I woke up not wanting to go to school, so I went down stairs in my pajamas forgetting that I wore short sleeves to bed last night, I crossed my arms against my chest, went outside, and told the limo driver I didn't need his services; he told me to call him when I needed him and handed me his card. I nodded and went back inside.

Once inside I yawned and tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I turned on the TV in the living room and watched some meaningless show. I was beyond bored when it ended, I looked at the time and it was only 7:00 meaning first period hasn't started.

Adam I thought. I smiled, ran up to my room, grabbed my phone, and called him.

Ring Ring

"Hey where are you? Eli and I were worried." Adam said once he answered his phone

"I'm fine thanks Adam, I don't really feel like going to school, want to spend the day with me?" I replied as I rummaged through my cabinet for food.

"Clare you should come first period hasn't started yet."

"Hmm no thanks how about you come here, I need someone to keep me company."

"Well you wouldn't need the company if you were here." Adam stated sarcastically

"Adam are you coming or not so I know what I'm going to do or not do today?" I said annoyed

"I'll have Eli join us."

"I don't want Eli involved."

"Clare he's been to your house I know that for a fact and I haven't."

It's true Eli has been to my house before because when he, Mia, and I skipped, we had to drive past my house to get to one of the stores and Mia pointed out my house to Eli.

"Adam don't worry I'll send a limo. Please let me know now" I looked at the clock he only had five minutes to decide. "You don't have much time."

"Eli I'm going to Clare's for the day we'll catch up later." I heard him say to Eli I tried not to squeal. I so didn't want to be alone.

"Send the limo" Adam groaned meaning I won.

"Thank you Adam you rock." I chanted happily

"Yea yea yea you better have something good planned."

"Planning now." I giggled.

"Ok well I'm heading outside have the limo pick me up at the corner."

"Will do."

I hung up and called Geeves the limo driver and told him to where to pick Adam up. After I hung up with Geeves I ran all around my house. I dug out some video games I rarely played anymore, well besides my Wii. All my video games came from Christmas the one time in the year it feels like we're a family, the one-time of the year I don't have to cut myself from the yelling or feeling of being alone, the one time in the year I feel loved by both of my parents, the one-time of the year I'm actually happy.

Just as I got all the games and entertainment set up in the living room Adam knocked. I answered the door still in my pajamas.

"Hey Adam welcome and thank you for skipping you don't know how much it means to me."

I watched Adam as he walked inside and took in everything. I shut the door after he entered and waved bye to Geeves.

"It's no problem, but if my mom kills me I'm haunting you." Adam joked

"Funny Adam."

"So what do you have planned?" Adam asks still standing in the entrance

"Well as you can see I have video games all set up you can take your pick."

"Geeze Clare you have more video games than I do."

"Five years of Christmas presents, the only time my family feels like an actual family. The one time in the year I'm happy to be alive."

Adam pulled me into a hug.

"Clare it's ok. I'm here and so is Eli whenever you're ready to talk to him too he'll understand."

"Eli can never know about this part of my life Adam." I stated as I pushed him away.

"Clare you can't keep pushing him away he's going to end up pushing back and you're going to end up having to tell him."

"Well he hasn't pushed back yet so I'm not worried." I reply a little too bluntly.

I watched as Adam took a seat on the couch and look over at me.

"You can start the game I'm going to get changed out of my pajamas; I was thinking pizza for lunch?"

"Pizza sounds perfect." Adam smiled

I went upstairs as Adam rummaged through my collection of video games. When I got into my room I put on a short sleeve tee shirt and some skinny jeans. When I went to get out my black flats I noticed a shoe box with "Lily, Jason, and Clare" written on it. I automatically took it out. Inside were pictures of Lily, Jason, and I we were like a family after Alli had left.

About six years ago right before middle school Alli's parents decided to move and I ended up meeting Lily and Jason there. Lily and Jason dated in the sixth grade I didn't feel like a third wheel around them because I felt like their sister we shared everything together. In seventh grade the three of us started cutting ourselves Lily and I tried to overdose months later, but Jason wouldn't let us he held us together. We were walking just the three of us one night and we lost Jason when we found him, he looked like he was sleeping, but we knew he wasn't, he had fallen down a ravine. His body was mangled and disheveled, bruises were clearly visible on his pale body and his head was bleeding. Lily called the cops as we heard the paramedic mumble "D.O.A" with a tear coming down his face Lily and I held each other as we cried. It didn't take a genius to know that "D.O.A" meant "Dead On Arrival". We gave the cops our statements and went to the funeral in eighth grade. Lily moved in the middle of the year and Alli came back towards the end leaving me alone for two months walking the halls. No one talked to me about Jason or Lily since and ever since then I've never stopped cutting or wearing long sleeves.

The pictures were my only memories of those happy times.

I went back downstairs and sat next to Adam who had Mario Kart all set up for us on my Wii.

Adam smiled faintly at me and handed me a controller and we started to play.

"Adam that's no fair" I yelled as he pushed my Yoshi into the lava

"It is fair you just need to play better." Adam chuckled

"Revenge is sweet" I smiled as I nailed Adam's Mario with a bomb causing me to get the lead.

