"It's not in here," Gillian flicked through the first aide manual again, the pages fluttering over the tips of her fingers.
Cal emerged from the bathroom, one hand to his throat. His initial panic had died down now. There was barely anything to see. "I don't know what to tell you. It's probably a boil or somethin'."
Gillian, on the other hand, had her barely-holding-it-together-with-worry tone out. "That's not a boil Cal. You can't see the pus under the skin."
"Well then it's..." he climbed over her to sit on the bed. "I don't know what it is."
"What would cause a lump on your neck?"
"My voice changin'?"
"I'm glad you can joke about this," Gillian huffed and threw the book at him lightly.
"I'm not tryin' to joke. It's probably nothin'. I just had an annual check up. It was fine," Cal raised a hand in defence and the book fell between them.
"Go to the doctor and find out."
Cal thought about arguing the toss. It was probably nothing. Just a lump.
"Cal," Gillian's tone held a warning. She could probably guess he didn't think much of going to see a doctor. The appendicitis he'd had a few years ago was the biggest testament to that. "Promise me you'll go."
Again, he thought about telling her 'no'.
"Promise me!" She insisted. Her eyes widened slightly in fear.
"I'll call him first thing tomorrow."
"A lump on your neck is not normal Cal."
"I know," he admitted lying back on his pillows.
"It could be really serious."
"I know," Cal said again.
"I'm worried," she added in a softer voice.
"I know," Cal said opening his arm so she could lie against him. All right, all right, she was correct. It was scary and it made him feel nauseous. The last thing he should do is be blasé about it. They were supposed to be talking about their feelings and all that. Or trying to be closer, or trying to understand each other better. Or something. But it was the last thing he wanted to think about while trying to go so sleep that night so he invited her to sleep in his arms, to comfort the both of them. He would worry about it in the morning.
PJ
"Yeah Docta Lightman to see Docta Campbell."
"Today?"
"If possible."
"Is it urgent?"
"Not overly."
"Doctor Campbell is booked up today. I can make an appointment for you first thing tomorrow?"
'Then why ask me if I wanted to see him today?'
"Yeah tomorrow mornin' is fine."
The receptionist told him the appointment time and Cal entered it in his phone. He gingerly felt for the lump, as if it had magically disappeared after he had woken up and checked it was still there that morning. It was still there. And it still hurt when he pressed on it.
There was a knock on his office door. Doctor Roberts entered tentatively. "Good morning Doctor Lightman."
"Docta Roberts."
"Ria asked me to tell you she found Cameron Hicks."
"Oh right," Cal shoved his phone in his pocket. "That was fast."
"Got him on the first phone call."
"Where is he then?" Cal asked as he preceded Roberts out of his office doorway and then promptly forgot to listen for Roberts's response. Gillian had spotted him leaving and looked concerned. "I'll catch you up," Cal told Roberts as he crossed the hallway to his wife's office. Gillian came through her door. "Are you going out?"
"Yeah."
"To the doctor?" She started.
"Docta Roberts found Cameron Hicks," Cal covered, raising his voice a little, in case said doctor was hovering around behind him.
"Oh right."
"So I'll be an hour or so."
"But we had an appointment with the lawyer about those contracts," she said in a gentle reminder.
Another secret subject.
"Oh, yeah that."
"You forgot."
"No! I just, Hicks came up and I thought that I would have time for the lawya as well. When is she comin' in?"
"Half an hour."
"Well I might be back by then," Cal offered optimistically. Gillian didn't look appeased, in fact, she looked anxious. "If you want me to be there, darlin', then I can send Ria and Roberts out on their own."
"No it's ok, it's important for you to question Hicks and spend the time with Roberts."
"And you're my wife, it's also important for me to spend time with you when you need me," Cal lowered his voice and got a little closer; his words were just for her.
She gave a flicker of a smile.
"How about reschedulin'?" Cal suggested because quite frankly the idea of a meeting with their lawyer had him almost bored to tears just thinking about it and if he could post pone it a little longer that would be great.
"I can't. I had to lay it on thick to meet with her this morning."
"Right so..."
"Doctor Lightman?" Roberts approached where they were talking.
"One minute," Cal told him. He turned back to Gillian. "You're all right to do it then?"
