Blue Drop: Angel's Home: Chapter 13
Memories of the Past
Mari'il was settling into her new apartment and job. They were both still new and interesting—and she hoped there would always be some of that—but also part was actually developing into a routine. And in that routine she found comfort as she settled into her new life.
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[[ Good Morning, dear Mari, ]] said Ekaril. [[ It's time to wake up. ]]
Mari mumbled back lovingly.
Mari'il got up, got dressed and headed out to make breakfast. Mari was still as inclined to sleep late as always, but now she could let Ekaril take care of things early in the morning. In fact the two actually turned this into another opportunity to express their feelings for each other. Ekaril made breakfast for Mari and fed her. Anyone looking on would just see Mari'il making and eating breakfast on her own, though they might be puzzled by her periodic blushes.
Mari'il looked out as dawn broke over the bay outside her balcony this weekend morning while she enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and tea.
[[ Do you remember dreaming at all last night? ]] asked Ekaril.
[[ Not really, dear. I slept pretty soundly. ]]
[[ Hmm... then you probably didn't see the one I had, ]] Ekaril explained. [[ I dreamed I was back on Earth, but I was a little girl living with my parents. Here, see... ]] and Ekaril shared her memory of the dream with Mari.
[[ Ekaril, that feels really familiar to me. ]] Mari paused, thinking slowly this early in the morning. [[ I think those are my parents ...and even myself. Here's the picture of them Grandmother kept. ]] Mari shared the memory of it with Ekaril. [[ ...do you think this means... ]]
[[ I wonder if this might be your childhood memories coming back. But why would they appear to me and not to you? ]]
[[ I can't think of anyone I'd rather show them to, ]] said Mari. She thought for a moment. [[ I wonder if Abdiel might have some ideas on why. ]]
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Mari'il contacted Abdiel later in the morning, waiting until a polite hour in order not to wake her by accident. ``Abdiel, would you have a moment to discuss something with Mari and Ekaril?'' When Abdiel said she did, Mari'il continued, ``We were wondering if some of Mari's childhood memories might be returning. Ekaril had a dream last night that seems to be composed of them. Does this make any sense to you?''
``Yes, it does,'' replied Abdiel. ``And it's really interesting, especially that the dreams appeared to Ekaril. I have wondered why Mari remembered nothing at all before Blue's drive explosion. It seemed to be an even more complete memory block than is typical in such traumatic events.'' She paused, thinking for a bit. ``I have one theory, but I never said anything about it. I don't have any evidence and didn't want to worry you with idle speculation. Also you never seemed to be bothered by these missing memories.''
Mari'il agreed that she wasn't bothered. Though she wondered to herself if this might come from Mari and Ekaril both refraining from thinking of earth often. Even though both had left good friends behind there, enough painful had happened to each of them that neither wanted to hurt the other by possibly bringing up those bad memories. Perhaps it was time to change this, so Mari'il prompted Abdiel to please go on and describe her theory.
``Well, you've told me how Ekaril rescued Mari after the explosion. I know that you had to be terrified at that time, Mari: you were drowning and your parents were gone. Perhaps you might even have been able to sense that they were afraid or even dead then, via your telepathy like we talked of before. Anyway, when Ekaril swam down to pull you to the surface, I'm sure she also wanted to reassure you that you'd be all right, that you'd be safe.''
``Yes,'' said Mari'il, using Ekaril's tone of voice. ``I really wanted to save her, to make sure that she actually survived the incident safely. Given all of those under my responsibility who died, if I could save even one child...''
``And you did,'' she continued with Mari's accent, reassuring Ekaril.
``Exactly,'' said Abdiel ``The point being that Ekaril strongly wanted to save and reassure the child, Mari, and that Mari wanted `all that scary stuff' to go away. Maybe even Ekaril didn't want to think too much of it.''
Mari'il nodded, confirming this.
``Well, I think that maybe your touch telepathy had an effect here, and perhaps added strength here. You both wanted Mari's terror to go away, ...so maybe your minds worked together to lock away all of the scary memories and just did too good a job.''
``Oh Mari,'' Ekaril exclaimed out loud. ``I wanted to save you and now it looks like I ended up hurting you instead. It's my fault ...again.''
``No,'' contradicted Mari and Abdiel simultaneously.
[[ I have you. That's all I need, ]] Mari added silently. [[ This helped bring us together, so it can't be bad. It also saved me from having to deal with those painful memories throughout my childhood. Please, don't blame yourself for this too, my love. ]]
``Ekaril,'' Abdiel pointed out. ``Mari seems perfectly well adjusted now. She doesn't regret the lack of those memories, so was she actually harmed? And most importantly, you were trying to help her, and this came from your working together. I doubt either of you could have done anything like this alone or without full subconscious cooperation of each other.''