Just then there was a knock on the door.

"Adam do you think it's Eli?" I asked confused

Adam checked his phone.

"No it's not lunch yet."

I flung open the front door enough so the person can see Adam sitting on the couch behind me.

"Clare long time no see!"

I looked up and my jaw dropped to the floor, I felt my face flush of all color. I couldn't move I couldn't blink it was like all time had stopped.

"Clare bear are you ok."

"Earth to Clare"

I see hands wave before my eyes, but I couldn't believe my eyes. I swear they're playing tricks on me. I blinked a few times.

Adam walked to my side and touched my shoulder causing me to jump.

"Clare are you ok?" Adam asked

Knowing that I wasn't imagining the person in front of me I slammed the door, and then locked it.

"Clare that wasn't very nice you just slammed the door on what seemed to be a close friend of yours." Adam said sadly

"He's dead Adam" I my voice monotone filled with morose

"He looked pretty much alive to me." Adam stated the obvious

I ran upstairs, grabbed my old cell the one with a full directory of everyone's number looked up Lily's and called her right away as Adam watched.

"Hello" Lily asked

"Hey it's Clare, Jason just showed up at my door."

"Told ya he was alive and faked his own death."

"This isn't the time to gloat what do I do I'm freaked out here. It's been two years we just got our lives back and now he wants to be welcomed with open arms I need some help."

"Well your past has to meet your present if you want my help."

I remember telling Lily I like to keep my past and present separated, but now it's about to change and they're rapidly colliding.

"Fine come help."

"I'll enroll at Degrassi with you and I'll call to see if your parents will let me stay with you." Lily said in her English accent.

"Ok when do you get here and nice way to pick up the accent after two years." I stated.

"Two weeks, but we're not welcoming Jason back with open arms as much as I loved him and as much as he was a brother to you we can't. You need to be strong."

I nodded as tears started to fall. "I will I shut the door on him. I don't get why he would do this to us." I cried

"I know babe it'll be ok I'll be there soon, but I have to get to bed."

"Sweet dreams and I'll see you in two weeks."

"I love you Clare"

"I love you too and I'll be counting the days until you arrive on my door step."

I hung up the phone and pressed it against my lips as tears fell down my face. I guess I couldn't always hide the past now could I.

Adam came and sat on my bed. I looked over at him and he looked puzzled.

"The guy at the door was Jason a very close friend at the time even closer than Alli, the person on the phone was Lily, Jason's ex; we used to be best friends, well more like a family. I met them after Alli left to go to a different middle school. Jason kept Lily and I together like glue, he was afraid we'd fall apart and we did fall apart when he faked his own death." I admitted

Adam held me in his arms again. "See you do cry."

"Funny Adam funny" I giggled

"My past has come back to haunt me yet again." I stated

"It'll be alright." Adam cooed.

"No Adam like my life it's not going to be alright."

"Clare I'm sure everything will be fine."

I nodded and before we knew it there was a knock at the door yet again.

"Want me to go with you this time?" Adam asked.

I nodded and slipped on a jacket just in case.

Adam and I both walked down stairs tears still managed to fall.

"Adam on second thought can you answer the door please I'm not up for any more surprises just tell them I'm busy or something."

Adam nodded as I went to wash off my face. Involuntary tears still fell.

"Hey where's Clare?" I heard a familiar voice ask.

"I'm fine thanks for asking. Clare's busy." Adam choked out the last part.

"Busy doing what, you two skip first yesterday, she calls you to skip with her today and all you can say is she's busy?"

"Dude I'm sorry it's complicated."

I walked to the door tears still falling probably from not having cried in years. I stood beside Adam and looked at Eli once I wiped my eyes. When Eli noticed I was crying he pulled me into a warm embrace and held me tightly, I was surprised, he didn't say anything he just held me as I cried; I hugged him back just as tightly as he held me. A few moments later my phone started to ring. Adam nudged me on the shoulder with it.

I motioned Eli inside as I picked it up.

"Hello" I sobbed a little.

"Love what's wrong?" Lily replied

"I can't stop crying."

I sat on the couch joined by Eli and Adam.

"When was the last time you cried?"

"The funeral."

"Hmm two years ago or more. I'm here to help you stop."

"How will that work?"

"Well Love I have good news."

I sniffled a little "Really?" I looked at the time and noticed it was 12. "And shouldn't you be sleeping."

"Babe I couldn't sleep."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be besides I get to see you next week I'm moving there you have your cuddle buddy back."

I giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"Remember the last time you slept in my room. We were in our underwear and my mom walked in? Remember the look on her face it was priceless." I laughed

"That it was and your tears seem to be stopping."

Eli and Adam looked at me with amusement as the tears stopped.

"They are, but what's with the new nicknames?"

"Nothing they just suit you, why you don't like them?"

"I never said I didn't like them." I stated defensively "I just need to give you one Love." I mimicked Lily

"Funny, just you wait until I see you."

"Really and you'll do what?" I laughed amused to hear her reply.

"I might lick you again."

"Ok that's not funny. Last time you licked me I had whipped cream on the side of my face and you laughed, but refused to lick it off." I groaned

"So you used my shirt."

