Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI I don't know what I own at this point.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock I hit the snooze button and just laid there thinking about the past weekend which went by fast.

Mia was busy working so I spent my time with Adam and Eli, Eli still doesn't know about Jason and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible. The three of us spent time playing video games and I could see Eli smirking at me a few times in the corner of my eye, they left early last night not long after dinner.

I shut off my alarm and drug myself out of bed. It's not like I want to go to school, but Jason knows where I live and I don't really want to see him. I walked to my closet threw on a long sleeve shirt, blue skinnies, and black converse; I did my hair and make-up, and then went downstairs for breakfast.

After I finished cleaning up my mess I heard loud screamo music only meaning one thing: Eli's here.

I peeked out the window and sure enough I was right. I smiled, grabbed my purse and went outside.

Eli stood leaning on the side of Morty.

"Good morning Blue-Eyes."

"Morning Eli." I yawned.

"Still tired I see, you were supposed to go to bed early."

"I did right after you left." I announce.

Eli opened the passenger door for me and closed it once I got inside. I slid to the middle and watched Eli as he got in.

"Mind if I lay on your shoulder?" I asked

He smirked back. "Not at all."

I smiled at him and laid my head down.

"Can you drive like this?" I asked once I noticed how uncomfortable it must be for him.

"Clare I wouldn't have allowed you to lay on me if I couldn't drive."

I nodded and drifted off to sleep.

"Clare wake up we're at school." Eli cooed.

I opened my eyes I am now propped up on Eli's shoulder with his arm around me. We were parked and Morty was shut off.

"You were right I couldn't drive like that, so I moved you to my chest don't worry I didn't do anything." Eli stated

I nodded and moved.

"Ready to face the day or would you rather sleep?"

"Honestly I'd rather sleep, but I need to go to school." I responded honestly.

"Well for lunch we'll go to the Dot and get some coffee."

"Thank you."

Eli opened his door and I opened mine. I took my purse and walked to Eli seeing that he waited for me.

We walked into the school together and started to make our way to my locker.

"Clare-bear what's new?"

I turned around to see Jason walk towards me, then continued walking.

"So that's it you're giving me the silent treatment? After all these years?"

I continued walking I glanced over at Eli who looked confused, but still walked.

"I still love you Clare, and you give me the silent treatment." Jason's voice rang with anger.

I turned around.

"Love me? HA! We both loved you and you broke us. You broke both of us; I haven't been the same since. Do you know what you've put me through? What were the three years pretend? I've never been hurt as much as you hurt me so don't expect me to welcome you with open arms. You have every right to be given the silent treatment. The sad thing is, I hate you and I still love you the same." I started crying and ran out of the school.

I didn't get too far before I felt someone tug on my arm and turn me towards them. I looked through my blurry eyes and seen Eli. I immediately wrapped my arms around him in a hug. I cried letting all of my emotions take control again.

"Clare bear I'm sorry."

I looked next to me, still wrapped in Eli's embrace, still holding Eli to me, and looked up.

"Sorry doesn't cut it this time." I mumbled then buried my head back in Eli's chest.

"Clare I still love both of you the same as I did back then. I know what I did was stupid of me now." Jason said sadly.

I moved away from Eli and turned towards Jason.

"Stupid? Jason really? More like psycho and hurtful. I don't know how you did that and what's worse is that I still love you just the same. Don't get me wrong I hate you none the less."

Jason looked at me, grabbed my arm and rolled up my sleeve.

"You still do this Clare?"

I rolled up his.

"You still do it too."

"Does she still do it as well?" Jason asked sadly.

"I don't know I haven't asked her, but if she does it's still your fault. We both loved you and you not only betrayed, but broke the both of us and I'm the twisted one that believes in forgiveness." I choked on a sob.

"I'm sorry; I'll scream it to the heavens to prove it just let me back in Clare bear." Jason begged.

I shook my head. "I've changed."

"What's that supposed to mean? How much have you changed."

I stayed silent.

