author's notes: my God, school has been kicking my ass so hard! this chapter was mostly written in class, but i like how it turned out (wouldn't be posting otherwise). hope you all like it as well, thank you so much for all your reviews/comments, you guys rock my world and give me the strength to keep going!

setting: right after 1x14, goes AU from there.

disclaimer: fic•tion [fíksh'n]: literary works of imagination

MALUM DISCORDIAE

chapter 17: ourselves and immortality

Too many things have happened in the last couple of days for her to wrap her mind around them properly. Sheriff Forbes clutches her hands around the wheel tightly, trying hard not to recollect the talk she had with Mayor Lockwood earlier, but it's difficult not to run through the conversation again. He'd called her as incompetent as her derelict daughter; the words had stung, and him insulting Caroline had send her into her own ravings about how Tyler Lockwood wasn't exactly a poster boy for this town. By the time they were done shouting, pulled apart by Carol Lockwood, they weren't even talking about Amelia anymore.

Safe to say, so far she wasn't having the best day. She rubs the back of her head when she gets out of the car, her skull still sore from where Amelia had knocked it into the wall. She can't believe she let this get away from her; they finally had a chance to get solid information about the tomb vampires. How had Amelia broken free? the Mayor had inquired, but the sheriff didn't have anything remotely resembling an answer to that. By the time she had left Damon in the main hall and made her way back to the room they were keeping Amelia, the two deputies outside the door had been knocked out. But then what was Amelia still doing inside the room? Why had she not fed on her deputies? Where had she gotten the bag of blood she was consuming when she herself entered the room?

One thing had become clear when she'd regained consciousness: someone had helped Amelia escape. Could it have been one of the tomb vampires? There is even one scenario, that had popped up when Mayor Lockwood had asked her exactly what she was doing while Amelia was escaping, that had send her mind reeling. Was Damon a distraction? She's turning the idea over and over in her head as she makes her way towards the Salvatore boarding house. No, she thinks, not Damon; he's done so much for them, helped them, saved her life. And he'd been genuinely angry at Amelia for deceiving him. Still, by the time she rings the doorbell and hears footsteps coming closer, it's like her entire world has been turned upside down.

It's Damon that opens the door. "Liz," he says, seemingly surprised to see her. "What can I do for you?" Her worries are instantly gone when she lays eyes on him, once again offering her a helping hand. But that's not exactly why she's here.

"It's Amelia," the sheriff answers, looking at him sternly. "She's escaped."

Damon's eyes grow wide, and he takes a step outside, half-closing the door behind him. The sheriff figures he probably doesn't want Elena or Stefan to hear this; she's noticed Elena's car parked in the driveway. "She what?" Damon asks, shaking his head in question, and crosses his arms over his chest. "How is that even possible?"

"I don't know," she half-lies; it's true that she knows that someone helped Amelia escape, but she has no idea who that person is. "She managed to cut herself free somehow."

"Did anyone get hurt?" Damon asks.

"No." She had found it rather curious; if Amelia had been helped by one of the tomb vampires wouldn't they have left a pile of dead bodies in their wake? "If she shows up here—" can she really ask Damon to keep his cool around Amelia? Jonathan Gilbert had made it perfectly clear that he wanted Amelia alive; if she had to believe him she was the only one who could lead them to where the other vampires were hiding.

"You think that's a possibility?" Damon frowns. "I mean, if she's smart she's skipped town by now."

The same thought had already crossed her mind. Now that she's exposed, Amelia has no reason to stick around. "I know. Damn it," the sheriff curses. "The mayor's all over my ass, and when Jonathan Gilbert finds out— I screwed up."

"Hey, you can't blame yourself." Damon takes a step towards her, and puts a hand on her shoulder. "She's a vampire, and she was good. She fooled all of us."

She's reminded suddenly that out of all of them, Damon had been fooled the most. She can't help but wonder if Damon ever had any real feelings for Amelia; she has a hard time picturing that. "How are you holding up?" she asks, because truthfully, Damon looks horrible, his clothes dishevelled.

"Oh, me?" Damon's eyes brighten, almost as if he can command them to. "I'm fine," he shrugs, and smiles a crooked grin. "You know me, Liz. I always bounce right back." She hears what Damon says loud and clear, but something tells her it's not quite true; he seems too quiet, the whole house ominously silent. It's almost as if some sort of grief has seeped into the architecture, Damon included.