``Please, Ekaril,'' begged Mari.
Mari'il nodded, hesitantly, as Ekaril agreed.
``I wonder,'' Abdiel mused. ``I wonder if your subconscious—maybe both of yours—is realizing that you're now safe here, and that you don't need to keep these memories shut away anymore. If you want to try to get your childhood memories back, I suppose a comforting safe environment would help.'' She paused, thinking.
[[ Mari, do you want these memories? ]] asked Ekaril, privately and hesitantly. [[ You know I'll help you and support you with whatever you decide to do about this. ]]
``There's no need to rush at all,'' added Abdiel. ``And there's nothing wrong with not remembering or just seeing if these memories naturally return.''
Mari'il looked thoughtful.
``But if you do want to try to encourage them, maybe your close friends might have some ideas on making a safe and secure environment for your subconscious.''
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Mari'il closed the connection with Abdiel and sat down to think over what she'd said.
[[ I think Abdiel might be on the right track with her theory, ]] Ekaril mused.
[[ Yes. It sounds right, ]] thought Mari. [[ ... it feels right. ]] She smiled. [[ I guess you've been caring for me and protecting me for longer than I can remember. Thank you. ]]
Ekaril was touched—and relieved—that Mari felt this way about it.
By happy coincidence Ariel and Raphael were already coming over this evening, so Mari'il decided to talk this over with them. As Abdiel said, maybe they'd have some ideas too. Perhaps it was finally time time to think of the past as well as the present and future.
ooo OOO ooo
The sun sent its shadows reaching out over the bay as it headed away toward the opposite horizon when Mari'il heard the traditional polite knock at her door. Ariel always did this, never failing to show her consideration for others. Mari'il opened to door to find Ariel and Raphael standing there, holding the carry-out dinner they brought to share.
``Come on in,'' invited Mari'il.
The three enjoyed their meal together, sitting around Mari'il's table, enjoying the pattern of shadows and soft twilight visible off her balcony. Since Mari'il's nanomachine treatments the three had become fast friends and their conversation wandered around as friends will when enjoying each other's company. As dinner wound down, Mari'il told them of her dream and her conversation with Abdiel.
``So,'' asked Ariel. ``What are your thoughts on trying to get Mari's childhood memories back?''
``It might be nice,'' said Mari'il. ``But we've agreed we don't want to do anything that might hurt Mari or Ekaril ...or even make them unhappy.''
``That's just like you,'' commented Ariel with a smile, ``each of you caring as much for the other as for yourself.''
Mari'il smiled back at this, pointing out that now it could be a bit difficult to differentiate. Raphael's silver laugh filled the apartment. They finished the meal and cleaned the table together.
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With the dishes taken care of, the three moved and sat down on Mari'il's new couch to relax and watch the sun set.
``Did I ever tell you about my parents?'' asked Raphael, beginning the conversation.
Mari'il and Ariel both shook their heads.
``Mother's name is Isfahel, and her partner is Leliel.'' She looked at Mari'il. ``I don't know if you remember, but it's their image that I keep near the dining table.''
Mari'il nodded, remembering the hologram of an attractive couple which graced the spot Raphael described. She grinned. ``Now I understand where you got your good looks.''
``Th... Thank you.'' Raphael blushed in embarrassment. ``They are pretty, aren't they. Anyway, both are elementary school teachers in North Eularia. That's a small town on the other end of this island, so we don't get to see each other a lot, but we do talk regularly.'' She smiled back at Mari'il who remembered them calling each other when she was staying with Raphael.
``I remember that even before I was old enough to attend school, they occasionally would bring me to school with them. Isfahel-mama would give me a tablet and markers and let me sit in the back of her classroom. Sometimes I would draw, but mostly I just loved to watch her, standing there in front of the lecture board, looking so elegant as she explained things to the kids in class. When I was old enough, I was able to actually be in her class.'' Raphael laughed. ``She actually made me work and learn, then. Leliel didn't bring me to her class as much, since she taught older grades. When I got to her class, she made me work and study just as much, though her classroom was always fun. She was just as elegant as Isfahel-mama, and I think half the class was in love with her.'' Raphael laughed again. ``Also, they would often both take me to the pool where we would all swim together. I guess I love swimming as it reminds me of those times.''
``It sounds like you have a really nice set of parents,'' said Mari'il.
Ariel nods in agreement. ``And kind, loving ones, too.''
``Yes, they are,'' Raphael agreed. ``Looking back, I think their caring for their students inspired me to go into nursing, where I could also try to care for others like they do. I'm ...not smart enough to be a teacher.''