"Sure," she gave a more confident flick of her hair.
Cal hid his enthusiasm well. No boring lawyer meeting. Perfect. "Just talk to her about what we talked about and you know, negotiate good and all that. I trust you Gill, you can do this."
She bit her lip a little and nodded.
"You're probably betta equipped to deal with all of this than I am anyway."
"Oh because I've done it before?" She accused lightly.
"That's exactly why."
Gillian took a deep breath and let it out. "Ok."
"All right," Cal turned to walk away.
Gillian's hand stopped him. "Did you call about that other thing?"
"Yeah. Tomorrow. First appointment I could get."
She nodded and let him go. And Cal strode away thinking their lives had become a very careful balancing act between Lewis, work, adopting a baby and a lump on his neck.
PJ
"Doctor Lightman, what can I help you with today?"
"I have a lump or somethin' on my neck." Saying the words made Cal feel nauseous. A wave of panic washed over him, leaving in its wake a cold sweat. Worst case scenario? The one he and Gillian weren't talking about, which went against everything they had been talking about in the last few weeks... Cancer. Cal didn't have a best case scenario worked out. Because his had been: bite, pimple, boil, in that order and Gillian dismissed them all easily by pointing out that the lump wasn't red. Which left Cal with cancer. It couldn't be cancer. He refused. It wasn't allowed. He could feel his heart beat in his throat. It felt ominous and mocking.
"Ok, let's take a look at it," Doctor Campbell gave a nod, kept his tone light and reached over to don latex gloves. Cal figured he had all ready jumped to a conclusion. Was it the same conclusion Gillian had jumped to? And Cal knew she had even though she hadn't said it aloud. Cal was directed to sit on the exam table.
"How have you been sleeping?"
"Fine," Cal responded.
"Eating ok?"
"Yep."
"Normal body functions?" Doctor Campbell pressed his fingers around the lump after Cal pointed out where it was. It was no bigger than the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil. "Does that hurt?"
"No," Cal answered without moving.
Doctor Campbell moved his hands around Cal's throat, pressing lightly to feel for any other anomalies. "Particularly stressed at the moment?" His hands moved all along Cal's jaw and under his ears.
"Not particularly," Cal answered honestly. Well, not right now. A few weeks ago sure. But not this instant.
"Any other complaints? Excessive tiredness? Sore throat?"
"Uh well, I have had a sore throat. I thought I was just gettin' a cold."
"Are you tired a lot?" Doctor Campbell's hands moved back to the lump. He asked the questions so casually it almost sounded like he was making polite conversation. Cal wondered if he was going to ask him about the upcoming NFL season.
"I have a two year old and a busy work life so I do feel tired but what's excessive?"
The doctor pressed on the lump and Cal flinched back in pain. "Did that hurt?"
"Yeah," Cal told him while fighting back a more sarcastic response. 'No shit Sherlock, why'd you think I just jumped a mile?'
Doctor Campbell went to retrieve a small light. "I just want to check in your mouth."
Cal opened it obediently. Doctor Campbell peered in, asked Cal to extend his tongue, and pulled back his lips to expose gum. Cal sat patiently while being manhandled around the mouth with a man whose fingers unfortunately tasted like rubber, thinking it was annoying the doctor didn't tell him what he thought was wrong. He probably wouldn't say either until right at the end. Why not just tell him right now that he was looking for... insert whatever here, because he thought it might be... insert whatever here.
"I'd like to do a nasal endoscopy."
"You want to stick a camera down my nose?"
"Yes. It's uncomfortable but relatively painless."
"What's that for then?"
Doctor Campbell looked him right in the eye. "It's too early for me to make a conclusion at this stage. That's why I want to do the examination."
"Neva asked you to lie to me Doc. Tell me what you're thinkin'."
Doctor Campbell tucked the flashlight into his top pocket. He gave Cal an open expression; kind hazel eyes. "It could be a tumour."
"Cancer."
"It's too soon to tell at this stage. At this point I can only speculate that there is a mass. Not all tumours are cancerous."
"Right. When do you wanna do this test then?"
"We can do it now if you would prefer? It's really a simple procedure."
"All right," Cal agreed. Heart in throat, stomach in diaphragm, lungs uncooperative, legs weak; he was freaking out.