"I don't know how Clare was back then, I've known her for almost a week now and she never lets anyone in, I'm almost in, but I feel like I have a long way to go still before she fully trusts me, the only ones that I know who are fully inside are Adam, Mia, and Peter.-"

"The only person that I talk to that I've fully opened up to is Lily." I stated Eli looked at me with a shocked expression.

"I am still trying to get her to open up and I'm not stopping." Eli stated

I looked over to him and hugged him tightly.

"Eli if I let you fully inside please don't hurt me."

"I won't Clare I like you too much."

I pulled away.

What was that last part?"

"I don't know what I just said I forgot that quickly." Eli looked around.

"Eli please tell me, I'm not in the mood to argue."

"I like you too much Clare."

I looked into Eli's eyes and moved between him and Jason.

"Eli meet Jason, Jason meet Eli." I motioned between them.

"Jason here used to date Lily; we were like a family in middle school." I started to shake my head remembering the past. "Jason held us together like glue." I chocked and Eli held me again.

"Continue."

I shook my head.

"It gets worse Eli."

"I can handle it."

"Like I said Jason held us together like glue he'd-" I sobbed more.

"I used to keep them two alive I felt like their life line." Jason admitted "When things got bad Clare and Lily would give in. Clare took her parents advice way too often and a few times overdosed on whatever drugs they threw at her."

Eli pulled me away from him and looked at me. I kept my head down, he lifted my face and my eyes met his.

"Is this true?"

I nodded at him.

"Most of the time I was lucky that they threw Tylenol at me." I stated

"So is that why you continue to cut?" Eli asked

I nodded, and then he pulled me into another hug.

"Her parents are brutal, I've visited and they used to say how much of a mistake Clare is, how much they hate her, and things like that."

"They still do." I added.

"We tried to run away, just the three of us. As you can tell we failed."

"The worst day of my life was January 5th. Jason's funeral. I still have the images burned into my head."

"I made the stupid mistake of faking my own death." Jason admitted.

I pulled away from Eli and looked at him.

"Now you know everything about me, do you still want to continue being my friend?"

"Clare I don't just want to be your friend." Eli replied

"I don't know if I want to date. Even though I fully let you in I don't want to take the chance of getting hurt Eli."

"Clare I promise not to hurt you and I promise to protect you as much as I can."

I nodded and cried more.

"Clare will you go out with me?"

"Eli I'm broken are you sure you want to date someone who's as broken as I am?'

"Clare I don't care about your past and I like you, though I'm sure you're not broken if you are I do my best to fix you and make your life better." Eli lifted my head and looked me in the eyes "Clare Edwards just please do me the honors of being my girlfriend."

I nodded as tears fell from my eyes and Eli kissed me sweetly.

My phone started to ring.

"Hello?" I answered

"Good you skipped school?"

"No I'm in front of it with Jason you know best friend for 3 and a half years in middle school." I replied as I looked at the ground.

"Oh yea he died didn't he?"

"He faked his own death." I stated

"Ha more proof people don't like you."

"That's not why he did that, remember he never let Lily and I die?"

"Well I'm calling to check in to see if you were dead."

"No I'm not dead thank you very much." I stated coldly

"Well anyway we'll be home soon sadly."

"Can't you just stay longer?" I groaned

"No I've tried trust me if I could stay longer I would."

"Try harder, if you want something you have to try to get it." I said angrily

"Well I've been trying to get rid of you and it's been unsuccessful."

"I hate you."

"Good because I hate you too, but I bought you something."

"What might that be? A noose?"

"No you wouldn't use it. I bought you a new knife to cut yourself with."

"Really does mom know you bought me that?"

"She doesn't care. She thinks I'm joking, but hey I have a sharpener too and a lighter because we know how you like to play it safe as much as I hate it."

"Well then if you want me to die so much why don't you kill me yourself?" I asked just as cold if not more

"Too much trouble and you're not worth it. I hate you."

"I hate you too dad and I don't look forward to you coming home."

"That makes two of us see you in a few days, sadly."

