December 27, 2011

Merry belated Christmas to everyone! It's been wonderful just to relax and brainstorm. I hope to direct my creative energies to Redefining Soul Mates as soon as I post this update.

God bless,

evelyn-shaye

Thank you to Nikki Halen and lost in his golden eyes for being such incredible betas. You girls accept nothing but perfection!

Chapter Seven: Confession

I snagged a box of fresh strawberries from the refrigerator and followed Jacob up the stairs to my room. I wasn't really that hungry, but the fruit would give me a distraction. Although this was, by no means, the first time Jake had hung out with me in my bedroom, I felt nervous and wondered if I should leave my door open.

It's because he nearly kissed you, Nessie, part of me reasoned.

Did he really, though? Jake and I had fake arguments like that all the time. Making faces at each other was nothing new. But there was something different in his eyes and in the way he held my cheek in his hand. Just imagining our close contact made my face flush and my fingertips tremble with anxiety and excitement.

"You okay, Ness?" Jake's concerned voice snapped me out of my reverie. I hadn't even realized that I was sitting on my bed and staring off into space.

I shook the fuzziness out of my head. "I'm fine, Jake." I smiled and held the box out to him. "Strawberry?" I offered.

He accepted distractedly, mechanically biting into the red fruit, then set the box between us and crossed his legs. I followed suit. It was easier to follow Jake's lead with my thoughts so jumbled, and his aloofness reminded me that we had retreated to my room to discuss Braden's coven, not what had transpired in his kitchen. I spoke up. "If you need to just get it out of your system, then go ahead. I won't stop you."

Jacob leaned forward earnestly. "These vampires are killing creatures of my kind, or of your kind," he said quickly, trying to keep his voice level. "We can't allow that to continue."

"But what possible motivation could they have?" Attacking on the defensive was an option, but I wanted a more definite, legitimate reason. "The only shape-shifters that are their natural enemies are the wolves, and even if they managed to kill one of you, they would never drink your blood. You would taste horrible to them!"

Jacob sat back slightly, his expression frustrated. "I don't know. Maybe they have a vendetta against them?" he guessed. I could tell he was scrambling for some kind of rationality, but none was forthcoming. "Maybe a shape-shifter hurt one of them, or killed a former member of their coven."

I took Jacob's hand in mine. I hoped that the contact and my special form of communication would be comforting to him. If someone had killed Braden's mate, he would've attempted to decimate them immediately. With his gift for leadership, it wouldn't have been difficult to round up some nomads or create some newborns to help him destroy them. I paused. Or tell the Volturi, for that matter, I added as an afterthought, trembling.

Jake grimaced, knowing I was right, and placed a comforting hand on my elbow. The gesture caused his anger to subside; his voice was merely confused, now. "But I can't think of any possible excuse to hunt shape-shifters for food. And wouldn't these shape-shifters be smart enough to avoid them? How could there possibly be so many that they can feed multiple times a week?"

Something occurred to me just then. "Maybe they're not hunting only shape-shifters," I suggested.

My friend's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it," I started, ticking off the indicators. "When my family hunts animals, their eyes turn gold because animal blood dilutes their irises differently. If these shape-shifters turn into an animal, feeding on them should have the same effect, because the vampires would be drinking what is essentially animal blood. Although Braden's eyes were darker than Ashton's, more burgundy-toned, they were still distinctly red." I shuddered, the image of the terrifying vampire still fresh on my mind.

Jacob squeezed my hand comfortingly. "So you think that they feed predominantly on humans, but hunt shape-shifters whenever they come along?"

"That's exactly what I think," I confirmed. I felt proud that I had come up with this explanation on my own. "I bet that today was just a coincidence. They were already planning to hunt shape-shifters but foolishly didn't factor in Alice's gift and change plans for this evening."

Jacob met my eyes intensely. "If you're right, then you need to tell your family, ASAP. They should know about this."

"I'll let them know when I take the strawberries back downstairs." The excuse was pretty lame, but I wasn't in any hurry to leave just yet. After all the dizzying discussions today, I was ready for a break with my best friend. I bit into a strawberry and savored the delicious juice on my tongue.

Jake laughed at the expression on my face. "You look like you're on top of the world," he teased.

I smiled. "Well, I'm sitting here with my best friend in the entire world," I reminded him.