"Exactly, oh thank you for that."

"When in doubt use Lily's shirt."

"Yup. When you lick me and leave traces of something on my face I will use your shirt to wipe it off."

"That's quite all right dear."

"Thank you, but remember school is strictly for school no distractions."

"Such as putting on a show? Or licking you? Or making everyone think we're lesbian lovers?"

"All the above, the licking I'm still not used to I'll admit that." I groaned into the phone.

"But you love me and it's only your face."

"I do love you and even so I'm known as Saint Clare here Bay Bay." I tried not to laugh because it's not like me to say "Bay Bay"

"Bay Bay shall I corrupt you for that Saint Clare."

"No corruption allowed."

Adam took the phone before Lily could reply

"Hey this is Adam you aren't allowed to corrupt our little Clare-bear more than you already possibly have."

"No I'm a close friend, but I'm objecting to the corruption of Clare."

Eli took the phone.

"Ok this is Eli and Adam has no say whether you corrupt Clare or not because she's your girlfriend." Eli choked out. Adam and I laughed

"I'm so sorry the way Clare was talking to you I thought she was your girlfriend." Eli said fast as he blushed.

I took the phone back.

"Hey it's me again sorry for the interruptions."

"It's ok I don't mind you need a boyfriend by the way."

"I don't need a boyfriend." I state

"Why not?"

"Truth be told I'm still messed up after Jason and I wasn't even dating him you were and honestly he broke both of us. Literally broke us, Lil and I can't deal with that anymore." I started to sob again.

"Clare honey not all boys are like that or will do something as horrid as that, hell look at Eli and Adam I don't think they'd hurt you, sweetie you need to open up more."

I cried again realizing she was right. I do need to open up.

"I will gradually let myself date, but I don't know when I don't want to go through the heartache again. Hell Lil I loved him like he was my brother we were so close now look at what he's done. We're both messed up beyond all belief whether you want to believe it or not and my family we're blown to smithereens we're not a family."

"It's ok open up to Eli and Adam."

"I've basically opened up to Adam, but Lilly it's hard."

"I know it is dear, but I have to go I'm sorry and you have two boys there beside you they'll get you through this I love you."

"I love you too sis."

I hung up the phone and cried in my legs. I felt someone rub my back.

"Clare time to open up to me." Eli stated

I shook my head.

"You opened up to Adam based off of what I heard from the conversation."

"Adam and I aren't too different."

"Well then I accepted Adam you should know I'll accept you, hell I already have."

"Eli there's things about me you still don't know that I don't think you'll like which is probably why Clare won't open up."

I looked over to Adam realizing what he was talking about.

"You didn't tell Eli that?" I asked in between tears referring to his arm

"No."

I looked over to Eli.

"Eli, do you know why Adam wears long sleeves?"

Eli shook his head and I looked at Adam. Adam gulped.

"Tell him together?" Adam asked quietly

"Tell me what?" Eli demanded.

I looked at Eli again.

"Adam and I wear long sleeves for basically the same reason." I stated almost inaudible

"Which is?"

I looked over to Adam, we both faced forward, extending left arms, palms facing upward, before we did anything we looked to Eli, his eyes were wide waiting for our next move, I couldn't read his facial expression. I looked over to Adam and we both put our hands at the sleeve of our shirts getting ready to pull them up.

"Ready?" I asked nervously

Adam nodded as we faced our arms. We both pulled the sleeves down at the same time trying not to look at Eli. My arm showed still visible wounds trying to heal some wider and deeper than others. I cried as I lowered my sleeve feeling like I just exposed myself.

Eli didn't say anything I could feel him stare at my arm. Everyone was quiet. Eli ran his fingers down my arm feeling the cuts that I have made. I looked over at him, my vision blurred with tears.

"Guys how, why?" He mumbled not forming full sentences.

"It helps us deal." I choke out.

"I don't get it?"

"Get what Eli?" I said sort of sad, a little confused.

"How you two can do this to yourselves sure life is bad, but there's got to be other ways."

"I've tried everything this is mainly a last resort for me." I stated honestly.

"Same here." Adam chokes out.

We both look at Eli; a confused look is on his face. I roll down my sleeve and Adam follows suit.

"This is why I don't open up." I mumble as I shake my head.

"Clare it's ok I know how you feel." Adam replied sadly

"I honestly don't know what to say." Eli stood up and looked at both Adam and I "Do either one of you still do that?"

I cried a little more and nodded slowly.

"Not often, only when my mom dresses me as Gracie so about once a year." Adam admits.

Eli starts pacing back and forth mumbling I can't make out the words. I just sit and watch.

Eli finally sat down after a few minutes of pacing, he put his head in his hands, and then the three of us talked for hours. I didn't tell Eli about my family, past suicide attempts, or anything. The guys stayed with me until 8pm we all ate lunch and dinner together it was nice. I canceled my plans with Mia for the weekend to make sure everything would be ready for Lily when she comes and to clean the house. I am so happy Eli seemed to accept the fact about Adam and I though he's convinced he'll make us stop one way or another I feel differently.

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