author's notes: look at me, keeping my promise to update in the weekend :) i hope you all liked the surprise preview earlier this week, and i hope you all like the new chapter! super-special to every single one of you that has been leaving me comments, i really love hearing your thoughts on this story. please read & review!

setting: right after 1x14, goes AU from there.

disclaimer: fic•tion [fíksh'n]: literary works of imagination

MALUM DISCORDIAE (apple of discord)

chapter 13: beyond redemption

1869

He feels stupid doing this, sneaking into a house where he could easily walk through the front door and no one would question him about it. But something inside him is ashamed, feels guilty, and is afraid, too. He's avoiding his brother by sneaking in through the window like this; if Damon ever found out what he was leaving the house for at night he would never hear the end of it. And in a way he's avoiding Amelia as well; he has no idea how she would react. Would she be angry and tell him this is not what he is? Stefan has long since realised that she might not be like other vampires, but she has her pride about exactly what she is.

He's just hauled both his feet inside the window when he turns. "Animal blood can sustain you, you know," Amelia's voice dooms up out of nowhere. Even his vampire eyes have trouble discerning her form in the dimly lit room. He doesn't know what to say to her; he's not used to her coming into his room. She's been looking out for them for five years now, and he can't be more grateful, but he's equally grateful for the space she gives him and his brother. "I assume that's what you've been sneaking out to do?"

"Damon..." he starts, because that's his only real reason. He can see Amelia understanding given enough time, but Damon, no, not Damon. His brother would laugh at him, call him a pathetic excuse for a vampire, and truthfully, that's exactly how he feels right now. But he can't hear that from Damon. Not ever.

"Damon is too wrapped up in his own world to notice anything," Amelia answers, and takes a step out of the shadows. Her red hair looks black in the light of the chandelier. "But he will, in time." After only five years, Amelia seems to know his brother the way he does. Only now, she understands the demon part of him better, something he himself never will. He refuses to.

"He won't let me live it down."

"I imagine he won't," Amelia says, and looks at him carefully. She cares for him too, perhaps as deeply as she does for Damon, even though sometimes he is left to wonder if she only took him in because Damon and him are related. "I'll keep it in check." But she's always looking out for him, both of them. Stefan goes to his knees on the floor. Amelia closes the distance between them, going to her knees in front of Stefan, and places a hand on his shoulder. "This is nothing to be ashamed of, Stefan."

"I can't..." he shakes his head, tears stinging his eyes. The animal blood sustains him, yes, but it doesn't do away with the guilt, it doesn't soothe the hurt he feels over having killed humans after he first turned; his father, that girl he'd found in town – they're all screaming in his head, crying, judging. "Emily told me my heart was pure. That that would be my curse."

"I'm sorry," Amelia says immediately, her pity for him both touching and disgusting. He knows he can't blame her, because in the end she's not the one who turned him; that was Katherine, the woman his brother loved still, always. But he hates what he is, he hates what Amelia and Damon are; they are monsters, and he's been feeling the full extent of what it means to be one for a long time now. How could Emily have known? "I'm so sorry," Amelia repeats, and squeezes his shoulder.

"How do you do it?" he cries, hands on either side of his head, pulling at his hair. He wants to feel pain, he needs something physical to shut out the voices, the hurt, cancel out the horror of so many lives lost at his own hands. "How do you shut out the guilt?" Stefan shakes his head and looks up at Amelia, begging her to give him the answers he already has. He knows what he has to do. He has to shut out his emotions.

"I was born in a time of war, Stefan," Amelia answers, and her words stir something deep inside of him. She's never once spoken about her past, or about her human life. Sometimes – and this was particularly hard to admit or accept – he's forced to see exactly how perfect an existence this is for Damon and Amelia. He wonders if Amelia has ever considered him as obsolete. "I'm an animal," Amelia adds, looking at him as he imagines a mother would look at her son. "And my heart was never pure to begin with." So many truths, so many concessions in those few lines. Something inside his chest aches. Is this her guilt he's feeling now too?

"And Damon?" he asks, "Why does he get to..."

"Your brother is an entirely different kind of animal." Amelia sits down on the floor beside him, and for a single moment he thinks about just how unladylike it is. But he pushes that thought away entirely when he meets Amelia's eyes again. A mother's gaze. How can she believe she's an animal? a monster? in any way like Damon, even if she created him? "If this is what you need to make it in this ridiculous existence, then don't let anything stop you." He wants to ask her how old she is, but he doesn't. He knows she won't answer. "Not me. Not the thought of Katherine. And least of all your brother."