He beamed at me and tugged on my hair again. "You're so sweet, Ness," he said warmly. He continued playing with my hair in one hand and stroking my hand in the other.

Jake's fingertips sent a tingling feeling to my head and down my spine, and the pressure of his thumb against my soft hand sent warmth shooting up my arm. I felt like I was glowing, or maybe electrified. My cheeks burned, making me fearful for the first time. I didn't understand…

Inadvertently, I had passed my emotions along through Jacob's palm. He lowered his head to my level and stared into my eyes. "Are you okay, Nessie?" he asked again. He looked just as concerned as he had when we first sat down.

I breathed in deeply and exhaled. I hadn't decided before whether or not I would broach the topic tonight, but I felt the need to do so now. I forced myself to speak. "Jake, I…have a question."

I lowered my gaze to my crossed legs, already regretting this conversation. My face flushed with shame, and tears pricked at my eyes. Was it truly necessary for me to know? Could I not just harbor my wonder in my heart, where Jake would never know and we would continue on as easy friends? I was mortified that I had allowed my emotions to get the better of me.

Jacob tucked his palm under my chin and lifted my head until I faced him again. He searched my glimmering eyes with worry, and then understanding. His hand pressed more firmly against my cheek and his eyes bore seriously into mine. "Ask me anything, Renesmee," he whispered.

My breath caught. He rarely used my full name, but I loved the way it rolled off his tongue. It sounded like music. "Jacob, earlier, in the kitchen…" My voice trailed off as I struggled to find the words. Finally, I asked him silently, before I lost my nerve. Did you almost kiss me this afternoon?

Jacob jerked back in shock, his hands suddenly out of mine. I lowered my eyes again, this time dejectedly. So I had imagined it all. He had just been his normal, friendly self this afternoon, and now, his startled rejection stung my heart and threatened to leave a hole. I didn't bother trying to stop the tears that had been threatening to spill.

Jake leaned forward carefully when a quiet sob escaped my throat. "Nessie…Ness, honey, are you crying?" he asked with alarm. He reached forward to touch my face, but I pulled back. I didn't want him to see me cry. The thought set off another round of tears, and outside my room, I heard the muffled sound of Daddy trying to intervene but Momma holding him back. I was glad; they didn't need to see my agony, and I wanted to resolve this misunderstanding myself.

Now, out of my periphery, I could see my friend struggling to decide what to do. Finally, he stood slowly. "I'll go get Bella," he muttered, and he turned away.

My heart stopped when I could no longer see his face.

"No, Jake!" I cried. He halted and faced me, confused.

"Don't leave me," I murmured. Even with his rejection, Jacob was the only person who could possibly comfort me in this moment. He alone understood my heart completely. The thought of his leaving my side, even for a moment, would make the pain infinitely more unbearable.

His eyes softened, as they had earlier that afternoon, and he rejoined me on the bed. "Never, Nessie," he whispered gently. "I will never leave you, until the day you ask me to go."

I laughed shortly through my tears. "That day will never come," I answered, amazed at the emotions inside me and the certainty of my decision. Of course I could never ask Jacob to leave. Even if I didn't fully understand the changes inside of me, I knew that I loved Jacob deep within my core.

Jacob cupped his hand around my cheek again, and this time, I let him lift my face to his. These tears had transformed from painful to joyful, because even if Jake did not love me beyond friendship, it was evident that he truly cared about me. I was no longer ashamed to show my face and the wet gleam in my eyes.

Jake gently brushed my tears away with his thumb, leaving a trail of warmth across my face. "Renesmee Cullen," he began softly. He smiled. "Nessie." He planted a light kiss on my forehead. "I have loved you and cared for you since the day you were born. You were like the little sister I never had, and now…"

He gauged my expression carefully. "I understand that this is entirely new for you," he backtracked. "I want you to know that I have no expectations. I love you deeply, but you can set the pace. I don't want to push you into anything you're not ready for."

My heart fluttered faster as it filled with new hope. Jacob's words had to mean that our relationship was changing and that his reaction earlier had not been rejection, but surprise. Smiling, I lifted my hands to his face and stroked it fondly.

"Jacob Black, Jake," I began as he had. He smiled again. "You grew up with me, always protecting me and looking out for me. Somewhere, I know that I've always loved you." The smile on his face broadened, and I couldn't help but smile, as well.