I hung up the phone and started walking back and forth pacing around as thoughts ran through my head telling me to cut myself. I didn't have my knife; not only that Eli and Jason were watching me. I tugged the bottom of my sleeves and groaned angrily a little, I started to move my arms to my chest, then back to my sides and I gripped my pants, then let them go as I paced and groaned angrily. Jason came in and grabbed my shoulder.

"Clare look at me." he demanded

I looked at him all emotions I was feeling clearly visible in my eyes.

"It's ok Clare everything's going to be ok."

"Everything's not going to be ok! Everything's never going to be ok!" I yelled

Jason pulled me into a hug and I hit his chest, I pounded on it and he did nothing.

"Shh Clare it's ok, just cry let it out."

I cried on his chest for a few minutes then pushed him away.

"No I can't let him win. I refuse. I refuse. I can't do this."

I walked away from the school backwards so I was still facing a shocked Eli and a very apathetic Jason.

"Eli now that you've seen the girl behind the façade. It's not too late to end it." I yelled as tears still continued to fall.

I turned around and walked I hadn't even made it to the gate before Eli caught up with me and turned me around to face him.

"Clare like I told you before I like you too much. I don't care who you are and I want to get to know you better. How about we skip school and you tell me everything? I'm not going to leave you. You're my girlfriend I just need to learn how to be there for you like Jason was. Watching him hold you hurt, but I learned how to calm you down."

I nodded at him.

"We should bring Jason, he can tell you what I have trouble saying."

Eli took my hand and we walked back to Jason.

"Clare and I are skipping you should come we need to talk, just the three of us." Eli stated

Jason looked at me and I nodded.

"Ok" Jason replied

We walked to Morty in silence. Eli still holding my hand as if he were afraid to let me go; Jason followed us.

"Mind if I get in the back of your hearse?" Jason asked Eli.

I looked up at him puzzled, but shrugged it off. Eli opened my door for me and shut it once I was inside I jumped when he did., then let Jason in the back, and got in on his side, started the hearse, and we were on our way to who knows where.

"So where are we going?" I asked softly.

"The park, it's nice and peaceful this time of day."

I looked back to see Jason sprawled out sleeping. Eli held my hand rubbing it while we drove. It didn't take us long to get there.

"Hey man we're here." Eli said looking at Jason.

I looked back at Jason who was still sleeping and hit him in the head.

"What the hell!" He exclaimed

"We're here time to wake up." I announced

Eli walked out of the car and let him out, and then I hopped out, shut my door, and walked to the back as Eli closed the hatch.

"I would've opened your door for you."

"I know Eli, but I'm fine."

Eli nodded, took my hand again, and led the three of us to a secluded area. Eli sat down against a tree, pulled me in between his legs, wrapped his arms around me in a warm embrace, and I laid my head against his chest. Jason sat next to us.

"So tell me how this all started."

"Alli had just left and it was the first day of middle school, I had gotten a paper cut and the pain felt good, which I knew wasn't normal, but I wanted more. I went to the bathroom and started to cut myself. I cried as I did and crying felt good. I was raised in a house where crying showed weakness and that if you cry with no reason you'll get a reason to cry, so I never cried."

Eli's embrace tightened a little.

"Lily walked in on me cutting my wrist with a compass and said she does that too, she took out a piece of glass and started to cut herself in front of me not caring if I saw or not. She took out another piece and gave it to me. I looked at her in confusion, she told me it was sterile and I put it away for safe keeping. I realized I had on short sleeves and Lily gave me a pair of arm warmers to put on so I didn't get in trouble. We became friends ever since.-"

"I met both girls at lunch time, they were giggling and laughing like nothing was wrong so I joined them and we instantly became best friends. We shared everything when I found out that both of the girls cut themselves I revealed my cuts too.-" Jason added

"Months later someone told the guidance counselor the three of us cut ourselves and we were placed in counseling every day after school." I shook my head at the memories and Eli held me and kissed my temple

"They classified the three of us and mentally unstable. We would break down in the middle of sessions much like Clare broke down today. We each figured out what the other needs, with Clare it was love and the since of belonging since neither one of her parents give a damn about her so to hugging her helps a lot, though she may seem like she's fine and blends in at school, she makes herself stand out a little because of her rebellious attitude at times. Clare is sweet and innocent at times, but she's not afraid to tell anyone off, she's pure, kind, gentle, and caring about other. Lily is her opposite, she's dangerous, she'll live in the moment not caring what happens to her, she only cares about those who she's extremely close to like Clare, if you hurt Clare in anyway Lily will physically hurt you, she's also sweet like Clare, but once you do something to make her mad you're done for her weakness is gripping her up by the shoulders, looking her in the eyes, and talking to her through your teeth, somehow feigning angry like that calms her down. Mine I don't let people calm me down I just run."