"Sheriff Forbes," she hears behind her suddenly. The sheriff half-turns, and Bonnie joins her and Damon on the front porch.

"Bonnie," the sheriff says. "Are you here to see Elena?"

"Yeah," Bonnie nods, and stares down at her feet.

The sheriff notices how Damon looks at Bonnie, his eyes narrowing, but he keeps whatever he's thinking to himself. "Watch your back, okay?" the sheriff adds, looking at Damon strongly, and turns to walk away.

"Will do," Damon calls after the sheriff, moving back to open the door for Bonnie. "Elena's downstairs," he tells her, but stays outside himself; Amelia had asked him to run a little errand, and he'll grasp at any straw to get out of the house for a while, especially now that the little judgemental witch has joined them too. Bonnie stays silent in Damon's presence. That in itself is judgement.

Bonnie doesn't know what to think when Damon tells her Elena is downstairs; Elena had told her that there's a cell down there that had once served to lock up Damon. What would Elena be doing there now? She descends the small set of stairs hurriedly, finding Elena on a chair outside the cell door, her face buried in the palms of her hands. "Elena," she says, and walks over to her friend fast. "What's going on?"

Her heart falls when Elena looks up at her, her eyes completely tear-shot. Last time she saw Elena like this was when Stefan was dying. Now, Stefan comes out of the cell when she reaches Elena, and closes the door behind him. "He killed him, Bonnie," Elena cries, tears streaming down her cheeks. Bonnie has no idea what she's talking about, but clutches her arms around Elena in a tight hug. "Damon killed Jeremy."

"What?" Bonnie frowns to herself, looking at Stefan over Elena's shoulder in question. But all Stefan does is cast down his eyes; it tells her more than she cares to know. "Oh my God," she exclaims, wrapping her arms around her friend in protection. "How could Damon do that?" she asks, shaking her head, not once taking her eyes off Stefan. He knows that part of Bonnie will never trust him, despite his undying love for Elena, but his connection to Damon will never endear him to her. He can't even blame her for that a little bit.

Stefan decides it's better he leaves Bonnie and Elena alone for a while; Bonnie is Elena's best friend and will know exactly what Elena needs right now. Part of him wants to be able to know that about her without having to learn it, but Elena has already lost so much in the past. And now, it's his past that caught up with them. He realises now, in these moments, how very much he does carry Damon's guilt. Perhaps even more than his brother does.

And as if that wasn't enough to realise already, he runs into Amelia upstairs, making her way through the hallway; she has a bag of blood in her hands. Stefan knows it's meant for Jeremy. He knows that Jeremy has to make a choice, that he'd already spoken against becoming one of them, so what is Amelia doing? He refuses to think that she's feeling the same conflict he is: he can't let Jeremy turn into the monster he is, but how can he allow Jeremy to die?

"Where's Damon?" Stefan asks, making conversation that he'd rather avoid, but silence at this point would be rude, and well, he will always owe Amelia so many things. If not his guilt, then at least some semblance of a human soul.

"Getting my stuff out of my car," Amelia answers, turning the bag of blood over in her hand. She knows that Damon doesn't mind the time away from this entire situation; she knows it's no different for Stefan, who doesn't need his brother around right now. She would have gone with Damon, because she can imagine Stefan doesn't particularly want to see her either, but with the whole town on the lookout for her, Amelia is safer indoors.

Stefan is suddenly reminded of the events that led them there, how worried he had been about Amelia's wellbeing not a day before, how much pain he'd felt over the news of her death. And then something inside him mellows, because Amelia isn't Damon, she's not the vampire Damon or he is, she's a mentor and a confidant, and something so very close to the mother he had long since lost in his human life. He takes a breath, and looks at her. "I'm glad to see you're alright," he says. What would he do without her?

"What would you have done to Damon if I hadn't been?" It's like she reads his mind. Is she trying to rile him up? Does she want him angry at his brother? He's not a match for his brother, he's always known that, but if Amelia hadn't stopped him, it would have turned into an ugly fight.

"He killed Jeremy." He doesn't say it. He can't say it.

"I am as much to blame for that as Damon is," Amelia says, and takes a step closer to him. So that's it, she wants him to pass judgement on her as well, to place the blame with her as well as Damon. "It was my blood in his system." But she had done that to save Jeremy's life. How can he blame her for acting out on perhaps the one human impulse still alive inside her?

"You're not the one who killed him," Stefan insists.

