September 21, 2011
Life is hectic – as I'm sure many of you know – so I'll be brief. Kudos to Project Team Beta for being wonderful supporters on both ends of the editing process and for teaching me something new with every chapter. I hope to continue favorably with each installment.
Please leave me happy messages.
~ evelyn-shaye
Special thanks to lost in his golden eyes – my new permanent beta! – and CapriciousC for editing this chapter. Your comments are always helpful and delightful!
November 20, 2011
Wow, what an amazing journey this has been thus far! I'm truly thankful for lost in his golden eyes and Nikki Halen for being such wonderful betas. These next two chapters are the last re-reviews before I dive into the rest of the story, and this chapter especially has been well worth the effort.
Before I go, did anyone else enjoy Breaking Dawn: Part I as much as I did? Jacob's imprinting scene was definitely the highlight. My heart is still singing. :D
Enjoy your week and the upcoming Thanksgiving holidays!
~ evelyn-shaye
Chapter Four: Almost Justified
I barely slept the night before my first day of school. I stalled in my bedroom, stacking my new notebooks and folders, ordering my mechanical pencils by color, and spreading out my high school initiation outfit again. Aunt Alice had selected a chic but inconspicuous light blue, ruffled three-quarter sleeve blouse with classy dark wash jeans, silver strappy sandals, and of course, the locket from my mother. Now, everything sat neatly inside my beige fabric messenger bag with my initials embroidered in green thread: RCC.
Meanwhile, Jacob lounged on my bed and grinned at my antics.
"Relax, Nessie," he drawled. I ignored him and continued scurrying about my room, looking for some project to occupy my mind.
"High school is a breeze," he continued. "You're already way smarter than all the freshmen there: that's why you're taking honors classes."
"I don't care about what classes I'm taking," I muttered. "I just wanna fit in."
That was the first time I had ever admitted my insecurities out loud. The vampire side of me that retained knowledge instantaneously and left me longing for a challenge was more than prepared for my honors Biology, English, Algebra II, History, and German courses, not to mention the silly introductory classes that all freshmen enrolled in. Performance-wise, high school was not an issue.
My human side, though, realized all too acutely the disadvantage of my situation, my nature. There would be no such thing as being myself in high school. I was trapped in a lie; my friendships must be cautious and limited so as not to incriminate the other half of my nature. Though routine for my family, I was scared out of my mind that I would accidently expose us and be yet another reason that their lives were difficult. I needed them to follow my every move, since even after five years of practice, I had yet to be put to the test outside of my family; and I hated that I couldn't be my normal carefree self, that I was virtually back to my toddler years. I was insecure enough already.
Jacob surely couldn't have known any of this, but he sat up immediately. "I'll be there with you, Ness. You know that, right?" he checked with concern. "Our schedules are nearly identical. I can watch out for you."
I lowered myself to the edge of the bed and smiled weakly at him. "I wish I didn't need everyone to watch out for me, though," I confessed.
Jake frowned. "I don't mind," he said carefully, his voice filled with uncertainty. "I like being around for you. It makes me feel special."
My heart swelled, but I ignored it. How could I tell my best friend that I wasn't as brave as he thought? That even though my family told me constantly how smart and pretty I was; I still felt unsure of myself, for more reasons than I liked to admit? This was a new phase in my life, and though most of my concern revolved around blending in with the humans, my emotionally 13-year-old self was apprehensive toward entering the world of excessive makeup, first boyfriends, and weekend parties, aspects of high school that concerned me even with Alice's proclivity to public displays of perfection.
"I guess I just don't know what to expect," I finally said. "I mean, I've been pretty sheltered for all these years. What if I commit some major faux pas that marks me as the loser girl that no one will hang out with?" Jake opened his mouth to speak, so I added, "Besides you and my family."
Jake smiled softly. "Nessie, everyone at this school will be enchanted by you," he assured me. "You're beautiful and smart and funny and"—he lowered his voice—"much more human than the rest of your family." He raised his voice again, as if all the vampires in the house hadn't been able to hear him. "You'll have no problems fitting in."
I felt myself relaxing, and I knew instinctively that it wasn't Jasper interceding for me. "Thanks, Jake," I said warmly. I reached for his hand and wrapped my fingers around his.
Jacob's smile widened. He squeezed my hand. "Anytime, Ness," he said cheerfully.
Finally, I felt tired, so I crawled into bed, still wearing my outfit from earlier today. Jacob tucked me in, and I beamed up at him. "Night, Jake," I said quietly.