``I think you are smart enough,'' contradicted Ariel. ``But regardless, you make a wonderful and caring nurse. Your parents should be proud of you.''
``Yes, you are, and you do,'' Mari'il agreed, bringing another blush to Raphael's cheeks. ``And a very good nurse, too. I'm sure your parents are proud. Thank you for telling me about them.'' She took Raphael's hand, trying to convey that she understood and appreciated both Raphael's telling these private memories, and also how she was trying to help Mari'il by sharing them.
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Mari'il took a breath to gather her courage, and began speaking in Ekaril's tone of voice. ``I haven't really told many people of my mother.'' She tightened her grip on Raphael's hand, drawing reassurance from her. ``Her name was Shantaal. I'm sorry, I don't have any images of her to show you.'' She was able to show one from her memory to Mari, and hoped the touch-telepathy with Ariel might work to show her, too. ``She... she was killed while I was away at Fleet Academy. That was early in the Narame war.'' She paused to wipe a tear from her eye, and Ariel put a comforting arm around her. ``I went to the Academy, as I'd been fascinated by ships and Fleet since I was little and had dreamed of becoming a Fleet Commander. Mom was a civilian, but she always supported me and my dreams. I'm sorry the Academy took me away from her so we had less time together and I wasn't able to say one last goodbye to her, ...but I guess it also saved me since I wasn't around to be killed with everyone else in that explosion. But she never got the chance to come to my Academy graduation or see me in anything but my cadet uniform. ...well, except for the one she made for me when I was just a little girl.'' Tears continued to run down Mari'il's cheeks, but a little smile also broke through as she remembered all her mother did in their time together.
``I remember how proud she was of me in my first real cadet uniform after I was accepted at the Academy. Mom helped me make sure I put it on perfectly correctly so that everything was right the day I entered. She even took vacation from work that day so we could spend it specially together and so she could take me to the Academy and see me off there. We stopped near the gate and both got out, and I asked her to check my uniform again. She then took my hands, squeezing them, wishing me luck and saying, `I really want to give you a hug, but I don't want to muss your uniform'.'' A private smile came to Mari'il's face as she remembered using those same words when she headed out to the service on the Memorial Plain. ``Mom stood there by her skimmer and watched me walk away from her and through the Academy gates, carrying myself with all the dignity I could muster at that young age. I didn't quite understand the expression on her face as she watched me go. ...I have some idea of it now: she was both sad to see me leave, that I wouldn't be `her little girl' at home anymore; but she was also so proud of me, that I was growing up and following my dreams. Though I think there's still part I can't understand since I'm not a mother myself.'' Mari'il took a deep breath and wiped her cheeks again. ``That first year was tough, as we were only allowed to keep in touch by letter, and they only allowed one a week. Mom wrote to me every week, no matter how busy she was. I tried to write back, but I wasn't able to do it every week like she did. Mom always knew I'd succeed at the Academy. I guess that after she died, I just had to, as I couldn't bear to fail her faith in me.''
Mari'il continued, ``Mom was really devoted to her work, but she still always tried to spend time with me when I was young. She definitely loved me. There was a tree-lined park not too far from our home where we would often go together. I don't know if she found the squirrels as fascinating as I did when I was a little kid—I really enjoyed watching and playing with them. But I do think she equally enjoyed the occasional picnics we would have there. When I got older, we'd still go, but we tended more to just sit under the trees and chat or just enjoy the quiet green. I guess her loss hurts so much because the time we spent together was so precious. Or maybe that time is more precious because it was cut short.''
Mari'il took a deep calming breath, then continued, ``I don't really remember Mom's partner as she and Shantaal parted ways when I was very young, and Mom never talked much about her.''
By this time, Mari had enough experience in Arume society that she also knew that single parenthood like this was not uncommon, nor was there any stigma associated with it as some Earth societies had. Since children had become rarer with the falling population, the whole community would help in many little ways to help single parents—or, for that matter, even those with partners—raise and take care of their children.
``I remember how Mom made that little fleet uniform especially for me when I was tiny. I loved to dress up in that and play commander. Mom would often play with me: sometimes she was my crew, sometimes she was another ship, and sometimes she was the ship's computer.'' She laughed at the memory. ``I never did meet a ship's computer anywhere as good as her until Blue. I guess that does make some sense, though. Mom's job was developing the new computer systems and techniques which ended up being incorporated into our latest generation P-Brain machines, including those aboard Blue. I think she'd be happy to learn how widely they are now used, and how successful they've been. What's really hard is that it wasn't anything she was working on—or even had any control over—that killed her. The facility next to hers was doing research into new weapons and propulsion systems, and something set off an explosion there which devastated the whole area. I figure that the urgency of the Narame war pushed them to cut some corners on safety which came back and bit them. Afterwards the whole area was sealed off by the military, with the incident and even the reason for the quarantine being highly classified. I never looked deeper into those classified areas after becoming an officer and getting clearance. I guess part of me just didn't want to feel that loss again.''