"If it hadn't been for me he really would be dead." No, Stefan thinks, Amelia won't convince him that she's the bad guy here. It's easier to blame Damon. It's easier to blame someone outside of himself. But he brought this into Elena's life. Maybe in the end he's the one to blame; he knows that kind of logic burned his mind not too long after he turned. The curse of his pure heart. "But then I suppose you'd prefer that," Amelia adds, her words landing so hard that he reacts to them immediately.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he snaps, shaking with anger and confusion. What does that mean? What do any of his choices mean to Amelia or Elena, or even Jeremy, now? "Elena is..."

"Everything," Amelia fills in the word that Damon had once used to describe his attachment to Katherine. "I know that," Amelia nods, and understands completely. She knows the conflict of being a vampire. "And I've never questioned that." No, she hasn't, Stefan thinks, but what is she trying to say? "But you have. Many times." What is the meaning? Stefan can't help but wonder what Amelia hopes to gain from this. Is she trying to say that the choice is not his, and never will be Elena's, but Jeremy's only? Yes. "I know that if you could go back to 1864 and make that choice again, you would choose death."

Yes, of course he would. In a heartbeat. And yet, whatever part of him that's selfish and stupid and intrinsically connected to his seventeen-year old forever-state knows he'd have problems deciding again, knowing what he knows now. Knowing about Elena. "You're saying you wouldn't?" Stefan asks, because he can't help but think they're both reaching some sort of truth. "You would have chosen this?" He staggers a step closer to Amelia.

Amelia looks up at him calmly, thinking through her answer but finding it easily. "Yes," she says. Yes, of course she would have. In a heartbeat. "If I had been offered the choice all those centuries ago, I would have chosen to become a vampire."

Does that mean she was never given a choice? "Why?" Stefan frowns.

Easy, Amelia thinks. "It gave me the strength to save my family." That's all that mattered back then. It's all that matters right now. It's the most important thing in her world. "It still does."

Stefan finds little to argue with. But she chose her family in him and Damon. Before Stefan has a chance to make any sort of reply, Elena and Bonnie come up from the basement. Elena has somewhat cleaned up, but when she lays eyes on Amelia, and the bag of blood in her hand, she stops dead in her tracks. "No," she whispers, and shakes her head.

"Elena—" Amelia starts, trying to take a step closer, but Stefan grabs her arm before she has the chance to finish. She looks at him, eyes darkening in warning.

Stefan paces himself, releasing Amelia's arm. "We could..." he says softly, but Amelia's already shaking her head. There's nothing he can do, he knows that, but Elena is right there and oh God, if only he had the answers right now. But once again, always, it's Amelia that does the teaching.

"It's not the way, Stefan," she says, and looks him deep in the eyes. How can she tell him this when she knows it's breaking his heart? Elena's heart? But she's right, the choice is not his or Elena's to make. He knows that in the end, very few choose death.

"We could try," he insists nonetheless, because it seems like the right thing to do in this world constructed only of wrongs.

"What are you talking about?" Elena frowns, daring to take another step closer. Part of her refuses to ever trust Amelia again, because she's clearly chosen Damon's side. Another part of her knows that Amelia has been living this far longer than Damon and Stefan combined. Isn't there anything she can do to save her brother?

Amelia casts down her eyes; surprisingly this is the one thing she can't put to Elena straight. She knows that Elena and Stefan are looking at her for answers, grasping at straws and alternatives. But once again it's her that has to present them with the cold hard truth of the situation. There is no other option. Jeremy has to choose. "Stefan wants to give Jeremy animal blood instead of human."

Elena's eyes shift between Amelia and Stefan. "Isn't that better?" she asks anxiously, finding sudden hope where none is present. "I mean, if he can survive on it like Stefan—" Then he won't become the monster Damon is. Amelia knows all too well what she leaves unsaid. But Damon is a monster, and so is she.

"It will delay his choice." Amelia stares at Elena, hoping to convey a meaning she's long since forgotten how to denominate. "It won't complete his transformation."

"You don't know that," Stefan says. Amelia looks up at Stefan and frowns. Why is he doing this? Why is he trying to give Elena hope when all there is in her future is watching her brother either die or turn into a vampire? But what Stefan really means to say is that it's an impossible choice, that no one should ever have to make it, even though his choice, all those years ago, was made in an instant.

He's making Amelia say it, so he doesn't have to. In a lot of ways Stefan has always been more selfish than his brother.