NOW

He hadn't understood what hit him when Damon had first told him about Amelia's death. Despair. Guilt. Loss. He'd felt it once before, an emotion quite similar to that one; when he'd lost his mother. He was only five, his brother ten, but the loss was cavernous, like something had been ripped away somewhere crucial and he couldn't breathe, he was drowning in tears and sorrow and his brother's lanky arms around him. That's what he'd felt when he believed Amelia to be dead, another mother ripped away from him before her time, before he was ready to let her go. What exactly had his brother thought he'd lost? Not a mother, that's for sure.

"Are you okay?" he hears Elena's voice behind him.

He's not sure if he's okay. The empty feeling inside him has subsided, filled with a new hope and a ravenous wish to help Amelia out, free her from the Council's claws, have her back in his life, or simply just the knowledge of her being safe. Alive. He'd always thought of himself in terms of dead, humans alive; he'd always thought a vampire's true death would lead them to an even darker, more evil place. Maybe now he could ask Amelia if that's true. "I don't like feeling powerless," he answers Elena, and feels her arms sneaking around his waist.

"You'll get her back," Elena says, leaning her head against his shoulder. The room goes silent for long moments, Elena and him staring out blankly in front of them. He can't save Amelia by himself, nor can Damon take that risk. They'll have to rely on Alaric Saltzman to help them out. If it's true that Jonathan Gilbert knows what they are, he suspects him nor his brother will get very close. Still, relying on a human, the same human that would prefer them all dead, seems like taking an awfully big risk. But he knows it's a choice Amelia would make, blindly so perhaps.

"What's wrong?" Stefan asks when he notices Elena chewing her bottom lip. He's been so preoccupied with his own concerns, his own life, that he feels he's been neglecting Elena.

"Do you think..." Elena hesitates, and looks up at him carefully. She turns in his arms and faces him, unsure of whether or not she should utter her worry. Stefan has enough to think about already. But she has to ask him, because her fear is gripping her tightly. "Do you think Damon hurt someone?" she asks.

Stefan knows the question isn't too far-fetched. After all, Damon had tried to kill Alaric just under half an hour ago, and his brother had told them Alaric wasn't even the one wielding the stake. But would Damon sink that low? Stupid question, Stefan thinks, of course his brother would go there. Damon's hurting, still. He waited for Katherine for a century and a half. What wouldn't he do for Amelia now? "You're worried about Jeremy," Stefan says, and Elena nods. He leans in, and presses a firm kiss to her lips, his hands on her face. "Go find him," he whispers.

Elena grabs her coat and her bag and is out of the house in no time. Stefan can hear her car starting and driving down the road. Bonnie had left ten minutes ago; being around an angry Damon was making her feel uncomfortable, despite being so brave and standing up to him earlier.

He's still staring at the door when Damon rushes by, in the process of putting on his jacket before leaving the house.

"Where are you going?" Stefan asks.

Damon halts in his tracks abruptly, spins on his heels and walks over to him, looking at him as if he's asked him the strangest question in the world. Isn't it obvious, little brother, Damon's eyes spell out. "I'm going to find Amelia," he says.

On the sofa, Alaric gets up. "You can't just storm in there and take her," he says.

"Why not?" Damon asks, staring at the history teacher over Stefan's shoulder. What is he still doing here? Any minute spend in his presence is a further insult to Amelia, and he won't have that, no matter what.

"Damon," Stefan interferes, noticing the animosity in the room rising again, and to be honest, he can hardly blame his brother at this point. But this isn't the way. "Amelia is doing this to keep us safe, to make sure the Council doesn't find out what we are. We have to respect that."

"Then what do you suggest I do?" Damon looks at Stefan, his eyes unforgiving. If Stefan didn't know any better – did he know better? – he'd say his brother was shaking? So it's true then, he really does love her. There are few people on this planet Damon would do this for. "Sit around and let him take care of things?"

"Yes." It pains him to say it, to have to say it to someone who cares for Amelia perhaps even more than he does himself, or just differently, but it's too dangerous for them to do it. They don't know what precautions the Council has taken; they know about the vervain, they have a poison that can kill them, what else could they have in store?

"Are we seriously expected to trust this guy?" Damon sneers, and takes a menacing step towards him. "That stake was meant for me, Stefan." Damon's eyes are dark, yet begging him to see eye to eye with him now. Can't he see that this unites them? It was never their love for Katherine, Damon hated him too much for being the one she turned, no, it was their love for Amelia, in whatever form it came. This is what he lives for now.

"Yes, it was," Alaric says, his hands balling into fists. "And do you want to know why?"