Ariel pulled Mari'il tighter, bringing her head to rest on her shoulder and reassuring her that they were both here for her. Raphael gripped her hand in reassurance and snuggled closer. Mari'il relaxed into their embrace, comforted as much by their closeness as their words, and this brought a hint of a smile back to Mari'il's face as Mari also silently reassured Ekaril of her support and love.
``Thank you. Thank you all for supporting me,'' replied Mari'il. She took a shuddering breath. ``After that, Fleet became what family I had, and I devoted myself to my career and didn't think much of relationships. I did make friends in Fleet, good ones. You've met Loriel, but I don't think you ever knew Onomil and Tsubael, or even Blue.'' She smiled, remembering them. ``They were all good friends, but I never really thought of romance until I met Mari and she taught me ...taught me of love.'' Her face turned bright red and she continued quietly, ``Thank you, dearest.''
Ariel and Raphael weren't sure whether that last was Ekaril thanking Mari or vice-versa. Whichever it was, they were confident it was heartfelt and sincere, and that it meant a lot to both.
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Ariel proceeded to share some of her childhood memories as well. While she claimed her parents were ``just ordinary people,'' she still had plenty of good memories of that time. She also told of her older sister and the fun they had playing together as children. Her stories also showed how her innate kindness and politeness came from her mother, who couldn't have been just ordinary to have raised such a daughter.
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After Ariel finished telling of her parents and her childhood, Mari'il snuggled deeper into her friends' comforting embrace, relishing the feeling of comfort and security her friends gave her. She was settling in here on Arume: she had a job to support herself, and one where she was valued; she had a place to live and call home; and she had very good friends who cared for and supported her. Mari'il smiled at how Mari and Ekaril also worked to love and protect each other. Maybe Abdiel's discovery that their cohabitation in Mari'il's head might not be stable just made them each that much more precious to each other, treasuring what they wanted to never lose. If Mari thought about it analytically, she'd say she was trying to relax so she could open up more to Ekaril, and that Ekaril's telling of her mother was just one more thing she was trying to do to help. But Mari was never one who really thought that way. She just went with her feelings, so it probably was her subconscious not a reasoned plan.
She gave a contented sigh, feeling happy and secure here, then quietly began, ``Grandmother told me some about my parents. Mother was her daughter. Dad was an architect. He decided to move us to Kamioki island for the lovely scenery there after we visited it once on a family vacation.'' She continued recounting what her grandmother had told her.
Partway through this description, Mari'il said, ``I remember Mother taking me to my first day at grade-school. I was nervous about meeting my new classmates, but she promised me everything would be all right. She even made a special breakfast for me that morning: for strength and good luck. Dad even left late for work that day so he could share it with us. I remember his odd smile looking at me across the table, and his similar glances at mother. Now I recognize what those were. He was so proud of me that day, taking my first steps out into the real world.'' She paused. ``If only he could see me now. I wonder what he'd think of what I've become. Would he still be proud of me?''
Mari'il stopped as tears welled up in her eyes then overflowed down her cheeks. She realized what remembering this meant: that the wall shutting away Mari's childhood memories was crumbling. It felt good to remember Mari's parents and their love for her, but that memory also made her feel their loss that much more keenly. And perhaps breaking the wall itself hurt some.
Ekaril did her best to reassure Mari: of her love for her, of their togetherness, of her safety here, and of their new-found friends and belonging. [[ Ariel, if you please... ]] she silently asked, hoping their touch-telepathy would work at this time.
Ariel understood her request, and hugged Mari'il tighter, placing a tender kiss on her cheek and on her forehead. ``Mari'il,'' she began, quietly. ``Mari, thank you for sharing your memories. I'm sure that your father would be very proud of you and the woman you've become.''
``I'm sure he would,'' agreed Raphael, continuing to hold Mari'il while wiping away her tears, just as Mari'il had done when she comforted her after that scary nightmare.
``You know, you really have grown up to be quite a remarkable woman,'' Ariel continued in explanation. ``Look, you were not only strong enough to survive and prosper after losing your parents and memory like that—not to mention losing all your friends and your whole planet—but you were able to overcome that and become the first Fori... Earth ambassador to another planet.''
``And,'' Raphael pointed out, ``I'm sure your mother would be overjoyed to see that you have found true love.''
Mari'il sniffed back another tear. ``Thank you. Thank you all,'' she said, hugging Ariel and Raphael close to her while Mari sent Ekaril her strongest feelings of love and gratitude.