He kissed my forehead. Again, it burned. "Good night, my Nessie," he murmured.
As I drifted off to sleep, I heard a rush of air as he changed to his wolf form and smelled the musky, woodsy scent that followed my best friend everywhere. Maybe high school won't be so bad…
My final thoughts as I had drifted to bed last night seemed silly and ungrounded during the main event the next morning.
"Is this some kind of joke?" I whispered to my dad. I spoke so quietly that no human would notice.
Daddy, Momma, Jacob, and I were sitting in our first class of the day: advisory. We were organized alphabetically, so Daddy and I sat side by side, with Momma and Jacob a few rows up. The three of us Cullens pretended to not know Jacob at all, which was fine for my parents, but it was all I could do to not call his name and flash a brilliant smile at him, as we so frequently and spontaneously did.
I fondly and longingly recalled the leisurely days of home school, when Jacob rather frequently interrupted my lessons and my "teachers" shooed or chased him from the library. I was dying for a distraction from the impossible boredom before me. Our teacher was reading the school handbook in a distinctly monotonous voice. It was painful to my ears and impossible to ignore.
I glanced over at Daddy again; he was transcribing the "lecture" in Cantonese. I had to grin.
"I promise you, Nessie, first days are always like this," Daddy muttered, not taking his eyes away from his work. "After today we'll have advisory only once a month."
I nodded with some satisfaction. Was advisory this boring in Forks? I asked him mentally.
His mouth twitched. "Worse," he mouthed.
I shook my head. Thank God I'm only five years old. At least this boredom was a novelty.
A few minutes later, a crumpled ball of paper landed on my desk. I glanced up to be sure the teacher wasn't looking—no, he was still droning on—and opened it quietly. I smiled; it was from Jake.
Don't you wish we didn't have to do this charade? he had written in his signature scrawl.
I grinned and looked up at him. He was facing the front of the classroom again but sat up straight in anticipation.
I lowered my pencil to the messy paper. It's just for a week, I wrote back. Then we can act however we want :)
I crumpled it again and rolled it lightly on the floor next to his seat. Jake leaned down to pick it up and our eyes met for a split second. He smiled warmly and righted himself, facing the front again. My cheeks flushed slightly, but I quickly dismissed the irrational reaction.
As Jacob scribbled another note to me, I allowed myself to survey my fellow advisees. They were all very much human, though their heart rates were rather sluggish at the moment. I identified them from the roll call and catalogued their features: Amanda was fairly skinny, with blond hair and green eyes; Dylan had a buzz cut and, though built, was severely sunburned, making him somewhat unattractive; Jalisa was the only Asian in our class and enjoyed drawing, if her sketches in the handbook were any indication.
Some students had lowered their heads to the desk, so I could make out only tufts of hair and the occasional blemish or birthmark on their skin. I noticed a few distracting habits, like David's constant pencil-tapping and Crane's tendency to shove his glasses to the highest point of his nose. A few desks over, two students seemed involved in a sort of drug deal; I made a mental note to avoid engaging in any serious conversation with either of them.
It seemed, too, that I wasn't the only one people-watching. Everyone glanced at the four of us at least once, the girls tending to linger on my dad and Jacob. The boy next to Momma, perhaps the only one with a decent cardiovascular system, stared at her with unabashed awe, and I had two similar admirers behind me, if their more concentrated scent was any indication. I tried to convince myself that they were observing us so closely simply because we were new, but when Jacob tossed another note my direction, my dad intercepted it and scowled. "Scrutiny!" was his only explanation.
Apparently, we needed to be on our best behavior today.
Advisory finally ended and my family escorted me down the hallway, with Jake trailing not too far behind. A good number of students paused at their lockers to watch us, looking as stunned as deer in the headlights, warring between fear and awe, before quickly and awkwardly averting their attention to other things. I shook my head. Obviously, attention won't be my problem this year.
Momma, Daddy, and Jacob were all in my Biology and History classes, so I felt compelled to ignore my friend, for both the sakes of my parents and every student who unashamedly craned their necks and squinted their eyes to catch just a glimpse of the newcomers. Fortunately, Jake and I had Algebra all to ourselves.
We wandered down the hall with some distance between us, which was fine with me at the moment. I had a plan formulating in my head of how to "introduce" myself to Jake and knew I would feel more comfortable acting without my parents watching us. But I wasn't exactly sure if my classmates would fall for it…
"It'll work," someone whispered to me. I glanced up in time to see Alice and Jasper passing by. She winked at me, and Jasper nodded encouragingly.