Amelia takes a breath, but knows exactly what to say. "Either we feed him animal blood and we allow him to think this through rationally, or we allow him to change now," she explains, looking at both Elena and Stefan. Bonnie is behind Elena, listening intently as well. "The choice remains either way." And then she looks at Elena alone. "I'm sorry, Elena, but this can't be undone."

Elena swallows, but something inside her revolts. "What about Emily's magic?" Elena asks. Amelia casts down her eyes. "It protected you, it can protect Jeremy." Elena turns and looks at Bonnie. "Bonnie?"

Bonnie feels panic striking her hard. Keeping Stefan alive for a while longer was one thing, he was already dead and her spell would never have ended up saving his life. "I—I'm sorry," Bonnie stutters, shaking her head. "I can't bring someone back from the dead, even if I was as powerful as Emily. I'm sorry, Elena, it's just—It's not possible." It breaks her heart to say it, but there's nothing she can do.

Elena wails, squeezing her eyes shut tightly right before turning around to face Amelia again. "How could you let him do this?" Elena shouts. Stefan moves between her and Amelia to hold her back, in an action that he owes Amelia a few times over. Why is everyone defending her? Amelia was supposed to be the one person that could handle Damon, tame him, hold him back. Why didn't she do that for her and her brother? "How can you love him?" How can anyone love him? "He killed my brother!"

Amelia doesn't know where she finds the strength to keep her cool; if it had been Stefan talking to her she would have slammed him against the wall, sending her message to him hard, but she can't use that tactic on Elena. So she keeps calm. "Let me make one thing very clear to you, Elena," she says, coming as close to Elena as Stefan allows. "Your brother is not dead. Once he's changed, the world will become even more frightening and more confusing than it was before. And you need to be there for him. You'll need to be strong for him."

Elena's heart aches in her chest, tears filling up her eyes. So that's it, she thinks, that's all there is. Her brother will die, and the only thing she can do is be there for him. It's too cruel. Bonnie takes her in her arms again.

Amelia isn't proud of what she just did, but it needed to be done. She told Elena what to expect, and what to do. Isn't that kinder? she thinks while she makes her way back in the living room. Before she has the chance to let it get to her, Damon walks through the front door with her bags. She hasn't noticed that Stefan followed her. "You're still defending him," Stefan says, and she turns towards his voice. Damon halts in his tracks, watching his brother and Amelia argue. "After everything that's happened." Stefan doesn't care who hears it. "How can you still think he will ever change?"

No one changes, she means to say, but she knows Stefan realises that all too well. He's asking her why Damon, why his brother instead of him? How is Damon better? How does he deserve her love? "You mean after all these years it still surprises you?" Amelia asks. Stefan frowns, as does Damon in the hallways; he hasn't made it much further than the front door. What is supposed to be surprising? "That I accept your brother for what he is."

No, Stefan thinks, not a surprise at all. Her love for him is not the same as her love for his brother, and even though he'll never be able to see Amelia the way he sees Elena, he can't accept that. Damon doesn't deserve to be loved. Stefan can't hide his anger. "Well, you would know," he says, turning his back on Amelia. "You're the one that created him."

It's an accusation, of guilt and blame at the same time, just like Amelia knew he would. She's just as much to blame in all of this. But it's the sort of logic that can leave a head spinning and leave an entire world in pieces. The kind of logic that is numbing. She's flawed, just as much as the next human or vampire or other creature that goes bump in the night. There's nothing either she or anything in this world can change about that. All anyone can do is live a life to the fullest. No one really changes.

She hears Damon's footsteps on the floor, and seconds later he rounds the corner. He looks at her, but doesn't say a word. Unlike Stefan, he's not going to ask her to say it, to tell him why, why him instead of his brother, even though he now knows that the truth will not hurt him, but hurt Stefan. He'd hated his brother for so long, for Katherine turning him as well, for perhaps even choosing Stefan over him. But now, what does it matter now? It will always leave a mark – it's too old and deep sated for it not to, but what did his wish for Katherine to have turned him matter now?

They're still holding each other's gaze when Bonnie joins them. She's reluctant, and clearly keeping her distance, but she hides her fear well. "Amelia," she says softly. Her eyes are wide and questioning, because she notices something between Damon and Amelia that hadn't been there before. There's calm between them, almost tangible. She doesn't understand it. "Jeremy wants to talk to you," she adds, and frowns, because as soon as Amelia moves – within seconds of the words leaving her mouth – Damon follows, not like you'd expect anyone would, but it's almost as if he and Amelia are attached now.