Stefan turns fast, looking at Alaric; he wants to shake his head but that would tip off his brother. He can't seriously think he can say this to Damon now? "You know what, yeah, I would," Damon says, and walks past Stefan, into the living room. "What is your problem with me?" Damon asks. "Besides the obvious."

Alaric takes a deep breath, ignoring the warning looks Stefan is throwing him. "You killed my wife," Alaric says gravely.

It takes exactly three of Alaric's heartbeats for Damon to speak again. "What?" he snaps, his eyes narrowing on the history teacher's face.

"Isobel Flemming," Alaric continues. The name is too familiar. "I saw you, while you fed on her. You took her from me." Like you took Vicky! Damon hears Jeremy yell inside his head, an accusation of pain caused and perhaps a humanly naive attempt to get him to back down. "That's why I was going to kill you. For what you took from me." Like you took Jeremy! he hears a future Elena shout at him, tears running down her cheeks, Stefan holding her back. What would Amelia think of him once she found out?

"Then why are you here?" Damon asks, effortlessly keeping his voice steady. It hurts, yes it hurts, like a fist curling around his heart, but he won't let anything come in the way of getting Amelia back. Even if she chooses to judge him, even if she condemns him; she knows he's not one for following the rules. Not even her rules. "Why are you helping us?"

"Because Jonathan Gilbert and the Council don't stand a chance against those vampires, and you know it," Alaric says, staring at him hard. He's taking a leap of faith here, trusting Amelia, and by extension trusting Stefan and the man who killed his wife, but what other choice does he have? The tomb vampires will have this town destroyed. "You and Amelia do." She's the most powerful vampire he's ever met, and if Emily's spell is still protecting her there's no telling what she could do. "I'm not doing this for you, Damon."

"And what makes you think we'd help?" Stefan asks suddenly. Even he can see that expecting Amelia to help after he tried to kill her and his brother, is asking a lot of a vampire that shows humans more mercy than they sometimes deserve. He suspects that Amelia's shoulder wound he'd seen prior to her heading to the forest was caused by Alaric. Amelia had obviously shown him mercy once, what made him believe he'd earn that from her again?

"I don't," Alaric says, and finally looks away from Damon. "But Amelia will. And where Amelia goes, you follow."

Damon laughs, but knows he's probably right.

"Where's Elena?" Damon frowns and looks around. He's gotten used to having her nose around in their business.

"She went to look for Jeremy," Stefan says, crossing his arms over his chest. He's not entirely sure, but he thinks he sees Damon flinch. "She thinks you might have hurt him." He would have gone with her, except he sees Damon capable of ripping Alaric to pieces yet; it's best he keeps an eye on his brother. Damon turns around slowly, too slowly, and Stefan realises Damon had entered the house with blood all over his chin and neck; he'd cleaned up since then. "Damon, what did you do?" Stefan asks when Damon stays silent. He'd expected him to make a snide comment about Elena's little brother.

"I killed him," Damon answers, not once taking his eyes off Stefan.

It's like he gets the wind knocked out of him. "You what?" Stefan leaps forward, grabbing Damon by the shoulders. "Damon, are you insane? He's Elena's brother!" he shouts, but all Damon does is avoid his eyes. So he does feel something, Stefan thinks, but apparently not enough to stop himself from killing Jeremy. How could he have ever thought his brother would change, or deserved redemption in any way? He was a monster, impure and undeserving. He should have just let him rot in that bed after he opened the tomb and found it devoid of Katherine.

"He had Amelia's blood in his system."

The words hit Damon and Stefan like lightning striking. Damon turns towards Alaric in slow-motion it seems, the rock inside his chest aching, bleeding, judging. Stefan is out of the house without having to think about it. He has to find Jeremy before Elena does.

"You see now, Damon?" Alaric asks, watching the vampire in front of him slump his shoulders. Is this the only victory he'll get? Watching Damon break down piece by piece until there's only a shell of him left? He's not sure that's enough. "How much grief you cause?"

Damon hears the words as if they come from his brother's mouth. But it hurts as if they come from Amelia's.

1869

He's shouting fire and brimstone at his brother when Amelia comes home. She must have heard them from miles away, but still she takes her time in the hallway, taking off her cloak, her gloves, her hat. The room is silent when Amelia finally makes it into the den. They'd rented this house legitimately; Amelia had told them in order to avoid detection, they best stick to at least some human rules. Amelia takes in the scene in front of her silently; Stefan curled up in the corner in the same state he'd been in a few nights ago when she'd found him in his room; a dead human body staining the carpet.