Jacob laughed quietly. "I feel exactly the same way," he assured me.

My little heart flew at his words. Slowly and carefully, still unsure at these somewhat rapid changes, I shifted my weight to my knees and crawled into his lap. His arms instinctively wrapped around my frame as I curled into him. I rested my head against his chest. "Hold me, Jake," I whispered, desperate for a sense of normality and the chance to examine my feelings. I wanted to laugh and cry and dance all at once, but I needed his strong embrace to reassure me that we would be together every step of the way.

Jake hummed with content and raised one hand to delicately cradle my head. My cheek burned against his palm, and I leaned into him. This moment was so beautiful. All I wanted was for it to last forever.

I reached my hand up to his face to share my thought with him. Jake breathed in, his eyes smiling, and kissed my hair. "We do have forever, Nessie," he reminded me happily. "We're immortal."

When Jacob eventually left my room that night, taking the box of strawberries with him, I was so giddy I could barely think straight. Jake loved me! He loved me, and his love lifted my spirits and made me feel like the most beautiful and desired girl in the world.

Knowing that sleep was out of the question, I reached into my book bag and found a sketchpad that Grandmother had bought on a whim as a housewarming present. I opened it to a fresh page and began to doodle. It was a simple form of art, but one that always reflected my deepest, purest emotions, as if my gift flowed through the pencil onto the paper.

When my drawing was complete, it showed Jake and me clasping hands and gazing at each other in the moonlight. We were sitting on a rock in a dense forest, our clothes and faces a little smudged with dirt but our eyes shining with happiness. In the background, a wolf howled at the moon as I extended my hand to its neck.

I smiled at the result, and as a final touch, I wrote in lilting calligraphy at the bottom of the page, "Jacob and Renesmee. Immortal."

Satisfied with my work and more elated than ever, I tucked the sketchbook under my pillow and willed myself to fall asleep. When I finally succumbed to slumber, I dreamed of my dear Jacob.

My slumber ended all too quickly. I awoke at six in the morning, about an hour earlier than my alarm, to find cold hands shaking me. I looked up; it was Momma.

"Momma," I croaked. I cleared my throat and rubbed my eyes. "What is it?"

Momma watched me with an imperceptible expression on her face. "Would you like to tell me what you and Jacob talked about last night?"

I frowned in thought as I sat up. I knew that Daddy had attempted to interrupt my discussion with Jake, but wouldn't his snooping have assured him that all was well? I reasoned that either Momma had shielded our thoughts, or that Daddy had chosen to hide what he knew from her, and settled for a safe answer. "Well, we talked about the other coven for awhile," I remembered. "I had an idea that Jake wanted me to pass on."

The hint of a smile graced Momma's face. "We already know about that, Nessie," she informed me. "Jacob shared your epiphany when he brought the strawberries back downstairs."

"Oh." I was a little crestfallen that Jacob hadn't let me share the news myself, but it made sense. My family probably discussed it during the night since they never slept. "Well, what did you think?" I asked in an attempt at nonchalance.

Momma's smile widened. "It was very insightful and answered one of the questions that we didn't fully explore during our previous conversation." But she continued to watch me.

I sighed. What was the point in hiding it? "We admitted our feelings to each other," I confessed softly.

Momma nodded, her smile replaced by a concerned frown. "I imagined as much. He's been watching you for quite a while now, waiting for your feelings to change."

"Waiting? So then, he knew that I would fall for him?" I was confused, but it sort of made sense. I had harbored only friendly feelings toward him in Forks because half of his time was spent with the pack. We hung out a lot but didn't have many moments like tonight without interruption from his duty. Of course, those emotions would edge their way in once I was his sole focus.

Momma shifted uncomfortably on my bed, an unusual motion for vampires. "Renesmee…did Jacob mention anything about Claire?"

"Claire? Quil's imprint?" I acted like I was trying to remember any mention of her name, but in reality I was trying to understand her question. What significance could Claire have to me? Of course we were good friends, but that had absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with Jake. "No, why would he mention her?" I asked, baffled.

Momma studied me for a moment, but seemed convinced that I was innocent. "Oh. Alright," she replied. She sounded somewhat relieved. "No matter then." She pasted a smile on her face.

I tilted my head, now even more confused than before. Momma was hiding something big. It probably wasn't as drastic as the other coven's shape-shifter issue, but I was certain she wouldn't reveal it to me. But why would she lie about something concerning Jacob?