Doctor Campbell got a nurse to move Cal into another room. He was asked to lie down and relax (yeah right) while the equipment was set up. Cal was given an anaesthetic spray while he wished they would just put him under. He didn't really want to remember the sensation of a tube being shoved through his nose into the back of his throat. And he wished Gillian was there to hold his hand. He wasn't scared or anything, he just wanted the comfort, he was a little bit nervous.
Cal was surprised, the endoscope was a lot smaller than he thought it was going to be. He could barely feel it and he did manage to relax a little after he got over the image of those people who could snort spaghetti up their noses only to have it dangle down the back of their throat. Yeah, once he stopped thinking about that he relaxed and listened to the rhythmic hum of the machinery working. Every so often Doctor Campbell would tap keys on the computer he was screening the image on. It took less than ten minutes.
"So?" Cal asked as he sat up again. He felt a little lightheaded so took a steadying breath.
Doctor Campbell showed him one of the images he had taken. "There's definitely a mass on the glottis region." He pointed out the growth with the edge of the fingernail on his pinky finger.
"What's that again?"
"Your vocal chords." He pointed those out too.
"Right."
Campbell had an open face. He was an easy read. But while he was to the point he wasn't callous. He gave Cal a moment to let that sink in. He pulled up a stool on wheels. "So what we're going to do next is get you in for a biopsy. We can make the appointment for you here but you'll have to go up to the hospital. We'll want to act on this quickly to determine if the tumour is benign or malignant."
"Right," Cal said again.
"Is there someone I can call for you? Would you prefer to be alone?"
"I," Cal started and realised he didn't know what he wanted. He was aware only of his heart beating too hard. Well, that wasn't true, number one on his list of things he wanted was for this to be not happening. He shoved the associated thoughts aside. "I think I'll just give my wife a call and then go home."
Campbell nodded. "Call if you have questions. Any time."
"Yep," Cal acknowledge. There was a knock on the door of the exam room and a nurse appeared with an appointment card. She gave it to Doctor Campbell and then left again. "The appointment is with Doctor Sam George for tomorrow."
"All right," Cal found himself numbly responding. He took the card, tucked it into his wallet without looking at it and got up, following Doctor Campbell out of the door and back into the hallway. The doctor offered Cal his hand, shook and wished him luck. Cal thanked him, paid and left. In his car he reached for his phone. There was a missed call from Loker. Cal rang him back first.
"I just wanted to let you know we're heading downtown to talk to the business partner."
"I'll meet you there," Cal told him.
"Hey are you ok? You sound like you've got a cold."
"Somethin' like that," Cal responded and hung up. The he rang Gillian. For the sake of open communication; when what he really wanted to do was crawl into a hole for a little while. He realised his palms were sweating. He wiped them, one at a time, on his jeans.
"How'd it go?" She answered straight to the point.
"Um very informative. Loke-a rang so I'm gonna go meet him and Roberts and then I'll uh, I'm gonna go for a walk before I head back to the office." Because he really needed some time to put his thoughts straight again.
"But I have to go and pick up Lewis." She paused. Cal wondered if she wanted him to say something. "So I'll just see you at home?"
"All right."
"Are you ok? You sound hoarse."
"Yeah they stuck a tube down my throat."
"What for? Cal?"
He listened to the pitch rise in her voice: worry. It waivered around her words and he knew she was fighting to stay in control when her first reaction was to probably burst into tears.
"Tell me. What did the doctor say?"
"He didn't say much. Just did a test and I need to go for more tests tomorrow. And I'd really prefer to talk to you about this when I see you. If that's all right."
There was a lengthy silence. Cal waited. When Gillian spoke again, she was more in control.
"Ok. Then I'll see you tonight."
"All right luv. Love you."
"Love you too."
Cal turned the car around and headed further into the city. He let Roberts and Loker take the lead on the interview but monitored it to make sure they didn't over look anything. He told them he had somewhere else to be for half an hour, checking his watch to make sure that was enough time for Gillian to have left to pick Lewis up from day care. He drove to the river and parked his car. He stripped off his jacket and threw it on to the seat along with his phone. He was going to take a walk in the early autumn sunshine and he was going to think his arse off and then he could go back to reality.