"Damon," Amelia starts calmly, having learned there are several ways of approaching Damon. "What are you doing? I told you..."

Damon rolling his eyes stops her short. "Oh come on, not with the rules again!" he sighs, and looks at Amelia. Even after all these years, her presence exudes a power over him; he's not sure that's because she created him, or because he's attracted to her. Maybe it's both. But she's been holding him back from the beginning, something Katherine never would have done. "We're vampires, Amelia. when are you gonna start living a little? We can do whatever we want!"

"Like this?" she asks, and throws him the newspaper she'd been holding until now. He sighs and looks down at the front page, the main article about people disappearing, animal attacks. Of course Amelia would know this was his doing. "I told you not to kill anyone, Damon. Not when we're in small towns, and don't you try lying to me." He wouldn't dare lie to her. "There's a reason I have these rules. It keeps up alive."

In the corner, Stefan snickers, right before cradling his head in his hands again.

"Like he's keeping himself alive? Guilt eating at him." Damon sneers and points at his brother. Pathetic, he thinks, how did they ever get here? Stefan is the one that had convinced him to choose this existence, who Katherine had chosen to be like her, and this is how he repaid her? By turning into this sobbing mess of a vampire. "Did you know he turned vegetarian?" he turns to Amelia again.

"Your brother made a choice. You should respect that," Amelia answers. She knows and she approves? How can she just accept this, after watching how Stefan brought that girl in the meadow, practically forcing him to feed on her? And now Amelia was just going to accept that? Whatever happened to being proud of what they are? "I think it's time you make yours as well," Amelia adds, her eyes once again falling on the dead young woman in their living room.

"Excuse me?" Damon's eyes go wide and then narrow on Amelia's face conspicuously. What is she trying to say to him?

In the corner of the room, Stefan wails.

"I'm not going to keep cleaning up your messes," Amelia answers, talking to him as if he is a child. She doesn't always use that voice on him, she knows how to handle him too well, but right now condescension sounds through clearly in her tone. Maybe she's had enough of him. Is she choosing his brother over him, like Katherine had? "Either you abide by my rules or you don't. And in that case you have no business in this house."

"You're kicking me out?" Damon's eyes darken. Something inside him aches and turns rebellious at the same time, because he's attached to her, but he needs to be free to live his life as well. Can't she see that? "And you're keeping him? Who do you think you are?"

Amelia has him pinned against the wall before he's properly finished speaking. He's noticed she only uses force when she's annoyed at him, and trying to make something very clear. "I'm the vampire that created you and has been keeping you alive for the past five years." Yes, he does know that, how can he not when he feels their connection always, even when she's not in the room? "I can do whatever I want, but I choose to protect little brats like you instead." Amelia's spoken often of these rules, but never once had Katherine mentioned them, and she'd been teaching him everything.

"That's no way to treat your son, mommy." Damon knows he's testing her patience now. Amelia's eyes flare with fire, but she keeps quiet. Maybe she does know him. Maybe she knows to just let him say it, to just let him get off his chest whatever he's feeling. This is how it's going to be, Amelia choosing Stefan as well.

He turns, and walks away, leaving his brother to live a life he has no care for, leaving Amelia to clean up his last mess.

It'll be seven years until they see each other again.

NOW

Her heart is pounding hard in her chest, a fist trying to break free from its confines. What if Damon hurt Jeremy? What if Damon killed Jeremy? Would he do that to her after everything they've been through? But she knows the answer to that all too well; of course Damon is capable of hurting Jeremy, despite him being her brother, despite him erasing Jeremy's memories once upon a time. And now, with having believed Amelia to be dead, taken from him by Alaric and her brother, what wouldn't he do now?

"Jeremy!" she shouts as soon as she storms through the front door. Will he be upstairs? Should she call Stefan to come help him? Would Stefan leave Damon alone in the house with Alaric? She's not sure even she would make that choice. "Jeremy!"

"Elena?" Jenna pops into the hallway from the kitchen, and frowns at her. "How did you...?" she starts, but shakes her head. "I'm going crazy."

The implications of Jenna's words dawn on Elena slowly. "What do you mean?" she asks carefully.

"I could have sworn you were already upstairs with your uncle John."

"Uncle..." Elena breathes, but doesn't wait to finish her sentence. She rushes upstairs, conquering two steps at a time, and stops short when she sees her uncle lying on her bedroom floor, a pool of blood circling him. "Oh my God," she exasperates. Was this Damon's doing? No, it can't be, it had to have been Katherine. But why? John drawing in a sudden breath snaps Elena out of her thoughts. Of course, the Gilbert ring, just like Bonnie had said. "Uncle John," Elena says, closing the door so that Aunt Jenna won't hear anything, and goes to her knees next to her uncle.