I looked up at Eli who seemed deep in thought.

"Are you ok?" I asked quietly

Eli nodded and embraced me tightly.

"One night when I was on the phone with Clare and Lily three way, she was in the living room telling us about a movie we should all go see together and her dad started yelling at her about some bullshit, I didn't hear much, but he was saying about how there was a small piece of paper on the floor she forgot to pick up and things escalated from there. I heard things being broken and stuff being thrown over said small piece of paper that he probably put off the floor. Clare hung up once she remembered Lil and I were still on the line. I called her back an hour later and her dad said he was standing over her body waiting for her to die, that she overdosed on something he threw at her. I of course yelled at him and told him to save her; in return he told me she wasn't worth saving and to let her die. I called the ambulance Clare was put on suicide watch after having her stomach pumped."

"I don't understand how a parent can be so horrible to their child." Eli stated sadly.

"I'm used to it now." I replied back softly.

"That's the thing Clare you shouldn't be used to it. Is that why you cut yourself?"

I nodded "Basically it helps me feel the pain that I put my parents through, it also allows me to feel since I block all my feelings to deal with life at home sometimes I go through the day without feeling anything at all."

"Clare you said your dad hasn't hit you at all, but Jason mentioned he threw things."

"Not at me."

"Technically he hasn't hit her. He went on a rampage one time and threw stuff in every direction and when Clare unknowingly walked in the door she got hit with a book Lil and I were on the phone with her at the time."

"I'm so sorry, but I promise to not let you go through this Clare-bear."

"Eli there's nothing you can do."

"I can try Clare; I'm not letting your life be a living hell."

I nodded knowing there's nothing I can say or do to make Eli think differently.

"Well I know where we are and I'm going to get some food." Jason said as he stood

"Need a ride?" Eli asked

"No."

I nuzzled myself against Eli.

"Please don't let me go" I mumbled

"I promise you I'll never let you go" Eli responded as he kissed my head

I nuzzled against Eli and fell asleep.

When I woke up I was in the back of Morty with Eli sleeping next to me and his arm was around me. I closed my eyes and drifted back off to sleep.

"Clare it's time to wake up" Eli cooed

"Mmm"

"Clare are you hungry?"

I shook my head.

"You don't eat much do you?"

"Huh?"

"Well sometimes you don't come to school with a lunch and when I take you to the Dot for lunch you only eat half a burger and some fries or you just eat a few cheese fries."

"I ate yesterday."

"A half a piece of pizza doesn't count as lunch, but you did eat a good dinner I'll give you that."

"If you're hungry we can go to my house and I'll cook for you."

Eli looked at me puzzled.

"No one's home." I stated.

Eli nodded "Ok."

We got out the back, went in the front seats, and Eli drove to my house.

Once we got inside Eli sat on the couch as I went into the kitchen. I checked the time and it was 3pm meaning school was out.

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked.

"Dinner?" Eli asked in shock.

"It's 3." I announced.

"Um I don't care."

"How about chicken fingers with macaroni and cheese, and some green beans, does that sound good?"

"Does that mean you're eating too?"

"Mmhmm"

"I'm going to call my mom to let her know I'll be here I'll be right back."

"Ok I'll cook."

I made dinner as Eli called his mom. By the time he was off the phone the food was almost done since it didn't take long to cook. We ate and talked, talking gave me time to know more about Eli. He comes from a loving family with supportive parents, opposite of what I have.

After eating we cleaned up the dinner mess, cuddled, and watched a movie. Eli left at 9:30 and I went to bed at ten.

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