharply. He was right of course. And there was the other thing too. The one he wasn't voicing. Yet. Yet? Surely he was aware of that other factor too.

"Are you gonna cope with that? Are we gonna be able to cope with that?"

"I'd like to think you and I can deal with anything."

"Me too. But it wasn't so long ago that you decided some space in New York was a good idea."

Gillian withdrew her arm. "Ouch."

"Well, sorry, but that's true."

It was.

"Not that I'm tryin' to go ova that stuff again."

"What will it take to convince you?"

"It's not about that. I'm just reflectin' a loud. I'm not really gettin' to have a nice long think about it am I? The deadlines are bein' forced."

"If you don't want to meet with her then that's ok," she didn't say it with accusation. And he was also right about the amount of time they were getting to consider this.

"No I do, because when opportunity knocks you should ansa. I'm just sayin' this is really fraught with so much baggage. I would neva be the one to hold you back but I also wanna be the one to protect you."

Gillian put her arm back across his chest and snuggled into his neck. "I know."

"You trust me right?'

"Of course I do."

"So if I came to you at some point durin' this and said 'no we've got to stop' would you listen?"

Gillian thought for a moment. She wanted to say 'yes of course' but part of her already thought 'and ruin my chances?' He could drop it any moment and she could promise him that she would listen. But what did that really mean? That she could and would walk away from it just like that? Here was an opportunity right in her face. Would she walk away from it without a fight? Would it come down to her trying to convince Cal? She didn't know where he stood on the subject. Firmly against it more than likely. Especially after New York. So would he string her along only to cut the cord after she had jumped in? He wouldn't be cruel. She knew that. But at what point would he judge that she was getting too emotionally invested to be able to go forward safely?

The scariest thought of all? She didn't know at what point she was going to get emotionally invested. She didn't know her limits on this subject. If she got excited, if she showed a glimmer of hope would Cal put an end to it? Would that be all it took? She hated to think about him that way. He wouldn't do anything to purposefully hurt her... but if he was the one that halted the process... She could see what he was talking about. This could get really ugly emotionally, for them, for her. This could lead to resentment and she knew just as well as Cal did that it would spell the instant death of their marriage. Instant death. So she made a decision about what was more important to her. An unknown thin promise in the air? Or the rock solid stability of Cal in her arms? "Yes I would listen. I promise I would listen."

She felt Cal nod against her head. "Pinky promise?"

Gillian laughed lightly. "Pinky promise." And she meant it.

Cal found her hand in the dark and they curled their little fingers around each others. "I do trust you darlin'. If they ring up and need you to say 'yes or no' on the spot 'or we need to think about it' then I trust you to tell them the right things."

"Ok."

"That's what you wanted to know?"

"Yes."

"All right then."

Gillian pressed her lips against Cal's cheek, while her heart continued to jump wildly.

PJ

"Hello?"

"All right Ajay?" Cal greeted pleasantly.

"Yeah good thanks Doctor Lightman."

"Uh yeah, I think at this point you should probably call me Cal."

"Yeah probably."

"Is Em about?"

"Yep, I'll get her."

A few seconds later Emily came on the line and they exchanged pleasantries and news.

"Did you call for something in particular?" Emily asked into a moment's silence.

"No just checkin' in. Why are you always so suspicious?"

"I had Mom on the phone last weekend asking me when we were getting married and where and what kind of dress I was going to wear."

This was exactly why he hadn't rung her immediately after announcing her engagement.

"Oh right," Cal responded extra casually. "Maybe I should ring her to get the details."

Emily gave a light chuckle. "You're so very transparent Dad."

"I try."

"We're not getting married for a while, so rest assured."

"How long is a while?"

"Maybe a year. We haven't exactly made a plan about it. Ajay just wanted to take the next step and I said we should wait until he's finished studying and we can save a bit."

"Very sensible."

"Isn't it?" Emily asked as if she were shocked she was behaving like a grown-up.

"Well darlin', seein' as you brought it up, when you set a date and whateva, let me know. Gill and I would like to put somethin' towards the weddin'. You know, money."

"I got it Dad and thank you," Emily responded genuinely. "That would probably be a great help."

"You're welcome."

"Are you a bit choked up right now?"

"Little bit yeah," Cal admitted. "Big step and all."

"I know Dad. Be brave."

Cal chuckled. He wanted to tell her about the potential baby girl. But it was far too soon for telling anyone. Not even Lewis. He and Gillian were barely talking about it; especially when they didn't have to.

"Hey Dad I have to go."

"Me too. Just wanted to... check up on you."

"Always welcome to Dad. Next time we're in DC we'll make sure to spend more time with you."

"I'd like that a lot. So would Gill and Lewis."

"Deal. Later."

Cal made over exaggerated kissy noises down the line and hung up. He sat still for a moment. He could feel his heart beating in his chest; as if reminding him that he was human and just a man after all. Gillian and the baby weren't the only things on his mind, but at least that was done now and he had one less thing to worry about in the immediate future.