"Elena?" John asks, shaking his head.

"It's me," Elena answers, just to make sure that her uncle knows Katherine is gone. What was she doing here in the first place? Getting revenge? Then why was her Aunt Jenna alright, and not her Uncle? Did he know about Katherine as well? "What happened? Where's Jeremy?" Elena asks, because that's her first – and for the moment – only priority. "Damon said he'd..." but she can hardly utter her suspicions to her uncle.

"He's not home yet?" John asks, and staggers up from the floor. His shirt is a deep bloody red, but he seems to be fine.

"No." Elena looks at him worriedly. "Are you going to be alright?" she asks.

"You don't seem surprised to see me," John says, and she looks at him slowly. She forgot she's not supposed to know yet that he's in town, that he's keeping Amelia prisoner and knows about Stefan and Damon. Does he know that she's dating Stefan too? "But then you know exactly how long I've been in town, don't you? Tell me, how are Stefan and Damon?" He's taunting her. Why? "There's no need to pretend anymore, Elena. I know you know."

She's never liked her uncle very much; for all his talk about family pride and loyalty, he's not been around much in the past few years. He'd come down for the funeral, but had left almost immediately after. He didn't even remind her of her dad in any way, they were two different people. Just like Stefan and Damon were. Why is he acting all familiar now? Does he know what he's taken from Stefan? Does he know what Damon was capable of when someone he loved was threatened? "Amelia's done nothing wrong," Elena says.

"She's a vampire, Elena." He doesn't even try to sugar-coat it. "She must die. And so must Stefan and Damon." At any given moment she would find herself arguing with her uncle, with anyone, about how Stefan is different, hell, even Amelia was different, but not now, not here, not when her brother is out there somewhere and she doesn't know what's happened to him.

"I have to go find Jeremy."

"I can take care of that," John spews, clearly displeased with her. "I'll have the Sheriff dispatch some units." But what if the sheriff finds Jeremy and he tells them what Damon did? She doesn't care much for Damon at this point, but exposing him could mean exposing Stefan. And that can't happen. She needs to get to her brother first.

"He's my brother," Elena says, opening the door again, and pushing past her uncle. If he thinks that she'll just sit here and do nothing, he's very much mistaken. Whatever happened to family having to stick together?

John grabs her by the arm before she makes it out the door. "Not your real brother," he says, voice low and threatening. His words are a slap to the face; is that it? She's not a real part of this family so she has no right to feel for any of them?

"What?" Her eyes go wide. "How do you know about that?"

"Same way Jenna did," he lies, but he can't tell her the truth just yet. He can't tell her he's her father. "But that doesn't matter. Isobel is..."

"You know my birth mother?" Elena asks immediately. She only knew the name, and that she could be Alaric's wife. Does this mean it's a different Isobel? because last time she heard Alaric's wife was dead. Or worse, does this mean her birth mother is a vampire too?

"I know a lot of things you don't, Elena." Her uncle avoids answering her question. "About this family, this town." About Amelia? Elena wonders, but at the word family her thoughts turn to Jeremy again. She has to find him. "I know what Stefan and Damon are," John adds.

"Why are you telling me this?" Elena tries to keep her calm, but her uncle is still holding her arm and it doesn't seem like he's going to let go any moment soon.

"I don't know how they managed to survive the poison I had put in the water supply," John starts, and Elena's heart drops. Stefan was poisoned by her own uncle. How could he do that to her? "... but mark my words. If they get in my way, I'll be forced to take steps."

Elena believes him.

He's in the dark. It's a deep-set and tight-packed black around and in him. It's almost as if it's alive; there's waves as black as the next one but he can make them out clear and distinct. They're hugging him everywhere, covering his eyes, pulsing in his eardrums, penetrating to where something used to beat. He's one with it, he is it. How is that possible? He doesn't understand what's happening to him.

There's not a sound and there's every sound, not a smell and every smell; a thick hazy delicious smell, pulsing like rivers underneath something human and fragile. He craves it.

When he wakes up, he remembers. Damon attacking him, telling him impossible things, his teeth... Jeremy grabs for his neck, and his hands are a bloody red when he looks at them. But there's no wound. How is that even possible? Did he imagine things? He couldn't have been dreaming, because there's the blood and he's in the same alleyway. What if... no, oh, no.

if you can, please let me know what you think!