Stefan has followed Elena upstairs to his room. The silence in the house is fear-filled.

When Amelia and Damon make it downstairs – once again – they find Jeremy in much the same position as before, huddled in the corner of the room, and he's even more twitchy than before. Of course, Damon thinks, his body is craving blood. He notices how Amelia has left the bag of blood upstairs. He only briefly wonders why, before realising that Jeremy hasn't made a choice yet. He's long since realised that Amelia never really gave him a choice. Sure, she was the one who turned him, and she was by his side for many years after that, but she never stopped Stefan from tempting him. Not once.

"Why did you choose to ch-change?" Jeremy stutters, his hands shaking as he draws a hand through his hair. It's clumsy and misses its effect entirely.

That's it, Damon thinks, that's why Amelia left the blood upstairs. How could she have known that Jeremy only wanted to talk? But he knows that the call of the blood would have been stronger than anything else if it were there with them. Amelia sighs, and glances at Damon sideways; she knows the question was directed at her. She can't help but think that Damon's answer would be so much better for Jeremy; Damon changed because of love. His love for Katherine.

"I didn't have a choice," Amelia answers. Damon looks at her slowly, but only because he knows that any sudden reaction might stop her talking. More and more Amelia is revealing her past to them and he wants to be there for every second of it. But why now? Why here? Why to Jeremy? "My creator came at night while I was sleeping in the field." Amelia walks over to a nearby chair and sits down. Damon remains standing, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. "In the legends of my people he was known as an alp. I don't know if he meant to change me."

"Your people?" Jeremy asks, the same question on the tip of Damon's tongue. He only has eye for Amelia; he doesn't even care that all her attention is going to Jeremy.

"One of the Germanic tribes settled around the Rhine area," Amelia explains plainly. It makes no difference to her anymore. She has protected her past because there are people out there that would take advantage of her, but she knows she can trust Damon. Right now, she's reached the point where she'd rather have him know; she'd come too close to losing him. Twice. "I died in battle. It's probably what attracted my creator in the first place."

"What happened?" Jeremy scrambles up from his hunched position and sits up straighter. Just like Damon's, his interest is peeked.

"I was killed by a Roman officer." She doesn't say how the vampire blood had made its way into her system, simply because she doesn't know the answer herself.

"And?" Jeremy insists.

Amelia draws in a deep breath. Isn't it obvious then? "I killed him when I woke up again. Him and half his legion." It was quite simple really, even to this day, it's kill or be killed. Except no one had expected her to get back up and kill them back. And she'd been so thirsty. The dye in the tattoo on her back had protected her from the sun. "I never had a choice," Amelia sighs. Damon casts down his eyes. He wouldn't have wanted to be offered the choice by her. That was quite simple too. "It's not much of a choice to begin with."

"Elena can't tell me want to do," Jeremy's voice is shaking more and more. Soon his body will start dying. Amelia could tell Jeremy it's not her choice to make, but that's repeating something she's been telling everyone, including Elena. She wants to be cold enough to tell him that becoming a vampire isn't something he wants for himself, but Damon beats her to it.

"You don't want this life," Damon says, turning, and walks away. Amelia follows after him not long after. He doesn't know why he said it, because he's never regretted his choices, unlike his brother. But Jeremy still had people in his human life to care for, to love him. This isn't the life for him. "Mel," Damon says and turns to look at her. Amelia knows where this is going. The question is inevitable. "How old are you?" Damon asks.

"What makes you think I keep count?" Amelia smiles. She knows he's still struggling with his guilt over what he did to Jeremy, but she also knows that her presence is helping him. She's not proud of what he did, but for the first time since meeting him, Amelia can sense something resembling pride for him.

Damon grins. She's joking about it, that means he'll probably get his answer. "Because even Stefan does." He waits, as patiently as he can muster. A few moments pass; Amelia can hear Elena crying and Bonnie comforting her upstairs; Stefan isn't far. A car pulls up outside of the house.

Amelia tells Damon – and Stefan, because he's been listening intently – that she's one thousand nine hundred and ninety-four years old. And she's a vampire who can't be staked.

Damon is stunned into silence. He'd always suspected her to be a few centuries older than him, but this— this explains so many things. There's a part of him that wants to ask her so many questions, but he thinks she just answered most of them already.

Upstairs, the front door opens. Alaric still hasn't decided what he'll tell Amelia and the others.

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