A thought struck me. "Are you concerned about an imprint ruining our future relationship?" I asked her. That hadn't occurred to me before, but now I started to worry. Imprinting had destroyed Sam and Leah, and I didn't want to enter into a relationship that was tenuous.

Momma laughed. "Nessie, an imprint calls to you even before you see her," she explained to me. "If Jacob had an imprint waiting to happen in Forks, he would never have been able to leave with us. To be so far away from your gravity could cause physical illness."

"Oh, well, good." I felt much better knowing that he wasn't going to imprint anytime soon. "So will Jacob never imprint then?"

Momma laughed again, nervously this time. "That, of course, is Jacob's business, and you would be wise not to pry."

"Of course not," I agreed, but Momma's reaction surprised me again. She could have given me a less evasive answer and still withheld the more private details. "You know, you haven't gotten much better at acting," I teased her.

If she were human, she would've blushed. "Maybe I'll send Grandmother to talk to you next time," she replied weakly.

"That might be a good idea," I smiled. Momma smiled back.

"So, Momma…" We met gazes and I turned away. "Do you not want Jake and me to be together?"

She looked shocked. "Of course not! I think it's wonderful that my best friend has fallen for such an excellent young woman."

I smiled at her praise. "Then…are you worried about us?"

Momma pondered the question. "Well, of course I want the two of you to be careful," she answered. "Even relationships that begin with the best intentions can go awry. And I don't think you're ready to rush into the physical part yet." Her eyes pierced mine.

I blushed. "No, not really," I muttered hastily. Just the word "physical" had me frozen with anxiety. "This is all so new to me. I'm not even sure where to begin."

"Then take it slow," Momma suggested with a smile. "Lord knows your father and I barely touched each other at the beginning. Of course," she added with a laugh, "we had other reasons to keep a low profile physically."

I tilted my head in question, so she continued, "I was a frail human back when your daddy fell in love with me. To give in to his passions could've easily been the death of me." She smiled wryly.

I stared at her in wonder. Momma and Daddy rarely talked with me about her pre-vampire days, so every small revelation increased my admiration for them, as well as my curiosity. "But you made it work. How?"

Bella gazed at me fondly. "Edward and I care more deeply for each other than any couple I know," she said wistfully. "I'm sure that any couple would say the same about themselves, but I'm speaking from my own personal experience. We loved each other. We needed each other, and if that meant holding back physically, we were ready to compromise. It was a relationship built on understanding."

"I think Jake and I have the foundation part down pat," I informed her.

"I would agree," Momma allowed. "You two are very close, even closer friends than Jake and I were when I was human." She stopped suddenly to gauge my reaction, but her comment didn't faze me. It never had. "But your friendship is all you know. I can't deny that Jacob loves you as more than a friend, or that you are beginning to discover those feelings for yourself. But it would kill me to see you ruin your relationship because you got too close too fast." Her face crumpled in pain at the thought.

I reached for her hand and stroked it comfortingly. "Don't worry, Momma. I'm pretty sure that I'm nowhere close to being ready for the physical part," I assured her. I showed her the memory of our "argument" in the kitchen, and then our discussion in my room.

Momma relaxed. "Thank you for showing that to me, Nessie," she said earnestly. "It's very reassuring that you're planning to be careful and smart about this."

I squeezed her hand. "Sure thing, Momma." I yawned unexpectedly.

"You're still tired," she said quickly. "If you fall asleep now, you can squeeze in a short cat nap before you get up for school."

The prospect of more sleep sounded very appealing to me. I scooted back down until I was flat on my back and pulled my quilt closer to me.

Momma tucked the quilt under my chin. "Sleep well, my Nessie," she murmured. She stood and turned for the door.

"Momma?" I called quietly. She faced me again. I hesitated before asking, "Did you and Daddy…do it before you got married?" I stifled a yawn, curious about her answer.

Momma looked startled, but composed herself. "No, we didn't," she answered me honestly. "We cared too much for each other's souls to risk it."

"What does that have to do with your soul?" I mumbled.

Momma laughed quietly. "We don't necessarily know that intercourse before marriage is wrong, but would you risk Jacob's chances of purity if he were killed one day?"

Never, I thought to myself. Momma closed my door and I fell asleep instantly.