I strode into my next class with a spring in my step and a new sense of confidence. In the back of my head, I knew that part of this was due to Jasper's special ability, but I focused more on Alice's reassurance. She had seen how the humans would react to my plan, so nothing else could deter me.
I arrived to class earlier than Jacob, but I wasn't the first to enter. Good, I thought. I need an audience. I found an empty seat and, with human exaggeration, proceeded to pull out a notebook, pencil, and calculator. As I slowly lowered my backpack to the floor and straightened in my seat, I picked up on a few snippets of conversation in my peripheral.
"Do you think that's one of the Cullens?" a girl whispered hesitantly.
A desk creaked as someone leaned in. "I think so. She looks just like the hot freshman boy from our advisory class." Even at a low volume, I could hear the longing in her voice. I darted my eyes to her face and back before anyone could blink. It was Amanda, I noted with interest.
At her words, everyone began to speak at once, their voices blending together as more people entered the classroom. My vampire mind easily compartmentalized the distinct voices.
"I heard that Dr. Cullen adopted all of them."
"Yeah, but they don't all have the Cullen name. My sister met one of the Hale siblings."
"My brother had Advanced Chemistry with Emmett Brandon. He's huge!"
"Wonder why their names are so outdated."
"Maybe the Cullens like old-fashioned names."
"Edward, at least, is a normal name."
"Edward's hair is gorgeous. I mean, I rarely go for gingers, but, come on."
"Did you see Edward's eyes? They're so golden!"
"All of them have golden eyes, except for Edward's twin."
At that, everyone hushed and stared at me, as if waiting for a reaction to their eavesdropping. I, however, chose not to give them the satisfaction and flipped open my notebook, pretending to consult a map of the school. Their conversation resumed at a slightly lower volume.
"She's so pretty," a girl marveled.
"What would you expect from Edward Cullen's sister?" someone shot back.
"Have you noticed that she's not as pale as the others?"
I froze, suddenly fearful. Their musings had been entertaining until now, especially the bit about finding my dad attractive, but they were straying into dangerous territory. I had to distract them, fast.
Distraction arrived 3.2 seconds later in the form of Jacob Black, who suddenly had everyone's undivided attention as he surveyed the available seats before him.
Perfect.
I spoke up first. "This seat is empty," I offered, pointing to the desk next to me. A new hum of mutterings ensued, the most prominent one being "Who does this girl think she is?" I bristled imperceptibly, trying to force back the sudden feelings of protectiveness and animosity that her words provoked.
Jake smiled nervously at me, partly acting but partly concerned at the subtle but dangerous flash in my eyes. "Thanks," he said quietly. He lowered his book bag to the floor.
"He's cute," someone commented.
Ignore her, ignore her. I found a smile that was mostly genuine. "You're Jacob Black, aren't you? The other new kid."
Jake's eyes lit up with understanding. "Yeah, I am," he answered amiably. "Are you one of the doctor's kids?"
"Yes, sir," I replied cheerfully. His reaction set me at ease, and I stretched my hand out to him. "I'm Renesmee Cullen, but my family calls me Nessie."
"Like the monster," he joked. He took my hand and shook it.
I took the opportunity to pass a silent message along through our palms. Good acting, Chief, I said, referring to his Alpha state. I think they're drinking it all up.
Jacob nodded subtly, as we glanced at our classmates. They were watching us curiously, but no one said anything in response, choosing to discuss safer topics, instead.
We conversed for a few minutes until the teacher began to call roll. I didn't pay much attention, since I knew I'd be able to remember their names later. Our act had worked! Jake and I now had a foundation for hanging out at school, a starting point that I'd thought I would have to wait for. I grinned over at my best friend, and he grinned back. This year might not be too bad.
Jacob and I had no qualms about walking to lunch with each other, although Daddy seemed a little wary. I sent some reassuring thoughts his direction, along with my memory of the scene in our algebra class. He nodded with reluctant approval. I didn't think he expected us to make this work out so soon.
He's my best friend, Daddy, I thought. I don't wanna have to act.
Daddy frowned but begrudgingly muttered, "Just don't take his hand."
I blushed. Jacob and I always held hands, but in this new situation, I understood the implications of our friendly act. We would stand out as a couple, and I didn't want to be classified and compartmentalized before I even made friends.
But, in a weird way, it would be nice. It wouldn't be teenage-y, romantic for us, it would just be…safe. Jake was my friend and I wanted to have a visible claim on him that no one could counter or ignore.
