A/N: Just an explanatory note: at high school, my nerdy girls' school's nerdy brother school had this really disgusting competition called a 'Milk Run' where the contestants drank heaps and heaps of milk with different food colouring in it, and then they would just run around the oval again and again until they threw up (in different bright colours). The person who went furthest without throwing up won. It wasn't considered a particularly cool thing to do, even for them.
Anyway, please review!
Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!
All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.
Dear Amy,
My girlfriend and I have known each other since kindergarten, and we were best friends long before we started dating.
I can't complain about much – life is great, she is amazing, I love her and unaccountably but wonderfully, she loves me back. But... she's always had this habit of calling me by my last name alone. It's just this thing we had, and I always kind of liked it before, because it was like our special thing and nobody else really calls me that.
She still calls me that now, even though we're dating, and don't get me wrong, it's not that I want her to start calling me 'darling' or 'sweetheart' or whatever (that's really not our style) – but sometimes her calling me by just my last name feels a bit formal, or like she's a sports coach or something.
I know I'd miss it if she stopped altogether, but I'd like her to call me by my first name as well sometimes. The problem is, when I asked her, she said it felt strange, and she didn't think she'd ever be able to. What is the best way to convince her: blackmail or bribery or a mixture of both?
Really interested to hear your opinion on this, 'Amy' ;-)
The Cartoon Mouse In Shining Armour
Dear Jerry Knight,
This would be in the 'letters not published' pile if my editor hadn't insisted on including it. In her words, it's – and I quote – 'a lot more original than all that unrequited love crap we usually get'.
So here goes... first of all, what's wrong with your girlfriend calling you by your last name? She always has, and she's used to it, and from habit it's more of an endearment than a formality. Perhaps she just needs some time to get used to using your first name; but I have a feeling that 'Knight' will always have a special place in her heart.
As for how to convince her, I say definitely bribery. Blackmail is useless – sure, you've known her forever and have a lot of dirt on her, but she has just as much ammunition against you: for example, that time in geography class in first grade where you insisted to the teacher that guacamole was a South American country; or that time when you were a tree in the third grade school play, but you forgot to cut eye-holes in your costume, and instead of exiting stage right when you were supposed to you lost your orientation and walked forward and fell off the stage onto the front row of the audience; or that time in fifth grade when you took part in the Milk Run and were the first to throw up, even before the lactose intolerant kid.
Or some such embarrassing things which she'd probably know about you. She could probably go on. The point is, don't even try getting the upper hand here.
Bribery, on the other hand, is always welcome. Having striven against it all your life, you are surely the expert on how to spoil her. Actually, from you, flowers, chocolate, and/or expensive trinkets aren't necessary. You're not the most demonstrative person, and while she loves that about you, because it makes words of affection that much more meaningful when they're given, I'm sure she would love a more frequent confirmation of how much you care.
You see, Jerry, sometimes she still can't believe that you love her back, especially after all the stupid things she's said and done. Be patient with her, Jerry – she'll come around (even if she still doesn't really get what's wrong with just lovely old 'Knight'). Love,
Amy
Editor's note: Get a room, you two.