As we made our way into the cafeteria, Daddy suddenly stopped and stiffened. His nostrils flared, and he instinctively stepped in front of me and gripped Momma's hand.
"Daddy?" I asked with alarm. His expression scared me; I was so startled that I forgot to use his real name. Next to me, Jake stiffened as well.
"Vampire," he spat.
I jerked back with shock. Surely not at our school? I sniffed subtly, and there it was: the sweet scent that wasn't quite as potent to me, but impossible to ignore.
Rosalie and Emmett approached us. "Three of them," Rose confirmed. "Two boys and a girl. They were in our Advanced Chemistry class."
"Did you meet them?" Momma asked.
Emmett shook his head. "They're wary of us. My guess is that they didn't want a possible confrontation during school, but I'd ask Alice."
"Where are they?" Daddy asked, already in motion. Standing still in the center of the cafeteria wasn't the best strategy for avoiding attention. Everyone who hadn't met us yet stared with outright admiration and curiosity, and those who had proceeded to impress their friends with what little petty facts they knew about us. On the flip side, even the students bold enough to call dibs expressed their hopes that our intimidating family would sit at a distance.
"Alice and Jazz are saving a table for us," Rosalie said. "They wanted to talk to us all at once."
As we followed my aunt and uncle, I glanced around the cafeteria, searching for the source of the smell. At the other end of the room, I saw three very pale students leaning against the wall. They didn't seem hostile, but they definitely kept their distance. Jacob followed my gaze and growled softly. I lightly placed my hand on his arm. We don't know that they're dangerous.
He huffed but relaxed slightly. I removed my hand.
Emmett frowned as we approached. "Should Jacob eat lunch with us today?" he asked.
"Nessie took care of that earlier," Daddy informed him. "For all the rest of their class knows, the new kids have found friends in each other."
"But the rest of the school?" Rosalie asked stiffly.
Jacob glared at her. "Surely you won't exclude me from any conversation regarding the new threat here?"
Alice closed her eyes and fell still for a moment. When she refocused, she said, "No one will pay us too much heed if we act casual. We're the new kids; Jacob won't stand out to them as anything different."
Rosalie sat down petulantly, and Jake smirked at her. Again, I touched his arm. Please cool it.
He stuck his tongue out at me but wisely said nothing more. Daddy was watching us suspiciously.
I sighed internally. Daddy, stop. It's frustrating enough that it's the first day of school and we're already under threat. Can I not have a normal interaction with my best friend?
Daddy frowned. "Watch your tone, young lady," he growled softly.
"Edward," Alice warned, gesturing to the overly-curious populace around us.
He glared at Alice, but reluctantly relaxed his posture and shot me a we'll-talk-about-this-later expression. Sure, sure, I muttered silently.
"So what do we know about them?" Momma initiated, trying to diffuse our tension.
Emmett leaned forward. "The first thing we checked were their eyes," he informed us. "They're not vegetarians, but they're far from newborns."
"Tame vampires?" Jasper asked skeptically. I knew where he was coming from and completely empathized. My family, especially Jasper, had enough difficulty restraining themselves in a closed space like a high school, but they never fed on human blood. Could a mature, traditional vampire truly coexist with high school students without losing control?
"They didn't seem to have an issue with their control," Rosalie responded, unknowingly answering my silent question. "They kept their distance, as they are now, but not in a way that would draw suspicion. They're just careful."
"But why bother?" Jasper continued. "Why risk exposure?"
"Why do we risk our cover, Jasper?" Daddy countered. His frustration seemed to have transferred from our disagreement, for the moment. "Why do we attend high school and college over and over again? To give us something do. To make our lives worth something. To be able to live among humans and not be monsters."
"They're not monsters, but they're not vegetarians, either?" Jacob asked, his voice unconvinced. "That seems contradictory to me."
"I know that allowing any sort of danger to human life goes against your nature, Jacob," Daddy replied. "But I also know of a fair amount of mature vampires that restrict their hunting to those who are more… deserving of death." He twisted the word strangely.
"No one deserves to die at a vampire's hand," Jacob argued darkly. I looked cautiously between Jacob and my father. As much as I loved both of them, I knew that there was no way to prevent the tension that arose for the sole reason that they were natural enemies, no matter that I belonged in both worlds.
Again, I felt very alone and helpless. My earlier insecurities resurfaced for a new reason: aside from Nahuel and his sisters, I didn't know of anyone else like me. I wasn't vampire, human, or werewolf, and yet I lived among them. What was my purpose?
Daddy caught my train of thought and smiled gently, but didn't offer comfort aloud. I was glad he didn't; the last thing I needed was the rest of my family worrying about me, and we'd had enough drama for one day. Thank you, I thought contritely.
He nodded and turned his attention back to Jake. "Would you prevent a vampire from stopping a drug deal? From ending a life that was battered from an accident and was about to end anyway? From saving a young girl from a violent rapist?"
Jacob looked shocked, and I couldn't blame him. The way that Daddy put it…it almost sounded right. Justified.
Daddy faced me. "You're right, Nessie. It's almost justified. I know, because I tried it once." Jake and I gasped, but no one else seemed surprised. Rosalie even sighed and twirled a fork in her fingers, seeming somewhat bored. Apparently, this was a familiar story, though I had never heard it before. "At the beginning of my new life, I left Carlisle for a time because I didn't understand why he insisted on drinking animal blood. I wanted human blood. It tasted better." Jacob grimaced, but my family and I nodded with understanding.
"But I couldn't ignore the nagging sensation that Carlisle was right or the terrified thoughts of my victims." Edward spoke somberly. "Even when I saved someone, I left them more fearful of the monster I had become than of the mere human threat.
"So, no, Jacob. No one deserves to die at a vampire's hand. But we can't not drink blood, and most of us aren't willing to give up human blood for a less monstrous alternative. For the moment, we must give these vampires here the benefit of a doubt. They may be like me, and if that's the case, we can't stop them unless they threaten to expose us."
"I can't just let them end human lives," Jake countered, but his tone was more subdued. I stroked his arm in what I hoped was a comforting manner.
"You're not in La Push anymore, Jacob," Daddy said bleakly. "This isn't your territory to protect."
I could tell that Jake wanted to argue, but he couldn't, because Daddy was right. This battle was outside of his hands. Jake would be allowed to fight only if there was a direct attack on us, the Cullen coven.
Jasper raised his hand. "If I may," he interjected, with a slight twang. Jacob and I faced him. "When I was first changed, my duty was to create and train newborns, killing them off if Maria demanded it. It was a vicious task, one that translated directly into my style of hunting. Even after living with the Cullens for over a century, my short but intense years as a trainer embedded within me an instinct to kill that is still difficult to resist."
His face fell, but Alice ran her fingers through his hair soothingly, encouraging him to continue.
"I'm not lookin' for pity," he finally said, focusing especially on Jacob. "I just wanted to explain how I, more than anyone, understand the struggle but also the possible strength of will. I'm the least vegetarian of everyone at this table, but I can, with effort, curb my thirst when the situation requires it. Although I didn't agree with Emmett's assessment at the beginning, I can see his and Edward's reasoning now."
Jake folded his arms in defeat. "I can't possibly like this situation, but I will try to tolerate it," he conceded reluctantly. The words sounded false on his tongue.
"That's all we can ask of you, Jacob," Daddy answered. "We'll find out what we can about them, and if there's any breach, you'll be the first to know." He grinned knowingly, and Jake had to smile back. I was relieved, glad that my attitude earlier hadn't affected Daddy's opinion of Jake.
"We may know about them sooner than you think," Alice spoke up. She opened her eyes, which were slightly unfocused. "They caught our scent and are planning to meet with us this afternoon, at the end of the parking lot."
"Are they hostile?" Momma asked nervously. Daddy wrapped his arm around her protectively.
"If they were hostile, I would've said 'confront,'" Alice replied, annoyed. "They're curious about us. They plan to address the issues of territory and conspicuity."
"Should we call Carlisle and Esme?" Rosalie asked.
Alice closed her eyes to visualize the result of bringing them. She shook her head. "No. If Carlisle and Esme join us, we'll look too dangerous to them. We're already much larger than the typical coven."
"Do you know which one of them is the leader?" I asked.
She faced me. "The one with the darker hair," she replied. Her vision clouded over before she continued. "But the two followers are the mates."
My family glanced at each other worriedly. No doubt they were remembering the "incident in the clearing," as they called it. From the stories Momma told me, Laurent, the darker one, had made a show of being the leader, while James and his mate, Victoria, had been the true coven and ruthless in their actions.
"This won't be a repeat of the baseball game," Alice assured us. "It's not a show this time. The other two look up to him."
Daddy nodded as he read the vision in her head. "She's right," he confirmed. "They really have no intent to harm us."
Our table visibly relaxed. I wished that Jacob and I were more firmly established at this school. I just wanted to lean into his strong arms, breathe in his forest scent, and know that everything would be okay. I guess that will have to wait 'til tonight.